tunafish Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I split with my ex beginning of December. First some background. We were together 10 years. I was 25 and she was 19 when we met. We met through friends and I will admit she wasn't my type to start with, but she was so nice we started dating. She was only my second LTR. We moved in together 6 years ago, into her home town, 15 miles from mine. We never argued, things were great. Not long after we moved in I started to notice she wasn't being as loving anymore, the sex diminished and our first proper row was on holiday and I can't remember a lot about it, or what started it, except We were drunk and I was crying, it was about me not feeling that she loved me anymore and she said that she felt she couldn't even cuddle her boyfriend to comfort me. This should of set alarm bells off but I let it slide because I loved her so much and we promised to work on it. A little while after I tried to end it because I still wasn't feeling the love but she promised she did love me and we would work on it. Eventually the abnormal became the normal and we just carried on. She was the first girl i ever lived with so I assumed this is how she was going to be. We always said I love you to each other and still enjoyed being together and had fun but It just didn't feel right, she said she was just a very private person and we both agreed we had trouble opening up to each other and we would work together on it. This is going to be a bit all over the place as I remember stuff. I apologise. At one point about 5 years ago, an old school friend got in touch with me, a girl who liked me a lot when we were about 13 (nothing happened ever between us) and it felt nice to be speaking to someone who I thought genuinely liked and cared for me, and I suppose I had what you would call an emotional affair with her for a little while. My ex didn't know or find out and I stopped it before it went any further. About 4 years ago she met this proper knob wide boy idiot, who she took a shine to as a friend, and after meeting this person I told her that I didn't like him and I didn't want her hanging around with him. He dealt cocaine and although we used to do a bit here and there I had finished with all the clubbing scene and drugs around the time I met my ex when I was 25/26, it had become boring but I made allowances for her as she was a bit younger than me and still liked going out. One night she phones me at home (I had work the next day so didn't go out) asking if this fella can come back to the house, I said no, she starts begging and I assumed she was coming back with a few people so in the end I gave in and said whatever. About 4am I can hear this idiot talking downstairs and tutted to myself and went back to sleep. When I get up at 6 there's no one there. On my way out the door she comes home looking wrecked, and I pull her up on where she's been. She hits the roof and when I have a go and say you woke me up at 4 she tells me to "grow some bollocks and come down and say something" I called her a coke wh0re and left for work, she phones me during the day and I get out of her that she came home on her own with him. I moved out, told her it was over and didn't go home for 3 days until she begged me to go back. We used to have some good party's at ours and one night about 3 years ago after everyone had gone home we went to bed, and I had had enough of feeling like she didn't want me anymore, we only had sex when she had been drinking, we weren't communicating, and I told her that this wasn't what I wanted anymore and I thought we should end it. She begged me to stay and declared her undying love for me, promised that we were meant to be together and she would give 110 % to make it work. I believed her. 6 months later she's pregnant, conceived on her birthday (Drunken sex again, probably once every 2 months tops, didn't tell me she wasn't on the pill anymore) This is where it really goes downhill. She wants to keep it, I know she doesn't love me and now I can't leave as she's pregnant. I have got to man up and make the best of this. Which I do. I put everything I've got into her trying my hardest to make her happy and comfortable The day comes when she goes into labour, I take her to the hospital and she wants her sister there too. Fair enough, they are very close. I'm sent on errands and while I'm out her sister phones and tells me that my ex doesn't want me at the birth, doesn't want me to see her in this state. I'm heartbroken. I'm not going to be there for my sons birth. But I have to respect her wishes. Baby comes home. Things get really hard, obviously. Baby's in our bed, I'm sleeping on the sofa for over a year because she won't put him in he's cot, I'm working 6 till 6, doing all the evening feeds and housework trying to do as much as I can as she's understandably tired. She gets a lump on her throat. Which turns out to be thyroid cancer. Were devastated and I'm terrified. Thought i was going to loose her. She has it cut out and has been given the all clear. I tried to be there for her every step of the way but she doesn't want me, she goes to our neighbour who has the same thing. I let her as she can advise her a lot better than I can seeing as she's had it. I can feel her getting even further away from me but I don't say anything as she has enough on her plate. I sometimes stand in the kitchen thinking 'if I was to leave right now no one would even notice". I feel invisible. There's a!ways people round my house when I get home from work, either neighbours or her family, there's no time for me. Then the neighbours split up and we have a talk and she says it will never happen to us, we can work through anything our love for each other is so strong. Then her grandad dies who she is really close to. I try to console her and be there but again, she pushes me away until one night a few days after the funeral she comes home drunk and tells me " I love you but im not in love with you anymore" My whole world collapses. I ask her if she wants me to leave but she wants me to stay and we can try and work on it. I agree. I go into romantic overdrive, love notes, doing all the housework and garden, rose petals on the floor and candlelit baths, looking after my son at night while she goes out to blow off steam, (I've got a herniated disc in my back and crippling sciatica at this time) all the