Whisky1981 Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 (edited) Long story short..... I invited a girl to dance class (met her at a club) and after a month of dance class i asked her to come over for dinner....she accepted....after dinner and 5 hours of talking watching a movie and dancing i moved in for the kiss...she said no! see you on next dance classes....damn I really am struggling to understand women....if those weren't signs that required my action (as for do not wait to long) I really dont know. Other facts: -She was going to school with me something like 12 years ago....I haven't had a conversation with her since then and we only were friends on facebook just liking each others photos and not speaking once. -I thought there was some flirting (maybe imaginig it) from the dance classes in the past month. -I went to a drink with her before and talkd for nearly 3 hours. -We never spoke of these instances as dates (but I assumed them as they were, especially if I invite you over to my house for dinner) So my questions? 1. Did I go in too soon? 2. Is there any hope for future aka should I presist? 3. How the hell should I act in her presence now....the situation for me is really awkward I dont want to cut the dance classes because if I do I'll come out as hurt or ashamed or something like this....since till now we drove together to the classes I have to call her tomorrow and set the logistics (how to act during phone call). Thanks for all your responses and advices! Edited February 17, 2014 by Whisky1981
spiderowl Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 (edited) She likes you as a friend but doesn't want to take it further. Try not to be offended, she didn't intend to upset you. Take it back to being friends and show interest in other women instead. Have fun as friends.If you two were meant to be more, you would have got closer by now and she would have been encouraging you, not backing out. Edited February 17, 2014 by spiderowl
kjackson1 Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 She isn't interested, chalk it up as an experience and move on. I'm sure there are plenty of other women in your dance class anyways. 1
TB Rhine Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 If anything you waited too long... several hours of conversation, etc.? You should've made a move way before that - she lost respect for you.
hasaquestion Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 When you're walking around tomorrow afternoon, look around and do a tally in your mind. Yes or no? Chances are you're going to count a whole lot of nos. What went wrong? Nothing went wrong. You just aren't interested in them.
HappyLove Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 You did nothing wrong! What to do now... Move on to the next girl, preferably in dancing class hee hee. Just be her friend, don't have a chip on your shoulder. If she brings it up just say you respect her decision. Hey, you took a chance she's not interested at least you didn't prolong this for months. Next!
hasaquestion Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 You did nothing wrong! What to do now... Move on to the next girl, preferably in dancing class hee hee. Just be her friend, don't have a chip on your shoulder. If she brings it up just say you respect her decision. Hey, you took a chance she's not interested at least you didn't prolong this for months. Next! Yep. She enjoys your company. No need to burn any bridges. Friends are a good thing. And don't give me any of that "embarrassing/emasculating can't be just friends with her" B.S. You make it sound like you aren't exactly knee deep in beautiful women, if someone wants to be your friend take it.
deathandtaxes Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 If anything you waited too long... several hours of conversation, etc.? You should've made a move way before that - she lost respect for you. I forcefully disagree, TB Rhine. Why do you think she lost respect for OP? OP - perhaps your intentions for dinner weren't clear? She probably thought it was just a friendly dinner and not a romantic date-like dinner. Take your rejection like a man and just continue to be her friend.
Author Whisky1981 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 Ok...thanks for the advices.... the problem is that I cant move to another dancer in the class....I am her co-dancer so I am stuck on her. And no, friend isn't a good thing....not if you feel like you have feelings for this person. The normal way would be to cut any connection and allow myself to heal but as I metioned I cant do that because I have 2 dance classes left and then she maybe will want to continue for the next month and so on...damn I am not sure if I want this because if I do it, I will be just imagining that maybe at some point I could charm her enough to maybe like me later on. As I mentioned I just dont want to seem offended and things like that. I am a little pissed because, again, I am the one who gets nothing and she is the one who got a boost in her ego, a co-dancer and probably other things I could do for her....so yea its a win for her and a lose for me.
HappyLove Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I say BRAVO to you OP, a lot of us, myself included, look at our crushes from afar and never make a move. You lived life, took the bull by the horns, and went after what you wanted. That's inspiring.
