it's (really and truly) over

[Waverly]

Could it be he is trying to push you away once and for all by making you so angry that you walk away? To make you the "bad guy" in the end of the relationship to appease his guilt and he can think he's a good person?

 

For example, my xMM said that he would not stop talking to me because I meant so much to him (and still being secret "friends" but not restarting the relationship) -- he is highly conflict avoidant -- so the implied message to me was if I was tired of being jerked around in the world of a push-pull EA relationship, it was up to me to stop talking to him and walk away. In the few preceding days but I did just that, he was mean, biting and was pushing, pushing me away. This was after I saw him in a work situation and it was clear from the look on his face, he still had feelings. He couldn't pull the plug so I think this goal was to push me so hard that I cut it off. In other words, like the guys I dated in HS who were so immature that they got rude so I would break-up with them first.

 

Similarly, my friend is a MW who has an on/off PA with a single OM. She said to me the other night, "I wish he'd stop emailing me with I love you and miss you..." I asked if she responded when he emailed, and she said "yes". Me: "why do you encourage him?" Her: "I want him to break it off, but I'd rather just not hear from him again."

 

So could it be possible that he was trying to make you so angry by saying he'd discussed his divorce but was committing to his marriage, so that you'd say "F-it" and move on but he could still the "good guy" by not actually putting the final nail in the coffin?

 

(Hopefully this makes sense, I'm struggling to find the right words.)

 

It does make sense. And, I don't know. Maybe? He's tried pretty hard since the end of the A to try and push it all away, with decidedly mixed results. It wouldn't be totally crazy to think he was doing that now. That wasn't really the tone of it though. He's better at compartmentalizations than I am. Or at least more determined.

[whichwayisup]

So, not long after posting here this afternoon, I got an email from my xAP. This is the first I've heard from him in a while. He said that the last few days have been rough, and that he and his wife have been talking about getting divorced, but that yesterday they found "common ground" so it's been called off.

 

What the...? First of all, why is he telling me this? What am I supposed to so with this information? I have no idea how to feel right now. He was always SO clear that he wanted to be with his kids 100% of the time. I had no idea things were that bad. But I guess they're not? Also, why does this matter to me at all? I've just been left feeling slightly sick all day after reading this. I wish it didn't still have such an impact on me. It should be totally irrelevant.

 

Any thoughts appreciated.

 

So, he reached out to talk about himself and his wife/marriage, to let you know their progress. Boy, talk about pouring salt in your wounds. Selfish of him to reach out like that, really pointless and all it did was hurt you.

 

NC has to happen now, every bit of contact IS about him. There's no friendship, and if there is, it doesn't help either of you, aka YOU.

 

Now you're thinking about him, what's going on in his life. NC will allow you to totally grieve and let go so you can focus on JUST you, your life and friends, family who are important.

[twosadthings]

You're swinging back and forth between two threads one about your husband and the other about your boyfriend. You said in one you're not still in an emotional affair but by your continued contact you prolong your attachment every time you open or even see one of his emails.

 

The contact you have with your "friend" of ten years can't be very satisfying and in fact is very dangerous to your family so why continue? The only reason I can fathom in maintaining contact is to reassure yourself the feelings and actions you pursued were justified so as to soothe your conscience. What more do you need to understand than what you stated when you started this whole go around...the wrongness of it.

 

Twosadthings

 

P.S. I think that doing something wrong, bad or stupid is not actually the worst thing a person can do. The absolute worst thing to do is to keep doing something wrong, bad or stupid after you've acknowledged it as such.

Edited March 23, 2014 by twosadthings
add a P.S.

[Waverly]

You're swinging back and forth between two threads one about your husband and the other about your boyfriend. You said in one you're not still in an emotional affair but by your continued contact you prolong your attachment every time you open or even see one of his emails.

 

The contact you have with your "friend" of ten years can't be very satisfying and in fact is very dangerous to your family so why continue? The only reason I can fathom in maintaining contact is to reassure yourself the feelings and actions you pursued were justified so as to soothe your conscience. What more do you need to understand than what you stated when you started this whole go around...the wrongness of it.

 

Twosadthings

 

P.S. I think that doing something wrong, bad or stupid is not actually the worst thing a person can do. The absolute worst thing to do is to keep doing something wrong, bad or stupid after you've acknowledged it as such.

 

 

The multiple/concurrent threads was inadvertent.

