'Relationship' with Ex for 5 years after we broke up

[irisrose]

I've been reading lots of threads of here and wanted some advice on my situation. I've been told it holds me back from finding new love - I'm wondering what's going on.

 

My Ex and I were together for almost three years. Relationship fine but he was sometimes cold. He dumped me.

 

We remained FWB until he went to uni. We did uni and occasionally met up and had sex. During the holidays, I would go to his, we would have sex, watch films,cook and go out for drinks.

 

Over the past three years- I have been going around to his place once or twice a week. I stay over. We have a really great time together, drinking, cooking and hanging out. We are like a couple. We go out for dinners. We go on holiday together (we had a really great week away this summer). We speak on the phone a lot and help each other through problems. We are basically in a relationship.

 

But he is adamant we're not- he says he can have sex with whoever he wants (although he hasn't as yet- I said I wouldn't sleep with him if he was sleeping with someone else). He also said I can have sex with whoever I want, but I don't.

 

I just find this so hard. I know it's a put up and shut up situation, but I just don't understand why he'd do all of this with me (like go out for dinner/lunch/holidays/helping me out) if this was just all about sex. It seems more than sex.

 

This is why I find it so hard when he then says he is off to visit an ex, or go on a date. It crushes me inside.

 

I have told him I can't do this anymore to stop getting hurt, but he will then end up texting or calling and I will go back to see him. I recently stopped speaking to him and got a late night/early morning message saying I was the most important person in his life and he hoped I would never not be in his life.

 

This is what happens when I try to pull away. He says he doesn't want me and will do as he pleases but I am finding it hard to break free.

 

I don't understand this guy. We act like we're a proper couple but we're not. I ask because today was my last straw- I got a bit jealous that his ex is now pestering him again. I asked if he was going to go and see her- he said it was none of my business and it really bothers him when I ask about his personal life.

 

I just don't know what to do. This situation hasn't finished for 5/6 years now. What's going on?

[mammasita]

Have you ever been to a buffet? You can go to the serving line as many times as you want, have your choice of any food you want, as much as you want.....

 

You're the buffet and you're "ex" has free for all access because you let him.

 

STOP.

 

He's getting everything he wants and needs and you get absolutely nothing in return.

[Philosoraptor]

He's using you and you're allowing yourself to be used. You keep hope alive that it's something more, but he has told you straight up that it's FWB. Seems like you two are good friends, but he has no desire to make you more than a friend who he occasionally knocks boots with.

 

Vacations, dinner, hanging out... friends do that. FWB also have romantic encounters. He keeps you at arms length because he knows you will hang around.

 

So what you see is what you get. If you're happy and satisfied with this situation then stay. If you want more then you need to cut the contact with this guy and let him find someone else to get his rocks off with. Sounds like he's got a harem of girls already as he bounces back and forth with his ex's.

[irisrose]

It's just the one ex. He cheated on her (with me! He told me he was single but... turns out he wasn't...)

 

I guess you're right that friends go on holiday and hang out just minus the sex/affection.

 

It's so hard to break away- when I do - he will get in contact and say he misses me or that I'm important to him etc etc, so I guess I thought that one day he might change his mind.

 

He's using you and you're allowing yourself to be used. You keep hope alive that it's something more, but he has told you straight up that it's FWB. Seems like you two are good friends, but he has no desire to make you more than a friend who he occasionally knocks boots with.

 

Vacations, dinner, hanging out... friends do that. FWB also have romantic encounters. He keeps you at arms length because he knows you will hang around.

 

So what you see is what you get. If you're happy and satisfied with this situation then stay. If you want more then you need to cut the contact with this guy and let him find someone else to get his rocks off with. Sounds like he's got a harem of girls already as he bounces back and forth with his ex's.

[irisrose]

I have tried to stop before - and he will message to say I'm the most important person in his life or that he misses me etc. It's as though he can't make up his mind - I wish he would let me go if he didn't want me.

 

 

Have you ever been to a buffet? You can go to the serving line as many times as you want, have your choice of any food you want, as much as you want.....

 

You're the buffet and you're "ex" has free for all access because you let him.

 

STOP.

 

He's getting everything he wants and needs and you get absolutely nothing in return.

[mammasita]

I have tried to stop before - and he will message to say I'm the most important person in his life or that he misses me etc. It's as though he can't make up his mind - I wish he would let me go if he didn't want me.

