Does it get easier?

[changedlife]

Day 1 of NC has been brutal. I've picked up my phone a dozen times to text her and wrote more in an email that I haven't sent. I've also had mini panic attacks from her not being in my life. There have been times were I felt I was going to throw up or couldn't breath.

 

Will each day get slightly easier ? Does it get harder before it gets better? Does the feelings come in waves?

 

I'm dealing with some other issues in counseling that have given me other nightmares besides just the relationship ones. This entire year I was trying to work on our relationship with her and I felt a lot of different emotions during that time.

 

It's hard dealing with all this stuff at once and I just feel alone.

 

I hope it gets better. I hope I come out if this stronger.

 

I feel like I've just lost myself.

[Under The Radar]

Yes, it WILL get better and the emotions DO come in waves.

 

However, being that you are only one day into NC, it WILL get worse before it gets better .

 

The key, though it will be extremely difficult in the beginning, is to remain in hardcore NC.

 

That is the path towards healing.

[brokenheart12345]

Hi,

 

I can tell you for sure that the pain is immense, it's sharp some days, it's dull some days, it lasts for hours on end one day, and it lasts a 2-minute sobbing session the next day. You need to be strict to yourself and repeat to yourself, "Snap out of it". If you don't believe that you are a strong, independent person, then use the fact that you were dumped as motivation to kick some serious ass now. Some days you will fail at your goal because you are still being consumed by negative emotions but just surround yourself with good friends and family and always tell yourself to kick ass.

[changedlife]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I was married in my last relationship and it hurt when my ex-wife left. But it was nothing like this. I thought this girl was way better than my ex-wife and that she was "the one". However.... I Made a lot of horrible decisions in the relationship and hurt her quite a bit. I'm working through forgiving myself for hurting her.

It's several things I'm working through and the relationship ending is just thrown on top of it all.

 

Hopefully my counselor can help with the guilt and shame I'm dealing with

 

I took anti-depressants for a while before but stopped due to sexual side effects. I started again today. I won't be having sex so it's an easy decision, and hopefully it will curb the anxiety/ bad moments.

 

Thank you all for your replies. It's nice having this forum as a place to talk to people going through it.

[Stranger516]

As hard as it is for you to believe right now, it WILL get better. I PROMISE you this. It just takes some time.

[sportzhl24]

Dude you are only day 1 NC. Intense feelings are inevitable at this early stage in recovery. It does get easier, like everybody on here will say, but it takes time and effort. It might sound weird but you have to truly want to get over her in order to move on. I can remember for the longest time I didn't want to get over her because I wanted to keep my feelings intact. I wanted to continue to feel that love for her forever because she meant so much to me. But one day I realized that the RS was over, and had been over for months, and that it was up to me to make myself into a better man and move on. You'll be fine man, everybody always is. Take it one day at a time and make each day better than the last. Best

[changedlife]

Dude you are only day 1 NC. Intense feelings are inevitable at this early stage in recovery. It does get easier, like everybody on here will say, but it takes time and effort. It might sound weird but you have to truly want to get over her in order to move on. I can remember for the longest time I didn't want to get over her because I wanted to keep my feelings intact. I wanted to continue to feel that love for her forever because she meant so much to me. But one day I realized that the RS was over, and had been over for months, and that it was up to me to make myself into a better man and move on. You'll be fine man, everybody always is. Take it one day at a time and make each day better than the last. Best

 

Yeah. I guess I just wasn't expecting it. I know I probably should have been preparing myself for it more. But I guess I was just assuming that she wanted it to work as much as I did and neither us were going to give up until we made it. I can't blame her, because I know now she was going through intense pain too.

 

It's hard letting go of that last bit of hope for a recovery. I guess if you don't though it can break you.

 

I guess nobody really expects it and can prepare their hearts for it.

 

Unfortuatnely for me. I was an ass to her for a while for about a year ago. I treated her badly. This past year I treated her differently while we were trying to recover... but coping with the guilt and shame I have over hurting her and forcing her out of the relationship is tough.

