Tarnished Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 (edited) I know I'll probably be crucified for asking (as I have been in the past) but I just would like some opinions... Ex-AP has asked me to leave him be for now but the problem is that we work together and everyday I have to see him or deal with him, it reminds me of how much I still feel for him. We've had some basic work conversations but not spoken about us and our respective D-Days. My BH and I are about to undertake IC as we are considering a trial separation to see if we really want to be together. This isn't a direct result of the affair, more addressing the reasons that led me to have an affair in the first place. Even though ex-AP has been polite and asked me to understand that he needs me to leave him alone for now, I still feel that I need to tell him how I feel - that I miss him and to find out if he is reconciling his own marriage. I'm so confused over it all. My rational head says to respect his request to be left alone - if he had anything to tell me, he would. But my heart says that I won't be able to move on until I feel I have been completely honest with him and myself (even if it brings me more heartache with his rejection). What should I do? Do I ask him if he would be willing to talk to me - he doesn't even have to talk, just listen... Has anyone else felt like this or been through this torment? Edited February 18, 2014 by Tarnished 1
RickFox Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 (edited) Leave him be. It doesn't matter now. His words and his actions should tell you where you stand. Edited February 18, 2014 by RickFox 8
TaraMaiden Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 ....My rational head says to respect his request to be left alone - if he had anything to tell me, he would. But my heart says that I won't be able to move on until I feel I have been completely honest with him and myself (even if it brings me more heartache with his rejection). You've essentially answered your own question here. And if you've asked before - why ask again? you know what you're going to be told.... What should I do? Do I ask him if he would be willing to talk to me - he doesn't even have to talk, just listen... Has anyone else felt like this or been through this torment? he doesn't care. I was thinking of suggesting you write him a note, but if he's made these requests and specified exactly what he wants you to do, or not do - it's a clear indication that you should comply, because he will ignore it, and at worst, you will go down in his estimation and severely dent your own dignity. I realise you're going to IC for problems within your marriage - focus on this instead. do you actually WANT to stay with your H?
Author Tarnished Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 (edited) I want to say that I want to stay with my H, but unless I can get over ex-AP, I don't think we stand a chance... I need to be honest with everyone in this situation and I realise all the choices aren't my own to make... Ex-AP may not feel the same as me (probably doesn't from his actions, as has been said); H may not want to stay with me anyway because he knows I have feelings for someone else; and me, well I don't know what I want! I guess if I'm totally honest I was in the A as an exit strategy, but ex-AP was in for attention and affection... I guess that's not changed for him... If he had had an epiphany and realised he loved me too, he would have said so by now... Edited February 18, 2014 by Tarnished 1
Speakingofwhich Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I concur with posters suggesting you leave him be. Two reasons. 1. To respect his request for NC. 2. If you do talk with him or write to him about your feelings his reaction or non reaction whichever the case may be may just add to your confusion about the situation.
TaraMaiden Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 No.... All the choices you have, are yours to make. You can only control you - and you can't manipulate anyone else's decisions - but neither can and should they manipulate yours. Never base decisions on what someone else would feel/say/react. Decide for you, not for others. Come to terms with these facts: If your AP did not exist, your problems still would. Your feelings for your H had sufficiently diminished to 'allow' you the choice of having an affair. Your AP doesn't want to continue this affair. He's out of the picture. So, you're left with the following: Unrequited love; diminished affection for your H; a life less fulfilling for you, if you stay (why would you? give reasons) A life undiscovered if you go (scary, huh?) 1
herself Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Do you think heroine addicts actually WANT to put heroine in their body? Of course not, they NEED it to feel better. Same for you and many of us, we are addicted the the A so our drug is gone now that A ended and we still crave and withdrawal symptoms are excruciating. Its a bad situation to still see him daily, very bad. Many of us dont so we are able to find a tiny bit of peace but you wont leave your job, perhaos he will as he senses you wont let go. You did mention personal marriage details to him in your phonecall. Clearly his answers weren't enough. You did say there is nothing more to discuss, clearly you wont stand by that. I feel you need to be strong here and not give in to needing & clinging to someone who is now focused on his wife and family. He is healing and repairing the mess he made, and that you made with him. He sees talking to you as cleaning the mess with a mop he dipped in mud first. Its complicating things for him to have any communication with you and if you REALLY love him, just let him go. Be silent, show respect for him & yourself & both your families. Dont let the addiction win. 5
gettingstronger Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I am a BS but hear me out on this- I honestly think if it will help your marriage and possibly prevent you from becoming a "bunny boiler" you should do it-just remember, you may not get what you want in return so go in to it as a one time shot at saying your part and thats all- when I discovered my husbands affair he was 2 days away from a business trip to her town- I told him to go, see her and get everything on the table and then clear it- she declined and now she still intrudes- I sometimes think had she just met with him and saw his face, heard him talk about wanting to reconcile and had her chance to say what she wanted things may have been different- BUT and I say again- this has to be a one time thing in your mind, not an opening to reconnect, it has to be an opportunity to close the door- good luck- 2
TaraMaiden Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 That's a different scenario all together. It was you who encouraged your H to get this over and done with, once and for all. You, I take it, are still with your H and working with him (presumably) to repair the damage to your relationship. The scenario presented by the OP is completely different; for a start, she has to see her ex-AP every day. Secondly, her marriage is already in its final death-throes (in my opinion) and I simply perceive her going through the motions. No good will come of her confronting him and spilling her heart out, particularly as he has already made it abundantly clear that he wants her to keep her distance.