 

I'm not in an EA with him. But I do care about him. And as f'ed up as the current situation is, and as un-satisfying as our current communication is, I think we both want to hope that it will eventually reach some new kind of equilibrium, and that we'll be able to move past the feelings that led to the affair. I know every BS here will tell me that it has to be 100% NC, that I should just divorce my husband, etc., etc. And maybe you're right. I obviously don't know what I'm doing.

[Fluttershy]

The multiple/concurrent threads was inadvertent.

 

I'm not in an EA with him. But I do care about him. And as f'ed up as the current situation is, and as un-satisfying as our current communication is, I think we both want to hope that it will eventually reach some new kind of equilibrium, and that we'll be able to move past the feelings that led to the affair. I know every BS here will tell me that it has to be 100% NC, that I should just divorce my husband, etc., etc. And maybe you're right. I obviously don't know what I'm doing.

 

100% NC or D. You cannot keep him as a friend and confess. If you decide to keep the A a secret so you can keep him as a friend you aren't only disrespecting your husband even more and his wife, you are keeping a door open and hindering yourself to move on. You cannot keep him as a friend if you divorce and he does not because you will be hurting yourself, him and his wife. There is no growth in that. There is no positive and healthy way to keep him as a friend. That shipped sailed when you crossed the line. Stop living with the hope of a fantasy that it can be as though nothhing happened. I, as a Bs, had to realize that. The thing is, that alone liften a huge weight off me.

[rumbleseat]

Based on what you say in your posts, it doesn't sound like either of you has been that much of a " friend" to o eat other, at least not since the A started.

 

You both put your own needs before the well being of the others which really doesn't fit the definition of friendship. Now that you have both agreed that going your separate ways was the best thing for each other, he still puts his own selfish need to contact you. Whatever his reasons may or may not have been, before your well being.

 

He is showing you his true self, putting it right in front of your face. It's a shame you are still too " in the fog" to see it.

 

If it was any other friend willing to hurt you to get their "fix" , would you tolerate that? If not, why are you willing to tolerate it from him?

Edited March 24, 2014 by rumbleseat

[Waverly]

Based on what you say in your posts, it doesn't sound like either of you has been that much of a " friend" to o eat other, at least not since the A started.

 

You both put your own needs before the well being of the others which really doesn't fit the definition of friendship. Now that you have both agreed that going your separate ways was the best thing for each other, he still puts his own selfish need to contact you. Whatever his reasons may or may not have been, before your well being.

 

He is showing you his true self, putting it right in front of your face. It's a shame you are still too " in the fog" to see it.

 

If it was any other friend willing to hurt you to get their "fix" , would you tolerate that? If not, why are you willing to tolerate it from him?

 

I don't really want to believe it, you know? As obvious as it may be, it really hurts to believe a lot of things about this situation.

[Owl6118]

Waverly, your situation is awful. But it is not complicated. Not at the core.

 

You are clearly an intelligent person with a penchant for analyzing your relationships. But just now, this penchant is not serving you well. In fact, it has become a tool for rationalizing inaction.

 

Your mind is running between your AP and your husband. You feel you are torn between each man's needs and your conflicting desire to do what is best for each. You tell yourself this comes from your feelings for each.

 

Gently, but firmly: in each case, you are allowing, even indulging, your feelings for the other as an excuse from doing the immensely painful but totally necessary things you must do to truly give each a chance to heal. Not to mention yourself.

 

So. Separate the two men. Because the situations are actually separate.

 

Let's think now only about your affair partner.

 

In fact, the situtation you have ended up in is not uncommon. Even if you were not married and never had been married, and infidelity were no part of the picture, the situation with him would be fundamentally the same.

 

Some of us form intense emotional bonds with a person we met early in life. I certainly did with one special person. And that is why your story speaks to me so, so clearly.

 

So you have that special person. You do, I did too. But whatever reason, you are not meant to be with that person. It could be simple brute, uncaring chance, simple accidents of timing--you were separated at the time the bond could have deepend, and the moment passed. It could be that while separated, one or both of you made decisions that closed that road. It could actually be that though you are true friends, and though the infatuation you feel is still there even into you mature adulthood, you are not and never have been compatible with that person in a normal, quotidian long term relationship. You don't know, because you never had to try. The passion never had to face up to daily contact. It never had to deepen or die.

 

But you stayed in touch. Oh yes, me too. I too had that epistolary friendship with that Special One--and I never lived within 200 miles of my special friend at any time in my life. It's all a private world. And so intense.

