Dating after Divorce?

[Pghsnow]

Newbie Dating fear?

Newbie to all of this. Separated after 16 years of faithful marriage (on my part) just waiting until finances are straight to get my own place with the kids. For now sharing the house. And have been in this situation for just about a year. Fun times

I'm totally over it, over him, and excited to move on. Been married since I was 19, so totally starting over. I had an 18 year old body the last time I went in a date. So the whole dating idea at 35, after a few children...well that's slightly horrifying. Career-wise, my dream was to be a wife, mother, a housewife. You say that nowadays and that makes you into a gold digger. I genuinely enjoyed the theory of cooking and making a home a refuge for my family. My ex made so many financial mistakes that i had to work and couldn't do those things. Sex hasn't been possible for years thanks to his medications. So honestly other than body image and a new routine, I'm excited for the future.

I don't think I ever celebrated a Valentine's Day or anything like that for that matter. For whatever reason I don't have a heavy heart. I know I deserve better than the way I've been treated. I'm ready to live.

Anyone else have experience with dating fear?

[LEEVIT2F8]

My advice is to get over yourself a little bit and realize people have flaws. I don't think I've ever met a girl that isn't self conscious about some part of her body, no matter how gorgeous they might be. It makes you human and loving yourself is the first part of finding someone special.

 

But you know first things first you need to get your own place. Being married so long since you were so young you need to find out about you. Find out what kind of single woman you became. And you can't do that living with your husband...

[Pghsnow]

Totally agree and cannot wait to get out of here! Just things on my mind. Thanks for your response :-)

[curlygirl40]

I was a little older than you when I divorced (40) but similar stories.

 

 

Married for 18 years, last time I dated I was 19 years old, etc.

 

 

It's been a few years but let me see if I can think back and give you some advice.

 

 

You probably shouldn't be dating until you get your own place. It makes things messy to have everything up in the air with your living arrangements/divorce, etc. Until that time, spend some time by yourself figuring out who you are/will be as a single person and getting your head on straight. Read some books on moving on and dating and failed relationships, grieve your failed marriage, figure out who you are, etc.

 

 

Spend time with your kids when you can so they know that this big change will not change the relationship you have with them. You will have time to date when they have their time with their dad and you've moved out, etc.

 

 

I remember the feeling very well of 'I'm not sure if anyone else will want me'. I was 40 years old, I had 2 teenagers and my body was not what it was at 19. But do not worry about that, believe me there are a lot of men out there in the same age bracket who have children and don't look like they did when they were 18 either! They will want you.

 

 

Try to get yourself in the best shape you can. Not to date just because it's good for the self esteem and good for your health.

 

 

Find hobbies for you to enjoy so it makes you interesting and well rounded and gives you something for you. Yoga, kayaking, running, tennis, etc., etc. You might not have this problem but for me I found that I stayed home so long and raised the kids and my ex was very controlling so I didn't really have ANY hobbies at all. My friends and my kids were my hobbies. So when men asked me what I liked to do I would draw a blank.

 

 

Men WILL want to date you. But be careful of the men in the beginning and your choices. I had girlfriends warn me about this and unfortunately in a way I found it to be true. There are guys out there who know that you are vulnerable at this stage in your life and may prey on that although they really only want to have sex with you. So just be careful and question intentions (not to them but in your mind)

 

 

Dating has changed SO MUCH since you were a teen. Buy the book 'He's just not that into you' and live by it! I was very naïve when I first started dating again and had a hard time not chasing a guy who was showing me a little bit of attention not realizing that I should keep my respect and dignity. Texting, Facebook, email, etc. it all changes how we talk to each other. Texting makes it very easy for a guy to give you a little bit of attention and since you're craving it because it's been missing in your marriage and your life for so long it's like you were starving and someone gave you a cracker. It's going to feel good! But don't get wrapped up in it. Just because a guy gives you attention does not mean he's serious with his intentions with you.

 

 

The biggest thing that I have found about dating is that it is very challenging to find someone who I feel chemistry and a connection with who is also in the same 'place' that I am in. Which means wanting a relationship if that's what you want. You probably don't want that right now but there will come a time that you do and it's sometimes hard to find. Some men seem to be more careful about entering a relationship again but it will not stop them from wanting to date.

 

 

I remember a guy friend telling me that even if we're not in a good place in our lives for dating/relationships that we WILL seek it out anyway. So just because a guy wants to date you, has his profile up on a dating site, etc., etc. does not mean he's emotionally available. Keep it in mind.