You're in control, not him. Of course he's not going to let you go. You need to put an end to it because he NEVER will as long as you allow it.

[soccerrprp]

I have tried to stop before - and he will message to say I'm the most important person in his life or that he misses me etc. It's as though he can't make up his mind - I wish he would let me go if he didn't want me.

 

irisrose,

 

You are being manipulated and used. He tells you nice things b/c he knows that it works on you and then he gets what he wants...sex. You are being duped and used like a plaything. I have a friend who is in a similar situation...a woman. YOU have to get rid of him....he won't leave until he's finished using you. He'll keep coming back to the well (FREE, unconditional SEX with you) until he's finished with you.

 

Get out and never speak/contact him again.

[irisrose]

But if it was just for sex and only sex- why would he do all the other things too (meals/holidays/helping out etc)?

 

How did you friend stop it? Or hasn't she?

 

irisrose,

 

You are being manipulated and used. He tells you nice things b/c he knows that it works on you and then he gets what he wants...sex. You are being duped and used like a plaything. I have a friend who is in a similar situation...a woman. YOU have to get rid of him....he won't leave until he's finished using you. He'll keep coming back to the well (FREE, unconditional SEX with you) until he's finished with you.

 

Get out and never speak/contact him again.

[salparadise]

What's going on is that you're living a half-life because you're basically content with whatever crumbs he's willing to toss on the floor. He's getting exactly what he wants- sex, affection, companionship with zero responsibility or reciprocity. He's not the least bit concerned about you––but he'll take the easy pussy as long as you'll keep coming around. Meanwhile, you're in love with him and wish you could have a full relationship, and you're all about him to the exclusion of all other possibilities, one of which is leading a full, happy life with a partner who does reciprocate.

 

Do you really believe that he's not phukking other women? Why do you think he gets upset when you ask about his personal life? You're his ex and he's phukking you, so why would you think he's not doing the same with the other ex? I think he's playing you for a fool... and you're fully cooperative. I think you're naive to think he's not going to lie about this. You told him what your terms are so he knows it would be the end of the easy pussy.

 

What do you want? He's already told you that he doesn't want a relationship. Are you waiting for him to just up and change his mind after 5-6 years? Why would he––he gets to have his cake and eat it too.

 

Unless you want to be in exactly the same place in another 20 years, you're going to have to cut him off and make a new life for yourself.

[flightplan]

Oh good Lord, Iris... this is no brainer. Either stay with him and continue to be used or do what you know you need to do and move on. Your smart enough to figure this out. You doubt your resolve and ability to move on. Your trying to rationalize behaviors and asking questions that are irrelevant instead of facing the issue head on. He's manipulating you to get what he wants. His needs are being met. The only question that really matters and you should be asking yourself... are your needs being met? It's obvious they're not. He's happy.. you're not... leave?! Seems pretty obvious.

[soccerrprp]

But if it was just for sex and only sex- why would he do all the other things too (meals/holidays/helping out etc)?

 

How did you friend stop it? Or hasn't she?

 

He KNOWS what needs to be done to keep you "hooked." He knows what buttons to push to keep you around. My friend is slowly but surely moving away from that situation, but she needs good friends to PUSH her to do some of these things w/o over-thinking. She's made some HUGE decisions and changes and she becomes FREER by each decision. The key was admitting the ugly truth and starting the process of healing....FREEDOM from being duped, used, pissed-on, abused, wasting any more of her life, a manipulator and liar, from bondage to a happy life....This is what you want.

 

If you don't get this now and become more savvy about relationships, your self-esteem and your own happiness, you are looking at a lifetime of hurt and disappointment and I know you don't want that.

[irisrose]

Perhaps it's not a case of believing him- more wanting to. My heart sinks every time he mentions her- and he gets angry if I say anything about it, so I just have to keep quiet. Although I know it's a case of put up and shut up- it's just so difficult to leave when he gets me back there.

 

What's going on is that you're living a half-life because you're basically content with whatever crumbs he's willing to toss on the floor. He's getting exactly what he wants- sex, affection, companionship with zero responsibility or reciprocity. He's not the least bit concerned about you––but he'll take the easy pussy as long as you'll keep coming around. Meanwhile, you're in love with him and wish you could have a full relationship, and you're all about him to the exclusion of all other possibilities, one of which is leading a full, happy life with a partner who does reciprocate.