 

The temptation to go back and try to capture that lost future with that person can be overwhelming. But it is futile. You grew into different lives. You took on commitments that are incompatible with being with that person. Time's arrow flies. Trying to reverse its course requires undoing too much--so much too much--of your real life. It requires undoing your real self, to pursue the cramped and artificial and edited self that exists in the safe walls of the friendship. It does not work.

 

But you have learned this in the hardest way.

 

There is only one road out. Only one road to healing and an authentic life for both of you. This is to cut off all contact.

 

And you know this. Its clear from everything you have written.

 

The only question is when you will find the courage to act, and grow towards health and authentic living life for the two of you. Completely separately. Forever.

 

You will miss him terribly. But truly, time will wear those feelings down. Which is a good thing--because they were meant to be worn down long ago. It was only both of you clinging to them, nurturing them, sacrificing your real relationships with a real future to them, that kept this artificial hothouse flower alive.

 

Let him go. Please. For him. For you.

 

I can't close without adding a very personal appeal. There is a side to this little touched on in your thread that is very meaningful to me. I am a sober alcoholic, in fact this month will mark my 20th year sober. And I am so very happy--sobriety has literally given me my life back. Without it, I would be dead, or as good as dead in my soul. So as a brother alcoholic, his lost sobriety is devastating to my heart. I feel for him so badly. And from the core of my being, I must tell you bluntly, he will not regain his sobriety with you in contact. You are toxic to it. I am sorry. I know that will be immensely painful to you, you do not want to hurt him. But being in contact with him will hurt him, and he will ease his pain with his drug. If you love him, you must let him go. Now. Forever.

 

So, you do this for your friend, for love for him. It is the right thing to do even if you had no husband and he had no wife.

 

And then there is the other side. The other man. The man in your real world of your real adult life. As your entire other thread has shown, no contact with your AP is also the only way--the only way--to restore integrity to your relationship with your husband, too, whatever it may become--whether you stay with him or not, whether he stays with you, or not.

[Waverly]

Waverly, your situation is awful. But it is not complicated. Not at the core.

 

You are clearly an intelligent person with a penchant for analyzing your relationships. But just now, this penchant is not serving you well. In fact, it has become a tool for rationalizing inaction.

 

Your mind is running between your AP and your husband. You feel you are torn between each man's needs and your conflicting desire to do what is best for each. You tell yourself this comes from your feelings for each.

 

Gently, but firmly: in each case, you are allowing, even indulging, your feelings for the other as an excuse from doing the immensely painful but totally necessary things you must do to truly give each a chance to heal. Not to mention yourself.

 

So. Separate the two men. Because the situations are actually separate.

 

Let's think now only about your affair partner.

 

In fact, the situtation you have ended up in is not uncommon. Even if you were not married and never had been married, and infidelity were no part of the picture, the situation with him would be fundamentally the same.

 

Some of us form intense emotional bonds with a person we met early in life. I certainly did with one special person. And that is why your story speaks to me so, so clearly.

 

So you have that special person. You do, I did too. But whatever reason, you are not meant to be with that person. It could be simple brute, uncaring chance, simple accidents of timing--you were separated at the time the bond could have deepend, and the moment passed. It could be that while separated, one or both of you made decisions that closed that road. It could actually be that though you are true friends, and though the infatuation you feel is still there even into you mature adulthood, you are not and never have been compatible with that person in a normal, quotidian long term relationship. You don't know, because you never had to try. The passion never had to face up to daily contact. It never had to deepen or die.

 

But you stayed in touch. Oh yes, me too. I too had that epistolary friendship with that Special One--and I never lived within 200 miles of my special friend at any time in my life. It's all a private world. And so intense.

 

The temptation to go back and try to capture that lost future with that person can be overwhelming. But it is futile. You grew into different lives. You took on commitments that are incompatible with being with that person. Time's arrow flies. Trying to reverse its course requires undoing too much--so much too much--of your real life. It requires undoing your real self, to pursue the cramped and artificial and edited self that exists in the safe walls of the friendship. It does not work.

 

But you have learned this in the hardest way.

 

There is only one road out. Only one road to healing and an authentic life for both of you. This is to cut off all contact.

 

And you know this. Its clear from everything you have written.

 

The only question is when you will find the courage to act, and grow towards health and authentic living life for the two of you. Completely separately. Forever.

