getbusyliving Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Here's the deal: I broke up with my GF of ~6 months after we consistently argued about various issues due largely to our personality differences. She is emotional, needy and craves attention. I am not emotional (i.e. do not need my feelings validated or need to hear "I love you" every day) and crave independence and time to myself on a regular basis. We had some really good times and I love her family/friends, but we also had trouble finding things to talk about/do when it was just the two of us. She also had some dreams that were not compatible with my own (living in another country, adopting). She did not take the breakup well. About a month after the breakup, I met a girl that is basically my twin. Whereas things were consistently "hard" with my ex, things are very easy with the new girl. After dating for a couple of months, we haven't argued about anything, she hasn't demonstrated any needy behavior, and I can see things getting serious. The Problem: For reasons unknown, I miss my ex. This is unique because I haven't missed any of my exes. I move on quickly and thats why I need advice. I guess Im just wondering if I gave up too easily with my ex, and I wonder what could have been if we were able to work out our differences. I also don't want to screw up something that could be great and easy with the new girl. Anyone have some sage advice? Thanks for reading.
Never Again Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 All I'll say is this: Problems within the first 6 months of a relationship, specifically arguing and compatibility issues, is a warning sign. Maybe not a big one...since you had to have good communication to get to that point so early, but you should've been in your love-dovey "honeymoon phase" and not had to deal with those issues quite yet. However, moving on quickly from ex's suggests a lack of real investment. Also, you're possibly in the "honeymoon" with your new girl...which is why everything seems so great. My last couple of ex's were "twins" until the rose colored glasses came off. Honestly, the fights with your ex might've "bonded" you to her in a deeper way because you communicated. It doesn't mean you want her back, but it does mean that you should tread carefully in your current situation - any remaining feelings could drastically damage this future you see if you get too close too fast.
rosedl Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I don't know your history, so this is just a thought. Do you have issues around commitment? If you are with a compatible woman who is a good fit and starting now to think about your ex, it might be because when things get serious and other options start to close, you crave what you don't have. I was involved with a severely commitment phobic man and he viewed me as needy even though we lived apart, I have more friends and outside supports then him, I didn't demand marriage, I didn't care if he had separate interests. I did however want a commitment to stay in the relationship and work towards increasing intimacy. He bolted. If you have any type of this history and desire to have a partner, it is imperative you look at this because it can lead to a lifetime of repeating behavior and loneliness. It did with my ex who is in his mid 50s and still repeating the pattern. My guess is he dies alone. Good luck. And, if this is not pertinent, disregard.
Author getbusyliving Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 I don't know your history, so this is just a thought. Do you have issues around commitment? If you are with a compatible woman who is a good fit and starting now to think about your ex, it might be because when things get serious and other options start to close, you crave what you don't have. I was involved with a severely commitment phobic man and he viewed me as needy even though we lived apart, I have more friends and outside supports then him, I didn't demand marriage, I didn't care if he had separate interests. I did however want a commitment to stay in the relationship and work towards increasing intimacy. He bolted. If you have any type of this history and desire to have a partner, it is imperative you look at this because it can lead to a lifetime of repeating behavior and loneliness. It did with my ex who is in his mid 50s and still repeating the pattern. My guess is he dies alone. Good luck. And, if this is not pertinent, disregard. Thank you for the reply. You make a great point, and I probably have some commitment problems, but my long term relationships have ended mostly because of personality and goal differences. I do want to be married and I know relationships are tough, I just worry that in the end, personalities don't change and I don't want to be resented if my ex feels like she's not getting exactly what she wants. Thanks again.
Author getbusyliving Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 You miss the drama...move on. You could be right, I had to deal with a lot of her emotional ups and downs and I may be interpreting that incorrectly as stronger feelings for her. Thanks for the reply.
rosedl Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 In any relationship, you are going to have some issues of conflict and problems. In fact, often a good relationship will help move you to see and understand where your struggles truly lie. Far too often, people mistake that place of struggle as something wrong with the relationship. My sister is a recognized leaders in couple's therapy and conflict. She often says you pick your set of problems with any relationship and must realize there will be issues with any person. The couples she said who have the highest rate of success and report the most content are the ones who accept this fact and view relationships as the good, bad, ugly and devote to it. People with commitment issues sometimes get in a double bind. Those who share their fear of commitment and give lots of freedom often don't offer the emotional closeness and intimacy that the person really craves However, a person who will meet those needs also will present a real challenge because commitment phobia is about not being able to stay open and vulnerable and it is precisely the person a CP is most likely to push away. I would suggest stop trying to manage the other persons reactions and hold your self. In that place, you can weather whatever a relationship throws your way.
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