My girlfriend told me we need to take a break for her personal issues.

[reelingin]

So I had been dating my girlfriend for about nine months.

She has personal issues, with drinking.

There were many occasions when she would get super drunk and pass out.

She explained she was trying to escape from whatever pain was in her mind.

Anyways, the last time it happened, she decided to go to treatment. Before she left, she told me we needed to take a break and she wanted me to see other people in the mean time. I assumed this was time she needed for herself to work out her issues while in treatment. I agreed, not because I wanted to, but because she felt so bad about what she had done, I thought that's what she wanted to hear. To be honest I truly had thoughts of moving on and that she wasn't worth my time. However, she is a really great person and those thoughts of love for her came back. The whole time she was in treatment she texted me and we talked about how we miss each other. She would ask if I hooked up over the weekend, and I would always say no. I joked with her too about if she had any crushes over in treatment, she said that was creepy. So that went on for 6 weeks, she told me I might not be able to handle the new and improved her, and that all i experienced was the crappy version.

Cut to 6 weeks later, I was so excited to see her, all healthy and what not. She spend the weekend and it was just awesome, we slept together several times, yadayada, but it was more than that, I was just so excited to have her back in my life.

 

Then I came home from work, she was drinking again. I didn't understand why, then she told me she slept with someone while she was in treatment, I think she felt bad about what she did and turned to drinking to tune it out and work up the courage to tell me the truth. My world just crashed completely. My first concern was her health, but I never thought she would have slept with someone too.

So now I'm heartbroken, I got angry at her, and am still trying to forgive her. She doesn't feel she cheated, and I guess I'm not sure she did either, since we were taking time apart, and she extended the notion that I would see other people before she left. But we constantly communicated and I told her I wasn't seeing other people or hooking up. And she should have told me she slept with someone before we had sex again, especially if she didn't think it was wrong. Now she says she needs time and doesn't want any relationship at the moment and we should reevaluate 'us' in a couple months.

 

Now's she's saying she thought I was doing the same thing and there was nothing wrong with what she did. Essentially, I had feelings for her and thought it would be worth waiting and she hooked up almost right away. I feel mistreated because it was her choice to drink and go to treatment and her choice to have us take time apart and her choice to sleep with someone else. I guess what hurts is she put me through alot with her personal struggles and gave me the choice to walk, but I didn't, and I still feel immense love for her. Obviously, this feeling wasn't reciprocated to the same degree. Of course, I assumed that wasn't even a possibility, for her to do that while at treatment. I thought I was assuring her that I wasn't looking other women during the time apart. Alot of people I talk to say she's not worth it, which makes alot of sense, but I still feel love. Stupid, stupid love.

I've forgiven her for whatever happened, maybe just a communication break down, and I still love her as a person in my life, but I'm not sure if we should date again, just still processing everything.

 

What does anyone think about all of this?

[Philosoraptor]

I think that if she wouldn't have wanted to sleep around while apart she wouldn't have taken time apart. There was no reason you couldn't have a completely monogamous relationship while she was getting treatment.

 

No one says "Go sleep with other people while we're apart" unless they have already decided they would do the same before they made that suggestion.

 

So you're with someone who wanted to sleep with someone else and hopped right to drinking immediately after taking 6 weeks to try and get clean? Ask yourself if this is the life you want.

[Keenly]

Anytime some one wants to take a break, to temporarily dissolve the exclusivity of a relationship, the ONLY reason is because they want to sleep with some one else.

[ThorntonMelon]

I think that for reasons maybe related to her maturity or her metal state or simply her character, she has no capacity to love you or treat you or recognize your love for her in a healthy way.

 

I think one of the things that is hard in these situations is we want to see a right and a wrong - I'd forget that.

 

If your brother or best friend told you this story - you'd tell them to tell her to take a hike, right? At least get her head on straight...Because her crazy is going to make you crazy.

 

Tell her you respect her decision not to have a relationship and that you wish her well in her recovery. Then grieve it, deal with your emotions of the loss, and come out of it on the other side stronger.

[Elias33]

Walk away from this man, you will thank yourself for it.

 

If there are two things bad for a relationship it is breaks, and sleeping with other people. No matter how much sugar one uses to coat all of this. It is also convenient for her to blame it on her alcohol misuse. But in reality she is misusing you.

 

Prepare yourself for a world of hurt, if you want to go through with this relationship. Either way, you may as well be hurt one more time, by walking away, that is after all, much shorter-lived. Good luck to you.

[jphcbpa]

I would suggest going to Alanon and getting some perspective.

 

This woman needs to work on herself. You cannot fix her.

[Chi townD]

I agree, you need to walk away from this. I mean, she went through 6 weeks of treatment and threw it away 3-4 days after her release? Plus, she slept with someone while in treatment? I guess that's the only thing she took away from her time there.

 

Dude, she's got way too much baggage. Did she even bother to tell you about this other guy BEFORE you spent the entire weekend sleeping with her? And did you use protection?

