Author Waverly Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 Thanks for the replies. I think, if I'm being totally honest, a big part of my problem is that I don't really want to move on. I know a relationship with my xAP is impossible - it's literally impossible, short of one of us abandoning our children - but I can't shake this desire to hold onto it, and to hold onto him. It's been so destructive to me, to him, and potentially to our marriages and families, but I'm still holding onto it. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just react like a normal person and accept that this is never going to happen? I contort it in every which direction, hoping I'll find some magic angle where we can hold onto something, where we can suddenly be good friends with no mixed up feelings in between, where suddenly everything that happened is ok and nobody is hurt. It's impossible, and I hate that I can't accept that. 1
Author Waverly Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 I agree with the others, even if it's the tiniest thing, do it. We will cheer you on. Even if it's I got out of my pjs before noon, even if it's I thought about thinking about making a list of goals, even if it's I forced myself to smile when I wanted to cry. I signed up for yoga at my local rec center rather than a yoga studio because I was too scared to be with all the people that knew what they were doing. My self esteem was awful, depression high. I mean how much lower can you be than finding out the man you've been married to for 22 years cheated on you, ugh! We are rooting for you and looking forward to sharing even the smallest victory with you. Cheers to you! And now I'm crying because you guys are being so supportive and sweet to me, and I don't deserve it.
gettingstronger Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I understand, but remember, our society is built on redemption. It's built into our laws and our religious practices. I had to remember that as I learned to accept what my husband had done and you will need to do the same. You need to believe you are worthy of being redeemed and I am not speaking in a religious sense. Heck, as a society were rehabilitate and redeem criminals and such, why not you? 1
Author Waverly Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 I think I need help to pull myself out of this. I can't sleep, I cry all the time, I'm distracted at work, I've lost too much weight. I'm just a mess. I just made an appointment with my doctor for this afternoon, and am hoping I can get a prescription for something. I know the burden will still be on me to work through this and everything that goes along with that, but I'm hoping this will help get me to a place where I can at least start to do that. In other news, xAP and I emailed yesterday. In my head, I need to hold onto some of this in order to, I don't know, validate it or something. And on the one hand, he's telling me that it's just the impossibility of the situation for why it ended. But then he also throws in that he is fully intending to 100% move on, and I just lose it, for some reason. It's like, if he can see himself 100% moving on, if that's a real conceivable outcome for him, then I feel like I was kidding myself about what it all meant in the first place. Does that make any sense?
BetrayedH Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 ...then I feel like I was kidding myself about what it all meant in the first place. Does that make any sense? It's a distinct possibility. It's extraordinarily common for one person to be more emotionally invested than the other. It wouldn't surprise me that it's the woman in this case. I would bet that he cares and is trying to let you down easily but is ready to put his efforts back into his marriage as soon as you can let go. Regardless, NC is the obvious answer. And then you redirect the energy you put into your affair back into your marriage. You've got some serious work ahead of you on that front. 1
Author Waverly Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 It's a distinct possibility. It's extraordinarily common for one person to be more emotionally invested than the other. It wouldn't surprise me that it's the woman in this case. I would bet that he cares and is trying to let you down easily but is ready to put his efforts back into his marriage as soon as you can let go. Regardless, NC is the obvious answer. And then you redirect the energy you put into your affair back into your marriage. You've got some serious work ahead of you on that front. The ironic part is that we both always thought it was him who was more emotionally invested. To this day, he's always said that he thought it would be me who would walk away first. I did too, to be honest. But here we are.
BetrayedH Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 The ironic part is that we both always thought it was him who was more emotionally invested. To this day, he's always said that he thought it would be me who would walk away first. I did too, to be honest. But here we are. Romanticizing this situation is not going to help you to make the decisions that need to be made. He may just simply be ahead of you with that realization. 1
BetrayedH Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 The ironic part is that we both always thought it was him who was more emotionally invested. To this day, he's always said that he thought it would be me who would walk away first. I did too, to be honest. But here we are. I should also say that we men are also taught from birth how to say what a woman most wants to hear.
