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When grief turns into hate

CapturedMemories

By CapturedMemories
in Coping

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CapturedMemories New Member

CapturedMemories

Posted
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It's been 4 weeks since we broke up nearly a month I guess. Been doing the NC and took things to the extreme burned his stuff. We've had a tough LDR.

 

My ex dumped me out of the blue saying he met someone else. Gut says cheating or back up plan. He never gave me the answer. I was hurt, but strangely I don't feel hate towards her at all. As a matter of fact he's in a circumstance I'm glad I don't have to deal with any longer. I even wished them the best of luck and boy does she need that.

 

I pushed myself to take this offer of a guy friend to have a drink on Valentines. My ex used to tell me to stop talking to him because of my past with this man. Some would probably bash me for this. Nothing happened we just had a good time as friends.

 

I've come to a point where my ex actually disgusts me for doing what he did. But this fast? It only took a month? I've yet to get my stuff back frankly I don't even care anymore.

 

I know the break ups and emotions come in waves I wonder to what extent you're allowed to do the self reflection without getting lost in the entire process. Am I thinking my grief is turning into hate or unconsciously pushing myself way too hard to get over it?

Edited by CapturedMemories
TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

First of all, read up on Kubler-Ross' 5 stages of Grief:

 

In my opinion, these 'stages' don't necessarily come in this order, and their duration and intensity varies.

 

Relax.

If you're looking for an answer to 'is this reaction normal' I would say yes, it definitely is.

 

if you know what 'normal' is, of course.

 

;)

STM206 Established Member

STM206

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Posted

I would like to think that hating someone would be much better than missing them. Keep day by day. Sounds like you've got a good handle on everything!

lakerman34 Established Member

lakerman34

Posted
Posted

I remember going through this stage with my ex.

 

You hate EVERYTHING about him/her.

 

You'll know when you're over him/her when you become indifferent and just don't care anymore. Hell, my ex I wish her the best and wish she'd figure out things in her life. I actually JUST re-added my ex on Facebook.

 

Extreme indifference, but well-wishing like I'd wish any stranger.

Gemini x Established Member

Gemini x

Posted
Posted
I remember going through this stage with my ex.

 

You hate EVERYTHING about him/her.

 

You'll know when you're over him/her when you become indifferent and just don't care anymore. Hell, my ex I wish her the best and wish she'd figure out things in her life. I actually JUST re-added my ex on Facebook.

 

Extreme indifference, but well-wishing like I'd wish any stranger.

 

I don't know your story; but since you've recently added her back is there a possibility of a reconciliation? Not that you're looking for that, nor wanting that, but would that be an option if she were to initiate it?

tlegend Established Member

tlegend

Posted
Posted
I don't know your story; but since you've recently added her back is there a possibility of a reconciliation? Not that you're looking for that, nor wanting that, but would that be an option if she were to initiate it?

 

I will be honest here. If my ex initiated a reconciliation, I would be ecstatic.

 

With that being said, I know that she won't do it. She's getting comfy with my replacement.

 

Facebook sucks.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

And why, pray, have you not blocked her on FB? Why are you still checking and 'going there'...?

 

FB doesn't 'suck'.

 

You just say that because you currently have diminished will-power....

tlegend Established Member

tlegend

Posted
Posted
And why, pray, have you not blocked her on FB? Why are you still checking and 'going there'...?

 

FB doesn't 'suck'.

 

You just say that because you currently have diminished will-power....

 

I don't check her facebook anymore really. I hardly even log into facebook anymore tbh.

 

Thankfully I'm sure she has me blacklisted or put on my own security settings as when we WERE friends on facebook, I could see lots more of the things she did when she posted things last time I checked a few weeks ago.

lakerman34 Established Member

lakerman34

Posted
Posted
I don't know your story; but since you've recently added her back is there a possibility of a reconciliation? Not that you're looking for that, nor wanting that, but would that be an option if she were to initiate it?

