John83 Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 (edited) Just the other day i had a thead about finding out from my kids the ex (bu jan 7th) had a new bloke in her life. Was hit with a massive shock tonite when she asked me to try again saying she had made a big mistake. But i dont know if i can get over that she has tried to move on with someone else, she swears it was only 2 weeks ago despite me believing it was carrying on behind my back, dont know what to believe on that front. Normally for me this would be a case of telling her where to go but with the kids it makes me think otherwise, i do have feelings for her but feel sick to the pit of my stomach atthe thought of her with someone else despite the break up. Im also aware of the fact she may be coming back to me because it didnt work and that it looked likeley i would get custody of kids. I agreed to meet up and spent a few hours talking, yes i hugged and kissed her when she moved close, maybe a mistake. Told her its a lot to take in and need to think. Unsure if i can get over what she has done but i want my kids to have a proper family. What would others do faced with this? Edited February 17, 2014 by John83
ithappenedagain Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 It never works out man. I am just gonna lay it out there. It NEVER works out. She is feeling guilty of her actions - as she should. She doesn't sound stable at all. I know you have kids and all, but I dont think it is the right thing for you to do. How could she hookup with someone so soon after the breakup and then want to come crawling back to you? Something is not right here. Be cautious man.
Author John83 Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 It never works out man. I am just gonna lay it out there. It NEVER works out. She is feeling guilty of her actions - as she should. She doesn't sound stable at all. I know you have kids and all, but I dont think it is the right thing for you to do. How could she hookup with someone so soon after the breakup and then want to come crawling back to you? Something is not right here. Be cautious man. Yeah this is kinda the vibes im getting. She says it took moving on to realise what she really wanted. Im very cautious and still dont know if i can get over her sleeping with another bloke, especially so soon.
Gemini x Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Yeah this is kinda the vibes im getting. She says it took moving on to realise what she really wanted. Im very cautious and still dont know if i can get over her sleeping with another bloke, especially so soon. Hmm, she didn't move on for very long. Possibly a rebound gone wrong? Maybe she did the whole "to get over one is to get under another" thing and it blew up in her face. I guess it's possible she could realize what she lost but it seems very odd to me that it happened so fast after this new guy suddenly disappeared. I really don't know what to suggest here because if my ex came back around I'd be so tempted to give it another go. So, I kind of know how you feel. I guess take it slow and eventually you'll see what her real intentions are. In the meantime, guard your heart and proceed with caution. 2
Author John83 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 Hmm, she didn't move on for very long. Possibly a rebound gone wrong? Maybe she did the whole "to get over one is to get under another" thing and it blew up in her face. I guess it's possible she could realize what she lost but it seems very odd to me that it happened so fast after this new guy suddenly disappeared. I really don't know what to suggest here because if my ex came back around I'd be so tempted to give it another go. So, I kind of know how you feel. I guess take it slow and eventually you'll see what her real intentions are. In the meantime, guard your heart and proceed with caution. Even earlier today id have sworn blind that i wouldnt take her back no matter what but when confronted with it emotions can change your opinion. I know there is more than me to think about with the kids as they would love us to be back together. Id love to believe the tears and everything she said was genuine but i got to remain on guard. I did tell her i need time, and told her i may possibly not get over what she has done. I also dont want to lose the position of controll i have regarding my kids as having had them 95% of the time since the breakup my solicitor told me this will look good on my part if it did go to court. I really dont know with this.
ithappenedagain Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Here is the deal. If I knew my ex of 2 years had instantly slept with another dude, there is NO WAY IN HELL I would ever want her back. Why would I ever want to get her sloppy seconds - especially since she was my sexual partner for last several years. In your case, she 'sealed the deal'.. literally. I would move on. Maybe sometime down the road you guys can reconcile, but for now, there is just way too many emotions involved. This is something that you cannot just forget and expect things to be better.. Like I said earlier. She is feeling guilty as hell. The only way she can relieve this guilt is by getting you back. And typically when this happens, they will leave you again!