cooking, romantic meals, just trying to win her love back but I can feel its not helping one bit. In fact I'm feeling as if she is cheating on me. She in the mean time is telling me things are going to be OK and we are going to be alright. She wants to go on holiday so I take her to Greece for a week. Our first holiday on our own for 5 years. She usually asked her mates to come with us. 4 months this goes on for until I can't take it anymore, and one Sunday morning when she rolls in after being out about 10am, and completely ignores me, I pull her up on it. She says she's just tired and everything is OK but I push her on it saying I can feel it, that everything I'm doing isn't working and she admits that the feelings aren't coming back, how she can't pretend to love me any more and has been living a lie for the past 6 years. I tell her I'm moving out on a break, I'll pay for the house and stuff for a few months while she decides what she wants. I pack a few bits into a bag and move into my parents. The very next day she is down the council telling them she's going to be homeless in 2 weeks and I've left her. The council phone me and I tell them what's happened and they want us to go for an interview. She has lied to them and I have a real go at her, giving her some home truths about how I've been feeling for the last 5 or 6 years, so much so that she slaps me in the street on the way to the interview, although I admit I was saying some pretty horrible things, all the truth though. She packs all my stuff into bags over the next few days, tells me to leave and to take our dog with me, who she wanted to get 6 months previous. So here I am, 2 months later, living at my parents at 35 while I look for somewhere to live, only seeing my little boy on Wednesdays and every other weekend. The worst thing is I still love her, hope for reconciliation, hope she will have a turn of heart and realise she does love me. I want my family back together and for us to be happy. But I'm not holding my breath. What really hurts is the deception, the stringing me along, the broken promises and shattered dreams. Just needed to vent all this, i was doing ok until i got an i miss you text, thats put me back to square 1. Sorry to dump all this on you all.
Author tunafish Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 When i left i left everything, didnt take anything from the house except my clothes and my laptop. I feel ive lost everything, my family, our friends, all my friends are married or moved away so ive not really got anyone to go out with, i invested so much and gave up so much to be with her. And now its all gone.
lvroflife Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Being honest: Your relationship RIGHT NOW is toxic, and the both of you need space from each other to cool EVERYTHING down. You need it to clear the clouds in your head and rediscover YOURSELF. She needs it because it sounds like she has to sort out what she truly wants YOU or the party scene. Sounds to me she is trying to hav both. She needs to live and get the partying out her system. Secondly, You both keep saying you are going to work on and can make. But, what have you two done to work on it. Couples Counseling? Individual Therapy? Set up a night where you two just talk? In order for the problems to cease you have to communicate the problems and discuss solutions. Thats all I got for now, I could go on and on but I will just say the basics.
Author tunafish Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 Thank you for your brutally honest reply. Communication was always a big problem with us, I'm the sort to bottle it away, especially lately due to there being so much other stuff going on ( new baby, cancer, grandad) and since.my son was born I now realise that I was slipping into a depressed state. I stopped taking care of myself, didn't want to go out, I told myself it was so I didn't waste money that I could otherwise spend on her and my son, but it wasn't, I just wanted to lock myself away from all my problems. Since we split I've lost 20lb, started working out again and trying to go out again to enjoy myself for me, I'm not doing this to try and win her back, I've kind of accepted that we are over and I've got to try and move on, but she has expected me to be able to be friends with her straight away, because she obviously detached from me long ago but I can't. There is too much feelings and hurt on my side. She even asked if I wanted to stay living with her in our home as friends but I said I couldn't do that. The council are paying all her rent and stuff now so she doesn't really have any housing or money worries. She was always on the phone asking for favours after I moved out, which I gladly did, trying to make her see how much I cared, but I started resenting doing them, and the last straw was when she asked if I could put some money in her bank to cover a bill she had coming out. I refused and told her to get her mates to help her out (she had told me after the ilybinilwy speech that her friends would always come before me) She went mental swearing at me etc. I called her a cake eater which didn't go down well and told her I didn't want to be her friend, at least for now until I had healed and I only wanted to talk to her if it involved our son. Even after all this I still love her, what a mug I am.
lvroflife Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Bro!!! You are not a mug!! You are human who is in love with this girl! You say you have accepted things they way they are...but truly have you? It seems you do want to try and reconcile with her at some point (which is perfectly fine, your heart wants who your heart wants). Being friends with her, you made the right call. Only be there for your son right now. She needs to miss you and feel waht life is like without you. You need not to see her at all, but that is impossible for the sake of your son. And I am not saying this to win her back I say this because you are in deep with her and you need to fully regain YOU so you can be logical and think things with logic! I too am in a place where I am in love with someone who dumped me and I miss her terribly. I am staying far away from her. You are doing things right, by working out and doing what you need to for YOU! Keep doing that, and in time things will become more clear.
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