shvrk Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I have been talking to this guy for a good amount of time, and we really have hit it off. We have a dope connection and just enjoy each other and make each other happy. He, however wants to move very slowly. I am 19 and he is 26, but he wants to be with me and only me, that if it doesn't work out between us he won't date anyone else because he needs to focus on his life goals, and putting his energy towards something huge. He tells me that he wants to spend his life with me, that I am his favorite person on the planet, and I even ask him if he is serious and not kidding about that (I have had men tell me that they want the world with me and then disappear after) but he says yes he is very serious. There are times when we would sext and send each other photos, but he says that he wants to take sexual things very slowly though. He told me that he wants to wait until he is ready to have kids (5-10 years) to have sex with me. I do have somewhat of a problem, I want to wait but only having sex to make a baby seems so... unrealistic to me at this point. He says that focusing his energy on something more creative is more important... Everything else about us is so on point and perfect, but that kind of makes me worry. Am I being immature? Is this something I can try to work through? Is intimacy that important in a relationship?
somedude81 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Can you imagine going without sex for the next five years? I sure as hell can't. 2
Els Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Have you met him? It sounds like you have only talked on the phone and sent photos? IMO, have a first meet before you have all the big conversations. For all you know you wouldn't hit it off in person or he turns out to be a flake/fake, and there wouldn't be any point in mulling over all of this. Don't want to be a wet blanket, but it's generally a good idea to put the horse before the cart. That being said, there is a big spectrum between sex and PIV intercourse, for some. If he is very concerned about pregnancy, then refraining from PIV intercourse would make sense (though it is perfectly understandable and justifiable if you don't want to accept that). If he wants to 'focus on art' and has zero sexual interest entirely, that would be a completely different thing. 1
Author shvrk Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 Can you imagine going without sex for the next five years? I sure as hell can't. Me neither. You think it could cause some serious problems or do you think I can adapt? Better yet, do you think I am too young to even be considering something like that?
Allumere Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 If that is not something that works for you then you need to tell him. If he stands by his position then this relationship will not work for you. Its not uncommon for people to wait to have sex til marriage whether based on faith or personal choice but his position is certainly more of an extreme. I can understand if birth control of any form is forbidden, as then there would be the chance of getting pregnant hence the "only for having kids" but that is the only example I can think of..
Author shvrk Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 Have you met him? It sounds like you have only talked on the phone and sent photos? We have met once, hard to do it often bc of our current situation
Author shvrk Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 If that is not something that works for you then you need to tell him. If he stands by his position then this relationship will not work for you. Its not uncommon for people to wait to have sex til marriage whether based on faith or personal choice but his position is certainly more of an extreme. I can understand if birth control of any form is forbidden, as then there would be the chance of getting pregnant hence the "only for having kids" but that is the only example I can think of.. He has these very high goals he wants to reach before he would consider having sex, bc it would be a distraction, I assume
somedude81 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Me neither. You think it could cause some serious problems or do you think I can adapt? Better yet, do you think I am too young to even be considering something like that? If you enjoy sex, it can cause some serious problems. Imagine cuddling with him, getting horny and wanting to take things to the bedroom, and he shuts you down. How would you feel?
Els Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 We have met once, hard to do it often bc of our current situation Ah, okay. I dunno, this 'relationship' seems to have too many negatives, in my view. Are there any positives to it?
Author shvrk Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 If you enjoy sex, it can cause some serious problems. Imagine cuddling with him, getting horny and wanting to take things to the bedroom, and he shuts you down. How would you feel? You're right. I just feel petty for feeling like sex is important... I mean it is, at least to me, and my last relationship almost was flawed bc of it
Author shvrk Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 Ah, okay. I dunno, this 'relationship' seems to have too many negatives, in my view. Are there any positives to it? How happy I feel w him, definitely. I feel as if he could definitely care for me and he does. He's very intense often and seems mad promising, but I just entered his life at a tough time, he tells me, and that if I just wait for him while he gets his **** together... etc etc... As I type it out it sounds so ridiculous
somedude81 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 You're right. I just feel petty for feeling like sex is important... I mean it is, at least to me, and my last relationship almost was flawed bc of it If you feel petty for feeling that sex is important to you, then that is something that only you can deal with. Just know that having a sexdrive is perfectly natural. Humans are also one of the few animals on Earth that have sex for pleasure. Frankly, it seems that this guy is going against human nature.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 You're right. I just feel petty for feeling like sex is important... I mean it is, at least to me, and my last relationship almost was flawed bc of it Is he a snappy dresser who loves broadway musicals? 4
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 None of it makes sense unless its a deep religious hang up. You can have tons of sex and not make babies. I know plenty of ambitious and successful people and guess what? They probably have more sex then your average person. Creative goals don't jive with sex? That's one of the craziest things I've ever read. He might want to take a look at some biographies of some of the greatest artists of all time. My guess is he has issues with his dipstick. Or maybe hes confused about his sexual orientation. So my advice is invest in a rabbit and get comfortable with that being your sex life. Or just go find a guy that is functional and sane. 1
Author shvrk Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 None of it makes sense unless its a deep religious hang up. You can have tons of sex and not make babies. I know plenty of ambitious and successful people and guess what? They probably have more sex then your average person. Creative goals don't jive with sex? That's one of the craziest things I've ever read. He might want to take a look at some biographies of some of the greatest artists of all time. My guess is he has issues with his dipstick. Or maybe hes confused about his sexual orientation. So my advice is invest in a rabbit and get comfortable with that being your sex life. Or just go find a guy that is functional and sane. It's about connecting to his divine self. I don't know, I don't really understand that, but he says that it is more important.