Author Waverly Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 Romanticizing this situation is not going to help you to make the decisions that need to be made. He may just simply be ahead of you with that realization. Yeah, you're right. Trust me, I wish I weren't hung up on this still. There was a situation this fall that brought everything to a head -- basically, he interviewed for a job at my company, but it would have involved moving his wife and kids to a different state, just with the goal of divorcing his wife and essentially trapping her and the kids in a state where I am. We both realized that there was just no way to be totally sociopathic about it like that. Because it would have been him moving though, I think it shook him up a bit more though towards deciding this was a dead end. It's taken me a lot longer to accept that. That's all water under the bridge at this point though, really. I need to move on. 1
gettingstronger Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Yes, you do need to move on-why do you have the energy to invest in him but not yourself-you say you are depressed yet you are stilling willing to take on his issues when you have so many of your own to deal with- get selfish and take care of you first-he is a big boy, he will figure it out-
Author Waverly Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 Yes, you do need to move on-why do you have the energy to invest in him but not yourself-you say you are depressed yet you are stilling willing to take on his issues when you have so many of your own to deal with- get selfish and take care of you first-he is a big boy, he will figure it out- I don't know why. Keep reminding me of that, ok? I need a serious kick in the butt right now. (General disclaimer: I realize telling my husband would be that kick. I'm not there yet.) 1
Author Waverly Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 Yes, you do need to move on-why do you have the energy to invest in him but not yourself-you say you are depressed yet you are stilling willing to take on his issues when you have so many of your own to deal with- get selfish and take care of you first-he is a big boy, he will figure it out- If I'm being honest, it's the whole letting go process, in general, that isn't going well. I'm not trying to use this an excuse, but I do know that I struggle to let things and relationships go. This was an important one for ten years, and, even though we've totally messed it up, it's still hard to walk away from it entirely. 1
gettingstronger Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I totally get it- I too have an addictive type of personality and have a hard time changing/letting go-BUT-you gave me permission to kick you in the butt so here goes- you HAVE to stop making excuses-you have to stop being co- dependent and being a crutch-you have to stop taking the easier way out and being selfish-you have to understand the course you are on is destructive and you will end up so much worse than you are now- do something, anything to make your situation better and do it now- you have people rooting for you-do it- Cheers! 1
Author Waverly Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 I totally get it- I too have an addictive type of personality and have a hard time changing/letting go-BUT-you gave me permission to kick you in the butt so here goes- you HAVE to stop making excuses-you have to stop being co- dependent and being a crutch-you have to stop taking the easier way out and being selfish-you have to understand the course you are on is destructive and you will end up so much worse than you are now- do something, anything to make your situation better and do it now- you have people rooting for you-do it- Cheers! Right now, my focus is on the next five days. I have an extended work trip to "our" town (where we met, became friends, met up during the affair, planned to move to, etc., etc.), and am going to be spending my weekend leading a meeting of all of our staff. (This is not my strong suit; my stomach hurts just thinking about it.) This may sound stupid, but my goal for the next few days is to get through it without having to excuse myself to go cry in the bathroom. Alone in my hotel room at night is a different story, but I want to be strong enough to make it through the days. Once I'm back next week, I want to take a deep breath and start to tackle all of this. Wish me luck... 2
herself Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I understand where you are and the crushing weight of letting go and the memories you will see this week on your trip. We are so similiar & also my xap was a friend for 13 yrs so the length of time is so much longer & it can be surreal to feel the regret of having to lose that long of a bond. Just move on they say? Hmph. Its a real hard thing so I am so happy your in therapy, and hopefully you get a massage or something special for you this week and you celebrate with a nice dinner or a glass of wine, that you get through each day. We all heal & recover differently so just keep moving girl! 2
blue963 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 10 years is a long time and you cant let that go int he blink of an eye. Be gentle and kind to yourself...you will get there. 2
Author Waverly Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 I understand where you are and the crushing weight of letting go and the memories you will see this week on your trip. We are so similiar & also my xap was a friend for 13 yrs so the length of time is so much longer & it can be surreal to feel the regret of having to lose that long of a bond. Just move on they say? Hmph. Its a real hard thing so I am so happy your in therapy, and hopefully you get a massage or something special for you this week and you celebrate with a nice dinner or a glass of wine, that you get through each day. We all heal & recover differently so just keep moving girl! Thanks. Our situations do sound really similar. How are you doing? I know you posted a while ago about hoping to stay friends. Do you still talk to your xAP? It's so hard, isn't it? So unbelievably hard. All I want to do is reach out and not lose that friendship. I know I need to give it time, that we'll never get there on the path we're on now. But it's just so painful right now, especially when there were so many years of history there.