 

Honestly, if she just wanted to screw, I may allow that.

 

But this isn't the first time I've re-added her. I re-added her months ago, and actually deleted her because I thought her posts were annoying (those girly, sorority girl posts about a whole lot of nothing -- like photos of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West).

 

She wasn't right for me, at all. Which is why the girl that I'm trying to get over now (never dated, but chased for 14 months, she kind of jerked me around a little bit) is that much harder to get over b/c it wasn't based off of sex. It was based off of a deep friendship where we both opened up to each other in ways that we don't even open up to our best friends.

 

My ex and I never had that. She and I had sex and sex and sex which led to talking which led to opening up which led to a relationship -- the entire foundation was based off of our enjoyment of screwing each other. Though sex is important, the problem with people is they think this idea of "chemistry" and "f*ckability" is what makes a worthy partner. I TRULY, HONESTLY believe that a relationship that lasts is one based off of a deep friendship. Unfortunately, NO 21 year old girl is going to see that (and that's why the 21 year old I was after pretty much told me "yeah, we are INCREDIBLY compatible in a lot of ways, even most, but we just aren't romantically compatible. I have no feelings for you.")

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CapturedMemories New Member

CapturedMemories

Posted
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Posted (edited)

Sorry for my absence and thus late reply.

 

Honestly, if she just wanted to screw, I may allow that.

 

But this isn't the first time I've re-added her. I re-added her months ago, and actually deleted her because I thought her posts were annoying (those girly, sorority girl posts about a whole lot of nothing -- like photos of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West).

 

She wasn't right for me, at all. Which is why the girl that I'm trying to get over now (never dated, but chased for 14 months, she kind of jerked me around a little bit) is that much harder to get over b/c it wasn't based off of sex. It was based off of a deep friendship where we both opened up to each other in ways that we don't even open up to our best friends.

 

My ex and I never had that. She and I had sex and sex and sex which led to talking which led to opening up which led to a relationship -- the entire foundation was based off of our enjoyment of screwing each other. Though sex is important, the problem with people is they think this idea of "chemistry" and "f*ckability" is what makes a worthy partner. I TRULY, HONESTLY believe that a relationship that lasts is one based off of a deep friendship. Unfortunately, NO 21 year old girl is going to see that (and that's why the 21 year old I was after pretty much told me "yeah, we are INCREDIBLY compatible in a lot of ways, even most, but we just aren't romantically compatible. I have no feelings for you.")

 

Lakerman34 I so agree with that mindset! Though I admire you for still wanting to be in touch with the ex. I've never been in touch anymore with any of my ex-s. Not planning to either. If we'd bump into each other I might say hi but that's it.

 

Thanks everyone for the input! Although I must say besides my job I look for distraction, such as taking on swimming, trying to spend more time with friends when I can. It's slowly getting better.

 

How in one day things can change I get an extra backstab along with it. If there's a term that goes beyond ''hate'' someone please tell me because I'm at that stage right now. When you think it couldn't get any worse he actually texted me concerning my stuff. He obviously still had my number.

Why??? After NC for a month. I KNOW I shouldn't have replied but I did saying I didn't care anymore I destroyed his things I suggest he does the same. Nothing more nothing less.

 

Well new gf took over the conversation. She even said she doesn't mind my stuff being there as he spends day and night with her. I mean, really? I got rubbed in what I'm missing, how they're happy now, best sex drive she could ever wish for, he's got the real thing instead of the LDR having to wait to see one another etc. How they ran into each other and hit off. One she's either malicious or two: he hasn't been telling her the truth either. She doesn't know me or vice versa. Ended her text by saying the big B word. I sat there and shook my head.

 

All I asked was ''are you done now.'' Wow just wow, speechless to her vocabulary and my calmness. Still I don't hate her at all. To a point where I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me. I've turned imune and numb.

Edited by CapturedMemories
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