Raf90 Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 (edited) Ill start by talking about about myself I'm 23 and my experience with women is 0. From 1 to 10 id give myself a 6, im not hot but i dont think i am ugly, didnt really have any 'looks' judges aside from myself. For some reason people think im gay, few people that i know told me that when they first met me they thought i was gay, and the majority of the people that thought this were girls. Its probably due to the fact that i look like a 16 year old who still has no facial hair at all and looks like he still needs to hit puberty. Since after middleschool, i've been homschooled, so growing up i didnt have any friends, at all, which led me to closing in myself, becoming apathetic, socially akward and so on... I've only really dated 2 girls, and by dated i mean went on a single date. I was 16 the time i went on a date with the first girl. Though She didnt exactly know it was a date actually, because of how i masterminded it. I basically tricked her, throught my mom (who also didnt know it was a date), to come to the cinema with me, with the excuse that all my other 'friends' were busy. At the end it ended up simply just like 2 people that know each other going to the movies. Clearly i didnt try any moves or flirts, the fact that i was already out with a female that wasnt my mother was a giant step for me, and even though the only person that knew that this thing was a date was me, it still made me feel like i've made a massive step foward to manliness. The second date happened 6 years later, which was last year (complete nonthingness inbetween), i went out with this girl i randomly met at comic-con, she invited me, i would have never had the courage to ask anybody out. Ill just say that at the end of the date she called me weird, and she didnt mean weird in a cute way, she meant it quite seriously. It was because i spent most of the time talking about World of Warcraft and underground internet which is the home of many bad things. Not exactly first date chatting material. Considering i panic at just the thought of asking someone out, the idea of actually having to withstand a full conversation with another human being of the opposite sex, who happens to have somewhat of an interest towards me, for a whole evening, is just more than i can handle. So i just started talking about stuff that came to mind, without thinking of what i was actually talking about, so i ended up talking about gaming and contract killers (and a bunch of other weird stuff i better not mention). Clearly this killed what was left of my self confidence. This is basically all the experience i have with women, so technically, i never really asked a girl out on a date. The thing is, even though im an introvert, im actually quite easy to relationate and talk to, you can talk to me about everything and you will be able to have a decent conversation, the thing is i go into panic when there are expectations, like on a date for example. There was this one time last year where i tried to exit my confort zone and approached this girl i found attractive, she didnt notice me as she was turned around, but when was the moment to speak up, my vocal cords refused to make any sound, i completely froze and after 10 seconds i just walked away, this was the closest ever i got to ask a girl out/make a move. I know you would say in this case ''well, then think of it as having no expectations'', but if you think of it, if you are really interested in someone, how can you not have any kind of expectation? If you dont it means you are not interested in that person. Also, i did think quite alot lately, and i keep thinking that i do want to date and make experiences, fall in love etc. But at the same time i dont want to. I think of all the pros like love, the emotions, the physical and mental bond. And i think of the cons which would be all the expectations, the sacrifices, the fights, the responsabilities etc. And they end up nulliffying each other, which make me even more unsure, about everything. I dont mind being alone, even if for my whole life, i've made it alone for over a decade, so im really used to this kind of life. But as i said, i've been thinking lately, which made me unsure of actually wanting more. So im just looking for some tips, maye some advice from people who experienced similar dilemmas, you know, how you got throught it and what choices you made to get to where you are now, how to get over the fear of expectations? Edited February 17, 2014 by Raf90
TheNewMe2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Respectfully, I'm trying to understand if you are serious or not. Your responses to some other posters are written different and with more insight. Be happy to provide some context or perspective if I felt this was a serious post.