 

Do you really believe that he's not phukking other women? Why do you think he gets upset when you ask about his personal life? You're his ex and he's phukking you, so why would you think he's not doing the same with the other ex? I think he's playing you for a fool... and you're fully cooperative. I think you're naive to think he's not going to lie about this. You told him what your terms are so he knows it would be the end of the easy pussy.

 

What do you want? He's already told you that he doesn't want a relationship. Are you waiting for him to just up and change his mind after 5-6 years? Why would he––he gets to have his cake and eat it too.

 

Unless you want to be in exactly the same place in another 20 years, you're going to have to cut him off and make a new life for yourself.

[irisrose]

TO be fair- when we didn't speak for months on end- it did feel good in a way, because it felt quite ... nice to know that he wasn't going to text or call. It was nice because I didn't have to see him and hear about how he was going off with an ex or something.

 

At the same time- I enjoy seeing him and have nothing/no one else. I met a few guys at uni but they didn't want anything serious.And the one nice guy I have met- I just didn't feel anything for. Sadly.I feel like I'm totally alone - though not an excuse to keep seeing him.

 

He KNOWS what needs to be done to keep you "hooked." He knows what buttons to push to keep you around. My friend is slowly but surely moving away from that situation, but she needs good friends to PUSH her to do some of these things w/o over-thinking. She's made some HUGE decisions and changes and she becomes FREER by each decision. The key was admitting the ugly truth and starting the process of healing....FREEDOM from being duped, used, pissed-on, abused, wasting any more of her life, a manipulator and liar, from bondage to a happy life....This is what you want.

 

If you don't get this now and become more savvy about relationships, your self-esteem and your own happiness, you are looking at a lifetime of hurt and disappointment and I know you don't want that.

[Gemini x]

I enjoy seeing him and have nothing/no one else. I met a few guys at uni but they didn't want anything serious. And the one nice guy I have met- I just didn't feel anything for. Sadly. I feel like I'm totally alone - though not an excuse to keep seeing him.

 

And that's it right there. It's habit, it's what you know. You're lonely. You may be in love with him but the reason you keep going back is because you haven't been able to replace him with something else. He fills that lonely, empty void. Find new hobbies. Find anything to keep you from going back. Just go NC and let it go. He will keep using you, believe me.

 

You're giving him pussy and he has no responsibilities, nothing to worry about, as you're giving it away. He doesn't miss YOU, he misses that moment of not having to put forth any effort to get a piece of ass. It's sad, Iris, but all he thinks you're good for, and he thinks you're worth, is sex. He'll keep lying to you because you drop your panties. STOP!!

[reddragon588]

He either needs to commit or you need to move on. Relationships are supposed to move forward, you're stuck. If he can't commit now, he never will.

[irisrose]

In part I think. I am extremely lonely- feel unattractive and unwanted so his attention makes me feel as though I am pretty/sexual etc.

 

The thing that hurts me most is- we can have a great weekend- romantic even and then he will mention he's visiting an ex. But every time I've tried to leave him, he will say/do things that get back there. I know it's a case of being stronger than that but some times it is so hard.

 

He makes me feel like I'm the only one for him. It can be hard. But you're all right about it.

 

And that's it right there. It's habit, it's what you know. You're lonely. You may be in love with him but the reason you keep going back is because you haven't been able to replace him with something else. He fills that lonely, empty void. Find new hobbies. Find anything to keep you from going back. Just go NC and let it go. He will keep using you, believe me.

 

You're giving him pussy and he has no responsibilities, nothing to worry about, as you're giving it away. He doesn't miss YOU, he misses that moment of not having to put forth any effort to get a piece of ass. It's sad, Iris, but all he thinks you're good for, and he thinks you're worth, is sex. He'll keep lying to you because you drop your panties. STOP!!

[Gemini x]

In part I think. I am extremely lonely- feel unattractive and unwanted so his attention makes me feel as though I am pretty/sexual etc.

 

The thing that hurts me most is- we can have a great weekend- romantic even and then he will mention he's visiting an ex. But every time I've tried to leave him, he will say/do things that get back there. I know it's a case of being stronger than that but some times it is so hard.

 

He makes me feel like I'm the only one for him. It can be hard. But you're all right about it.

 

Then you know what you have to do. Go NC and don't look back. What you're so desperately wanting with this man, you're missing out on with someone else who can actually give you what you want. Someone who can love you back, someone who will know your worth when they aren't banging you. You're holding yourself back for someone that's not worth it. He's a user and will continue to do so.

