Syconort Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 (edited) The situation: I've known the girl about 10 years, but haven't seen much of her over that time (I moved away for 6 years). She's friends with my friends, but I've very much been on the sidelines because I wasn't around much. Her boyfriend I've known for a couple of years, but only seen him a few times. He's a decent guy, and we live in the same town. It's like a very large group of people who know each other and might consider each other distant friends. They split up once (he split up with her) after a few years, then I think she split up with him, they are back together again now, and I would think it's only a matter of time before they break up again. I have been fond of her for years. She's caring and generous, thoughtful, funny, great personality. I didn't realise she was back with her ex, and had commented on a few of her statuses on FB since moving back to town. She does some volunteering... and invited me along. I just don't know how to take it. I'm sure she knows I like her, but I've never been direct about it. I certainly don't want to destroy her relationship, but I just don't see them staying together. Is this an invitation from her? Should I be honest about my feelings to not give her the wrong impression, or just be a friend? Can anyone help out on perhaps how she might be playing this? Her BF doesn't volunteer, so this would mean some alone face-to-face time with her. I don't believe in the friendzone (she was friends with her current BF before going out, and her BF before him). I just don't know if I can hide my feelings much longer. Any help appreciated! Edited February 17, 2014 by Syconort
salparadise Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Go on the volunteering thing and pay her plenty of attention. Ask her to go for something to eat or a drink afterward. Treat her like a girlfriend, not a platonic friend. She will send signals but it's up to you to read them. If she gives you the go ahead then ask her out. If she tries to do the just friends routine then back off and wait for her to reengage with a better offer. If her relationship is an on/off thing I wouldn't worry about interfering. If she's willing then she's fair game.
Author Syconort Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 Thanks. The place where she volunteers has plenty of similar, charitable women. I had suspected that maybe she is trying to get me hitched (being a friend). But I'm really not interested in dating strangers when she is right in front of me. Maybe that is the perfect opportunity to show her that I care by keeping my attention on her. What I'm trying to avoid, which I'm finding very difficult, is romanticising the whole thing. I'll definitely update this thread once I've seen her later this week.
Author Syconort Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 Any other pearls of wisdom? I really do care about this girl, but I obviously don't want to get involved while she is still with someone. My main problem is even if I wait, then try to swoop in and show interest, then I might be someone to rebound off or a creepy bystander watching her relationships. Should I just tell her how I feel and leave it at that? What happens happens, least then she knows how I feel. Thoughts?
deathandtaxes Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 She's being friendly in asking you to come along and volunteer with her. It's not a date. Don't think of if that way. If you can't be her friend without lusting after her and wanting to date her, don't go volunteer with her. You really need to talk to her about how you feel.
Author Syconort Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 She's being friendly in asking you to come along and volunteer with her. It's not a date. Don't think of if that way. If you can't be her friend without lusting after her and wanting to date her, don't go volunteer with her. You really need to talk to her about how you feel. Let me be very clear about this: I am not going to volunteer to get on her good side. I am a complete person. I do not need validation from somebody else, and I am not trying to fill a void. Thankfully, I have grown up, and I'm ready for a grown up relationship. I'm mainly excited about this opportunity to volunteer because I've always thought of volunteering, and I'm a generous person, I'd love to help people/animals... yet I never did. Why? Because I was stuck in this fantasy land where everything happened tomorrow. She represents something I admire: she doesn't just say she's going to volunteer for 6 months, she goes out and does it. That kinda stuff inspires me, and it's about time I stop talking **** and speak with my actions. I'm just so damn conflicted because I don't want to throw a spanner into the works and possibly disrupt her already shaky relationship by sharing my feelings, but at the same time I cannot pretend I'm only interested in her as a friend. Her invitation has kinda thrown a decision at me. I think I already know the right thing to do, was just looking for other views. Thanks for your response.
