Tayla Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 About 9 days ago, devasting news hit close to home. My endearing Friend ( who is like a sister), lost her son. He was 27 years young. We shared many holidays together and I recall how her son was close to her, he was her youngest... This sorrow has penetrated her life to such a level that she has closed herself off. She is an 8 hour drive or a 3 hour flight, and I even told her I would be there for her. It breaks my heart to hear how broken she is on the phone..and more so when I read some of her Hommage to her son. Its down right gut wrenching.... I've been thru devasting grief..I understand the process...Yet no where in our friendship did either of us ever shut the other out...except for now...now she won't respond...not accept my calls...Her husband is there for her...yet that to shall be tested as they go thru this change....She told me NOT to come to the family wake....Which I respected...I knew she only wanted family there... What can I do or not do thru this saddening time....I feel like I am losing her as she sinks into this shell of a being....I love her like a sister and hate to see her go thru this....Any advice?
WordvAction Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 About 9 days ago, devasting news hit close to home. My endearing Friend ( who is like a sister), lost her son. He was 27 years young. We shared many holidays together and I recall how her son was close to her, he was her youngest... This sorrow has penetrated her life to such a level that she has closed herself off. She is an 8 hour drive or a 3 hour flight, and I even told her I would be there for her. It breaks my heart to hear how broken she is on the phone..and more so when I read some of her Hommage to her son. Its down right gut wrenching.... I've been thru devasting grief..I understand the process...Yet no where in our friendship did either of us ever shut the other out...except for now...now she won't respond...not accept my calls...Her husband is there for her...yet that to shall be tested as they go thru this change....She told me NOT to come to the family wake....Which I respected...I knew she only wanted family there... What can I do or not do thru this saddening time....I feel like I am losing her as she sinks into this shell of a being....I love her like a sister and hate to see her go thru this....Any advice? You got to let her go and do her own thing as she goes through this grieving process. Just keep reminding her that you'll always be there for her, and make sure you are there for her when the time comes. Sorry about her loss. It's horrible that things like that happen. All the best.
writergal Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 When I lost my father to cancer, I had a well-meaning, close friend constantly calling me to see if I needed anything. It really annoyed me because I felt stifled by her need to jump in and be helpful. I also felt like she was making my father's death about her, because she completely ignored my need for personal space. I knew she was a good person, but it ruined our friendship because she didn't stop to think about me and what my needs were. She only wanted to be helpful to make herself feel good. If she'd just given me space to let me process and grieve in my own way we'd still be friends. People grieve differently. Maybe your friend just needs some mental/emotional space right now so she can process the loss of her son. I'm not sure why she'd tell you not to come to her son's wake though, as that seems off. I wouldn't keep reminding your friend that you're there for her. I'd just send her a nice card with flowers or drop off some food and use that as the opportunity to remind your friend that when she's ready, you'll be there for her. Then go on with your life and when your friend is ready to receive your emotional support, you'll be ready for her. We can't control when/if people will take on our emotional support in times like this when a loved one dies. All we can do is offer our support and let that person choose to take it, or not take it and not take their decision personally.
Author Tayla Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 Thank you for the replies. calling her once a week seems to be a gentle way. No I do not "impose" nor am I looking for a badge to hang high, I care about my freind and the concern is real. She is like a sister and its common to want to carry a burden for a friend who has lost someone so dear.
almond Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 It has only been nine days - don't freak out and feel like she's shutting you out...it's still very fresh. She'll be reeling from the shock, and probably not ready to talk to anyone. It's normal. Instead of calling, perhaps send her a text just letting her know that you're there, understand that she may need space to try and process this, and will give her a call in a week to check in. Tell her to call earlier, day or night, if she wishes to talk etc. I am sorry for your loss, and I hope that the family and friends pull up okay in time. Look after yourself <3
writergal Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Thank you for the replies. calling her once a week seems to be a gentle way. No I do not "impose" nor am I looking for a badge to hang high, I care about my freind and the concern is real. She is like a sister and its common to want to carry a burden for a friend who has lost someone so dear. Believe me I know where you're coming from. The best thing you can do is to give your friend some space. 9 days after her son died and she's probably still in the shock stage of her grief. I like your idea of calling her once a week to check in since there's that 8 hour drive distance between you two. I hope you didn't take my anecdote about my friend personally. I just pulled an example of a friend I had who I'd known for more than 15 years, who went overboard with her support. I wasn't implying that you would do the same. I'm sorry if you read my post that way. Your friend is lucky to have you in her life.
Recommended Posts