TealQueen Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been dating nearly 2 years. (By the time I move in, if I do, it will be 2 years) I'm graduating college in May. I'm applying for teaching positions. My boyfriend lives 1 hour away from me. I'm applying in many different counties. He's told me that if I get a job near to him, I am more than welcome to move in with him. I've always wanted to wait to move in until after getting engaged. He's not at that point yet. He's told me I can move in, but to not expect a proposal [yet]. So I really don't know what to do. If I get a job over there, driving 15-20 minutes is obviously way better than driving 45-1 hr 35 minutes (depending what direction). But I don't want to move in with him out of convenience (for driving distance) How can I decide?
HappyLove Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 You know what they say... Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free. 2
BradJacobs Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 How can I decide? My girlfriend and I moved in when I was early 20s. We both agreed that if it worked we would take the next step within a year. And we did. I didn't feel pressured but I wouldn't have taken that step without living with her first.
mammasita Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Find your own place. Don't compromise your boundaries. You move in with him, you'll likely be waiting FOREVER. His sense of urgency flies out the window when you move in without a proposal.
Keenly Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 You know what they say... Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free. Yeah this is what women usually say, but it has nothing to do with the cow, or the milk, or any of that metaphorical nonsense. Whether or not a nan marries you has little to do with getting a place together before you get married. If a man really loves his woman as his counterpart in life, he will marry her, regardless of who lives with whom. If he doesn't love her, he won't. Its really that simple. Tired of the old wives tale of thinking he will magically marry you if you decide not to cohabitate. What happens when a couple gets married FIRST, and then realizes they are fundamentally incompatible when it comes to cohabitation ? Personally, I'd never marry a woman I hadn't lived with for at least a few years.
Els Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 If you personally strongly believe that you want to be engaged before you move in together, then don't move in together. Have the conviction to hold true to your own beliefs. If he decides he isn't fine with that, then the two of you just aren't compatible. You could rent a place of your own near him, no?
Author TealQueen Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 If you personally strongly believe that you want to be engaged before you move in together, then don't move in together. Have the conviction to hold true to your own beliefs. If he decides he isn't fine with that, then the two of you just aren't compatible. You could rent a place of your own near him, no? I could get my own place, yes. But it would take me awhile to do so (a few months) because I'd have to save some money for rent and furniture and whatnot) He's not telling me to move in. He's saying he is at a place where he'd be fine with me moving in. He says it's ok if I'm not there yet, but if I am, the option is there. This is something we've kind of started talking about, mainly because of the job situation. It's just stressful because I want to make the right decision.
Els Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Ah, okay, I see what you mean. Really, I don't think you should move in with him for convenience, given your beliefs. You're just going to create a lot of resentment later. Wait a few months and then get your own place.
Author TealQueen Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 Ah, okay, I see what you mean. Really, I don't think you should move in with him for convenience, given your beliefs. You're just going to create a lot of resentment later. Wait a few months and then get your own place. Yeah. If the situation arises, we can always talk about where we're at I guess, also. Like if a proposal is on its way. But he's one where a a proposal HAS to be 100% a surprise, so I don't know if he'd talk about that with me. And one more thing I forgot to mention, I stay over at his house a few nights a week. He stays at my house a few nights a month. We've gone on vacation together. His job has him working long hours and weird days off sometimes, whereas my job and school hours are set, and I have flexible time where I'm able to go over, so that is why. If that makes any difference. Also, he's been engaged before. And it ended badly a few weeks before the wedding. They got engaged a little short of 2 years dating, and he's said that that is why he is taking his time even more now.
Tayken Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 For those contemplating or otherwise moving in with a spouse....For the love of God.....HAVE AN AGREEMENT IN PLACE TO PROTECT YOURSELF i.e. pre-nup I currently have in draft mode, a 22 page co-habitation agreement for any would be Ms/Mrs Tayken. I do not plan to get married again by the way, been there done that and which I knew things that I know now. I'll never move in with someone...ain't happening It will behoove the person to get independent legal advice (ILA) before they sign it.
Els Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Yeah. If the situation arises, we can always talk about where we're at I guess, also. Like if a proposal is on its way. But he's one where a a proposal HAS to be 100% a surprise, so I don't know if he'd talk about that with me. And one more thing I forgot to mention, I stay over at his house a few nights a week. He stays at my house a few nights a month. We've gone on vacation together. His job has him working long hours and weird days off sometimes, whereas my job and school hours are set, and I have flexible time where I'm able to go over, so that is why. If that makes any difference. Also, he's been engaged before. And it ended badly a few weeks before the wedding. They got engaged a little short of 2 years dating, and he's said that that is why he is taking his time even more now. Staying over at each others' place is very different from living together (ie having both your names on the house or the rental agreement, and having nowhere else to live). I'm actually a proponent of living together prior to marriage, but I also believe it's a very personal decision that everyone should make for themselves.
Author TealQueen Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 Why did he break off the wedding? A few reasons, but he was feeling like she wanted to get married just to get married.
Tayken Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 A few reasons, but he was feeling like she wanted to get married just to get married. That is up there on the red flag list.... I'll also urge men that don't plan to have kids, to have a vasectomy ASAP. It's the best Xmas gift I ever gave myself I don't feel the need to tell any potential partner in my age group (40s) that
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 There are no hard fast rules for everyone. The best advice is to follow your heart and do what is right for YOU. Moving in is not getting the milk for free. Anyone here ever lived with a woman before? LOL He has the milk for free right now. He asked you to move the relationship up one step. You want to skip ahead 3 or 4 and he's not there yet. Sounds to me like hes ready to take the next step. Go with him if you love him. And let the rest unfold naturally. I would suspect a proposal coming within 6 months of moving in.
Tayken Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I would suspect a proposal coming within 6 months of moving in. Or not as the case may be......Marry Me, no thanks
Author TealQueen Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 That is up there on the red flag list.... I'll also urge men that don't plan to have kids, to have a vasectomy ASAP. It's the best Xmas gift I ever gave myself I don't feel the need to tell any potential partner in my age group (40s) that He wants kids...
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