whatdoido83 Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 This is a long story, so I'm going to dwindle it down for you as much as possible. I'm a 30 y/o woman, in a relationship with a 36 y/o man, we've been together for 12 years. About 7 years ago, we moved to a new place, I didn't know anyone, I didn't have a job yet, it was my first move away from "home", and I ended up talking to another woman online. This quickly grew into something more than just a friendship and I found myself in love with her. She flew across the country to meet me (I'm from NY -she's from CA) and this went back and forth for sometime. Her and my bf eventually started talking, once he found out about the situation, he definitely wasn't pleased at first, but they found common ground and developed their own relationship. Fast forward a bit, she moved in with us. Things seemed ok at first, but then she started showing signs of extreme jealousy (counting condoms, going through the trash looking for wrappers, getting mad if we spent time together without her) things that weren't "normal" for the situation we were in. Found out she had Borderline Personality Disorder, at the time didn't know much about it, she started taking meds to regulate her moods, helped minimally but she ended up moving out in the middle of the night in a fit of jealousy. Fast forward again, she lives back in CA now, and we've "rekindled" things a few times, I have visited her there, she has visited here, she's been in therapy and acted as though she could deal with jealousy better, loves us both, etc, wanted to come back here. I went to visit her in Sept, things went great, yet she broke it off again right around the time of my anniversary with my boyfriend, which obviously triggered her jealousy and she decided she can not share and doesn't want to continue this. So, my bf has decided that if I speak to her again, he will end our relationship as this has caused a lot of drama and discontent in our lives. I have tried very hard to move on, and I can't stop obsessing over her. I love her, and I want to be with her, but I love him too. I've been with him for my entire adult life, he is my family and I don't want to leave him. All I wanted was to be able to help her overcome her jealousy, but I see that is impossible at this point. I just feel trapped and hurt all the time, and I don't know what to do. I'm not looking to be judged or berated, trust me I've done that enough to myself.. I started therapy to help sort this out but it's on my mind constantly .. I want to talk to her constantly, I miss her constantly. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Speaking as the ex of a man with BPD, I can tell you that you can't help her overcome her jealousy. This condition is traumatizing to both the sufferer and their loved ones, as I'm sure you've discovered. Only she, together with intensive therapy, can overcome her jealousy..and there's a real possibility she never fully will. I have zero experience with polyamorous relationships, so I can't comment much on that. I can only say that you have to decide which person you want more in your life because your current boyfriend has made it clear that you cannot have both. If you decide to stay with him, you need to cut all ties with her. Have you deleted her number? Deleted or blocked her from any social media? 1
Author whatdoido83 Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 Yes, it has been traumatizing. I'm wondering if that is why I'm having such a difficult time letting go. At the same time, I worry about her well being, and I know that she is having a hard time on her own. But I can't be the hero and save her, and save my current relationship, and maintain my sanity at the same time. I've blocked her on everything, but if I want to talk to her, I will find a way.. I know her number by heart, and she refuses to get a new one. Just the thought of never being able to talk to, see, touch or be with this person again is devastating. Yet, I feel the same way when I think about that with my bf, or her. I wish I could get amnesia at this point!
Downtown Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Yes, it has been traumatizing. I'm wondering if that is why I'm having such a difficult time letting go.One reason is that, because an untreated BPDer has the emotional development of a four year old, walking away can be as painful as leaving a young child who loves you. Your relationship was essentially that of parent/child, not GF/GF. Yet, as long as you stay with her, she will permit you to stay only as long as you continue to enable her. In that way, you would be harming her by keeping her from suffering the logical consequences of her own immature choices and actions. By leaving, you give her the best opportunity to have to confront her own issues and learn how to manage them. 2
Author whatdoido83 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 I agree, and this method has worked with her in other instances. It's such a complex disorder. My own therapist said it's a learned behavior and the majority of BPDers grow out of it in adulthood, usually not until the mid 30's. I definitely can't take another decade of this. Especially when she blames her feelings on the situation and not as a result of her disorder. It's like I'm the only one who wants her to be better. She just ignores it and pretends it isn't there. Oh why me? Lol.
Poppygoodwill Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Maybe it sounds overly simplistic, but when I am stuck between two things I always make a "pro" and 'con" list for each. Be ruthlessly honest with yourself about the positives and negatives that each person brings to your life. When you line the lists up next to one another - hers and his - chances are you will see pretty quickly what is the best course of action for you. Doing it might be hard, but at least you'll be clear on the right direction.
Downtown Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 My own therapist said it's a learned behavior and the majority of BPDers grow out of it in adulthood, usually not until the mid 30's.Sadly, he is mistaken. There is no evidence that anyone having BPD grows out of it. Granted, there is evidence that BPD traits mellow somewhat, starting in the forties. Indeed, they can mellow sufficiently that many BPDers are no longer diagnosed as having the full-blown disorder. That is, they no longer are diagnosed as "having BPD." Keep in mind, however, that a person satisfying 80% or 90% of the diagnostic guidelines can be nearly as impossible to live with as one satisfying 100%. Moreover, those guidelines were not established to meet the needs of people deciding whether to marry, or remain married, to a BPDer. Instead, the guidelines were largely established -- being set at a very high level -- to meet the needs of courts not wanting to institutionalize people, insurance companies not wanting to pay for treatment, and therapists not wanting to stigmatize people with a label. The APA committee that recently revised the diagnostic manual (last May) has recommended that the diagnostic methodology for BPD be fully replaced by a graduated approach (e.g., low, normal, moderate, strong, severe) that recognizes everyone has BPD traits to varying degrees.
Recommended Posts