emva07 Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 ugh, I just went through this with one of my friends (the wanting to be more than friends part, he didn't have an ex) It's always frustrating....at times I thought he liked me, at times I wasn't sure but deep down inside I knew he did. Finally I told him how I felt and he told me he thinks I'm super attractive, amazing personality and that he appreciates and loves that he can count on me as a friend. Yes, it hurt...but at the end of the day I have 100% closure on the situation. Most of my friends tell me he liked me but for some reason he said he didn't feel the same way. That may be true, or may not be true, but all I can do now is take it for what he said and move on. I have a first date tomorrow with a guy who really likes me so all I can do now is focus my attention on giving him a good date with me.
Author Syconort Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 ugh, I just went through this with one of my friends (the wanting to be more than friends part, he didn't have an ex) It's always frustrating....at times I thought he liked me, at times I wasn't sure but deep down inside I knew he did. Finally I told him how I felt and he told me he thinks I'm super attractive, amazing personality and that he appreciates and loves that he can count on me as a friend. Yes, it hurt...but at the end of the day I have 100% closure on the situation. Most of my friends tell me he liked me but for some reason he said he didn't feel the same way. That may be true, or may not be true, but all I can do now is take it for what he said and move on. I have a first date tomorrow with a guy who really likes me so all I can do now is focus my attention on giving him a good date with me. Sorry to hear! That's it, gotta be prepared for rejection. I'd rather be rejected than not say anything.
emva07 Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Sorry to hear! That's it, gotta be prepared for rejection. I'd rather be rejected than not say anything. Thanks. yeah, because then you will wonder "what if" for who knows how long, creating unnecessary stress, frustration, wonder, etc etc. At least with the rejection you know. DONE. If they change their mind that's on them, you have moved on. 1
Winter blue Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 (edited) I have been to your position before, and I wanna say stay away as far as you can. They are having an on and off relationship, but they are still in a relationship, he is still around, what do you expect to get from all this? Yeah you think you might have a chance, but is it worth it? As you have described it, it's a small town and everyone knows everyone, what if it doesn't end well, have you thought about your reputation? I'm not asking you to hide your love to her, I used to think the same to myself. I falled for a friend while she was in another relationship, I hided my emotion for six months eventually I told her while they were on a break, she told me she liked me but still wanted to make that relationship work. fair enough, at least I said it. But then guess what, a month later we started falling for each other and feelings developed, she left the guy for me (that's something I'm not so proud of), because, another month later she went back to him. What I'm trying to tell you here is, you are risking at putting yourself on an emotional roller coaster, she obviously still has feelings for this guy hence why the on-and-off. Yes she might like you, but her feeling to the bf sounds strong enough to have the relationship keep going. Trust me, you don't want to get involved with her at this stage. When I was with the girl I mentioned above, I remember one day I asked her out for drinks (as friends), she ended up ditching a date with her then bf to hang out with me. Did I feel good? at that time yes, it was a huge ego boost. But now I look at it, if she could do that to her then bf (like lying to him, she told him she is to hang out with work colleagues) , what makes you think she will not do the same to you if you are in a relationship. My advice to you OP, stay away from girls who are still in a relationship, or recently broke up, it's just recipe for heartbreak. Edited February 22, 2014 by Winter blue
mammasita Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I'm gonna play devils advocate. She's in an on again off again relationship with this guy so she's obviously not going to walk away from him permanently should she give you a chance. Are you willing to be a space filler since she's obviously caught in some dysfunctional not able to let go type of thing with this other guy? If your answer is yes, then go for it, but I suspect from what you say you're looking for more.....I don't think she's gonna be it.
Author Syconort Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 Bummer. Feelings are feelings. I'm not hiding them for much longer. What will be will be and so long as I don't center my whole world on her, and I am subtle (so as to not disrupt their relationship), then I think all will be well in the end. I'm willing to suffer heartbreak if that's what it takes, I just don't want to cause her any. Thanks for your responses above.
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