Isadora Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 So, my relationship problems started back in October when he broke up with me. Here is my thread from before: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/439944-coping-my-first-break-up#post5334567 And then he wanted to get back together in December, I took him back, despite what he had done and forgave him. This story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/449763-he-wants-get-back-together-but-has-slept-around#post5411280 It's all been well and good until a couple of weeks ago when he started acting odd again, the same way he had before he broke up with me the first time. I know I shouldn't have done it but I saw his Facebook messages, and I found out he had lied a cheated on me. He'd told me he'd had 4 one night stands whilst we were broken up. The truth of it was, he'd had 1 before he'd broken up with me, then another when we were broken up. As well as having a casual sex buddy. The worst thing was that there was this girl that he's decided he really liked just a couple of weeks after breaking up with me, she turned him down because she didn't want to be a re-bound. A few weeks later was when we got back together. I then found out that a month ago he kissed this girl again. We were together. I'm just so upset that he's lied and cheated and I never thought him capable. The person that I knew is gone I think. I'm so sad, I didn't give him time to explain properly, he tried to sit me down and told me that he was really drunk and doesn't remember it. I didn't want to hear anymore. Being drunk isn't an excuse. Something has poisoned the loving caring and sweet person that I fell in love with 3 years ago. And the last 6 months feel like a lie. I don't understand what changed after summer. It's like he hit 3rd year of uni and was replaced with a liar and a cheat. The thing that hurt the most is that he didn't even follow me out the door when I left, and he didn't check to see I'd got home ok. I struggled to forgive him for the supposed one night stands when I took him back, but I did and we agreed to work together to get over those dark 2 months we were apart, because they weren't good for either of us. He promised and promised over and over that he would never hurt me like that again, and now he has. And the worst part? I still love him and I still want to be with him, but I don't think it would be good for me.
denxnis Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Despite everyone's previous advice you did the opposite and got back with your ex, I honestly don't see a point in anyone giving you a response. My guess is you need to do something to build up your self-confidence because this is just sad. 1
somecamel Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Alot of us learn the hard way so I wouldn't take the above post too harshly. It's pretty obvious that this guy cannot be trusted and he keeps on mucking around with your emotions. You're not going to stop loving him straight away so don't punish yourself that you are still in love. Only you can change this and as sad as it's going to be you need to go into hardcore NC, at least give yourself some time for your benefit, not his. It's going to be hard but always come back here when you're feeling down and need support. 2
David87 Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Your relationship is toxic and you need to remove yourself from it. He cheated on you, he lied and treated you with no respect more than once, why do you still want to be with such a person?
Author Isadora Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 Despite everyone's previous advice you did the opposite and got back with your ex, I honestly don't see a point in anyone giving you a response. My guess is you need to do something to build up your self-confidence because this is just sad. I came to this forum for support and advice, not further abuse. I had mixed replies from the post before, and I guess you've never been in love otherwise you would understand why I forgave him the first time. I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm an idiot. I'm looking for reasurrance that things will be ok in the end.
Author Isadora Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 Alot of us learn the hard way so I wouldn't take the above post too harshly. It's pretty obvious that this guy cannot be trusted and he keeps on mucking around with your emotions. You're not going to stop loving him straight away so don't punish yourself that you are still in love. Only you can change this and as sad as it's going to be you need to go into hardcore NC, at least give yourself some time for your benefit, not his. It's going to be hard but always come back here when you're feeling down and need support. Thank you, I think I need to remind myself that I'm in love with the person he was before, not the person he is now. 1
David87 Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I came to this forum for support and advice, not further abuse. I had mixed replies from the post before, and I guess you've never been in love otherwise you would understand why I forgave him the first time. I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm an idiot. I'm looking for reasurrance that things will be ok in the end. Of Course it will be ok sweety. You're not an idiot you're just in love and love makes you do stupid things. I hope that you'll know what to do in the future and go NC. I can relate to your pain because I was just like you 2 months ago. 2
Annie767 Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Some camel is right you can't just switch off your emotions and you will be very very attached to this guy. Attachment is the most powerful emotion in the human race.......we used to need it to survive! Now you know you can survive and flourish perfectly without this man. It's time to think about what you want from a relationship, you're about to finish Uni and harder times will come when you embark on careers.....will you trust him through those stresses and strains? Being in your early twenties these days isn't easy. I only know because I've been on the merry go round as well, 3 years great then the last year I hung around wasting a perfectly good year being treated like a lodger. Waiting for him to commit - it didn't happen and he dumped me. What does your gut say? Probably that this isn't right. Listen to it. 1