HappyLove Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Ok...thanks for the advices.... the problem is that I cant move to another dancer in the class....I am her co-dancer so I am stuck on her. And no, friend isn't a good thing....not if you feel like you have feelings for this person. The normal way would be to cut any connection and allow myself to heal but as I metioned I cant do that because I have 2 dance classes left and then she maybe will want to continue for the next month and so on...damn I am not sure if I want this because if I do it, I will be just imagining that maybe at some point I could charm her enough to maybe like me later on. As I mentioned I just dont want to seem offended and things like that. I am a little pissed because, again, I am the one who gets nothing and she is the one who got a boost in her ego, a co-dancer and probably other things I could do for her....so yea its a win for her and a lose for me. Stop being so negative! You're being bitter because someone doesn't like you romantically. The best revenge you could have us showing up with a smile on your face as if nothing happened. If you don't want to continue after this class then don't. But nothing is more unattractive than a sulking man because someone didn't return his affections. Yuck.
Author Whisky1981 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 OP - perhaps your intentions for dinner weren't clear? She probably thought it was just a friendly dinner and not a romantic date-like dinner. Take your rejection like a man and just continue to be her friend. Hmmmm. Let me clear this thing....if she isnt dumb....she has a sister that I know as much as her, maybe just a little bit less and I could have invited both of them for dinner if I wanted it to be friendly, I mentioned it before I surely was flirting a little during dance classes. Yes she could have misunderstood it but if I was in her place I really wouldnt have misunderstood it as a friendly invitation...that said I am a man and she is a woman.
Author Whisky1981 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 Stop being so negative! You're being bitter because someone doesn't like you romantically. The best revenge you could have us showing up with a smile on your face as if nothing happened. If you don't want to continue after this class then don't. But nothing is more unattractive than a sulking man because someone didn't return his affections. Yuck. No I am not bitter, I just dont want to be used. Yes you answerd me, then just stop if you dont want to. And it never crossed my mind to not show up with a smile plastered all over my face the next time I see her. I was seeking advice for how to act in her presence and to soothe my feelings I was mybe seeking for little comfort that maybe if I persist in a healthy way (and by that I mean being friendly with a remote hope that maybe she will recognize the guy that I am and rethink the situation again) something positive will come. @HappyLove : And yes I took the bull by the horns....but you know what after being rejected I dont feel so good...I lost some self-esteem and put myself in an awkward situation...was it worth it? I don't know. Thanks for the praising thou.
HappyLove Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 "I was seeking advice for how to act in her presence and to soothe my feelings I was mybe seeking for little comfort that maybe if I persist in a healthy way (and by that I mean being friendly with a remote hope that maybe she will recognize the guy that I am and rethink the situation again) something positive will come." The only way she will MAYBE rethink things is if you don't come off as some wounded puppy. If you are able to move on without acting rejected she may think hmmm, how the hell is he over me so fast. It will definitely make her think. But if you move on and find a girl who DOES like you best believe she will be rethinking things. BUT why waste your time? The point is to find someone who likes you as much as you like her. This isn't even worth being so upset about. If after these two last dances you really think she's using you then don't allow it. Give yourself some time, you will feel very different about this whole situation in a week or two. Nobody likes rejection but every single one of us face it at some point, you just keep on keeping on and move on to the next girl, that's life.
hasaquestion Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Ok...thanks for the advices.... the problem is that I cant move to another dancer in the class....I am her co-dancer so I am stuck on her. And no, friend isn't a good thing....not if you feel like you have feelings for this person. The normal way would be to cut any connection and allow myself to heal but as I metioned I cant do that because I have 2 dance classes left and then she maybe will want to continue for the next month and so on...damn I am not sure if I want this because if I do it, I will be just imagining that maybe at some point I could charm her enough to maybe like me later on. As I mentioned I just dont want to seem offended and things like that. I am a little pissed because, again, I am the one who gets nothing and she is the one who got a boost in her ego, a co-dancer and probably other things I could do for her....so yea its a win for her and a lose for me. But you DON'T get nothing. You get a connection, you get a person who will expose you to their network. Best case scenario you get a friend. Look at the big picture. The "loss" is a hit to your ego. But if you're willing to bite that bullet, you can get a lot out of her as long (as you don't hit on her at all at treat her like a friend only 100%). If you're not able to bring yourself to laugh the whole thing off and behave like you don't care about her as a love interest anymore, fine. But you absolutely have something to 'gain' from her. And looking at things black and white, and not adjusting as you go, is how you miss opportunities (both in love and in life). Rome wasn't built in a day. Get rejected, feel sorry for yourself and you're back to square one. This girl isn't the solution but she can be part of the process!