AlwaysGrowing Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Tarnished, You state in this thread that you and XAP have never discussed the affair, his marriage, etc. Your other threads clearly state otherwise. XAP, has been clear. He would like you to step back, not ask him about his marriage, his Dday or put yourself in his personal life. You need to weigh your need to discuss this with him, and his need to have a safe work environment. If you continue down this path, how might this be perceived from a HR perspective? He has given you a boundary, one that you seem to cross often. His next avenue might just be to tell HR, of the affair, and how you are not honouring his wishes to now stay within professional contact. What then? With all that is on your emotional plate right now, and going through a transition in your own personal life would it not be prudent to focus on yourself singularly. Just you. Work through the emotional closure of your marriage. Work through what lessons you have learned about yourself in regard to what qualities you need in a relationship.
TaraMaiden Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Tarnished, You state in this thread that you and XAP have never discussed the affair, his marriage, etc. Your other threads clearly state otherwise. .... I think she means since their break-up.....
gettingstronger Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Tara- I disagree- although yes, the situations are different, the need for closure is the same-if she feels like she needs to tell him how she feels so she can move forward, I think she should-provided that its just that, for her to have her say and nothing more-now if its to open the door again or if she is not prepared to have her feelings smashed, then no-its not a good idea- I am just a firm believer in getting it all out-saying it like it is, moving on and being a better, healthier person- yes, during our reconciliation I have said things that my husband did not want to hear, things that temporarily set up back, but I knew that if I kept it bottled up it would eventually come spilling out in an even worse way-when I speak to my husband about how I feel I am fully ready for what ever comes next-be it a fight, a hug or just silence-thats the key-you have be be ready for the outcome of your actions and words-JMO 1
Waverly Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I so completely understand the urge to talk to him. But, I have to agree with the other posters. He's asked you to keep your distance for now, and you need to respect that. You won't get the answers you want from him. Anything that needs answering right now needs to come from you, not him. Months or years from now, when this is all behind you, you'll be glad that you let it be. I know that sounds a little condescending, and I do not mean it that way at all. But I think back to when I was single/dating, and had a couple of confusing breakups. There wasn't a single time where going to someone who was trying to keep their distance from me did anything but make me feel a thousand times worse.
TaraMaiden Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Tara- I disagree- although yes, the situations are different, the need for closure is the same-if she feels like she needs to tell him how she feels so she can move forward, I think she should-provided that its just that, for her to have her say and nothing more-now if its to open the door again or if she is not prepared to have her feelings smashed, then no-its not a good idea- I am just a firm believer in getting it all out-saying it like it is, moving on and being a better, healthier person- yes, during our reconciliation I have said things that my husband did not want to hear, things that temporarily set up back, but I knew that if I kept it bottled up it would eventually come spilling out in an even worse way-when I speak to my husband about how I feel I am fully ready for what ever comes next-be it a fight, a hug or just silence-thats the key-you have be be ready for the outcome of your actions and words-JMO Even though her ex-lover has categorically asked her to keep her distance?
rumbleseat Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 If you have any feelings for him and want what's best for him,you will respect his wishes and leave you alone. If you can't do that, then it zero to do with him and everything to do with you and your feelings.
sweet_pea Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 He asked you to give him space. Respect it. 2
twosadthings Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 What I find remarkable is the "for now" concept. If you recover your relationship with your husband or even if you divorce and start a new connection to another does he expect you'll be available to him in the future? What would be even more concerning, if I were really concerned, is that you seem to have accepted this proposal. In the state you are in you are worthless as a marriage partner, a person ready for a future relationship or ultimately someone who can be counted on to deal with any matter for themselves. Just sayin', Twosadthings
bestplayer Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I know I'll probably be crucified for asking (as I have been in the past) but I just would like some opinions... Ex-AP has asked me to leave him be for now but the problem is that we work together and everyday I have to see him or deal with him, it reminds me of how much I still feel for him. We've had some basic work conversations but not spoken about us and our respective D-Days. My BH and I are about to undertake IC as we are considering a trial separation to see if we really want to be together. This isn't a direct result of the affair, more addressing the reasons that led me to have an affair in the first place. Even though ex-AP has been polite and asked me to understand that he needs me to leave him alone for now, I still feel that I need to tell him how I feel - that I miss him and to find out if he is reconciling his own marriage. I'm so confused over it all. My rational head says to respect his request to be left alone - if he had anything to tell me, he would. But my heart says that I won't be able to move on until I feel I have been completely honest with him and myself (even if it brings me more heartache with his rejection). What should I do? Do I ask him if he would be willing to talk to me - he doesn't even have to talk, just listen... Has anyone else felt like this or been through this torment? Ok I rarely post here but this , I can't help writing this . You seriously dont need IC or sepration , You badly need D from your H & you H need it much worse than you need . You have every intention to be with OM despite his , his wife & your H 's request to leave him .