CapturedMemories Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 (edited) Alot of us learn the hard way so I wouldn't take the above post too harshly. It's pretty obvious that this guy cannot be trusted and he keeps on mucking around with your emotions. You're not going to stop loving him straight away so don't punish yourself that you are still in love. Only you can change this and as sad as it's going to be you need to go into hardcore NC, at least give yourself some time for your benefit, not his. It's going to be hard but always come back here when you're feeling down and need support. This I second 100% One of my first serious relationships was like yours. Around the same age. My ex cheated on me, we tried to work it out. My trust was damaged I tried my best to forgive but he was still ''too loose''. I stayed with him for the sake of thinking I was stable to look pass all the misery. Until one day we both knew it was the end. My self worth punched me in the face to walk. Moved back to my mom. No contact, nada. Went back to uni and 200% committed to that and myself. It went bumpy back then real bumpy, but I made it. I actually learned it's OK to be alone. Personally a relationship is a luxury not a primary need if it adds a tremendous value to my life then I'm open to whoever crosses my path and will work hard for love. But at some point you also have to tell yourself, til here and no further. I know if I had stayed with my ex back then I wouldve stayed in a neverending circle. I came across a quote a while back '''Don't try repairing your heart by the hands that broke it before''. This doesn't apply to everyone but I think it does in most cases. And yes yes yes you're gut will always be your best friend. I'm now going through another break up, 6 years later. And I'm coping real different than I did back then. Break ups regardless the reasons are never easy or overcome within 1 day, but look out for the #1 and that's YOU. Chin up Edited February 19, 2014 by CapturedMemories 2
mantlefan Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I am really into the show House of Cards (found it after my breakup and it is really helpful for exploring the mechanics of deception and betrayal), and the main character said "the gift of a good liar is making people think you lack the talent for lying." We both got played by someone like this. I thought my ex was the most wonderful, kind, honest person. Then I find out about all of her lies. Love does make you do stupid things, like David said. I fought so hard for my ex when she had already moved on. I never found this site until 5 months after the break up, but very quickly after getting here I found a very profound question: "Why would you want to go after someone who doesn't want to go after you?" Once you realize that, you will be able to see when love rather than good judgment is influencing your decision. 1
mirage12 Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 (edited) Once you break up once, things will never quite be the same way they were. One night stands? Cheating on you? If that's true, no matter what you're feeling you shouldn't get back with him. A guy who really loves you wouldn't do things like that to you, whatever his excuse might be. You deserve better. Edited February 19, 2014 by mirage12 1
radiodarcy Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 All of us who have been in love have been there - - giving the ones we love too many chances when they are not warranted. I put up with all kinds of awful treatment from me ex for 2.5 years. I didn't even give myself the dignity of walking out. He dumped me. It's good that you see that his actions - - or lack thereof - - are an indicator of how his feelings for you had changed. If he really had a valid explanation (although I doubt there is one) for cheating he would have at least followed up with you to plead his case. But he didn't. That's all the confirmation you need to move forward. In some ways NC may be easier this time. Because now you know for sure they type of person you were involved with and that he is not someone you want in your life anymore. 2
Sandy99 Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 You're showing classic signs of being "in love" with somebody, which really has a lot of parallels with being addicted to somebody/something and you're trying to wean yourself off, and so you are having withdrawal symptoms and separation anxiety right now. You just have to ride out these feelings. They go away in no time at all and are replaced with much more rational thoughts (in about 3 to 6 months usually). Don't let yourself be a slave to your withdrawal symptoms. The sleepless nights, and inability to cope will go away. This guy seems determined to not only hurt you, but himself. I'd remove yourself from the whole equation or he will continue to hurt you. You don't really have to concern yourself with why your ex started cheating and things like that. He seems confused and lost right now, and so things have just changed. You'll probably never really know why things changed for him. I would stay away from him or he'll continue to hurt you. If you want to be hurt, cheated on repeatedly, and driven crazy...stay with him. If you want to feel in control of your life, peaceful and respected, don't answer this guy's calls. Let him go out and make his own mistakes without you being the one to suffer from them. Good luck! 2
Author Isadora Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 Thank you for all your support! I genuinely teared up a bit at the lovely responses. I can't bring myself to go NC on Facebook, I don't want to change my relationship status, and he hasn't changed it yet either. I don't want to remove him as a friend, I did it last time we broke up though. This time it feels different. Maybe because I broke up with him. I don't know what I'm hoping to get from keeping his as a friend. My friend's have already deleted him from their Facebook's after they heard what he did, It's hard to cut the line so clean when they've been such a huge part of your life for so long.