Author Waverly Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 10 years is a long time and you cant let that go int he blink of an eye. Be gentle and kind to yourself...you will get there. Thanks... I'm really struggling with this trip. The extra twist of the knife is that he's moving into a new house this weekend with his family. It's a fresh start for him, while I'm still going to be in our place... alone. I just want to be strong enough to put this behind me.
Author Waverly Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 I hate to be quite this pathetic, but any chance I could get a pep talk? We talked at the beginning of the week, and then he sent me a weird apology message, and then we were supposed to talk again, and didn't, and it got to me. So last night we had this pretty awful little email exchange, ending with my sending an embarrassing wine-fueled indignant reply. Needless to say, he hasn't written back. It was done anyway, but I'm mortified that it's ending - really ending - like this. I'm also trying to hold it together at this meeting, but the memories of him are everywhere in this town -- even in my office (he interviewed here for a job.) I can't avoid picturing him everywhere and it's driving me insane. I feel like such an idiot for all of this.
clairbear Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Just wanted to say that I am sorry u are hurting right now, there is no feeling quite like it :-( sending you big hugs, please be gentle with yourself x 1
beach Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Background: I had a brief affair with a friend. It's long over, but we stayed in intermittent contact. Last week, we finally decided it was better for both of us to go NC. He broke it, and it's messing me up. More background: He is an alcoholic who had been sober for the last five years. In the aftermath of all of this, he started drinking again. He emailed me the other night with some inane message and then mentioned that he was drunk. In the last two days, he's had it out with his wife (there was no D-day), showed up drunk to work, his parents had to help him sober up and get rid of everything, and now he's going to AA today. I.... don't know what to do with any of this. He's not asking me for help, he's not trying to restart the A. He's just telling me, as a friend. And so now I'm sitting here worrying about him, and it's bringing back all these feelings that I've been trying really hard to work through and move past. I'm not even sure that I have a specific question. I know I should go back to NC, but I also feel this need to know that he's going to be ok. Wow - what a bummer that he started drinking again, created a ton more crap to clean up for himself and then dumps all his crappy behavior onto you. What to do? NOTHING It is for HIM to do. Don't participate in the crap he creates.
herself Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Thanks. Our situations do sound really similar. How are you doing? I know you posted a while ago about hoping to stay friends. Do you still talk to your xAP? It's so hard, isn't it? So unbelievably hard. All I want to do is reach out and not lose that friendship. I know I need to give it time, that we'll never get there on the path we're on now. But it's just so painful right now, especially when there were so many years of history there. Hey Waverly, I hope you made it through your trip without too much heartache. Yes, where we are similar is the length of the friendship. It seems alot od the A's on the board average 1-2 years with little or no friendship first. Not trivializing the length or pain, just saying in our case we are grieving many more years & also grieving the loss of the previous true platonic friendship AND the end of the romance. We have been in VERY low contact. He has been warm & friendly when we speak. Its odd & he said perhaps in the future we could have a deeper discussion but not in immediate future (his exact words) which i find to be annoying & selfish since his breaking up was so abrupt & with little explanation or regard for its impact on me, it would be nice to wrap up the past a littlebetter & move forward easier. He sseems happy to have some contact but I'm sure if i brought up deeper he would avoid & run. Part of me is still VERY hurt & signifies I may not be ready for friendship but him becominga stranger & gone for life is more hurtful so i will sslowly work on my own answers. I don't know how these guys do it, seemingly so in love one minute and the next it is back to business & no emotional attachment or love to speak of. Its real hurtful. One Mm on here said he meant none of what he said. I read that & thought WHAT? !?!
