genuinelyloverly7 Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Hello all- I am asking a general question about how to assertively tell people no, let them down gently, or break it off after a while. What are your personal rules of thumb? I'll start with an example- I met a guy and he asked me out to go to a club that night. We did, it was an alright date, at the end of which he made it obvious he only wanted one thing (he didn't get it). But I figured he might be worth another date, so I called him once or twice, and he called me once or twice, but then he didn't call for a week. Now, I'm not that into him- he's sexy and all but too old for me anyway. So I blow the whole thing off. Now he's calling and calling and when I finally answer two weeks later I planned on telling him I wasn't interested. But instead there I was, saying something like "okay, let's talk later after I get back from the store, no problem". I call a few hours later, no answer. He calls me again today and I don't even want to bother, so I don't answer the phone. So my question is- do I owe this guy an explanation, or even a call back? I kind of want to blow him off, but I've never really done that before in dating someone. So what is the socially understood limits of dating etiquette, in this situation? Or any other situations you want to comment on...I want to get a feel for what is understood to be the trends now in this, or how you think it should be. Thanks!
HappyLove Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I say do to others what you'd want done to you. I'd CALL him and say I had a nice time with you but don't think we are a match. Good luck to you. That's it, no long drawn out anything. I think people who text it or just ignore people are cowards. 3
Scales Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Women often give the silent treatment as their form of polite rejection. What you don't realize is that to men it comes across as anything but polite and you look like a huge flake. Protecting your ego from a possible battle caused by direct rejection is nice, but any man worth your time can handle rejection. Men (should) have been rejected a 1000 times by now and its a daily routine. Tell them you aren't interested clearly and if you can mention why. He will respect you if you do. If he flips out and calls you names then it just becomes easy then honestly. Reject the guy or get with him. But don't sit there in limbo not communicating because you're afraid. Hello all- I am asking a general question about how to assertively tell people no, let them down gently, or break it off after a while. What are your personal rules of thumb? I'll start with an example- I met a guy and he asked me out to go to a club that night. We did, it was an alright date, at the end of which he made it obvious he only wanted one thing (he didn't get it). But I figured he might be worth another date, so I called him once or twice, and he called me once or twice, but then he didn't call for a week. Now, I'm not that into him- he's sexy and all but too old for me anyway. So I blow the whole thing off. Now he's calling and calling and when I finally answer two weeks later I planned on telling him I wasn't interested. But instead there I was, saying something like "okay, let's talk later after I get back from the store, no problem". I call a few hours later, no answer. He calls me again today and I don't even want to bother, so I don't answer the phone. So my question is- do I owe this guy an explanation, or even a call back? I kind of want to blow him off, but I've never really done that before in dating someone. So what is the socially understood limits of dating etiquette, in this situation? Or any other situations you want to comment on...I want to get a feel for what is understood to be the trends now in this, or how you think it should be. Thanks! 2
Author genuinelyloverly7 Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 Thanks folks! Your reaffirming my already held beliefs; but it's sometimes hard to remember when your the only one you've met that acts that way. I think OLD perpetuates the silent blow off too... I feel like that is where I started feeling it acceptable; I mean how many times can one write no thanks before someone stops messaging you one word intro lines? What do you think?
HappyLove Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Thanks folks! Your reaffirming my already held beliefs; but it's sometimes hard to remember when your the only one you've met that acts that way. I think OLD perpetuates the silent blow off too... I feel like that is where I started feeling it acceptable; I mean how many times can one write no thanks before someone stops messaging you one word intro lines? What do you think? OLDing has made people bevome VERY rude. People are just ignoring others after dating for months! It's very sad. But I don't think you should stoop to other peoples level. But if someone messaged you and you said no thanks and they keep pestering you then it's ok to block them but if you went on a couple dates with this person that would be very rude. You should let someone you've dated a couple times know that you are not interested so they aren't wondering what ever happened. 1
GoreSP Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I say do to others what you'd want done to you. I'd CALL him and say I had a nice time with you but don't think we are a match. Good luck to you. That's it, no long drawn out anything. I think people who text it or just ignore people are cowards. This! I was recently dumped by text. To make things worse, I had texted him the night before and he responded 12 hours later telling me he had a date and was against dating two people at once. It really sucked.
