Author irisrose Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 All of your responses- thank you. From the tough love to the not so tough love. What keeps me 'hooked' isn't the sex. It's everything that goes with it- the holidays, the kisses on the forehead when he's feeling happy, snuggling on the sofa- the fun. That's what keeps me there and keeps me going back. And you're all right, he may know it deep down - maybe. But you're also all correct- it's my choice to stay or move forward. Thank you for understanding. And also for the tough love too.
Author irisrose Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 I think the fact he's my ex is what makes is so hard. It would be different (maybe) had we not shared a serious relationship before.
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 All of your responses- thank you. From the tough love to the not so tough love. What keeps me 'hooked' isn't the sex. It's everything that goes with it- the holidays, the kisses on the forehead when he's feeling happy, snuggling on the sofa- the fun. That's what keeps me there and keeps me going back. And you're all right, he may know it deep down - maybe. But you're also all correct- it's my choice to stay or move forward. Thank you for understanding. And also for the tough love too. Oh, those kisses on the forehead. Aren't they ever so eloquent. I also admire the kisses on the top of my hand. Those conniving charmers. For me, it's the sex, the holidays, those kisses, snuggling and the company. Perhaps that he is familiar too. I know every inch of him, every wink, every smile, every mood... I completely empathize with you because I've been in the same predicament for 3 years. It's draining and does an abundance of harm to my self esteem.
Author irisrose Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 You mean you haven't finished with him yet? Oh, those kisses on the forehead. Aren't they ever so eloquent. I also admire the kisses on the top of my hand. Those conniving charmers. For me, it's the sex, the holidays, those kisses, snuggling and the company. Perhaps that he is familiar too. I know every inch of him, every wink, every smile, every mood... I completely empathize with you because I've been in the same predicament for 3 years. It's draining and does an abundance of harm to my self esteem.
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 You mean you haven't finished with him yet? Nope, I haven't.
salparadise Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 (edited) You are codependent and he has an avoidant personality, runs when things get serious, but comes back when he misses you. The two personalities together is what has developed this toxic relationship. I think you're likely onto it here, but I think it's more likely that she is avoidant/codependent, and he's narcissistic. Telling her he's going to spend time with the other ex is narc behavior. Having two ex's who are dependent and willing to give him everything for crumbs supports his grandiose false-self, allowing him to think of himself as superior. He knows how much it hurts her when he talks about the other ex and he takes pleasure from inflicting that pain. He controls her, and not in small ways, but her whole life. It supports his need to feel powerful, unique, superior. So I'd venture to say he's a narc with sadistic/antisocial traits. OP, I think you're going to need preparation and support if you want to break free. I suggest getting into therapy to start strengthening your damaged sense of self, learning to love and care for yourself, and to regain your sense of independence and begin leading a self-directed life. You need someone you can rely on to be there for you. A good therapist can really help. Wait until you're free and clear to start dating again. Other men are not the key because you're likely to repeat the pattern. Therapy. Edited February 19, 2014 by salparadise 1
Gemini x Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I just saw this on facebook... "- Sex is NOT love. Love is not sex - You can have sex and not be in love. You can be in love & not engage in sex - A man may hate you & still have sex with you. Be wise - It is self deception to think that giving him sex will make him love you - If he tells you to ‘prove your love’ by having sex with him. He is only using you - Making yourself his ‘sex slave’ is foolish. Love will never shame or degrade" 1
Author irisrose Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 Oh wow. I never considered it might need therapy to make me feel better. Of course I wouldn't rule it out though. I am curious though why you think I am avoidant? But everything else I would say is pretty much correct. Awful when it's written out for me to read. It's just whether I can keep the break. The break is never hard it's what comes after it- which this thread has made me realise is not words from the heart once he's realised what he's 'lost'. It's all bull****. I think you're likely onto it here, but I think it's more likely that she is avoidant/codependent, and he's narcissistic. Telling her he's going to spend time with the other ex is narc behavior. Having two ex's who are dependent and willing to give him everything for crumbs supports his grandiose false-self, allowing him to think of himself as superior. He knows how much it hurts her when he talks about the other ex and he takes pleasure from inflicting that pain. He controls her, and not in small ways, but her whole life. It supports his need to feel powerful, unique, superior. So I'd venture to say he's a narc with sadistic/antisocial traits. OP, I think you're going to need preparation and support if you want to break free. I suggest getting into therapy to start strengthening your damaged sense of self, learning to love and care for yourself, and to regain your sense of independence and begin leading a self-directed life. You need someone you can rely on to be there for you. A good therapist can really help. Wait until you're free and clear to start dating again. Other men are not the key because you're likely to repeat the pattern. Therapy.