 

I wish she could see me as not the same person, and somebody who is continuing to work to be better through therapy........but.....it was just too much for her.

 

I hope my guilt goes away soon. I have to learn from this and be stronger and not fall down this path again.

Edited February 18, 2014 by changedlife

[lvroflife]

Repeat affirmations to yourself:

 

"I am human, I make mistakes, Iforgive myself, and I will be ok"

 

"I am letting go"

 

"I am a happy person"

 

"I love myself"

 

you can make up your own too, but say them and while saying them SMILE. It will help. I am in week 2 of no contact and just last night I had a bad meltdown. Cried for 45 minutes. The day before I was good the whole day so as the above post state they "come in waves".

[picnicinthepark]

It does get easier. I'm coming up to 5 weeks post BU and 2 weeks NC. Hang in there!

[flightplan]

Consider the alternative. If you contact her.. she either ignores you or you find out she's dating someone else, or tells you to quit contacting her and move on. None of which is what you want to hear and all of which prolongs your pain. The point being, you cannot expect emotional relief from the source of your pain. As others have said... the only path out of the pain, is hardcore NC.

[TheyCallMeOx]

Everything largely depends on your perspectives. At some point, things will get better...but the amount of time it takes you to start getting better mostly largely depends on you. The way you think about certain things can dramatically impair the recovery process, so it's always good to prepare yourself for the next stage in your recovery. At this point, the only person holding you back is yourself.

 

The first thing you need to do is accept NC as your friend -- however you want to do that is up to you, but you have to find a reason to explain why NC is never a good idea. What worked for me was when I realized that there was no benefit to me trying to contact her. If my ex-girlfriend wanted me back, she'd call me up or something. Essentially, I'm wasting my time trying to contact her -- not only that, but I would've looked like a desperate fool. When she broke up with me, she saw me cry the hardest I've ever cried in my life, made me feel broken, and I'm not going to go through that pain again. There is no benefit to NC.

 

Once I realized that, the desire to contact went away. It got easier for me because I realized certain things, but if you make the mistake of believing that contacting her would increase your chances of getting back in her life or something like that...it's giving you hope in all the wrong places. Don't choose to prolong your recovery -- it'll happen as quick as you want it to, but things don't just get better on their own. Make the right choices, think about things in the right perspective, and you'll get to good point in your recovery before you even realize.

 

As for the feelings, it fluctuates. Even after 5-6 months and 4 or so months of NC, I still have feelings. It's to be expected when you once loved someone that much. However, realize that they're just feelings. No feeling is permanent. This too shall pass.

[changedlife]

Everything largely depends on your perspectives. At some point, things will get better...but the amount of time it takes you to start getting better mostly largely depends on you. The way you think about certain things can dramatically impair the recovery process, so it's always good to prepare yourself for the next stage in your recovery. At this point, the only person holding you back is yourself.

 

The first thing you need to do is accept NC as your friend -- however you want to do that is up to you, but you have to find a reason to explain why NC is never a good idea. What worked for me was when I realized that there was no benefit to me trying to contact her. If my ex-girlfriend wanted me back, she'd call me up or something. Essentially, I'm wasting my time trying to contact her -- not only that, but I would've looked like a desperate fool. When she broke up with me, she saw me cry the hardest I've ever cried in my life, made me feel broken, and I'm not going to go through that pain again. There is no benefit to NC.

 

Once I realized that, the desire to contact went away. It got easier for me because I realized certain things, but if you make the mistake of believing that contacting her would increase your chances of getting back in her life or something like that...it's giving you hope in all the wrong places. Don't choose to prolong your recovery -- it'll happen as quick as you want it to, but things don't just get better on their own. Make the right choices, think about things in the right perspective, and you'll get to good point in your recovery before you even realize.

 

As for the feelings, it fluctuates. Even after 5-6 months and 4 or so months of NC, I still have feelings. It's to be expected when you once loved someone that much. However, realize that they're just feelings. No feeling is permanent. This too shall pass.