HappyLove Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 This! I was recently dumped by text. To make things worse, I had texted him the night before and he responded 12 hours later telling me he had a date and was against dating two people at once. It really sucked. Sorry that happened to you. Look on the bright side someone like that you probably wouldn't want to be with anyway. Sounds like they have that grass is greener syndrome and they could of at least picked up the phone like an adult. I have no time for cowards. Your a step closer to meeting the right one!
salparadise Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 If you've been dating someone for awhile then, yes, you owe them an explanation. But if you've only gone out once or twice, then the fade is a non confrontational way to let them go. I know some disagree, but it seems to be acceptable these days. I had this happen with someone I had dated a few months. There were practical difficulties that we both understood and communication had trailed off anyway. Eventually, it was apparent that neither of us were making much effort so it ended due to mutual lack of interest. We did not have a final conversation and I'm just fine with that. If she needed an explanation, she has my number.
GoreSP Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Sorry that happened to you. Look on the bright side someone like that you probably wouldn't want to be with anyway. Sounds like they have that grass is greener syndrome and they could of at least picked up the phone like an adult. I have no time for cowards. Your a step closer to meeting the right one! Oh I know. Still sucked though lol
GoreSP Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 If you've been dating someone for awhile then, yes, you owe them an explanation. But if you've only gone out once or twice, then the fade is a non confrontational way to let them go. I know some disagree, but it seems to be acceptable these days. I had this happen with someone I had dated a few months. There were practical difficulties that we both understood and communication had trailed off anyway. Eventually, it was apparent that neither of us were making much effort so it ended due to mutual lack of interest. We did not have a final conversation and I'm just fine with that. If she needed an explanation, she has my number. Actually the general consensus with the fade out method is that it's really disrespectful. No matter how many dates you've been on. I think the very least someone can do is let the other know 'hey - I don't think this is going to work out' 3
salparadise Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 (edited) Actually the general consensus with the fade out method is that it's really disrespectful. No matter how many dates you've been on. I think the very least someone can do is let the other know 'hey - I don't think this is going to work out' I definitely understand, and a year ago I would have said the same. Having been on a number of initial meetings I'm finding that even though it's usually women who insist that it's disrespectful, they do it all the time. For example, if I text and say hey, I had a nice time and ask some kind of conversational question... and they either don't reply or reply a day later and don't answer the question, that is a fade. If I encourage a woman to call me after I've initiated everything in the beginning, and they don't for whatever reason, I consider that another version of the fade. If I ask her to do something for a certain day and she says, great I think that will work- I'll let you know, and then I don't hear back, or she texts and say sorry, something came up (without proposing an alternative) that's a fade. In other words, if she acts so damn passive that the only way to keep it going is for me to bust my ass to keep her entertained, and she's not putting any effort into reciprocating, then screw it... I think some of it may have to do with expectations some women have about being relentlessly pursued. Other times it's almost certainly their way of saying they're lukewarm on the whole deal. But I have never-ever had a woman tell me after a couple of dates that she's not interested... they just send smoke signals. Pffffft! So are you telling me that I am morally obligated to call them up and say, "due to your apparent lack of enthusiasm, I will no longer be pursuing?" Edited February 20, 2014 by salparadise 1
HappyLove Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 The fade is worse than just not contacting each other. Many times, they went out for months, then he just falls of the face of the Earth! The woman DOES call even asking if he's ok or hurt and the guy continues to ignore. That's the fade and it's mean. 1
GoreSP Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I definitely understand, and a year ago I would have said the same. Having been on a number of initial meetings I'm finding that even though it's usually women who insist that it's disrespectful, they do it all the time. For example, if I text and say hey, I had a nice time and ask some kind of conversational question... and they either don't reply or reply a day later and don't answer the question, that is a fade. If I encourage a woman to call me after I've initiated everything in the beginning, and they don't for whatever reason, I consider that another version of the fade. If I ask her to do something for a certain day and she says, great I think that will work- I'll let you know, and then I don't hear back, or she texts and say sorry, something came up (without proposing an alternative) that's a fade. In other words, if she acts so damn passive that the only way to keep it going is for me to bust my ass to keep her entertained, and she's not putting any effort into reciprocating, then screw it... I think some of it may have to do with expectations some women have about being relentlessly pursued. Other times it's almost certainly their way of saying they're lukewarm on the whole deal. But I have never-ever had a woman tell me after a couple of dates that she's not interested... they just send smoke signals. Pffffft! So are you telling me that I am morally obligated to call them up and say, "due to your apparent lack of enthusiasm, I will no longer be pursuing?" What I'm saying is that the person who decides to 'break off' communication should be the one saying she\he isn't interested. If you try to contact her and you get 'lack of enthusiasm' and 'smokescreens' in response - by all means - don't contact her to say this isn't working out...
