Popsicle Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Maybe some of these BS's should be thanking us OW/OM. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-resilience/201206/want-have-healthy-affair-heres-how 1
cocorico Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Maybe some of these BS's should be thanking us OW/OM. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-resilience/201206/want-have-healthy-affair-heres-how Yes, this is definitely true. My H's IC told him the same thing, and I recognised him in the first two categories described in the link.
bentleychic Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 As a single OW, all I can think is that the term "healthy affair" sounds like such an oxymoron. It sure doesn't feel healthy on this side and I know it doesn't to him, either. 4
woinlove Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 As a single OW, all I can think is that the term "healthy affair" sounds like such an oxymoron. It sure doesn't feel healthy on this side and I know it doesn't to him, either. I agree. The author argues that some learn useful lessons from affairs and I think that can be true. Like a shoplifter might learn from their experience, a WS might also learn. Clearly there are better ways to learn than by stealing or lying. Not sure if the author would agree. Usually if you think something is healthy, you may want to keep living healthily forever or at least repeat the behavior. A few people do manage to lead a double life for decades and serial cheaters do repeat their behavior over and over. But those who learn the most from their affair likely also learn that they do not want to keep having affairs. 6
BetrayedH Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I agree. The author argues that some learn useful lessons from affairs and I think that can be true. Like a shoplifter might learn from their experience, a WS might also learn. Clearly there are better ways to learn than by stealing or lying. Not sure if the author would agree. Usually if you think something is healthy, you may want to keep living healthily forever or at least repeat the behavior. A few people do manage to lead a double life for decades and serial cheaters do repeat their behavior over and over. But those who learn the most from their affair likely also learn that they do not want to keep having affairs. Yes, the article conveniently leaves out any negative results from an affair. 8
JenniferTucker Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Tongue in cheek or not the words of "maybe thanks should be given" (not a direct quote!) seems so impersonal and blasé about a very hurtful issue to many who experience affairs. I personally had an affair that brought on many more hurts in an already voltile home life. Thanks is not the first word that pops into my head when reflecting on the outcome of my choices:) 4
Anne Boleyn Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Maybe some of these BS's should be thanking us OW/OM. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-resilience/201206/want-have-healthy-affair-heres-how Interesting article and parts of it seem to line up very much with what you hear around the forums. I liked the link to "types of affairs." Mine started as a "The "Just-In-The-Head" Affair" and became the "The "Mind-Body" Affair." It's a good reminder that not all affairs are created equal, and as such, the response and reason for them will vary. By examining that, it's really the only way you can move forward, one way or the other. 1
experiencethedevine Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Having read this I can only surmise that the qualifications of the writer were obtained from a Christmas cracker frankly. Utter tosh, occasionally interspersed with a fragment of truth................. 1
gettingstronger Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Next time my husband is puking his guts out over the realization of what he did I will remind him of how healthy the affair was since he has grown from it- and then we will both call the OW and thank her- maybe she will be available to talk because its not her weekend with her kids who I am sure also thank her for the affair since now they have two houses instead of one- 7
goodyblue Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Next time my husband is puking his guts out over the realization of what he did I will remind him of how healthy the affair was since he has grown from it- and then we will both call the OW and thank her- maybe she will be available to talk because its not her weekend with her kids who I am sure also thank her for the affair since now they have two houses instead of one- Is your husband in therapy? If you two are trying to work on the relationship, it seems some good counseling would be in order for him to overcome this and learn self forgiveness. That's got to be a terrible way to live. 1
William Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Moderation attempted to retain content relevant to the article. As this thread was about an article in Psychology Today and not anyone's personal life, the thread is moved to GRD.
