gettingstronger Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 So interesting the different responses. As a BS my answer came from the need to have the AP totally out of our life and doing whatever it takes to do that. Some of the OW responses are more geared to how the MM would view her. Neither is right or wrong, just different perspectives. 1
jnel921 Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Your BH is hurting and you want to talk to the AP? I don't agree that he doesn't want to discuss anything other than work "for now". His answer should be "for good". What is the point in you knowing how his situation is going. That is between him and his wife. The only person who should listen to you is a counselor. Mainly to help you from hurting you BH and staying away for your AP so there is no further damage. Seriously, what is there to say?
AjisenHi Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 So interesting the different responses. As a BS my answer came from the need to have the AP totally out of our life and doing whatever it takes to do that. Some of the OW responses are more geared to how the MM would view her. Neither is right or wrong, just different perspectives. Hi OP gettingstronger and everyone, JMO but I think a lot of the advice OW or BS is also geared towards how the OP will view herself in the future. The only person she has to live with ultimately is herself. If she crosses boundaries, the A goes from complicit between her and her AP to non-consensual. Her H if he is hoping to reconcile will view this contemplated action as a betrayal. And it is a workplace A, so the danger of risking job security comes into play. I can understand her intense need to be in contact with her AP on any shape or form at whatever cost to all parties involved as I have been watching my sis go thru this. I am afraid that she may not like the person she is now when she ultimately recovers from this painful situation. 1
chelsea2011 Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 If you are trying to blow your chance with your husband why not just tell him you are not interested in reconciliation? Why put him through the pain of believing he is working towards a healthy relationship with you? You aren't in it. You are still in your affair and that is certainly more important to you right now. Totally agree. Great post Peaks. Tarnished, you are being 100% unfair to your husband with this obsession of needing to "talk" to your AP. It's time to be honest with yourself and your husband by putting all of your stuff on the table, so he knows 100% what he is dealing with when it comes to you. You will never be happy in life as long as you allow yourself to flounder around in this obesession. Try being honest and authentic for once. You might end up being surprised at the forgiveness that comes your way. Forcing the issue on your current terms will never work; only honesty will. 1
Popsicle Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 You say you want to tell him how you feel. What is it that you feel that you want to tell him?
wasntlooking Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Not to jump the thread but what if the dumper is the one who wants to get back in touch eith AP and not the dumpee?
SweetandHappy Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 He has asked you to keep your distance from him. You seem to be in a fragile state. If you break this request for NC, you will feel worse. Get your life in order and let him get his in order also. Concentrate on your family... whether you divorce or reconcile. 1
Author Tarnished Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 Thank you to all who took the time to reply. Pretty much everyone is right in what they've said, one way or another. It is my problem to handle and so I will. I will let go and find some self respect... Thanks again. 1
Artie Lang Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 (edited) i'm also confused about the "for now" comment. do you mean to say that you are still considering keeping in contact with this man? if you're trying to recover your marriage- WHY?! why are you still working with him? the reason you can't get over this is because you haven't adhered to NC. idk, but it seems that your husband is the consolation prize in all this. your reconciliation effort takes a backseat to this closure you are looking for. clearly, you are not over this affair and are trying to hold on to any little tidbit this OM will give you... a lunch meeting, for instance. furthermore, if you do indeed harbor feelings for someone other than your husband, it might very well be in hid best interest to go at it alone. Edited February 19, 2014 by Artie Lang
experiencethedevine Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I would lean toward the general consensus of opinion here. However, what concerns me most is that you clearly stated your involvement with the married man who was your affair partner was a means of 'exiting' your unsatisfactory marriage. This indicates to me that since you have proportionately changed your mind and stated that you are 'unsure' whether you want to recover your marriage or divorce, your husband in all of this appears to have little value to you. I would suggest in this case that you attend counselling with some urgency in order that you might begin to address the obvious problem of your own sense of self, your own value and why you are unable to function without the attention of a man.
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