Author shvrk Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 Is he a snappy dresser who loves broadway musicals? Lol, quite the opposite... Some days he really wants to ****, others he just like I don't want to until I change the world
Author shvrk Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 Frankly, it seems that this guy is going against human nature. He feels above it
ascendotum Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 We have met once, hard to do it often bc of our current situation Oh boy. This relationship needs to be re-evaluated when you actually spend some time with him. Like you said about guys in the past promising you the world and then it all fizzles out. Treat this guy the same, considering you have not spent hardly ant time together in person. You might be his dream girl online, but in the tone of your post he doesn't exactly have you all gaga (which is good). Keep him as a friend/prospective bf but I think you will be better off scouting around for other local guys in the meantime while he works on his high goals. 5-10 yrs without sex would be a deal breaker for most women I'd imagine. Its not like you are in your 60s, but the prime of your life. Forget it. This guy has to have very low libido to want to even consider that, so I doubt the sex tap is going to be gushing big time from then on. He likely seems so great to you, because you are so young and just have not got out and about so much to realize there are lots of guys who you will get on well with and get you excited. If you have great sex, you will not ask "Is intimacy that important"
Author shvrk Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 Oh boy. This relationship needs to be re-evaluated when you actually spend some time with him. Like you said about guys in the past promising you the world and then it all fizzles out. Treat this guy the same, considering you have not spent hardly ant time together in person. You might be his dream girl online, but in the tone of your post he doesn't exactly have you all gaga (which is good). Keep him as a friend/prospective bf but I think you will be better off scouting around for other local guys in the meantime while he works on his high goals. 5-10 yrs without sex would be a deal breaker for most women I'd imagine. Its not like you are in your 60s, but the prime of your life. Forget it. This guy has to have very low libido to want to even consider that, so I doubt the sex tap is going to be gushing big time from then on. He likely seems so great to you, because you are so young and just have not got out and about so much to realize there are lots of guys who you will get on well with and get you excited. If you have great sex, you will not ask "Is intimacy that important" I mean I do really like him, but this is just a topic that brings me down...
Author shvrk Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 Dump his controlling ass. Could you tell me how this is controlling?
Author shvrk Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 He demands waiting 5 to 10 years for sex. are you kidding? that isn't normal. sex just for kids. unless you're into that no thank you. I'm far from it, I would have sex 3 times a day if I could. I've been wanting a family, and not to just be someone's baby mama etc... and it just seemed worth it, but then again, I don't know
DL2mer Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 You might want to find out if this guy had/has a substance abuse problem. I've kinda heard this before.
TB Rhine Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 He told me that he wants to wait until he is ready to have kids (5-10 years) to have sex with me. He's gay. Next question? 1
salparadise Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 It's about connecting to his divine self.I would have sex 3 times a day if I could. 25 years old and wants to wait 5-10 years to have sex so he can connect to his divine self? Just the notion of his divine self would have most people looking for the exit. And you're a 3 times a day kind of gal... Something is not right about this guy... they say there's a lid for every pot but I think yours is going to boil over while he's contemplating his navel. Refer him to RedRobin and find yourself a guy who is insatiable. 1
emva07 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 (edited) The last questions are questions that only you can answer. Wanting what you want is not immature/petty, just like he has the right to want someone that waits 5 years, you have the right to be with someone who goes at your pace. Why should his wants overpower your wants? I think for most people 5 years is too long of a wait and THAT sounds ridiculous. Even back in the day that was ridiculous, hence girls getting hitched so young. I would say waiting is not wise....you are sacrificing what you want for 5 YEARS for something that in the end you don't know how it will end. Hypothetical: What if he is gay/impotent/sterile or what have you....you wait 5 years, he comes out of the closet and the wait was in vain. Another possibility....he changes his mind about being with you. That **** does happen. 20-25 are wonderful years, live your life and enjoy them. Don't try to hide what comes natural to you. I just don't see why you have to sacrifice. Edited February 18, 2014 by emva07
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