 

Some hardcore alcoholics have been known to dabble in drugs as well. And at these treatment facilities, they lump drug users and alcoholics together because their treatment plans are very similar to each other. This guy that she was with MIGHT be a drug user. And I can assure you that they didn't let him or her out of treatment to go run down to the corner 7/11 to buy a pack of condoms. She just put your health at risk.

 

Go to your doctor and get checked out. Get a clean bill of health and move on.

[reelingin]

I honestly thought she felt like such a piece of garbage right before going to treatment that she wanted me to see other people if that's what I wanted, she says she just wants me to be happy, she didn't feel adequate in herself to deliver that. It might not be a healthy rationale on my part, but I never thought she would have slept with someone while there. And now after we got together when she got back, she says she can't be in any relationship right now, for awhile. When I asked her why she did it, at first she said she didn't know, then she said she was enjoying herself and assumed I was doing the same. Not what I wanted to hear. Yeah, the more I think about it, this thing doesn't have much legs left to stand on. I just gotta get all of this crud out of my chest and head and meet some girls that aren't such a mess.

 

She said they used protection, I want to believe that. But yeah, I got to get checked.

[Lokie]

She drinks because she is an alcoholic. Period. She didn't drink to hurt you. It is very common for people to secretly hook up during treatment. (I think it's a no-no in most treatment centers.) Think about it. Your solution to everything (alcohol or drugs) has been removed. You still have feelings but no solution yet. Oh wait. There's flirting, intrigue and sex to distract me. In AA, it is suggested one stays out of relationships for the first year of sobriety, because they so obviously distract us from the work we need to, but sometimes don't want to, do.

 

If you really love her, give her a year clean to get her sh*t together. She will have more to offer you at that point.

 

L.

[reelingin]

I do still love her as a person, and I want her to be healthy and happy. I think she truly doesn't want me to wait for her out of guilt. I think I can be there for her as friend, while moving on with my dating life. Could there be a chance of us working again, maybe, but I do think neither of us should consider it a possibility of something to hang on to, too much baggage distorting mental clarity.

[pteromom]

Her sleeping with someone else isn't even as big of a deal breaker as her going right back to drinking after 6 weeks in an intensive program. Obviously, she has big issues and isn't ready to be in a relationship.

 

I would just step away. If she works on herself and ends up being healthy and single at the same time you are single, maybe it would be worth another shot.

 

But not now. She's not capable of what you want from her.

[reelingin]

I think part of why she went back to drinking is because she felt bad about what she did there. She didn't have the courage to tell me what happened until she was drunk. So like alot of things she didn't want to face she turned to alcohol to escape the pain. But the night before when she was about to fall asleep she asked me if I ever had something to tell someone but didn't know how, then she fell asleep. I think it was weighing on her heart. She's been sober since it happened about a month ago.

[ThatMan]

What do you think about possibly attending an alanon meeting?

[reelingin]

What is that?

 

Is that a meeting for me or both of us?

[ThatMan]

Al-Anon is a support group. Anyone who cares about someone with a drinking issue are welcomed. There's usually a lot of spouse who are in a similar position, family members, and maybe close friends. Think of it as an AA meeting for those of us who are trying to figure out how to navigate these situations.

[Chi townD]

I do still love her as a person, and I want her to be healthy and happy. I think she truly doesn't want me to wait for her out of guilt. I think I can be there for her as friend, while moving on with my dating life. Could there be a chance of us working again, maybe, but I do think neither of us should consider it a possibility of something to hang on to, too much baggage distorting mental clarity.

 

 

Nope! You can't be a friend to her while she's trying to sort her sh*t out. If you see her and she discovers that you've been dating and moving on. If she hears you have a new girlfriend might be the trigger she needs to go back to the bottle. She is in a fragile state right now and the cravings and urges are way too strong and her brain is looking for ANY excuse to hit the bottle.

[tusharsolanki]

Nope! You can't be a friend to her while she's trying to sort her sh*t out. If you see her and she discovers that you've been dating and moving on. If she hears you have a new girlfriend might be the trigger she needs to go back to the bottle. She is in a fragile state right now and the cravings and urges are way too strong and her brain is looking for ANY excuse to hit the bottle.

 

sorry to hear about this mate. I would listen to chi townD if i were you. He has got some great advice right there. Has helped me out of some rough spots too.

 

You gotta move on. But being a friend with her might actually prove to be bad for her. might just make her grab the next bottle. you dont want it on your conscience.

[Lokie]

Al-Anon is a support group. Anyone who cares about someone with a drinking issue are welcomed. There's usually a lot of spouse who are in a similar position, family members, and maybe close friends. Think of it as an AA meeting for those of us who are trying to figure out how to navigate these situations.

 

ThatMan is dead on. Google Alanon Family Services and check for a nearby meeting. At the very least, check out the pamphlets and books. Most pamphlets are free.

 

Alcoholism is called a family disease. It affects everyone who loves the alcoholic.

 

Best,

L.