Kopite Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Isadora, I hope you can one day realise how badly you are being treated. Don't fall for his traps. You deserve better. The guy is a bastard, end of. Once you realise this, the anger will come I am sure. I feel angry at him just by reading what he has done. 1
Saurren Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 You put yourself out to be a very weak victim and it makes me sympathize, and please don't take back a cheater. You'll regret it when you get a STI or a STD and for god sake he doesn't even respect you. 1
CapturedMemories Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 It sounds like you are pretty tight with your friends, that could be simple step 1 to help you overcome your pain. And you don't even need 10 of them They helped me, literally dragging me out of bed when I was a mess the first week back then. And hand on heart they have played a big part in my recovery. Perhaps you have some hobby's or things you like doing in spare time that maybe has been in the background, try pick it up or do something entirely new. Sports, crafting etc maybe try play an instrument? I decided to go swimming with couple of my friends 1-2 a week. I've took on my moms dog for example at my house some days for company, take long walks etc. When you've been with somebody for so long it gets really hard to let them go. You're young, you have your whole life ahead. Going back and forth, will cause you to miss opportunities and waste years of dating of finding that person that does treat you for the woman you are/will be. It really depends on the individual but the day I realized I was over my ex back then, felt so different, ready for a fresh start. Ofcourse he was and will always be a memory, but at least I didn't sell my soul to somebody who took me for granted. Trust me when that day comes you feel totally re-born and renewed from all this, there are men/boys who will then ''smell'' you're available lol. Life is definitely about making choices and taking risks. But I think it's a bigger risk of not taking the risk in the first place 1
Author Isadora Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 It sounds like you are pretty tight with your friends, that could be simple step 1 to help you overcome your pain. And you don't even need 10 of them They helped me, literally dragging me out of bed when I was a mess the first week back then. And hand on heart they have played a big part in my recovery. Perhaps you have some hobby's or things you like doing in spare time that maybe has been in the background, try pick it up or do something entirely new. Sports, crafting etc maybe try play an instrument? I decided to go swimming with couple of my friends 1-2 a week. I've took on my moms dog for example at my house some days for company, take long walks etc. When you've been with somebody for so long it gets really hard to let them go. You're young, you have your whole life ahead. Going back and forth, will cause you to miss opportunities and waste years of dating of finding that person that does treat you for the woman you are/will be. It really depends on the individual but the day I realized I was over my ex back then, felt so different, ready for a fresh start. Ofcourse he was and will always be a memory, but at least I didn't sell my soul to somebody who took me for granted. Trust me when that day comes you feel totally re-born and renewed from all this, there are men/boys who will then ''smell'' you're available lol. Life is definitely about making choices and taking risks. But I think it's a bigger risk of not taking the risk in the first place Thank you for this lovely reply! I do have some of the best friends, and I've really appreciated them the last few days. I think they've helped me more than anything I think sometimes during my relationship I forgot that my friends are just as, if not more important than my boyfriend. I hope one day I will meet someone that doesn't take me for granted, but for now I couldn't even think about dating anyone else I guess it just takes time. It's scary to go back out into the world of risks, but your last sentence helps to put it into perspective for me! 1
Author Isadora Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 So I finally plucked up the courage and blocked him on Facebook. Now I just feel sad. 2
Lifegoezon Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Right thing to do - well done. He's no good for you (or probably anyone - he won't change) and you are better off without him. When you're sad don't wallow in thoughts of how great it all was - remind yourself of what he did to you. It IS a choice. Get mad. Ask yourself why would you want to be with someone who treats you that way? If you met someone new and they offered you that deal would you say yes? Of course not! Don't make allowances because you love him. You deserve much better - don't settle for less.
No Limit Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I came to this forum for support and advice, not further abuse. No one here abuses you, we criticize you. You've received plenty of advise which would have made you avoid all of your current heartache, by now you would have probably even found a real man. And yet you decided to go against it, as you are entitled to do, but don't come back and cry wolf and bite us for trying to give you rational input. Of course you're still attracted to him, and this feeling won't be gone tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow. That's where you have to do your job for yourself; go out with friends, do hobbies, focus on yourself. Patience.
Author Isadora Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 No one here abuses you, we criticize you. You've received plenty of advise which would have made you avoid all of your current heartache, by now you would have probably even found a real man. And yet you decided to go against it, as you are entitled to do, but don't come back and cry wolf and bite us for trying to give you rational input. Of course you're still attracted to him, and this feeling won't be gone tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow. That's where you have to do your job for yourself; go out with friends, do hobbies, focus on yourself. Patience. The post I got upset about was because it said that he didn't see why anyone should help me. That was upsetting. I didn't avoid all the advice from before! If you read my thread about when we got back together, a lot of people reminded me that technically he hadn't done anything wrong in sleeping with other girls whilst we were broken up. Some of the advice was that if I could forgive him then a relationship could work. People were saying 'he realized his mistake, and came back for you' etc. I did forgive the guy, because I love him. It wasn't until a week ago I found out about the lies and the cheating, and that's when I walked out. I'm trying to focus on myself and get better in fact I'm so busy in the day with dancing that it's a good distraction. The evening's when I'm alone aren't great though. I feel a longing and I really miss the person he used to be. I guess it's a bit like grieving for someone because I know the person I loved is gone, and has been gone the last couple of months.
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