salparadise Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Oh wow. I never considered it might need therapy to make me feel better. Of course I wouldn't rule it out though. I am curious though why you think I am avoidant? But everything else I would say is pretty much correct. Awful when it's written out for me to read. Here are several of your statements from the thread. I suspect avoidant tendencies because for years you have settled for status quo and stayed in a painful, damaging situation that you (and everyone here) consider unacceptable rather than summon the resolve and initiative to make changes that would be a reflex for most women. You keep quiet rather than being assertive. You justify the situation (and his motives) because you don't see yourself as worthy of a full, loving relationship; because you fear being alone and unwanted; you've convinced yourself that having sex with a man who is banging another woman (or women) is sort of like being loved, a poor but acceptable substitute since it allows you to be comfortable doing nothing rather than initiating change to get what you want (and deserve). You even convince yourself that he's dating the other woman but not phuukkin her! You create elaborate delusions to avoid facing the need to make changes that you know must be made to have a chance at decent life. Therapy is not merely a feel-good thing. It's about becoming aware of your own needs, learning to love and take care of yourself, realizing the changes you need to make in your life, summoning the courage to confront your fears head on win. It's not something you need think of as a big deal. It's estimated that a quarter to a third of American receive mental health services within a two year period, and that 80 percent consider it to have been effective. It's about making positive change happen. Appropriate? Perhaps it's not a case of believing him- more wanting to. My heart sinks every time he mentions her- and he gets angry if I say anything about it, so I just have to keep quiet. At the same time- I enjoy seeing him and have nothing/no one else. I met a few guys at uni but they didn't want anything serious.And the one nice guy I have met- I just didn't feel anything for. Sadly.I feel like I'm totally alone - I am extremely lonely- feel unattractive and unwanted so his attention makes me feel as though I am pretty/sexual etc. Just want to love and be loved! And in those moment I'm with him/having sex with him I feel as though I am. Even though clearly...that's not what's going on!
Author irisrose Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 He doesn't know how I feel about him. Has always maintained that he doesn't know I have feelings for him. So I don't think he does know. So when he speaks about other girls and sleeping with other girls he gets angry when I ask/get jealous as he thinks it's weird. Because he thinks I don't have feelings for him. So gets angry. His ex has recently been in touch so I asked "so I guess you will be meeting her soon then?" He got really angry and said it's not my business and wondered why I was asking. He said it annoys him when I ask about other girls and he doesn't know why I do it. So I dunno if he means to hurt me when he talks about others? Or am I being ridiculous? I think you're likely onto it here, but I think it's more likely that she is avoidant/codependent, and he's narcissistic. Telling her he's going to spend time with the other ex is narc behavior. Having two ex's who are dependent and willing to give him everything for crumbs supports his grandiose false-self, allowing him to think of himself as superior. He knows how much it hurts her when he talks about the other ex and he takes pleasure from inflicting that pain. He controls her, and not in small ways, but her whole life. It supports his need to feel powerful, unique, superior. So I'd venture to say he's a narc with sadistic/antisocial traits. OP, I think you're going to need preparation and support if you want to break free. I suggest getting into therapy to start strengthening your damaged sense of self, learning to love and care for yourself, and to regain your sense of independence and begin leading a self-directed life. You need someone you can rely on to be there for you. A good therapist can really help. Wait until you're free and clear to start dating again. Other men are not the key because you're likely to repeat the pattern. Therapy.