 

Thank you for writing this. Today is actually harder than yesterday. As far as I know she isn't in a relationship with anybody. She told me that she would tell me when she started dating again and I believe her. I guess our situation is a little different than normal breakups since we tried to recover after I confessed to cheating. She slowly became more independent and pulled out of the relationship and I slowly gave more until I was all in. (That is how I feel anyway). I know she tried hard to make it work and I think in the end it was too much for her. I wasn't perfect in the recovery but I made progress and I was definitely faithful after we started dating again since my confession and I was very loving and caring. It took a while for me to realize the full magnitude and pain this all caused her though. Actually it took her walking away for me to see it fully.

 

I'm sure I have all the normal questions going on in my head. i.e. Will she be able to heal and contact me back? Was she the one? How long will I be alone before I meet somebody like her (if I ever do). Did I blow my chances for happiness with somebody..... Can I be happy alone?

 

I woke up today around 4am, wrote on the forums a little bit and wrote a very long email to her (I haven't sent it yet). I know she has some questions about certain things and I feel that she doesn't really understand all of it. I really want to send it. She posts on another site...though she has stopped recently I think (she doesn't know I am on here and she probably stopped because she knew I could read her posts and didn't want there to be some contact.) I guess she is trying to do NC for both me and her. She cares about me and she wants me to heal... she just doesn't think she can be with me right now.... or ever marry me.

 

I have to learn to accept her decision. I have to learn to accept the penalty for my mistakes and understand that people won't always be able to forgive you, and even if they do they don't have to stay with you.

 

It's just hard knowing that I was the reason and that I have done this to myself.

 

I sabotaged my own happiness.

 

I look at NC and I'm afraid of it. It gives me anxiety. It has put me in literal panic attacks, it has made me not be able to sleep.

 

I know my email wouldn't change her mind, that only she can do that herself. Maybe I shouldn't send it. I don't know. I just want her to know what is really on my heart whether she believes it right now or not.

 

It's hard to reason with somebodys heart.

 

God Help ME.

 

Thank you again for giving me a little courage today.

[reddragon588]

Yes it gets easier, you just need to keep the patience. A broke. Heart is like any other injury. If you broke your leg, would you be wondering one day after it happened why you weren't up walking already? Remember it's a process, and you'll get through this. It might not seem like it now, but trust me on this.

[Driftking102]

Day 1 of NC has been brutal. I've picked up my phone a dozen times to text her and wrote more in an email that I haven't sent. I've also had mini panic attacks from her not being in my life. There have been times were I felt I was going to throw up or couldn't breath.

 

Will each day get slightly easier ? Does it get harder before it gets better? Does the feelings come in waves?

 

I'm dealing with some other issues in counseling that have given me other nightmares besides just the relationship ones. This entire year I was trying to work on our relationship with her and I felt a lot of different emotions during that time.

 

It's hard dealing with all this stuff at once and I just feel alone.

 

I hope it gets better. I hope I come out if this stronger.

 

I feel like I've just lost myself.

 

Day 1 which was yesterday for me was not as bad as today. I broke up with my girlfriend because she was controlling me and it got to the point where I did not have a life anymore. Day 2 has been miserable. I have not eaten since 10 yesterday (day 1). I can't do homework, i can't stop looking at my phone.

 

I was at a friends house drunk last night trying to make sure i didn't text her. I texted her saying that I wouldnt stray again. No response. Deleted the text. My friends and I watched chuck and they tried to get my mind off it.

 

She was my whole life. Sex was amazing when we had it and she told me it was a very bad thing to say no in any situation to her. I always said yes.

 

For you and me both i hope it gets better.

[HeartinPain]

It does get better, but it takes time. I was a doubter too. There is no way around the pain. You really do have to go through it. The pain comes in waves and at days it is hard NOT to think about them.