oracle Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 History repeats itself. I got back with my ex... he pulled the same **** 12 years later when he got bored again. People are who they are and don't change.. they evolve a bit with experience, but that's the extent of it. Be happy knowing she isn't living it up. I know its extremely hard, but id pass on her 1
Sandy99 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Wow, I can't believe all these people are telling you to move on. You've got kids. You have bigger responsibilities than just protecting your ego. You wife did something really hurtful to you and your family. If she is really sure that she wants to try again, I might make it clear to her that you know she must have left for a reason, and you don't want it to happen again. Therefore you could tell her that she needs to agree to some counseling for a while to try to resolve your issues, that are clearly there or she wouldn't have left in the first place. It's worth a try. 1
894hjk Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I'm with sandy. She prob just planned the whole dating that dude for 2 weeks thing to get you to notice her again and get a reaction from u, to get u to want her... I'm ashamed to say I've done that in the past b4. Go for another time but make sure u talk about why it went wrong n make changes this time. Hey, if it doesn't work out at least u can tell the kids untried again. She probably didn't sleep with him. As a woman I know hOw hard it is to sleep with another guy so soon after a split. Go for it.
lollipopspot Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Of course you should try again, if it's possible, and since you do still have some feeling for her! This is because you have kids, and having a stable family with their parents is the best thing for them. I would recommend counseling, because a neutral party might best be able to help you both sort through the issues that led to the breakup.
David87 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 In this case the best thing to do is to cut her off ( I know it's hard but it's the right decision in the long run). Be there for your kids but not for her.If you get back together with her you will remember what she did everytime you have a fight and not only that, it's possible she will do it again after she gets comfortable in the relationship.
oracle Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I have seen it countless times when people go back BECAUSE they have kids... All scenarios turned out the same way, usually divorced within 2-5 yrs. The OP's KIDS, didn't stop her from pulling this stupid stunt. That says everything about her and her behaviour patterns. Everyone that steps out right away almost always regrets it at first. This is just a knee jerk reaction. Wow, I can't believe all these people are telling you to move on. You've got kids. You have bigger responsibilities than just protecting your ego. You wife did something really hurtful to you and your family. If she is really sure that she wants to try again, I might make it clear to her that you know she must have left for a reason, and you don't want it to happen again. Therefore you could tell her that she needs to agree to some counseling for a while to try to resolve your issues, that are clearly there or she wouldn't have left in the first place. It's worth a try. 1
Author John83 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 Thanks everyone for the input This is hardest decision i ever had to make and i can see both sides. And i wish it was true that she hadnt slept with him, but she has admited it saying she wants no secrets but it makes me sick to the pit of my stomach and would take a long while to get past, if ever. On the other hand the kids deserve their family, they have had enough upset already if she hadnt been with someone else i would have moved mountains to make it work. To be honest i wish she hadnt gave me the choice.
STM206 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Give yourself a couple days to really sit down and weight out the pros and cons. Every relationship is different. My parents have been together 34 years, they had split up in the beginning stages of their relationship and managed to get back together and stay together. This is different for each person. The fact that she left you and is asking to try and come back is probably what most of us on here dream about at the beginning stages of a break up. I'm not saying take her back, and I'm not saying throw it away... It really depends on if you feel strong enough for her to possibly pull the same thing on you again once she eases her way back into it. Make her walk the walk, she can say whatever she wants but make her PROVE herself. Counseling, not spending every moment together, let her chase YOU this time.
sw2020 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Right this second, you don't need to make a decision either way. You're well within your rights to take control of the situation and let her prove herself. She will either do that, or won't. Her saying she wants to is the easy part. Your call on giving her that chance or not and over what time scale you're willing to open yourself up over. Be smart, protect yourself and your sanity. People make REALLY stupid mistakes. Life would be so boring without a little risk though.
Author John83 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 Wow , a year down the line I can say this was an incredibly bad decision. It was clear pretty early on she was just messing around. All the promises was a pack of lies including the "I can't imagine not spending the rest of my life with you" it was only a matter of weeks before having it thrown in my face "I only had you back so I could see the kids" Still tried to plod on and make it work for the kids things seemed to get better for a bit and we set about finding a new home, I bought us a place needing a lot of work but that would make a nice family home. Got the keys to the place before Christmas and have since been spending every spare day doing the work getting it ready to move in, she helped with a few things and was as excited as me, then a week ago comes up with the "I have tried to love you but can't" and is not moving in, now it back to square one and I'm stuck with a house I don't want as between work and having the kids it will be impossible to complete the work and the heart is just not in it anymore since it was meant as our family home. Feel like an absolute fool again and gave to watch the kids lives fall apart all over again.