 

You will miss him terribly. But truly, time will wear those feelings down. Which is a good thing--because they were meant to be worn down long ago. It was only both of you clinging to them, nurturing them, sacrificing your real relationships with a real future to them, that kept this artificial hothouse flower alive.

 

Let him go. Please. For him. For you.

 

I can't close without adding a very personal appeal. There is a side to this little touched on in your thread that is very meaningful to me. I am a sober alcoholic, in fact this month will mark my 20th year sober. And I am so very happy--sobriety has literally given me my life back. Without it, I would be dead, or as good as dead in my soul. So as a brother alcoholic, his lost sobriety is devastating to my heart. I feel for him so badly. And from the core of my being, I must tell you bluntly, he will not regain his sobriety with you in contact. You are toxic to it. I am sorry. I know that will be immensely painful to you, you do not want to hurt him. But being in contact with him will hurt him, and he will ease his pain with his drug. If you love him, you must let him go. Now. Forever.

 

So, you do this for your friend, for love for him. It is the right thing to do even if you had no husband and he had no wife.

 

And then there is the other side. The other man. The man in your real world of your real adult life. As your entire other thread has shown, no contact with your AP is also the only way--the only way--to restore integrity to your relationship with your husband, too, whatever it may become--whether you stay with him or not, whether he stays with you, or not.

 

I don't know who you are or how you have come to understand this all so clearly. But your words have gotten to me like little else has. I'm sobbing right now. I just don't think I'm strong enough for any of this.

[Owl6118]

I'm someone who knows what it is to carry a torch for a lost love for far too long.

 

Cut him off, honey. You can do it. It is the only way out of the stuck place of pain you are in.

 

And you must find the courage to do it for his sobriety. Without hyperbole or drama--his life depends on it. It is the only remaining gift you can actually give him. Conversely, staying in touch is the greatest harm you can inflict on him.

[Waverly]

I'm someone who knows what it is to carry a torch for a lost love for far too long.

 

Cut him off, honey. You can do it. It is the only way out of the stuck place of pain you are in.

 

And you must find the courage to do it for his sobriety. Without hyperbole or drama--his life depends on it. It is the only remaining gift you can actually give him. Conversely, staying in touch is the greatest harm you can inflict on him.

 

We actually had just that conversation on more than one occasion after he started drinking again. I told him that if my disappearing from his life would help him stop, then I'd do it in a heartbeat. I don't want to hurt him.

 

I wonder a lot if I'll ever get over this. I held onto these feelings for ten years -- through getting married, having kids, everything, they were always there. Obviously I pushed them down for years, but I worry that it's a Pandora's box type of thing. They're out now. I don't know how to make them go away. What if I spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been?

[Owl6118]

We actually had just that conversation on more than one occasion after he started drinking again. I told him that if my disappearing from his life would help him stop, then I'd do it in a heartbeat. I don't want to hurt him.

 

From his place of addiction, he will not be able to answer that question honestly. You need to answer it correctly for him. And do it in that heartbeat.

 

I wonder a lot if I'll ever get over this. I held onto these feelings for ten years -- through getting married, having kids, everything, they were always there. Obviously I pushed them down for years, but I worry that it's a Pandora's box type of thing. They're out now. I don't know how to make them go away. What if I spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been?

 

Yes, you will get over this.

 

Gently, again: you are doing the thinking thing. You need to work on the seeing thing--seeing what is. What really is.

 

You DID try to recapture those feelings. You and he have ALREADY decided not to spend the rest of your life wondering "what could have been." That's not a what if, it's an already happened. You have already tried to make time's arrow fly backwards. And it didn't work in the worst possible way. It led you right straight to this place of pain.

 

Yes, the feelings are out, you opened Pandora's box. Now the feelings continue, because you continue to nurture them. Defend them. Keep a safe walled place for them.

 

In the real world of actual deeds: you nurture them through your continued contact with your past love.

 

You have it backwards, honey. You don't whittle down the feelings until they are small enough to let go the contact. You let go by acting. You cut it off. And from that moment forward, time will go to work healing the feelings.

 

I won't badger you any more. I really don't have anything more I can say that I think would be of any help.

 

But I will leave you again with the one thought: out of love, you must do what is right for him to have a chance to become sober. And that means cut him off. Because as someone who lived in the bottle and lived carrying a torch, I know in the core of my soul--he will not get over you and will use alcohol to numb the pain instead of coping and instead of beginning to live again.

 

All my best wishes go with you.

