Never Again Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Well, it's as official as it gets. After bouncing around with several different potential diagnoses, my therapist finally landed on a dissociative anxiety disorder...essentially "PTSD-lite". This is not due to the breakup, but rather what led to it. Thankfully, I'm through the worst of it and am well on the road to recovery. Unfortunately, it cost me a LOT. I won't list the details of my situation again - I think I've done that quite enough and don't feel like being married to that misery. This relationship was short, all things considered, but it's the first one that I really put a lot of effort into and wanted to take "next steps" with. I let myself get bogged down by trauma, though, and didn't seek help when it mattered and instead chose to "tough it out". Symptoms I had Reliving: Flashbacks, hallucinations, and nightmares. Distress when certain things remind me of the trauma (dates, events, people). Avoiding: I avoided people (the girl I was seeing), places, thoughts, or situations that reminded me of the trauma. This can led to feelings of detachment and isolation from family and friends, as well as a loss of interest in activities I once enjoyed (visiting the girl I was seeing and going on dates). Increased arousal: I experienced excessive emotions. I had problems relating to others, and had trouble feeling or showing affection. I had horrible insomnia, was frequently irritable, had outbursts of anger and had difficulty concentrating. I also experienced constant fatigue and frequent anxiety attacks.
JDPT Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Yep- I know all about it, can be very uncomfortable at times with a sprinkle of anxiety. 1
Author Never Again Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 Yep- I know all about it, can be very uncomfortable at times with a sprinkle of anxiety. You suffered from it as well? I'd say I had more than a sprinkling of anxiety, haha.
JDPT Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 So many correlating and overlapping symptoms you know? We managed to narrow it down to PTSD. I refused to believe it until my therapist and I dug very deep into my past.
Author Never Again Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 So many correlating and overlapping symptoms you know? We managed to narrow it down to PTSD. I refused to believe it until my therapist and I dug very deep into my past. I completely understand you there - on both the overlapping symptoms and the denial. I knew SOMETHING was wrong when I was going through it, but refused to acknowledge it because I thought it was "just stress" and decided to try and ignore everything else (even "cloudy thinking" and occasional breakdown into tears). How're you coming along in your recovery from it?
JDPT Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I completely understand you there - on both the overlapping symptoms and the denial. I knew SOMETHING was wrong when I was going through it, but refused to acknowledge it because I thought it was "just stress" and decided to try and ignore everything else (even "cloudy thinking" and occasional breakdown into tears). How're you coming along in your recovery from it? I'm not certain if you ever come to terms with it. You simply accept the past for what it was without allowing it to define you or dictate your future. I personally think that's most important. Traumatic events occur to anyone. I used to envy those with an "ideal" childhood but have now understood that not everything is peaches and cream. I refuse to take meds for anything, I'll like to think venting is sufficient enough to understand the unknown. 1
Author Never Again Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 I'm not certain if you ever come to terms with it. You simply accept the past for what it was without allowing it to define you or dictate your future. I personally think that's most important. Traumatic events occur to anyone. I used to envy those with an "ideal" childhood but have now understood that not everything is peaches and cream. I refuse to take meds for anything, I'll like to think venting is sufficient enough to understand the unknown. I suppose I consider acceptance to the point of truly "coping" to be dealing with it properly, in a way. But I see your point and why you consider that important. I only really had a few months in the hellhole. Things come and go, but late-March into Early-June were the worst for me. Reliving a suicide and blaming myself, breaking down, the like. I also refuse to be medicated, though I probably could've used a low, tapering dosage when everything hit. I vented about EVERYTHING except the core problem at the time, and I've only come to acknowledge the real issue within the last few months.
chelsea2011 Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Glad you found some answers. Hope it aides in your recovery. I can totally relate.
Author Never Again Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 Glad you found some answers. Hope it aides in your recovery. I can totally relate. It has been both a blessing and a curse. It's sort of awful to think that I lost the best relationship I'd ever had because I was having trouble relating to her and feeling/showing affection. I was in the absolute worst of it, in a HUGE depressive rut, for 6-8 weeks, and it was somewhat beyond my control. Had I thought to seek help earlier, or open up about it, or had interest in maintaining the both or seeing/connecting with her, perhaps things would be different. But, it's nice to have a "why" for my end of things. To know why I was so avoidant and acted the way I did.
AnyaNova Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Though I was given the official diagnosis of PTSD years ago, I really wonder sometimes if the DID might have actually been more accurate for me. I have to agree that medicating for this does not seem to be an effective solution. Until you face the stuff head on, you are still going to be plagued by symptoms. Even sometimes, symptoms that you didn't even know until later actually were. Continue to take care of yourself through this! I know one thing that has really helped me is trying to find meaning. Some thing that I can hold on to that makes the suffering bearable. *hugs* I hope you continue to heal! 2
Author Never Again Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 Though I was given the official diagnosis of PTSD years ago, I really wonder sometimes if the DID might have actually been more accurate for me. I have to agree that medicating for this does not seem to be an effective solution. Until you face the stuff head on, you are still going to be plagued by symptoms. Even sometimes, symptoms that you didn't even know until later actually were. Continue to take care of yourself through this! I know one thing that has really helped me is trying to find meaning. Some thing that I can hold on to that makes the suffering bearable. *hugs* I hope you continue to heal! Identifying what I was going through and the symptoms has been a pretty lengthy process. If anything, I was avoiding facing the REAL issues - my feelings of guilt over the suicide, the depression and fear of intimacy it caused, etc - and all that denial, that avoidance of facing the issues head on, allowed me to rationalize bad behavior instead of identifying them as symptoms of a much deeper issue. Thank you for the well wishes. I'm doing better than I was when this all started - though the more clarity I gain, the more I seem to hold myself responsible for the demise of my last relationship. Ah well. So it goes.
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