 

I recently lost my first love after 15 years together. It was a pain I have never felt before. Especially the betrayal of being left for someone else. I went 1 month NC and it was the most difficult time I have ever had. I even went on a date with a friend who I knew had a crush on me for a really long time. Of course the poor guy didn't have a chance since I was still pinning after the ex. I broke NC after 30 days and it was a huge mistake. I was strung along for 1.5 months. I went 3 months NC through the holidays which was incredibly hard and depressing. Family and friends were supportive, but I can tell no one really wanted to be around me.

 

Now that I am at 3 months NC (6 months post BU), I feel sooo much better! I have accepted the breakup and let it go. I did the work and focused on myself. I really took a hard look at myself and why the relationship ended the way I did. I feel renewed now. It really is a process and I am finally slowly dipping my feet back into the scary dating waters.

 

What everyone says is true even though it doesn't seem like it now. It does get better, but it really does depend on what you do for yourself while you heal. It will be a difficult journey, but you will come out on the other side a lot stronger. You must go through it. Going around the pain will just prolong it. You can't put a band-aid on a bullet wound.

Edited February 18, 2014 by HeartinPain

[EuTuBrute]

It does get easier... It been about a year post BU for me. The pain is about 95% gone.

 

Do i sometimes think about her, yeah. But it doesn't matter, there are really so many other people out there.

[lvroflife]

Do not be afraid of NC! NC is EXACTLY what you need!! You need to re-discover YOU! Right now you have no confidence and no self-esteem, and how would that be attractive to anyone? Let alone your ex? YOU NEED to, no HAVE TOO build yourself back up!! YES, YES, YES it is painful and it sucks to go through this! But you discover who you are through the failures of life!!

 

Keep your head up, smile often!

[changedlife]

Thank you everybody for your replies. The encouragement, the stories of people getting through this and actually healing and finding themselves in a better place gives me some hope... even though I don't feel it yet, at least I can see it is possible.

[changedlife]

Its day 3, and now I am back to day 1. I wrote a really long email about my true feelings and really poured my heart into how I felt.

 

In the eyes of her now... it probably looks pathetic and makes me look weak.

 

It was very hard for me to write and I wrote it over the course of a few days. I know she has been hurting for a while over the relationship and I wanted to reach out to show her how I felt.

 

It may not matter to her now, and she may not care... and that breaks my heart but I wanted to help her and reach out to her. All I want is to be compassionate with her.

 

In all my life I've been able to shove down emotions and not think about them and kinda move on quickly. This has just hit me to my core and everything has come out.. and not just relationship stuff either.

 

 

I'm anxious now that I have sent it.. I know she probably won't respond. I even mentioned that in the email... Even if she did respond it would probably be bad.

 

Sometimes situations make it so hard for people to connect and really communicate. Sometimes we get lost in our anger and pain that it makes it hard for us to really connect with one another.

 

I wish sometimes that you could show people your heart and your feelings. Words mean nothing. If she could see how I truly felt or believed the words I was saying she could understand how much I really loved her and felt that.

 

Life is hard sometimes... People hurt other people. We either learn and get stronger or we repeat it over and over.

 

 

God this is tough... I hope I can get through this.

[lvroflife]

OK!!! Calm down and breath!! Clearly you are very emotional right now! And we are all here to lend a hand!!

 

So let's begin:

 

It is ok that you wrote the letter!! What is not ok is that you sent it, and you sent it when you are in an emotional state, not in a place of logical thinking. Now it has been sent so you can't take it back! So now let it go!! Take a breath and know you are human!

 

You do not need to show her your (actual) heart. Your actions in the relationship showed her how you felt. Now with that said ask yourself; do you have some doubt about the way you treated her? Our actions always speak louder than our words. And your actions should surpass your words and in somecases just do the action and not say a word.

 

You clearly love this girl and want to work it out. But remember it takes two to work on a relationship and she has to be willing. You have to give her time to let things cool off, to let what ever grudge she has subside. You have to allow her her grieving period. Just like she too is grieving.

