How do I let go? :(

[RickFox]

The average lifespan of a police officer, is approximately 53 years. In 2012, 126 PO's took their own lives, down from 143 the previous year however, your H is not handling the stress of his career nor his life well. The worst, WORST thing you can do is have an affair with another brother, it is one rule I will never break, no matter how hot the woman is and I am almost positive this is how the officer you fell for feels.

 

No matter how hard it is, leave the other guy be, focus on you and if you have to, let your H go, he needs to pull up his britches and fight his demons and if he chooses to push you away, then focus on you and you alone.

 

It takes a strong woman to be married to a LEO, so I know you're strong, find your strength Meggie

Edited February 19, 2014 by RickFox

[meggiemay]

The average lifespan of a police officer, is approximately 53 years. In 2012, 126 PO's took their own lives, down from 143 the previous year however, your H is not handling the stress of his career nor his life well. The worst, WORST thing you can do is have an affair with another brother, it is one rule I will never break, no matter how hot the woman is and I am almost positive this is how the officer you fell for feels.

 

No matter how hard it is, leave the other guy be, focus on you and if you have to, let your H go, he needs to pull up his britches and fight his demons and if he chooses to push you away, then focus on you and you alone.

 

It takes a strong woman to be married to a LEO, so I know you're strong, find your strength Meggie

 

Yes I know the stats aren't in his favour Rick. Health wise my H is doing a lot better - since going to rehab he has lost weight (no more booze!), his diabetes is under control, his blood pressure is also regulated ... before rehab he was a ticking time bomb.

 

I get the brother thing ... although I don't think that was the only reason, it was a big one. There is also concern about the mental demons my H deals with ... having an affair would destroy him if that ever got out - especially with someone he had trusted. I doubt anyone would want that on their shoulders all their life. Once when we were going to get together he said he'd never be able to look my H in the eyes again and I said neither would I ... so I asked him what his excuse would be if I wasn't with my H anymore ... and he said he wouldn't have one anymore ... so I think there is something to the being with another 'brothers' woman.

 

I am a strong woman Rick ... and I've always, always, always been the honest, upstanding 'good' girl ... why I let this happen I don't fully understand. I'm trying to let go ... it isn't working very well for me though

[meggiemay]

This may sound harsh, but given all your issues going on at home I don't see you could possibly think an affair would be a good idea. Yes, I'm sure the EA was an escape for you and made you feel good, but it was just adding more problems to an already bad situation. As you mentioned you fell so hard... and it was way too fast. Way too fast. You have to realize that your EA partner saw red flag after red flag of continuing this with you. Being needy in any relationship is a huge turnoff and an even bigger one in an affair. With your texts after he tried to end it, it more than likely strongly confirmed to him that he made the right decision. If that is how you reacted after just two months, imagine what it would have been like after 6 months. Two months is a blip in time no matter how many messages were exchanged or what was said. You have a lot on your plate coming up, hopefully you can focus on what is best for you and your kids because it is not going to be easy. Best of luck.

 

I never said I thought an affair was a good idea ... it just happened. And yes it has added to the problems that already existed. I also see how needy I became with the OM and I am sure that was a big turnoff for him. For that behaviour I feel really stupid ... I am not a foolish woman.

 

I am doing my best to focus on what is best for me and for my kids. That is most definitely my priority right now.

[Snipercatt]

I never said I thought an affair was a good idea ... it just happened.*

 

No, Meggie, it didn't just happen. Your affair was the result of small decisions added together. It was the result of increasingly choosing to lower boundaries. Thinking that it just happened allows you to not accept responsibility for your choices and decisions. Thinking it just happened allows you to think that there was some cosmic force that you had no control over.

 

You decided to have an affair.

[meggiemay]

No, Meggie, it didn't just happen. Your affair was the result of small decisions added together. It was the result of increasingly choosing to lower boundaries. Thinking that it just happened allows you to not accept responsibility for your choices and decisions. Thinking it just happened allows you to think that there was some cosmic force that you had no control over.

 

You decided to have an affair.

 

Fair enough ... I do take responsibility for what happened.

[meggiemay]

So - this morning after almost two days of NC who texts me out of the blue? Yep ... OM texted this morning ... said he wanted to know if I got his text as his phone had some water damage a couple days ago and he had put it in rice to see if he could fix it. So then we texted back and forth for awhile - nothing but just regular chatting - about the curling match Canada was playing in against Sweden, about the kids and my girls upcoming hockey tournament, and just chit chat about life. So ... how come every time I think I can start NC because HE wants it, does HE start to text again? I am just trying to lay low though and keep it just friendly chit chat, especially while I am still with my H.