Author Waverly Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 Hey Waverly, I hope you made it through your trip without too much heartache. Yes, where we are similar is the length of the friendship. It seems alot od the A's on the board average 1-2 years with little or no friendship first. Not trivializing the length or pain, just saying in our case we are grieving many more years & also grieving the loss of the previous true platonic friendship AND the end of the romance. We have been in VERY low contact. He has been warm & friendly when we speak. Its odd & he said perhaps in the future we could have a deeper discussion but not in immediate future (his exact words) which i find to be annoying & selfish since his breaking up was so abrupt & with little explanation or regard for its impact on me, it would be nice to wrap up the past a littlebetter & move forward easier. He sseems happy to have some contact but I'm sure if i brought up deeper he would avoid & run. Part of me is still VERY hurt & signifies I may not be ready for friendship but him becominga stranger & gone for life is more hurtful so i will sslowly work on my own answers. I don't know how these guys do it, seemingly so in love one minute and the next it is back to business & no emotional attachment or love to speak of. Its real hurtful. One Mm on here said he meant none of what he said. I read that & thought WHAT? !?! Thanks for the note. I'm still here for at least another day. Luckily, I've been busy with meetings up until now, so I haven't had a lot of time to really think about all of it. I have a few hours free now though, and I'm trying really hard to stop myself from driving over to our "spot". It sounds so silly now. But it's just this spot on campus near here where we would always study together, and it's where we sat for hours and talked when we met during the affair. It's where we planned to get married one day. Going there without him is pure self-torture, so I'm trying to stop myself. I was definitely not ready for a friendship, but I also really really wanted to believe that we could still have that. We tried to keep it light and friendly, but it always deteriorated. I don't know how they do it either. When I asked my xMM about it, he would tell me that he's just resolved that it's impossible, so he's determined to get over it. I have no idea how that works that easily.
herself Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Thanks for the note. I'm still here for at least another day. Luckily, I've been busy with meetings up until now, so I haven't had a lot of time to really think about all of it. I have a few hours free now though, and I'm trying really hard to stop myself from driving over to our "spot". It sounds so silly now. But it's just this spot on campus near here where we would always study together, and it's where we sat for hours and talked when we met during the affair. It's where we planned to get married one day. Going there without him is pure self-torture, so I'm trying to stop myself. I was definitely not ready for a friendship, but I also really really wanted to believe that we could still have that. We tried to keep it light and friendly, but it always deteriorated. I don't know how they do it either. When I asked my xMM about it, he would tell me that he's just resolved that it's impossible, so he's determined to get over it. I have no idea how that works that easily. I can tell you. My friend used to meet me at my work for coffee sometimes and we would go sit in a lounge and talk. I haven't been able to go into that coffee shop or that lounge for months. Once i was having a good week & went & sat where we sat and I thought it was to find peace & strength in moving forward but it only brought up old memories & raw pain. For u if you do, maybe write a goodbye letter there as a ceremonial type closure & either burn or tear it up there. But overall I say the trip kept u busy & occupied so maybe avoid it & it will start to become less "your" place & rather just a place as your emotions seem to be doing fairly okay unless I am reading you wrong. I don'tthink i am ready for ffriendship either. No initiating on my part at all. 1
gettingstronger Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Sorry I was not there for you this weekend- we have a ski house we go to every weekend and I try to stay away from LS there- So- in case you still need a pep talk here goes- Sounds like you are kind of wallowing in this which is not good for you- look at yourself and who you really are- you are someone that has risen far enough in your field that you are chosen to go to a conference, you have things going on professionally and people admire who you are-you have a knowledge and skill set valued by others-concentrate on that for a bit and remember-you are so much more than someone broken by a dead end relationship- surround yourself with people and activities that multiply not subtract from your life-get out of the "victim" rut and move forward bit by bit-whatever memories you are holding on to are not as rosy as you are making them out to be, they are a part of what eats you alive so see them for that- Be good to you and take care- 1
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