CrystalCastles Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Its strange that everyone should be saying that she friendzoned the OP, since inviting a person to dinner sounds like a date to me. I've been the girl in the situation before, and I said no because it was too soon. There's nothing manly about getting physical right away. Kissing is an intimate act, to me, and I'm not comfortable doing it with someone I've just been getting to know (it's difficult to get to know someone well in a class, so I don't think a month of dancing really counts). She could be into you but she might be the type to go slow. I wouldn't pull any more moves or make your interest obvious unless she begins to show interest herself. To all the people out there who are making a stink about the OP not pulling his manly moves on the girl, seriously. Not every girl wants to see some sexy playa moves on the first date. I personally have found that if I'm interested in a guy who is shy about making moves and is taking his sweet time, I'm more than happy to wait. I'm not going to kick a good guy to the curb because he doesn't initiate sexy playa moves ASAP. 2
Author Whisky1981 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 But you DON'T get nothing. You get a connection, you get a person who will expose you to their network. Best case scenario you get a friend. Look at the big picture. The "loss" is a hit to your ego. But if you're willing to bite that bullet, you can get a lot out of her as long (as you don't hit on her at all at treat her like a friend only 100%). If you're not able to bring yourself to laugh the whole thing off and behave like you don't care about her as a love interest anymore, fine. But you absolutely have something to 'gain' from her. And looking at things black and white, and not adjusting as you go, is how you miss opportunities (both in love and in life). Rome wasn't built in a day. Get rejected, feel sorry for yourself and you're back to square one. This girl isn't the solution but she can be part of the process! Yes I know what you are saying. Meeting her friends and so on, I know all that. The problem is the thing is fresh and yea it hurts a little....but as you said I have to suck that up and I will. When something goes wrong, you always want to run away from things that hurt you, guess this is a natural thing....so those are thr instincts I am fighting now. Thanks for your words. Being a man ain't easy this days it seems you have to fight yourself and mother nature to achive a goal .
Author Whisky1981 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 Its strange that everyone should be saying that she friendzoned the OP, since inviting a person to dinner sounds like a date to me. I've been the girl in the situation before, and I said no because it was too soon. There's nothing manly about getting physical right away. Kissing is an intimate act, to me, and I'm not comfortable doing it with someone I've just been getting to know (it's difficult to get to know someone well in a class, so I don't think a month of dancing really counts). She could be into you but she might be the type to go slow. I wouldn't pull any more moves or make your interest obvious unless she begins to show interest herself. To all the people out there who are making a stink about the OP not pulling his manly moves on the girl, seriously. Not every girl wants to see some sexy playa moves on the first date. I personally have found that if I'm interested in a guy who is shy about making moves and is taking his sweet time, I'm more than happy to wait. I'm not going to kick a good guy to the curb because he doesn't initiate sexy playa moves ASAP. Thank you, your post was a patch on the wound. You know that inside I hope thath was the scenario and at the same time I am trying to heal from the hit so I'll be able to move on later. So it is a post like yours that adds to the mixture of good and bad feelings that in the end make someone feel a little better every day. I will be her friend and not trying anything stupid from now on. Wait for her move is what I was planning to do. Although I dont want this to go on for too long. I'll maybe wait one more month to see if there will be any signs of progression from her side. So she's on the move now. Thanks again for your post! 1
antonio1149 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I will be her friend and not trying anything stupid from now on. Wait for her move is what I was planning to do. Although I dont want this to go on for too long. I'll maybe wait one more month to see if there will be any signs of progression from her side. So she's on the move now. I recommend that you distance yourself and show as little interest as possible, short of being downright unfriendly. The ball should be completely in her court. She'll either decide she made a mistake, and starting showing renewed interest (in which case, you should hold out and really make her work for it), or she'll be relieved and nothing will ever happen. As for friendship ... I love having female friends, but the whole idea of dating and then having a "friendship" if things don't work out is a house of cards. As soon as they meet someone who really turns them on, they will either drop you completely or become extremely unavailable as a "friend." So you need to be realistic about this and not get your hopes up about having a good, long-term "friend." 1