Author irisrose Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 Do you want to stop? Nope, I haven't.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 He doesn't know how I feel about him. Has always maintained that he doesn't know I have feelings for him. So I don't think he does know. So when he speaks about other girls and sleeping with other girls he gets angry when I ask/get jealous as he thinks it's weird. Because he thinks I don't have feelings for him. So gets angry. His ex has recently been in touch so I asked "so I guess you will be meeting her soon then?" He got really angry and said it's not my business and wondered why I was asking. He said it annoys him when I ask about other girls and he doesn't know why I do it. So I dunno if he means to hurt me when he talks about others? Or am I being ridiculous? It's all a ploy to keep you in line so you know your role. You are the FWB and that's where he wants to keep you. He pretends not to know about your feelings (trust me, he does) to keep you in line with what he wants. And you'll fall right in line. 2
BC1980 Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 It's all a ploy to keep you in line so you know your role. You are the FWB and that's where he wants to keep you. He pretends not to know about your feelings (trust me, he does) to keep you in line with what he wants. And you'll fall right in line. Yup. He knows exactly how you feel, and, in the wrong hands, those feelings are being manipulated. Of course, you are allowing it when you know you need to walk. 1
Author irisrose Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 So it's a case of- he pretends not to know - so he can carry on doing as he pleases? If he 'knew' then he'd have to deal with that fact that he is hurting me? I can't believe people (not guys - I'm sure girls do this too) but if he does actually know... He's a massive ...ugh. He's still my ex but it's like our relationship wasn't anything because this has been going on longer than our actual relationship. Just don't understand where all those feelings went. It's all a ploy to keep you in line so you know your role. You are the FWB and that's where he wants to keep you. He pretends not to know about your feelings (trust me, he does) to keep you in line with what he wants. And you'll fall right in line.
Author irisrose Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 Yup. He knows exactly how you feel, and, in the wrong hands, those feelings are being manipulated. Of course, you are allowing it when you know you need to walk. Agree with that. Just wasn't sure if he actually knows how I feel. As he says it's odd and I sound paranoid and jealous when I mention other girls- and that bothers him. So I guess it's keeping me shut up.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 So it's a case of- he pretends not to know - so he can carry on doing as he pleases? If he 'knew' then he'd have to deal with that fact that he is hurting me? I can't believe people (not guys - I'm sure girls do this too) but if he does actually know... He's a massive ...ugh. He's still my ex but it's like our relationship wasn't anything because this has been going on longer than our actual relationship. Just don't understand where all those feelings went. What feelings? It's been a FWB relationship with five years. The feelings from the actual relationship have been gone for a long time. As for you thinking that he doesn't know, he'd have to be the most obtuse person in the world not to know. And with the way he's kept you on a string, he's not obtuse. I mean, the fact that you were willing to dupe yourself into thinking he actually didn't know is a big part of your problem. You are bending everything to try to justify this "relationship" you have with this guy. Either that or you are the most frighteningly naive person on this earth. Either way, some counseling will do you good. As for him being a "massive ugh", it's not all on him. You need to shoulder your share of the blame. Yes, he is using you, but he can easily justify it in his mind by telling himself that you are obviously OK with it. Because by all indications, you seem to be.
Author irisrose Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 Thank you. I understand that this is 50/50. Or perhaps 70/30 really- because if I just said stop- no more and meant that, he'd have no hold over me. It's just getting there In regards to what you said- he knows I have feelings for him- can I ask onepre Question? If he knows (which he does)- why does he tell me about girls he is going to see/people he is going to meet? To hurt me? Why would he want to hurt me? Or to test my reaction or something? A lot of the messages on this thread have bed therapy/counselling related, so I will look in to what possibilities there are for me locally. As this seems to lie a lot inside me - for what reason I will have to figure out. x What feelings? It's been a FWB relationship with five years. The feelings from the actual relationship have been gone for a long time. As for you thinking that he doesn't know, he'd have to be the most obtuse person in the world not to know. And with the way he's kept you on a string, he's not obtuse. I mean, the fact that you were willing to dupe yourself into thinking he actually didn't know is a big part of your problem. You are bending everything to try to justify this "relationship" you have with this guy. Either that or you are the most frighteningly naive person on this earth. Either way, some counseling will do you good. As for him being a "massive ugh", it's not all on him. You need to shoulder your share of the blame. Yes, he is using you, but he can easily justify it in his mind by telling himself that you are obviously OK with it. Because by all indications, you seem to be.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Thank you. I understand that this is 50/50. Or perhaps 70/30 really- because if I just said stop- no more and meant that, he'd have no hold over me. It's just getting there In regards to what you said- he knows I have feelings for him- can I ask onepre Question? If he knows (which he does)- why does he tell me about girls he is going to see/people he is going to meet? To hurt me? Why would he want to hurt me? Or to test my reaction or something? A lot of the messages on this thread have bed therapy/counselling related, so I will look in to what possibilities there are for me locally. As this seems to lie a lot inside me - for what reason I will have to figure out. x Simple answer: It's to keep you in your place, so you don't get any "ideas" or delusions of grandeur on what your place in his life is. He tells you about other girls to let you know that he can replace you at the snap of a finger if you start to strive for more than what he wants to give you. It's a means of controlling you.
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