[Waverly]

You're not badgering me. Without exaggeration, your responses are speaking to me in a way that little else has. Thank you. I have a feeling I'll be re-reading your replies a lot.

 

If you ever want to share your story, I'd love to hear it...

[Owl6118]

If you ever want to share your story, I'd love to hear it...

 

Thanks. I am married, but extramarital relationships are not part of my story, so it would not fit here. It was other life experiences, from before my marriage, that made your situation speak to me.

[Waverly]

Thanks. I am married, but extramarital relationships are not part of my story, so it would not fit here. It was other life experiences, from before my marriage, that made your situation speak to me.

 

Then even more reason for me to say thanks. I know infidelity touches a lot of nerves; I appreciate your empathetic response all the more knowing that it isn't something you've been through yourself.

 

I should add that I came here this morning about to post how I was struggling today. I was this close to emailing him. I don't even know what I wanted to say -- I guess ask why he sent me that email the other day, and to let him know how I've been spinning ever since. I think, on some level, I'm upset with him for moving on (even though clearly he's a mess). Finding your message here has given me reason to stop myself.

Edited March 25, 2014 by Waverly

[Dog Woman]

So, not long after posting here this afternoon, I got an email from my xAP. This is the first I've heard from him in a while. He said that the last few days have been rough, and that he and his wife have been talking about getting divorced, but that yesterday they found "common ground" so it's been called off.

 

What the...? First of all, why is he telling me this? What am I supposed to so with this information? I have no idea how to feel right now. He was always SO clear that he wanted to be with his kids 100% of the time. I had no idea things were that bad. But I guess they're not? Also, why does this matter to me at all? I've just been left feeling slightly sick all day after reading this. I wish it didn't still have such an impact on me. It should be totally irrelevant.

 

Any thoughts appreciated.

 

I have just caught up on your thread again. Sounds like he is contacting you to see if you are still interested and how you are going to react. As hard as it may seem, for your emotional wellbeing, you need to go completely NC. He will get fed up of contacting you if you DON'T respond to him. It is easier said than done, but you have to think of yourself, it is imperative that you do. All the best.

[Waverly]

I have just caught up on your thread again. Sounds like he is contacting you to see if you are still interested and how you are going to react. As hard as it may seem, for your emotional wellbeing, you need to go completely NC. He will get fed up of contacting you if you DON'T respond to him. It is easier said than done, but you have to think of yourself, it is imperative that you do. All the best.

 

You're right, of course. The most embarrassing part is that I actually did reply, and now he hasn't. So I'm left here feeling foolish for being the one who reached out last. I really dislike games like that, but I can't shake that feeling right now. He emailed just to tell me that and then disappear. I just don't get it.

[Mickey1982]

Oh Waverly....hang in there, my friend. I KNOW how hard NC is. I have to sit on my hands sometimes to stop myself. Sometimes I break down into tears because it is so hard. But, I need him to reach out for me--in my mind, he walked away so he has to walk back. I am at 8 weeks now and as much as it is killing me to not know how he is doing, does he think of me, what is going on in his life (we talked 3-4 times a day), etc etc etc, I will NOT contact him. My main reason and only reason for being able to be so strong is that I want him also to wonder... how is she???? Does she think of me? What has she been doing? And, that, Waverly, is the only peace I have managed to get from this whole nightmare thus far. And, it keeps him from breaking me any further than I already am. Get tough with NC!!!!!! If I can, so can you!

[jellybean89]

You have been given so much great advice.

 

I just wanted to add, you started this thread on Feb. 11 - and it is now March 25 and from where I sit, you are really still standing in the same place spinning circles. Your thread is titled "Its really (and truly) over" yet your post doesn't resemble that statement.

 

It is not really and truly over because you won't let it be. You are allowing yourself to 'stew' in all this - day after day. You are still in contact with him, you are still trying to figure out how to keep him in your life, you are still avoiding telling your spouse, you are not recovering your marriage and really nothing has changed with regards to your feelings for him; if anything, there is even more 'drama' associated with the MM.

 

I mean all of this in the best possible way - just from an outsider's point of view.

 

People come and go in our lives ... just because we loved someone 5, 10, 15, 20+ years ago doesn't mean they should or deserve our time and heart.

 

As Owl says, what are YOU doing to change the situation? Why isn't it really and truly over? Why are you clinging to it? Why won't you let it go?