 

It is a tough time and YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!

 

I have your back, bro!! We all have your back!!

[changedlife]

OK!!! Calm down and breath!! Clearly you are very emotional right now! And we are all here to lend a hand!!

 

So let's begin:

 

It is ok that you wrote the letter!! What is not ok is that you sent it, and you sent it when you are in an emotional state, not in a place of logical thinking. Now it has been sent so you can't take it back! So now let it go!! Take a breath and know you are human!

 

You do not need to show her your (actual) heart. Your actions in the relationship showed her how you felt. Now with that said ask yourself; do you have some doubt about the way you treated her? Our actions always speak louder than our words. And your actions should surpass your words and in somecases just do the action and not say a word.

 

You clearly love this girl and want to work it out. But remember it takes two to work on a relationship and she has to be willing. You have to give her time to let things cool off, to let what ever grudge she has subside. You have to allow her her grieving period. Just like she too is grieving.

 

It is a tough time and YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!

 

I have your back, bro!! We all have your back!!

 

 

Thanks buddy. Reading this actually made me cry. I don't know you but I feel like you care and that means a lot to me right now. I really appreciate that more than you can know right at this moment.

 

I have a lot of guilt and shame over how I treated her.. and I'm working with my counselor very hard to get over that guilt. Deep down I want to be a good person and change for the better and I feel like I have done that.

 

I just can't change the past you know? No matter how much I want to.. I Just can't take back that hurt I did.... all I Can do is fight and be strong and make the best of whatever happens in my life. I know this in my head......but feeling it in my heart is hard right now.

 

I really appreciate your reply.

[lvroflife]

Bro to be honest, I am teary eyed right now too! I hate to see people in pain!! I too am going through the loss of the love of my life. I treated her the best she has ever been teated. However she suffers from Emotionally Unavailable. So all the nice sweet things I did made us argue, and actually pushed her away. Made her feel that I will resent her because she doesn't love like I do..

 

Anyway this post is about you, THE KEY IS...you are working to fix yourself, and yes we can not change the past but we can learn from it, and that is what you are doing. She may not see it that way because she is hurt and angry. The good news is the hurt and angrer she feels is temporary just like the pain you feel now!! And in time you will be a better you and she will (whether you know it or not) will forgive you. She may reach out she may not, but the point is you will be forgiven. Now you NEED TO forgive yourself.

 

You said a key phrase: " Deep down I want to be a good person and change for the better" And because you want to be you will be!!

[Gemini x]

Reading this made me start crying because I feel your pain. I'm going through it. I don't really have many words right now, my mind is all over the place at the moment, but know you're not alone. You'll be okay even though it may not feel like it. *big hugs to you*

[changedlife]

Thank you very much to both of you. I have a lot shame and guilt because ultimately the end of the relationship was my fault. I broke up with her last year around this same time and knowing that I put her through this same stuff gives me nightmares. She was so strong, she was so lonely too. I hurt her very badly and it kills me.

 

I hope I can learn to forgive myself somehow.

 

I sabatoged my own happiness because I was so messed up last year.

 

It's been a year and I've changed.... but I just can't change what happened and I can't take away that pain, memories, and scars from her.

 

She truly is amazing...and deserved way better.

 

Thanks guys, reading your words has made me feel somewhat better... May God Help Us ALL

[FailedFirstLove]

Hey I can feel ur pain just reading your post... Same pain as me.. Full of regrets of past actions...

 

I'm right here with you, I break down all the time and wish I could turn back time,. Unfortunately on earth and without a time machine we can't...

 

I wish I could give you answers to what to do to show her, I can't even show mine. And his so angry with me all I can do is support you and hope for the best.. Just come here if you need to talk. Contacting makes things worse. I felt like contacting and quickly came here before i make another irreversible mistake. I think we have more hope with them in the future if we don't add anymore to the fire that's already burning... :(:( hang in there. Most of us are in unbelievable pain.