todreaminblue Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 (edited) interesting set out post......says me who writes with ellipses.... i had to respond to say something about your poetic construction of your story...coolness....epic now as far as freezing up with girls go maybe if you did a toastmasters group or where you had to speak impromptu it would be good fro you.....girls and women are human just like you ....everyone has experienced moments of social awkwardness or shyness.....or they wouldnt be human so you are in a very large group.... your continued awkwardness is probably due to lack of social contact....you have to put yourself out there even if you stuff up royally, you have to do it....i have these moments of complete stuff ups and foot in mouth disease, i tend to open up more than i should its part of my condition its called being deb...i am schizo affective or a multiple personality havent decided what i am, doctors seem to guess so i am who i am......and yep unmedicated ...... due to this i can stuff up royally trust me... havent had problems with the opposite sex because ...well...dont know.......i would like to believe its my honesty and personality shines through........that they see the heart of me even though i can be awkward, my awkwardness i deal with by complete honesty its the way i make it through even though its awkward......... told the guy i am dating when i first met him he scared me s h i t less.......he was intimidating....so i told him that..rough scarred up and rugged tattoos everywhere.......when he confuses me i say hey you are confusing me can you explain what you mean or rephrase.........and he has been gentle with me ever since and patient...i am blessed that way most people are patient with me, those who matter anyway....another guy who scared me i told him when he came over to borrow me a juicer "hey sorry my hands are shaking"...he made me nervous.......that guy thinks i am a creep but you cant win them all.......he wasnt for me if you are nervous say so........say hey i feel nervous around you i am working on it...be endearing......with honest thoughts and feelings...its scary as hell but you get used to it ....you pick and choose wisely who you converse with...i dont....i do it with most people.... to me.......feeling scared is good ...it means you or I or others care........ if you take everything you say back to honesty if the other person doesnt get you ...they were never meant to, but the right people and the right women will... try joining groups where your passions lie join a toast master group get used to standing up and saying something that you are passionate about and soon...when you feel passion in front fo a woman...it will come out with thoughtful words right in front of her..........good luck......hugs...wish ya well...;0).....deb Edited February 17, 2014 by todreaminblue 1
Author Raf90 Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 Respectfully, I'm trying to understand if you are serious or not. Your responses to some other posters are written different and with more insight. Be happy to provide some context or perspective if I felt this was a serious post. I know it sounds all kind of unreal, but unfortunately its all true. Giving an advice and being the person experiencing the events, is two very different things. Just imagine a psicologist, just because he helps and gives advices to people with troublesome situations doesnt mean he went throught those things aswell. Im simply a hypocrit, among other things, i give advices even though im full of issues myself 1
TheNewMe2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I believe your biggest issue is your self-confidence. Take it from me, while I was never as dire as you - I did go through a high school introverted stage and one where I didn't have girlfriends and didn't know how to act on a date, etc. I know what it's like to be relatively personable and have conversations and immediately when it's something more - when you like someone, your whole demeanor and outlook changes. Again, I've been there. Heck, to some degree I'm still going through that (and I think most of us guys with a brain do forever - we like someone, we want to come off as flawless). So what can you do to change that? First, you deserve to have someone to spend your time with - that enjoys your company. We all do. There are plenty of women out there and plenty interesting combinations of couples. There is someone for everyone and you need to truly believe that. Building friendships or relationships can't happen if you don't have confidence in who you are and what you have to offer. Again, I'm speaking from experience. OTHERS NEVER DICTATE WHO YOU ARE - YOU DICTATE TO THEM WHO YOU ARE. Verbal/non-verbal communication provide those you meet with an indication of who you are. It's very tough, but you have to take sometime to yourself, realize what you offer others and BELIEVE THAT. Only then can you start to reap the benefits of real friends and relationships. It's true - no one else can love you until you love yourself. You can say you love yourself, but your lack of confidence comes through and that shows a lack of loving yourself. Honestly, I'd go see a psychologist (not a psychatrist - you don't need medicine). Be freeform and open. Tell them exactly your most personal thoughts and feelings. I went through some of that and it helped. Then you need to practice what you learn from the psychologist - get out there and interact with your new found love of yourself. Find a group of people that share similar interests - go to their events(there are meet up groups...search for them). Just get to know people. I think toastmasters is a wonderful way, as well, as learning to be comfortable in who you are. Along with that is understand social norms, being able to filter yourself, and being a good listener. I can't stress how much understanding social norms and filtering is important. To me, that is the biggest difference between us shy folks who are able to assimilate and thrive in a social environment and those who continue to have issues. Folks don't mind shy people, they don't mind awkward people. But those that miss social norms and being able to filter - is what typically puts folks on the outside. You also need to not worry about rejection or what other people think. It's freeing and allows you to be you - particularly when you are talking to a woman. So what if they reject you? You haven't invested any time with them. Your confidence of 'take me or leave me' is something that they will find more attractive. You are right - talking about 'odd' things aren't going to help. Engage them in some questions to find out what they like and try to relate similar stories or ideas. But the biggest thing - it takes time. You can't flip a switch overnight. For me, my 20's was spent in self-discovery about who I am, my value, and validating the confidence I had in who I was. I'm not saying it should take you a decade. But that self discovery is important and can't happen overnight. You seem like a decent and sincere guy. There is a woman out there that wants that. But first things first - establish a group of friends. It's important for your confidence and getting you more relaxed. Maybe my ramblings are off. But these are truly the lessons I've learned and the way I've lived. 1
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