[Waverly]

Oh Waverly....hang in there, my friend. I KNOW how hard NC is. I have to sit on my hands sometimes to stop myself. Sometimes I break down into tears because it is so hard. But, I need him to reach out for me--in my mind, he walked away so he has to walk back. I am at 8 weeks now and as much as it is killing me to not know how he is doing, does he think of me, what is going on in his life (we talked 3-4 times a day), etc etc etc, I will NOT contact him. My main reason and only reason for being able to be so strong is that I want him also to wonder... how is she???? Does she think of me? What has she been doing? And, that, Waverly, is the only peace I have managed to get from this whole nightmare thus far. And, it keeps him from breaking me any further than I already am. Get tough with NC!!!!!! If I can, so can you!

 

Thanks, Mickey. That's exactly the pep talk I needed!

[Waverly]

You have been given so much great advice.

 

I just wanted to add, you started this thread on Feb. 11 - and it is now March 25 and from where I sit, you are really still standing in the same place spinning circles. Your thread is titled "Its really (and truly) over" yet your post doesn't resemble that statement.

 

It is not really and truly over because you won't let it be. You are allowing yourself to 'stew' in all this - day after day. You are still in contact with him, you are still trying to figure out how to keep him in your life, you are still avoiding telling your spouse, you are not recovering your marriage and really nothing has changed with regards to your feelings for him; if anything, there is even more 'drama' associated with the MM.

 

I mean all of this in the best possible way - just from an outsider's point of view.

 

People come and go in our lives ... just because we loved someone 5, 10, 15, 20+ years ago doesn't mean they should or deserve our time and heart.

 

As Owl says, what are YOU doing to change the situation? Why isn't it really and truly over? Why are you clinging to it? Why won't you let it go?

 

Jellybean, this was a splash of cold water on my face, but I probably needed it.

 

I agree that I'm spinning in circles. That's been a big part of our problem all along. The affair ended months ago, but it's obviously been dragging out. It's been mainly me, partially him, and just a huge mess all around. At various points and in various states of minds I could chalk it up to love, addiction, friendship, a "fog", whatever, but we found ourselves at the brink of walking completely away SO many times and one or both of us never quite let it happen. Me, because I didn't want to, him because even though he was more logical about it, he didn't really want it either and so never really followed through.

 

Believe it or not, I'm doing better than I was when I first posted here last month. The progress may not be fast or even very evident to an outsider, but it's there. Give me time...I'll get there.

[jellybean89]

. Give me time...I'll get there.

 

Deal!!!!!!!

[sunburned]

Jellybean, this was a splash of cold water on my face, but I probably needed it.

 

I agree that I'm spinning in circles. That's been a big part of our problem all along. The affair ended months ago, but it's obviously been dragging out. It's been mainly me, partially him, and just a huge mess all around. At various points and in various states of minds I could chalk it up to love,

Believe it or not, I'm doing better than I was when I first posted here last month. The progress may not be fast or even very evident to an outsider, but it's there. Give me time...I'll get there.

 

 

 

Waverly, I relate to your story b/c I was also a MW in an A with a MM. It was someone I'd been friends with for almost 10 years. The end came rather quickly (no Dday though) and I had to soldier on with my H and kids, resume my daily life without the extramarital thrill. I was a wreck for a week or two (maybe a month or two : )

 

 

I just want to make the observation that so many of recent LS postings (yours, Layla, cocochai and many more) involve problems that have stemmed from breaking NC. I found LS many months ago, desperately looking for evidence I could end an A and still be friends with my MM. I was sure my sitch was different b/c of the friendship we had before the A and I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. Wrong.

 

 

LC doesn't work. You and so many of these other posters have tried it "your way," as did I. It is futile. Going NC was one of the most difficult things I have done because I did it all alone. But when I read these stories about As like yours dying an excruciating death due to LC, I feel so much better. I will admit there are times I wish he would reach out, but then I read here what happens when THAT happens and I am grateful.

 

 

jellybean is so right when she says stop spinning your wheels. To err is human, to persist in one's errors is diabolical (Georges Canquilhem).

[Waverly]

Sunburned, thanks for replying. The more I hear from people who have been through the same thing, the more I am being forced to admit that I'm just hurting myself by hanging onto this. It hurts to let it go too, unbelievably so, but I'm trying to hold onto the hope that there's a light at the end of this dark dark tunnel.

[Mickey1982]

Waverly---share that light at the end of the tunnel when you find it----I'm looking for it too! Hang in there---it's a rough ride, but I hold onto the HOPE that others before us have found it...