 

 

If you remember nothing else remember this. When a man says 'I cannot be in a relationship right now' BELIEVE HIM. Women have a tendency to not believe a man and think he will change, think that things will be so great between them that he will change his mind, think that eventually he will want a relationship and if she sticks with him long enough when that time comes she will still be there and he will pick her. Save yourself some heartache.

 

 

When a man says 'I don't want a relationship' and his actions are showing otherwise, a woman will usually listen to his actions instead of his words. But when a man is saying all of the right things but yet acting like he doesn't want to be in a relationship, women will listen to the words and not listen to the actions. Be careful of this.

 

 

When you're dating, do not go to a guy's house or invite him to yours unless you plan on sleeping with him. Do not be naïve and think you can go to his house for pizza and a movie and not sleep together. Notice all of the threads on this site that deal with this. Didn't plan on having sex so soon but had sex and now he's disappeared and what do I do, etc., etc. Just simply don't put yourself in that position. Yes we're all adults and it's ultimately your choice when you choose to have sex and yes you have a choice as to when the P goes in the V but like I said, it's easier to just not put yourself in that position if you're not ready.

 

 

It sounds like you have a lot on your mind about your marriage and how and why it fell apart. Keep all of that to yourself when you meet someone new. It's hard in the beginning because the breakdown of your marriage is so much of who you are. But a date does not want to hear about it. It will always make you sound petty and bitter and like you're not ready to move on if you talk about it a lot when you're first dating. So keep that talk for your friends and when you're dating, focus more on who you are as a person and what you are looking for and what you have to offer. Talk about your kids, your hobbies, your family, who you are as a person and leave out the talk about why your ex failed you financially (as an example) etc.

 

 

In some ways dating is easier at this age because the men that you meet are who they are going to be. Does that make sense? Like if they smoke pot then they will be smoking pot when you date them. If they are a good parent, you can put some trust in that because you've seen that they are a good parent. If they don't have a good work ethic or aren't good with money, then that is who they are. They aren't changing at this age! You get to find out who they are and then make the choice as to dating them knowing who they are. When you're dating as a teen or in your 20's, you assume people will grow up and drop bad habits. When you're this age and someone shows you who they are, believe them. Believe it or not I actually found this refreshing.

 

 

I think it was David Crosby who said that life is like starting as a boulder and getting the corners knocked off you until you are smooth like a river stone. When you meet a new potential partner remember they have been through a lot as well and they have been through experiences who made them who they are as well. Some people will be bitter and jaded and some will have more perspective and character. Choose wisely. And remember everyone has been through something. It's not always baggage, these life experiences made them who they are and sometimes this is a good thing.

 

 

I know I gave you more information than you were looking for but just wanted to give you some advice from someone that went through this all relatively recently. It's a fun time, enjoy it for what it is.

[Tayken]

But do not worry about that, believe me there are a lot of men out there in the same age bracket who have children and don't look like they did when they were 18 either! They will want you.

Yeah may be so...but with 2 kids, what do you think these men are really after?

 

I found that I stayed home so long and raised the kids and my ex was very controlling so I didn't really have ANY hobbies at all.

I find this hard to take in, considering there are women with 4 kids, full-time job that still manage to go to a walk/run club twice a week

 

There are guys out there who know that you are vulnerable at this stage in your life and may prey on that although they really only want to have sex with you.

I guess you answered your own question.....Would you agree that there are loads of women just like this out there too?

 

Some men seem to be more careful about entering a relationship again but it will not stop them from wanting to date.

Can you blame them, especially if they are coming from a burnt relationship? They will date because they know there are women out there looking for just sex

 

When you're dating, do not go to a guy's house or invite him to yours unless you plan on sleeping with him. Do not be naïve and think you can go to his house for pizza and a movie and not sleep together. Notice all of the threads on this site that deal with this.

You are wrong about the house invite...I have been to women's house and not make out or have sex with them vice versa. On the other hand, I have had 4 dates give me a BJ in their car. One on a first date, and the other on the 2nd date

 

I am usually wary of women with kids, who are looking to get serious and want you to commit...I can see through all of that, having been there before. I do not want to be paying child support for kids that aren't mine

Edited February 18, 2014 by Tayken

[ja123]

I think CurlyGirl has given some good advice.

 

 

Sorry you got taken, Tayken.

[Pghsnow]

I am so grateful to you for taking the time to write this to me. So very much so. I will not be dating or talking to anyone until the divorce is final. Just trying to give myself a light at the end of the tunnel, if that makes sense. Something to look towards to get thru this. I will buy that book asap. I have been stuck in this land of separation for a LONG time now, so I hope to be out soon! You really gave me a lot of awesome info and hope ❤️

 

 

I was a little older than you when I divorced (40) but similar stories.