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Even though ex-AP has been polite and asked me to understand that he needs me to leave him alone for now, I still feel that I need to tell him how I feel - that I miss him and to find out if he is reconciling his own marriage. Your exAP has asked you nicely to respect his wishes - So, do that. Vent what you want to say to him here, but do not tell him. If you truly care about him, leave him alone and respect what he has asked you to do. It's none of your business to find out what he is doing about his marriage. Focus on your own marriage. Sorry that this reads harshly but no good can come of this if you 'talk' to him about how you feel. Right now he doesn't want to talk or hear about anything that you're thinking or feeling which is why he wants space. Give that to him. 2
Snipercatt Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 " . . . he asked me to leave him alone . . ." If you were a male and posted that you wanted to disrespect your female ex-AP we would be all over you accusing you of stalking, etc. You want to tell him how you feel? So, what? Deal with your feelings by yourself - he's been polite until now, don't invite a human resources write up, or worse!
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I want to say that I want to stay with my H, but unless I can get over ex-AP, I don't think we stand a chance... I need to be honest with everyone in this situation and I realise all the choices aren't my own to make... Ex-AP may not feel the same as me (probably doesn't from his actions, as has been said); H may not want to stay with me anyway because he knows I have feelings for someone else; and me, well I don't know what I want! I guess if I'm totally honest I was in the A as an exit strategy, but ex-AP was in for attention and affection... I guess that's not changed for him... If he had had an epiphany and realised he loved me too, he would have said so by now... You can be honest by showing this in your actions. Focusing on your marriage and staying in NC mode with your exMM. Your exMM want to be left alone to deal with this is in own way and wants to reconnect with his wife. If you separate and divorce, then so be it but you do not have to involve your exMM in this.
littlemermaid Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I so completely understand the urge to talk to him. But, I have to agree with the other posters. He's asked you to keep your distance for now, and you need to respect that. You won't get the answers you want from him. Anything that needs answering right now needs to come from you, not him. Months or years from now, when this is all behind you, you'll be glad that you let it be. I know that sounds a little condescending, and I do not mean it that way at all. But I think back to when I was single/dating, and had a couple of confusing breakups. There wasn't a single time where going to someone who was trying to keep their distance from me did anything but make me feel a thousand times worse. This times a zillion. He has nothing to say to you about it right now. The best thing you can do is to respect his wishes. I KNOW how hard it is. Every day I struggle with should I go back over to my AP's house, just to "check" on him, just to see how he's doing, to "show" him that we can remain friends without crossing the line again. But as much as I know he would let me in, and we probably would end up crossing the line again (and as much as that is what I want!), I have to hold myself in higher regard than that, my self respect. He told me it was best if I don't come back. He told me to help him be good, he told me he is terrified of losing his family. I love this man and I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I don't want him to be hurting, or agonizing, or regretful. So I respect his wishes and leave him alone. If he comes back to me, then that's another story, but right now, I have to respect what he wants. And so do you. No good can come from talking to him. None. 2
chelsea2011 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 If someone asks you to leave them alone you leave them alone. You should instead look at your impulse to make him "hear" you especially since he made his position clear. You cannot change how a person feels if they have already checked out of the situation. Continuing to pursue the issue constitutes harrassment. There is nothing worse than constantly being bothered by a situation a person feels causes unecessary drama in their life. Leave him be. If he changes his mind he will seek you out. 3
peaksandvalleys Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I know I'll probably be crucified for asking (as I have been in the past) but I just would like some opinions... Ex-AP has asked me to leave him be for now but the problem is that we work together and everyday I have to see him or deal with him, it reminds me of how much I still feel for him. We've had some basic work conversations but not spoken about us and our respective D-Days. My BH and I are about to undertake IC as we are considering a trial separation to see if we really want to be together. This isn't a direct result of the affair, more addressing the reasons that led me to have an affair in the first place. Even though ex-AP has been polite and asked me to understand that he needs me to leave him alone for now, I still feel that I need to tell him how I feel - that I miss him and to find out if he is reconciling his own marriage. I'm so confused over it all. My rational head says to respect his request to be left alone - if he had anything to tell me, he would. But my heart says that I won't be able to move on until I feel I have been completely honest with him and myself (even if it brings me more heartache with his rejection). What should I do? Do I ask him if he would be willing to talk to me - he doesn't even have to talk, just listen... Has anyone else felt like this or been through this torment? If you are trying to blow your chance with your husband why not just tell him you are not interested in reconciliation? Why put him through the pain of believing he is working towards a healthy relationship with you? You aren't in it. You are still in your affair and that is certainly more important to you right now.
anne1707 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 You are considering doing something that I tried to do soon after day. When my husband found out, it was like another day. I had betrayed him by trying to get "closure". "Closure" is just an excuse to not let go. You are hanging on to the OM when he has made it clear that he is not interested. The thing that concerns me is that I am not sure which is the back-up plan to you. Your husband or the OM. Continue down this path and you will end up with neither of them. 3
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