czanclus Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I say do to others what you'd want done to you. I'd CALL him and say I had a nice time with you but don't think we are a match. Good luck to you. That's it, no long drawn out anything. I think people who text it or just ignore people are cowards. While I'm personally from the 'call is better than text' school, I also think that texting something like 'sorry no longer interested' [punctuation and capitalization purposely omitted] or ignoring is perfectly appropriate when people in question are decidedly shallow and sloppy in etiquette themselves. The guy who is only after 'one thing' and is sporadic in his communication throughout deserves random cut-offs and sporadic communication himself. Your call would be only to confirm (and mostly only to yourself) that you have class and courtesy to dignify his player behavior with a polite request for him to get the f out of your life and sell his bs to someone else. The guy isn't worth this thread if you ask me.
GoreSP Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 While I'm personally from the 'call is better than text' school, I also think that texting something like 'sorry no longer interested' [punctuation and capitalization purposely omitted] or ignoring is perfectly appropriate when people in question are decidedly shallow and sloppy in etiquette themselves. The guy who is only after 'one thing' and is sporadic in his communication throughout deserves random cut-offs and sporadic communication himself. Your call would be only to confirm (and mostly only to yourself) that you have class and courtesy to dignify his player behavior with a polite request for him to get the f out of your life and sell his bs to someone else. The guy isn't worth this thread if you ask me. I agree. The person who is the 'victim' of the fade out shouldn't have to call or text or whatever. But I think the person who decides 'ok this isn't going to work out' should at least let the other person know. But keep in mind that some people need closure and this is their way of getting it.
czanclus Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Well, this particular situation is different in the sense that the woman seems to have her head screwed on right insofar as dating etiquette goes, while the guy treats the (prospect of the) relationship with her as a last priority option to pass the time. So while she might be the victim of his fading out, she's really on the 'how do I lose this jackass and not seem rude doing it' side of the fence. No one in this situation is in need of any sort of real closure. The woman just wants to put this nonsense behind officially behind. In cases where a person is genuinely and deeply hurt by another person no longer seeing value in the relationship, I definitely support a one-on-one dialogue of reasonable length about what went wrong and why there is no way to fix it anymore. Or if the relationship never even happened, and a person is in love with someone who doesn't love them back, it would be a great gesture but not an expected one if the rejector could give a few encouraging words to the person they rejected without sounding too patronizing. It sucks that some people are so shallow and self-involved that they don't even notice when they've hurt someone who had bigger dreams for the relationship, but I think at the end of the day, it's them who live the saddest lives in which nothing has value and acquiring new validation is the only game in town.
BOREDouttaMymind Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 as a guy, let me put it simply.. "you never owe a guy anything. the #1 trick guys use is to try to make girls feel like they owe them something. youre too smart for that. so... stop worrying, ditch the dude, and go eat some icecream or something."
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