 

 

Married for 18 years, last time I dated I was 19 years old, etc.

 

 

It's been a few years but let me see if I can think back and give you some advice.

 

 

You probably shouldn't be dating until you get your own place. It makes things messy to have everything up in the air with your living arrangements/divorce, etc. Until that time, spend some time by yourself figuring out who you are/will be as a single person and getting your head on straight. Read some books on moving on and dating and failed relationships, grieve your failed marriage, figure out who you are, etc.

 

 

Spend time with your kids when you can so they know that this big change will not change the relationship you have with them. You will have time to date when they have their time with their dad and you've moved out, etc.

 

 

I remember the feeling very well of 'I'm not sure if anyone else will want me'. I was 40 years old, I had 2 teenagers and my body was not what it was at 19. But do not worry about that, believe me there are a lot of men out there in the same age bracket who have children and don't look like they did when they were 18 either! They will want you.

 

 

Try to get yourself in the best shape you can. Not to date just because it's good for the self esteem and good for your health.

 

 

Find hobbies for you to enjoy so it makes you interesting and well rounded and gives you something for you. Yoga, kayaking, running, tennis, etc., etc. You might not have this problem but for me I found that I stayed home so long and raised the kids and my ex was very controlling so I didn't really have ANY hobbies at all. My friends and my kids were my hobbies. So when men asked me what I liked to do I would draw a blank.

 

 

Men WILL want to date you. But be careful of the men in the beginning and your choices. I had girlfriends warn me about this and unfortunately in a way I found it to be true. There are guys out there who know that you are vulnerable at this stage in your life and may prey on that although they really only want to have sex with you. So just be careful and question intentions (not to them but in your mind)

 

 

Dating has changed SO MUCH since you were a teen. Buy the book 'He's just not that into you' and live by it! I was very naïve when I first started dating again and had a hard time not chasing a guy who was showing me a little bit of attention not realizing that I should keep my respect and dignity. Texting, Facebook, email, etc. it all changes how we talk to each other. Texting makes it very easy for a guy to give you a little bit of attention and since you're craving it because it's been missing in your marriage and your life for so long it's like you were starving and someone gave you a cracker. It's going to feel good! But don't get wrapped up in it. Just because a guy gives you attention does not mean he's serious with his intentions with you.

 

 

The biggest thing that I have found about dating is that it is very challenging to find someone who I feel chemistry and a connection with who is also in the same 'place' that I am in. Which means wanting a relationship if that's what you want. You probably don't want that right now but there will come a time that you do and it's sometimes hard to find. Some men seem to be more careful about entering a relationship again but it will not stop them from wanting to date.

 

 

I remember a guy friend telling me that even if we're not in a good place in our lives for dating/relationships that we WILL seek it out anyway. So just because a guy wants to date you, has his profile up on a dating site, etc., etc. does not mean he's emotionally available. Keep it in mind.

 

 

If you remember nothing else remember this. When a man says 'I cannot be in a relationship right now' BELIEVE HIM. Women have a tendency to not believe a man and think he will change, think that things will be so great between them that he will change his mind, think that eventually he will want a relationship and if she sticks with him long enough when that time comes she will still be there and he will pick her. Save yourself some heartache.

 

 

When a man says 'I don't want a relationship' and his actions are showing otherwise, a woman will usually listen to his actions instead of his words. But when a man is saying all of the right things but yet acting like he doesn't want to be in a relationship, women will listen to the words and not listen to the actions. Be careful of this.

 

 

When you're dating, do not go to a guy's house or invite him to yours unless you plan on sleeping with him. Do not be naïve and think you can go to his house for pizza and a movie and not sleep together. Notice all of the threads on this site that deal with this. Didn't plan on having sex so soon but had sex and now he's disappeared and what do I do, etc., etc. Just simply don't put yourself in that position. Yes we're all adults and it's ultimately your choice when you choose to have sex and yes you have a choice as to when the P goes in the V but like I said, it's easier to just not put yourself in that position if you're not ready.

 

 

It sounds like you have a lot on your mind about your marriage and how and why it fell apart. Keep all of that to yourself when you meet someone new. It's hard in the beginning because the breakdown of your marriage is so much of who you are. But a date does not want to hear about it. It will always make you sound petty and bitter and like you're not ready to move on if you talk about it a lot when you're first dating. So keep that talk for your friends and when you're dating, focus more on who you are as a person and what you are looking for and what you have to offer. Talk about your kids, your hobbies, your family, who you are as a person and leave out the talk about why your ex failed you financially (as an example) etc.