rumbleseat Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Took a look at the link, and it would seem that the author is posting put of his area pf expertise. To quote his own online cv... "Douglas LaBier, Ph.D. is a nationally known business psychologist and psychoanalytic psychotherapist. The founder and Director of the Center for Progressive Development in Washington, DC, his work of over 30 years has focused on helping individuals and organizations identify and resolve the interwoven mixture of personal, career-related and organizational management conflicts that often undermine psychological health, effective leadership, and a healthy work culture." ( http://www.centerprogressive.org/who-we-are-2/child-page/ ) If he were to write about his opinion on the impact of A's on the workplace, I would give it a bit more credence. As it stands, all the article seems to be written for was to drive traffic to his site, which it seems to have done. I find it especially troubling that he would feel it's a good idea and "healthy" for someone in an abusive relationship to have an A. What kind of professional mental health care professional would even think of putting that out there ( unless it was to further some agenda)? For someone in a abusive relationship, it's far better to counsel them to get out now, not have an affair which will do nothing but exacerbate the situation, possibly leading to the person being harmed or even killed. How is that "healthy"? In my opinion, this guy is a twit. 7
janedoe67 Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Of course this article sounds great to a certain subset. If I could find an article that said my tendency to eat the entire bag of potato chips was healthy I'd like that too. Lying, betraying, cheating, and breaking up families is not healthy. 10
rumbleseat Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Of course this article sounds great to a certain subset. If I could find an article that said my tendency to eat the entire bag of potato chips was healthy I'd like that too. Lying, betraying, cheating, and breaking up families is not healthy. Thanks for shattering my illusion that eating a whole bag of chips is healthy:( 7
krazikat Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Of course this article sounds great to a certain subset. If I could find an article that said my tendency to eat the entire bag of potato chips was healthy I'd like that too. Lying, betraying, cheating, and breaking up families is not healthy. Lol love that. For me, I would like and article to say I could eat a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough and not only would I not gain weight but lose or! Please find an article for me on that! On topic, though, I believe that someone could write an article about anything and have someone think it is the truest thing. It fits for a certain subset, like you said Jane. 2
Tayken Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Yes, the article conveniently leaves out any negative results from an affair. And why do you think that is? The intent is to get people reading it, and going....you see, told you so...... Ashamed to say it....but sex does indeed sell 2
gettingstronger Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Of course my husband is in counseling and no matter if we had stayed together or if he ended up with the ow he would still have to face what he did and who he became. That's what I don't get, even if you end up with the AP, even if you end up learning from your mistake, how does that erase who you were when you were cheating? How is losing your integrity ever a healthy thing? Just because you marry your AP that doesn't erase who you were or what you did. 3
ThatMan Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Having read this I can only surmise that the qualifications of the writer were obtained from a Christmas cracker frankly. Utter tosh, occasionally interspersed with a fragment of truth................. Hey! What did the director of the center for Progressive Development ever do to you?! 2
underwater2010 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Maybe some of these BS's should be thanking us OW/OM. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-resilience/201206/want-have-healthy-affair-heres-how Sorry to be rude...but over my dead body would I ever thank a OW/MOW/OM/MOM for screwing with my spouse. Regardless of the outcome. 8
BetrayedH Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Lol love that. For me, I would like and article to say I could eat a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough I've got good news krazikat and jane! You exercised your brain when you thought about that food and then got aerobic exercise when you went and got it and THEN you exercised your arms by taking the food from the container to your mouth! Woo hoo! I'm drafting your thank you letters for the manufacturers. PS. I took the liberty of deleting your reference to weight gain. Please learn how to better compartmentalize. 4
Tayken Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I've got good news krazikat and jane! You exercised your brain when you thought about that food and then got aerobic exercise when you went and got it and THEN you exercised your arms by taking the food from the container to your mouth! Woo hoo! I'm drafting your thank you letters for the manufacturers. PS. I took the liberty of deleting your reference to weight gain. Please learn how to better compartmentalize. Aye Aye....It's what happens after it goes into the mouth that is the big concern. I can hear the tummy, hips and backside yelling....."yes, tell them" My friends Cardio in the corner is winking...I am here if you need me. Just saying 3
peaksandvalleys Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Maybe some of these BS's should be thanking us OW/OM. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-resilience/201206/want-have-healthy-affair-heres-how That was funny. I will finish thanking them when they least expect it. 1
Eggplant Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Psychology Today = trashy pop science. Do not take it seriously, please. They recently got in trouble for publishing an article about why some races were uglier than others. 2
chelsea2011 Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Unless it is an open marriage and EVERYONE involved is in "the know" it is NOT a heathy affair. Anything less is deceitful!
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