 

How do you not get your hopes up that he does indeed have more feelings for you than he is willing to admit or take action on? I am still very much into him, but hate that I don't really know how he feels. Is he as conflicted as I am about how he is feeling?

[RickFox]

In this case I'd say he's using you as an ego boost, possibly when things aren't good around the house. He told you he wanted to end it, simply ignore him and remind him that you are keeping it the way he wanted it.

 

You cannot keep it light and be friends, especially since you are attached emotionally.

[Realist3]

So - this morning after almost two days of NC who texts me out of the blue? Yep ... OM texted this morning ... said he wanted to know if I got his text as his phone had some water damage a couple days ago and he had put it in rice to see if he could fix it. So then we texted back and forth for awhile - nothing but just regular chatting - about the curling match Canada was playing in against Sweden, about the kids and my girls upcoming hockey tournament, and just chit chat about life. So ... how come every time I think I can start NC because HE wants it, does HE start to text again? I am just trying to lay low though and keep it just friendly chit chat, especially while I am still with my H.

 

How do you not get your hopes up that he does indeed have more feelings for you than he is willing to admit or take action on? I am still very much into him, but hate that I don't really know how he feels. Is he as conflicted as I am about how he is feeling?

 

He obviously has feelings for you. It is a very difficult situation all around. Keep it as low key as you can.

[harrybrown]

Good luck in your situation.

 

This seems like a no-win situation.

 

To really help yourself, you do need to do the 180. The OM is not available.

 

Until he is available, you are hurting yourself. The OM is not as nice a person as he has you on a roller coaster of emotions. You may see his best side that he is showing you, but you do not see him in reality.

 

Tell him you want him to break up with his girlfriend, and you will tell her about your EA. Have him tell your H about the EA. This will make you and the OM free to be with each other. If he can't or will not do this, stop all contact.

 

Hopefully this will increase his willingness to change, break up with his girlfriend, help you divorce your H and you can introduce your H to his girlfriend.

 

Wish you all the best in this situation.

[meggiemay]

He obviously has feelings for you. It is a very difficult situation all around. Keep it as low key as you can.

 

It is very hard. He is all I think about

[meggiemay]

Good luck in your situation.

 

This seems like a no-win situation.

 

To really help yourself, you do need to do the 180. The OM is not available.

 

Until he is available, you are hurting yourself. The OM is not as nice a person as he has you on a roller coaster of emotions. You may see his best side that he is showing you, but you do not see him in reality.

 

Tell him you want him to break up with his girlfriend, and you will tell her about your EA. Have him tell your H about the EA. This will make you and the OM free to be with each other. If he can't or will not do this, stop all contact.

 

Hopefully this will increase his willingness to change, break up with his girlfriend, help you divorce your H and you can introduce your H to his girlfriend.

 

Wish you all the best in this situation.

 

I wish ... alas I don't see him breaking up with her. I need to try and move past this. It is so very hard as when I try he always seems to get back in touch and it gets my hopes up again. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster.

[chelsea2011]

I do get all of that - and it is nice to hear it from a man's perspective. Why would he tell me everything had changed in his relationship if it really is fine with his gf? I do want an explanation ... and maybe you are right that there really isn't one there to give. He is everything my hubby isn't and that is so darn appealing to me - especially right now. I don't see my husband and I continuing in our marriage ... I see us eventually separating in the near future. He actually isn't talking to me today after having said conversation last night.

 

I have gone back and forth about the "check his phone" thing. I guess my real reason is for wanting him to maybe hurt as badly as I am right now. When my hubby returns to work he won't be his sgt anymore as he will either be on steady days for awhile until he works back up to full time. If he ever goes back on the road this sgt doesn't want him on his shift anymore as there were issues that lead up to his meltdown and I believe there is some anger there and worry it could happen again.

 

If I had a different way to be in touch - talking or something - then I wouldn't continue to text. I guess in my irrational thinking I'm trying to remind him of what we did once share ... and if it was just a thrill that hurts too. It was so much more on my end

 

First, I'm sorry you are hurting right now. It sucks and hurts, I know.