 

You're already above him, Iris. You have love to offer - he has a penis. That should make you feel good about yourself, that you're loyal and trying to see the good in somebody. Use those good qualities on someone who is worth it. Please.

[irisrose]

Thanks Gemini,

 

I just... I've met a few guys and they've all turned out to be quite nasty the 'nice' one I met, I felt nothing for- and said I just wanted a friendship. He didn't like that and started threatening me and being nasty. So I guess I look at what I've had and think.... I've not really been worth anything - so if this is all I have to look forward to- maybe it is best to take what I can get?

 

Very difficult. Just want to love and be loved! And in those moment I'm with him/having sex with him I feel as though I am. Even though clearly...that's not what's going on!! Ha. But thank you for the kind words, I do feel exactly that way.

 

 

Then you know what you have to do. Go NC and don't look back. What you're so desperately wanting with this man, you're missing out on with someone else who can actually give you what you want. Someone who can love you back, someone who will know your worth when they aren't banging you. You're holding yourself back for someone that's not worth it. He's a user and will continue to do so.

 

You're already above him, Iris. You have love to offer - he has a penis. That should make you feel good about yourself, that you're loyal and trying to see the good in somebody. Use those good qualities on someone who is worth it. Please.

[changedlife]

In part I think. I am extremely lonely- feel unattractive and unwanted so his attention makes me feel as though I am pretty/sexual etc.

 

The thing that hurts me most is- we can have a great weekend- romantic even and then he will mention he's visiting an ex. But every time I've tried to leave him, he will say/do things that get back there. I know it's a case of being stronger than that but some times it is so hard.

 

He makes me feel like I'm the only one for him. It can be hard. But you're all right about it.

 

 

This is hard. I have deep deep issues with the fear of being alone, so honestly I can understand how you feel that this relationship fills that need for you.

 

You may understand this in your head but you may not feel it yet in your heart. You are worth more than this relationship you are in.

You know you want more, you know you desire more.

 

He is stringing you along unfortuantely because he has some deeper issues.

 

I'd recommend you do NC with him also completely. You will either wake him up and he will realize what a wonderful person he is losing by his actions or he will move on to try and do the same to somebody else.

 

If you continue to let it happen he will eventually start sleeping with other people and you will be much more hurt than what you are now.

 

Try and heal by yourself alone before you get into another relationship.

Remember you are a beautiful, loving, compassionate human being that just wants a real commitment from somebody like you are giving. There is somebody out there that will give you that. Just don't give up hope and find happiness with yourself. If you put all your happiness onto somebody else to make you feel these things that you don't feel on your own..then when that person leaves you will come crashing down.

 

Believe me.......I know... because right now I'm dealing with the same feelings.

[Simon Phoenix]

In part I think. I am extremely lonely- feel unattractive and unwanted so his attention makes me feel as though I am pretty/sexual etc.

 

The thing that hurts me most is- we can have a great weekend- romantic even and then he will mention he's visiting an ex. But every time I've tried to leave him, he will say/do things that get back there. I know it's a case of being stronger than that but some times it is so hard.

 

He makes me feel like I'm the only one for him. It can be hard. But you're all right about it.

 

I've noticed you keep blaming him, as if you have no say in the manner. And, quite frankly, that's bs. He doesn't make you do anything -- you choose to because you are weak and have no backbone. You will never get anywhere in this situation until you take responsibility and realize that you are the one who makes these terrible choices, you are the one who allows yourself to be sucked in, you are the one who gives everything without getting anything tangible in return.

 

Stop blaming him. He's not the issue, you're the issue. He's just exploiting things because you don't have the inner strength to stop him. He's never going to give you what you want because there's no reason for him to do so. Why should he have to give you want you want when he gets what he wants for free?

 

This is never going to change until you make it change but not putting up with it. But that will never happen if you keep blaming everything but yourself. You are an adult -- it's time for you to make an adult decision.

[irisrose]

I know you're right. The break is hard when he keeps getting back in touch and 'tempting' me back or saying he misses me/he's depressed etc etc.

 

But you are right, that is the choice I am making.

 

I've noticed you keep blaming him, as if you have no say in the manner. And, quite frankly, that's bs. He doesn't make you do anything -- you choose to because you are weak and have no backbone. You will never get anywhere in this situation until you take responsibility and realize that you are the one who makes these terrible choices, you are the one who allows yourself to be sucked in, you are the one who gives everything without getting anything tangible in return.