Itspointless Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Wow , a year down the line I can say this was an incredibly bad decision. It was clear pretty early on she was just messing around. All the promises was a pack of lies including the "I can't imagine not spending the rest of my life with you" it was only a matter of weeks before having it thrown in my face "I only had you back so I could see the kids" Still tried to plod on and make it work for the kids things seemed to get better for a bit and we set about finding a new home, I bought us a place needing a lot of work but that would make a nice family home. Got the keys to the place before Christmas and have since been spending every spare day doing the work getting it ready to move in, she helped with a few things and was as excited as me, then a week ago comes up with the "I have tried to love you but can't" and is not moving in, now it back to square one and I'm stuck with a house I don't want as between work and having the kids it will be impossible to complete the work and the heart is just not in it anymore since it was meant as our family home. Feel like an absolute fool again and gave to watch the kids lives fall apart all over again. I am really sorry to hear that Oracle was right. Love your children as much as you can. I am sure you will, you sound like a good father, I am sure the house will be a place where good new memories will come eventualy. 1
SycamoreCircle Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. You'll make life without the family together work. It's not ideal. But it has to be. Thanks for following up your story.
Author John83 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 I am really sorry to hear that Oracle was right. Love your children as much as you can. I am sure you will, you sound like a good father, I am sure the house will be a place where good new memories will come eventualy. Thank you for your kind words. I wish I had listened but ultimately I guess I owed it to the kids to try and I suppose they got almost a year of mammy and daddy being together and another family Christmas, at the expense of having to now repeat the whole break up process. It's the loss of the kids ideal family life I feel the saddest for, and I feel impossible to move on as feel every step I take to rebuild my own life is a betrayal to them and a stso away from the life they deserve. 1
lovebug_5858 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Thank you for your kind words. I wish I had listened but ultimately I guess I owed it to the kids to try and I suppose they got almost a year of mammy and daddy being together and another family Christmas, at the expense of having to now repeat the whole break up process. It's the loss of the kids ideal family life I feel the saddest for, and I feel impossible to move on as feel every step I take to rebuild my own life is a betrayal to them and a stso away from the life they deserve. I grew up in a broken home and my mom and stepfather separated eventually as well, thats two failed relationships I saw, but now they are both in new relationships and I am happy to see that they are happy. At the end of the day, its not necessarily mommy and daddy being together that makes for an ideal home. It's mommy and daddy being happy. It hurt me a lot more to see my mom crying at least once a week than it did to see them separate.. I was still young back then and so were my siblings but they also understood that it was not a happy home and that things are much better now. Don't be so hard on yourself, try to be happy and if you can't right now shift your focus to making your kids happy. THAT'S what they deserve, not necessarily you putting up with all that you already have. 1
Itspointless Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Thank you for your kind words. I wish I had listened but ultimately I guess I owed it to the kids to try and I suppose they got almost a year of mammy and daddy being together and another family Christmas, at the expense of having to now repeat the whole break up process. It's the loss of the kids ideal family life I feel the saddest for, and I feel impossible to move on as feel every step I take to rebuild my own life is a betrayal to them and a stso away from the life they deserve. It perhaps is not the ideal situation, but you have showed your kids strengh first by trying to do the what you thought was best for them. And just as important that you are a good example by showing them wise choices. You showed them that having boundaries is important, even if it means that you have to split. That is a lesson that they will learn for life! Do not hide your emotions but be available for them and their emotions.
Author John83 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 I grew up in a broken home and my mom and stepfather separated eventually as well, thats two failed relationships I saw, but now they are both in new relationships and I am happy to see that they are happy. At the end of the day, its not necessarily mommy and daddy being together that makes for an ideal home. It's mommy and daddy being happy. It hurt me a lot more to see my mom crying at least once a week than it did to see them separate.. I was still young back then and so were my siblings but they also understood that it was not a happy home and that things are much better now. Don't be so hard on yourself, try to be happy and if you can't right now shift your focus to making your kids happy. THAT'S what they deserve, not necessarily you putting up with all that you already have. Thanks for your reply I can see your point of view and I hope in time my kids are able to feel the same way. It's hard for me to see it at the minute, I have wonderfull memories of every great day out we had and wonder if they would have been quite as magical with just one parent there. the thought of not waking up with them Christmas morning is unbearable. They have always been my life and always will and fear greatly that even with joint custody it's still missing out on half their childhood.
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