whatdoido83 Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 This is a long story, so I'm going to dwindle it down for you as much as possible. I'm a 30 y/o woman, in a relationship with a 36 y/o man, we've been together for 12 years. About 7 years ago, we moved to a new place, I didn't know anyone, I didn't have a job yet, it was my first move away from "home", and I ended up talking to another woman online. This quickly grew into something more than just a friendship and I found myself in love with her. She flew across the country to meet me (I'm from NY -she's from CA) and this went back and forth for sometime. Her and my bf eventually started talking, once he found out about the situation, he definitely wasn't pleased at first, but they found common ground and developed their own relationship. Fast forward a bit, she moved in with us. Things seemed ok at first, but then she started showing signs of extreme jealousy (counting condoms, going through the trash looking for wrappers, getting mad if we spent time together without her) things that weren't "normal" for the situation we were in. Found out she had Borderline Personality Disorder, at the time didn't know much about it, she started taking meds to regulate her moods, helped minimally but she ended up moving out in the middle of the night in a fit of jealousy. Fast forward again, she lives back in CA now, and we've "rekindled" things a few times, I have visited her there, she has visited here, she's been in therapy and acted as though she could deal with jealousy better, loves us both, etc, wanted to come back here. I went to visit her in Sept, things went great, yet she broke it off again right around the time of my anniversary with my boyfriend, which obviously triggered her jealousy and she decided she can not share and doesn't want to continue this. So, my bf has decided that if I speak to her again, he will end our relationship as this has caused a lot of drama and discontent in our lives. I have tried very hard to move on, and I can't stop obsessing over her. I love her, and I want to be with her, but I love him too. I've been with him for my entire adult life, he is my family and I don't want to leave him. All I wanted was to be able to help her overcome her jealousy, so we could all be happy together.. but I see that is impossible at this point. I just feel trapped and hurt all the time, and I don't know what to do. I'm not looking to be judged or berated, trust me I've done that enough to myself.. I started therapy to help sort this out but it's on my mind constantly .. I want to talk to her constantly, I miss her constantly. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.
Tayken Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I am not going to judge...but this sounds all messed up. You are 30yrs old, and you've been in a relationship with an older guy for 12yrs. So am guessing daddy issues, and the older guy was there "to offer what was missing" Anyway.....You could have achieved a lot in those 12yrs, don't know if you did? It seems by the sound of things, you have got yourself into a bigger mess. A relationship is not what you need right now, you need to discover who you are first, and carve out a road map for your future. YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL like you have to depend on someone to live, the moment you feel that way about yourself, there will be let downs, pains and sorrow. Try to make something of your life and prove that a cycle doesn't need to continue and that you are bigger than that.....you can be a role model for others in your situation. NOTE: I call things as I see them, am not the type to whisper sweet FA into your ears i.e. tell you exactly what you want to hear. It just won't be me and I'll be lying
Author whatdoido83 Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 6 years isn't really that drastic of an age difference... It's not like I am sitting home doing nothing. I have a career, and friends, family and hobbies. I just love two people. So assuming I have daddy issues because of a 6 year age gap seems pretty close-minded. I don't need these people to live, I won't die without them, but I love them, and I can't help how I feel.
Tayken Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Well ...Like I said, I call things as I see them, doesn't mean it's the gospel. You did post and ask for advice, and I threw in my 2c Others might come along and tell you what you are expecting to hear. Have a nice day
Author whatdoido83 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 By that rationale you would attribute anyone with a what, 5 or more year age difference in their relationship to have a mommy or daddy issue? I fail to see how that applies to my situation. I'm not looking for someone to tell me "what I want to hear" as there isn't really a clear cut answer that will enable me to have both relationships and be happy. I'm just curious if there is anyone else out there who has been through something similar, or has any advice that's helpful. But thanks for the effort.
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