 

Stop blaming him. He's not the issue, you're the issue. He's just exploiting things because you don't have the inner strength to stop him. He's never going to give you what you want because there's no reason for him to do so. Why should he have to give you want you want when he gets what he wants for free?

 

This is never going to change until you make it change but not putting up with it. But that will never happen if you keep blaming everything but yourself. You are an adult -- it's time for you to make an adult decision.

[changedlife]

Yeah he is stringing you a long unfortunately and that just makes it so much harder. I see where I did that to my ex in the past and I hate myself for it. I hate a lot of the ****ty things I did.

 

At least I can be thankful she isn't going back and forth with the breakup right now. Our relationship for the last year has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs and right now I feel like it has crashed.

 

I can feel your pain. He has to make his own choices and wake up from what he is doing.

 

Maybe you can write an email to him just saying you are done.. you are hurting but you have to move on. Maybe that will wake him up to change... or leave you alone so you can heal.

 

-- just a thought.

 

I hope you are doing ok. I understand your pain

[Lokie]

irisrose, clearly you are feeling horrible about the relationship and yourself for staying in it. Please take the more "tough love/harsh" comments with a grain of salt.

 

I feel for you. I have been where you are. Oh, have I been there.

 

Please google love addiction and either look into some books or get to an SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) meeting. And stay open minded to what you read and hear. These are the mental traps I have said to avoid looking into relationships like yours:

 

* No one knows the level of love/passion/lust we share, so they can't understand.

* He has said he cares for me/loves me/wants me once, I know he still feels it.

* My man is different.

 

The contacting you after you pull away with "You are the most important person in my life" comments actually have a name: hooks. You are the hapless fish swimming around and he is the avid fisherman using exactly the right hook to reel you back in. Icky, isn't it?

 

Saying no to this man and moving on with NC may be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life so far. The dynamic that has existed between the two of you for all of these years is so much deeper than words you exchange. You pegged it in one of your posts about feeling unloveable and unattractive - then like an oasis, here he is saying the right things to make you feel better about yourself.

 

The unequivocal truth about this is that it is only YOU who can fill that void of feeling unloveable. It may sound foreign now, but recovery is possible. Think about it. If you step away from this guy entirely, put 1/2 of the effort you have put into him into you and rebuilding your self worth, I promise you, you will never have to feel this way again. You will intuitively know when you are in the presence of a guy like this in the future and you will pass on him, almost without even thinking about it. You will just KNOW you are worth more than what he is willing to give you. And if this takes longer to find your next relationship, you will learn to be joyful in your own company because you will know in your heart that you are worthy and lovable.

 

((Hugs)) to you,

L.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

This is a classic push and pull dynamic.

 

You are codependent and he has an avoidant personality, runs when things get serious, but comes back when he misses you. The two personalities together is what has developed this toxic relationship.

 

For 5 years, this is not normal and it will continue till one of you ends it.

 

The fact that he is seeing other girls is completely disrespectful to you. But it's something you obviously tolerate subconsciously because of your dependency on him. You may not like it, but you put up with it. Or you'd be gone.

 

Things won't change until you are at your wits end or he is at his. No amount of advice will change that.

 

I know because I've been there.

[LadyM]

I really feel for you, Iris, because I know how agonizing it can be to walk away from someone you care about. But in this particular case, you need to care about yourself more. Have you thought about the future with this guy? One of two scenarios will take place. He will continue to use you with your permission or, one day, you will never hear from again because he's in a relationship with someone he does care about and he will leave your heart shattered in a million pieces.

 

In both situations, you lose. That is why I am encouraging you to gather all your strength, which you have more of than you know, and walk away from this user. Not another word to him He needs no explanation because he already knows. Do for yourself what you would tell a daughter of yours to do. I know you would tell her to run from him, never to speak to him again. Be a friend to yourself and walk away from this man who does not care for you as you would like, no matter which fancy words he uses to manipulate you back into his bed, because the bed is all it's about for him.

 

Use your natural instincts for self-preservation and leave him before he leaves you. As painful as it will be short-term, it will be FAR worse for you if you continue letting him dictate the rules of this very toxic relationship. You will be alright. I promise.

 

Just read BYCS post. She's probably right. All the advice in the world won't help until you can't bear his mistreatment of you for a moment longer.