 

You are going through a rough emotional time with your husband and in the beginning it probably felt like there was no escape and then boom OM (his boss) pops up. You felt alone and vulnerable and it was really nice to have someone ask "you" how "you" were doing. It touched a part of you that has probably been pushed deep down due to your husbands issues and it felt good that someone was finally caring about your thoughts and feelings for once. It happens.

 

The reality is that you transferred your need to feel cared about onto the OM because it felt good, exhilirating in fact, instead of facing the real issue and that is your marriage is in a bad place. If you turn your focus onto resolving your marriage, whatever that may be, your feelings for the OM will begin to fade into the background and clarity will set in. Your OM was nothing more than a distraction that's all.

 

Take it one step at a time and pick one thing in your marriage to focus on and then add more in when you feel you can and go from there.

 

Good luck. I hope you find peace.

Edited February 22, 2014 by chelsea2011

[chelsea2011]

One more quick observation. Your OM sounds like he is trying to do the right thing by not leading you on, but he's stuck now because he is addicted to ego boost the EA was giving him. That's why he trumped up an excuse about why he didn't get your texts. He did and had a weak moment and couldn't stop himself from textng you. He is having a hard time letting go too it seems.

 

If you truly care about him you will understand it's hard for him also and you will stay NC. Think about that for a moment. You want his attention for your own reasons that really have nothing to do with actually caring about him. When a person cares they don't want to cause the other person pain. You are causing him pain just like he's causing you pain. That's not love; it's an addiction.

Edited February 22, 2014 by chelsea2011
fixed that to/too thingy. :)

[meggiemay]

Well after all that we continued to text throughout the weekend ... and I admit I am still very much into him. It is all I think about ... I know it shouldn't be, but it seems like I am almost 'stuck'.

 

Last night though things changed suddenly .... we'd been fine chatting throughout the weekend while I was away at my daughters' hockey tournament and he was quite open to chatting. So of course last night (he was on nights) I texted him just saying Hey handsome and letting him know that I knew he was busy at work and just wanted to let him know that I was thinking of him. He fired back a response which then went back and forth between us in an argument. He was upset that I had texted him that and said if J (his gf) had have seen it, it wouldn't have been good. (I am actually wondering if J didn't question him about the amount of texting he'd been doing or if she intercepted any texts as lately he had said a few things about being careful what I was sending and to just be lowkey when I first texted him - I knew he was alone when he texted often and quickly). He said a few things that hurt - like all the stuff he said to me was only because he felt bad for me (which is a load of bullshi.t as it was so much more in depth than that - very emotional connections b/w us and we texted for hours and hours on end) ... said it was just joking around ... many times he said he wasn't going to text anymore, but he kept sending me texts back and forth. When I said it really hurt how things just suddenly changed he took that as meaning he caused ALL of the hurt - which I clarified as that not being true as my H has caused a lot of heartache lately with his actions and the actions leading up to everything in November - that had nothing to do with him. I hurt because I like him so much and I am feeling rejected and it doesn't even seem to bother him. I said a few things that upset him - like maybe J should read everything since it was just to make me feel better and I said that I really believed he was very different than some things I have heard about him in the past, but maybe those things were true after all ... eventually the arguing stopped ... and we talked about me going back to work and then we kind of just ended. I said I wouldn't send anymore texts. I told him if he ever wanted a listening ear, to chat or ever changed his mind that he knew where I was.

 

Not sure what will happen now ... but honestly it is for the best. Last night was good timing as I had an apt with my therapist today. We talked through everything ... she pulls no punches and she is very honest and direct. I need to focus on home and on me right now - I need to put a little more effort into interacting with my H so that even if the marriage does come to an end I won't always question if I made a mistake moving on ... maybe things will get better. I have put no effort into trying ... I just feel so numb about everything with H right now. It is going to be hard ... but I have to do that. So I know in my head it is best for all of us for OM and I to not be in contact anymore ... but my heart aches as I still like him, despite everything. I'm thinking he is conflicted too ... but trying to do what is right as well. My therapist feels he will likely be in touch again as he seems to like to have control of the situation and likes the ego boost too. Maybe things at home aren't as great as he professes them to be and he texts when things aren't going so well or when she is at work. I don't know ... too much overthinking on my part and it is getting exhausting.

 

Never again will I get into an EA ... too many emotions and too much confusion for everyone involved Sadly though if he texted and said he was totally into me and wanted me back, right now I'd be totally game. I know it is terrible ... but it is very true. I have fallen very hard for him. I feel like I am going crazy with all of the confusion and games.

Edited February 25, 2014 by meggiemay