 

 

In some ways dating is easier at this age because the men that you meet are who they are going to be. Does that make sense? Like if they smoke pot then they will be smoking pot when you date them. If they are a good parent, you can put some trust in that because you've seen that they are a good parent. If they don't have a good work ethic or aren't good with money, then that is who they are. They aren't changing at this age! You get to find out who they are and then make the choice as to dating them knowing who they are. When you're dating as a teen or in your 20's, you assume people will grow up and drop bad habits. When you're this age and someone shows you who they are, believe them. Believe it or not I actually found this refreshing.

 

 

I think it was David Crosby who said that life is like starting as a boulder and getting the corners knocked off you until you are smooth like a river stone. When you meet a new potential partner remember they have been through a lot as well and they have been through experiences who made them who they are as well. Some people will be bitter and jaded and some will have more perspective and character. Choose wisely. And remember everyone has been through something. It's not always baggage, these life experiences made them who they are and sometimes this is a good thing.

 

 

I know I gave you more information than you were looking for but just wanted to give you some advice from someone that went through this all relatively recently. It's a fun time, enjoy it for what it is.

[Pghsnow]

Maybe I'm a weirdo, but I don't see anything wrong with a relationship without living together. I don't want to remarry, but would like a long term companion? As you dont wish to support another man's children...I don't wish to have another father for my children. So I sure hope there are good men out there that would be just fine with my scenario. :-)

 

 

 

Yeah may be so...but with 2 kids, what do you think these men are really after?

 

I find this hard to take in, considering there are women with 4 kids, full-time job that still manage to go to a walk/run club twice a week

 

I guess you answered your own question.....Would you agree that there are loads of women just like this out there too?

 

Can you blame them, especially if they are coming from a burnt relationship? They will date because they know there are women out there looking for just sex

 

You are wrong about the house invite...I have been to women's house and not make out or have sex with them vice versa. On the other hand, I have had 4 dates give me a BJ in their car. One on a first date, and the other on the 2nd date

 

I am usually wary of women with kids, who are looking to get serious and want you to commit...I can see through all of that, having been there before. I do not want to be paying child support for kids that aren't mine

[curlygirl40]

I am so grateful to you for taking the time to write this to me. So very much so. I will not be dating or talking to anyone until the divorce is final. Just trying to give myself a light at the end of the tunnel, if that makes sense. Something to look towards to get thru this. I will buy that book asap. I have been stuck in this land of separation for a LONG time now, so I hope to be out soon! You really gave me a lot of awesome info and hope ❤️

 

 

Best of luck to you!! You have the rest of your life to look forward to. Make it a fun time.

 

 

I've been divorced now for 3 + years. I've learned a lot!

 

 

Take things slow and enjoy the journey. I went through a phase of not wanting anything serious for a while and just wanted to get my feet wet and date and see what was out there. I was honest with everyone I dated about where I was at in my journey.

 

 

My separation/divorce was very quick once the decision was made but yet it took me years of not being happy to make the decision so I understand limbo all too well.

 

 

I remember wondering if anyone would have me afterwards, it's such a daunting time. But once the smoke clears and you are through it and on the other side, it's very freeing. Enjoy it.

 

 

People 'negotiate' all sorts of different arrangements when it comes to relationships. A good friend of mine is in a relationship for 1.5 years now and they moved in for the summer but then she got her own place for the 'academic' season to keep her kids in the school district she needed them in. So they live together over the weekends and she goes back to her place with the kids (they are older, teens) during the week. Makes it easy for both of them to keep their kids on task with their school work and gives them all their own space to get ready in the morning, etc., but yet they spend all weekend together like a big family.

 

 

I've just started dating a guy and I can't see myself moving in and changing my life for a couple of years now if/when that happens with anyone.

 

 

Different strokes for different folks. Dating is a whole different ballgame when kids are involved. I remember thinking there was no way I could ever move anyone into my house with my kids but yet I have girlfriends who did that right away after dating someone for only a few months.

 

 

Don't apologize for what you're comfortable with. Do what's best for you but just be honest about what you're looking for at each stage.

[ThatMan]

Pghsnow,

This clearly has been a difficult time for you. People discover after particularly painful relationships that they will not attract the healthiest of people. And as you heal, you will find those people you attracted when you were at your lowest are NOT the people who want to see you get better. They want you to stay right where you were... Miserable...

 

This is exactly why most people will urge others to take a moment to be recover, adjust, and be happy again. It's up to you to decide whether or not you've been able to move on from a divorce - and this is entirely about your current frame of mind and not how much time has progressed.

 

So the big question is: What are some of the things you've done for yourself to be happy? How have you been doing as of late?