Author Whisky1981 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 I recommend that you distance yourself and show as little interest as possible, short of being downright unfriendly. The ball should be completely in her court. She'll either decide she made a mistake, and starting showing renewed interest (in which case, you should hold out and really make her work for it), or she'll be relieved and nothing will ever happen. As for friendship ... I love having female friends, but the whole idea of dating and then having a "friendship" if things don't work out is a house of cards. As soon as they meet someone who really turns them on, they will either drop you completely or become extremely unavailable as a "friend." So you need to be realistic about this and not get your hopes up about having a good, long-term "friend." Yes this is what I intend to do. Distance myself as much a possible but I do not intend to be on the verge of unfriendliness, I intend to act as I did before as natural as I can be, even thou feelings will burn inside for quite a while. As for the friendship, no I do not intend to make her my long term friend, she never was a friend to me and I don't see how can she become a friend to me now. I know that when women get involved in relationships is very likely that friendships will be forgotten. So false friendliness is what I intend for a short time and than if there is no change in her behavior towards me, we part our ways and stay aquaintances. Thanks for the replay.
TB Rhine Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I forcefully disagree, TB Rhine. Why do you think she lost respect for OP? I'm a big believer in the idea that you shouldn't overplay your hand with a woman. Keep dates (fairly) short, and maintain a certain taciturnity that creates an air of mystery. He had her at his place, made dinner, they talked for hours, etc. THEN he made a move. I think there's a very good chance that, by then, she had either dismissed him as a romantic prospect, decided HE wasn't interested in HER, or decided he wasn't bold enough to make a move, which would trigger an immediate disgust-response. That "hours of conversation" is the part that mostly doesn't sit well with me. There's an article on The Onion somewhere - "Guy Mistakenly Bypasses Physical Intimacy and Goes Straight to Emotional Intimacy." That is what this puts me in mind of.
Author Whisky1981 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 I'm a big believer in the idea that you shouldn't overplay your hand with a woman. Keep dates (fairly) short, and maintain a certain taciturnity that creates an air of mystery. He had her at his place, made dinner, they talked for hours, etc. THEN he made a move. I think there's a very good chance that, by then, she had either dismissed him as a romantic prospect, decided HE wasn't interested in HER, or decided he wasn't bold enough to make a move, which would trigger an immediate disgust-response. That "hours of conversation" is the part that mostly doesn't sit well with me. There's an article on The Onion somewhere - "Guy Mistakenly Bypasses Physical Intimacy and Goes Straight to Emotional Intimacy." That is what this puts me in mind of. I'm sorry I really have to disagree here. It all happened in one night if a person is interested in someone then several hours of conversation can't change that. Ok only if you creep her out during the conversation in which case she would want to get out of there ASAP. Lost interest because you don't make a move earlier than later is ludacris. We are talking about the same night, why does it matter when the move is done? Tell me how would she act if I jumped her when she stepped trough the door? I don't think that would have been a good idea. How I see it in my case, there are 2 options. First she wanted to take it slower than I intended to. And the second which I am leaning for is that she just isn't interested in me other than being friends for whatever reason it may be and I do not intend to ask her that. So my conclusion is to share her company for another month to see if it will go somewhere. Meanwhile I am not hoping for anything (at least I shouldn't but the mind wanders on its own) and I hope the wounds get healed in the process altough it will be hard to heal them while I'll still have to see her weekly. After that I part ways with her or maybe not if I realize taht I don't have feelings for her anymore. BTW called her today to set the time when I'll pick her up tomorrow and she acted normaly so guess no hard feelings for what happened.
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