xxmusical Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Hi everyone, this has been bothering me for quite a while and would love to hear others' comments on this. My bf and I have been dating for 8 years. We're 26 years-old, are committed to each other, and are planning to get married in 1-2 years. We have marked each other as "the one." I know my boyfriend is working hard to make our future work out as he switched jobs half a year ago to make more money. We live in a big Asian city so everything is expensive. I try my best to support him -- and believe in him. Unfortunately, he has the worst luck career-wise. He earns enough, but there are times when things just never go his way. He insisted that once he got promoted, it will be easier for him to save up money, get a place, and get married. But the thing is, with his luck, I don't know when he will get promoted. He is a smart guy without a doubt; his superiors praise him, he has the skills, etc, but sometimes it's the minor things that get in his way, that prevent him from achieving something or getting promoted. When this happens, I feel insecure about our future. He's being hopeful, but I can't help but feel like I'm losing faith. I want to believe in him, trust him, but the more time passed, the more I'm feeling insecure. I know "money" isn't something that should break us apart, but it's still important to feel secure, especially for our future. I love him and I support him, but I've always been an emotional person... I know I won't break up with him, but this is going to be an ongoing issue, I'm sure. Is there any way to ease this up (or maybe ease my mind a bit)? Any thoughts? Thank you for reading
Els Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Which one of you decided that he needs to save up X amount of money in order to marry? If you are okay with less, is he okay with it too? Following that, how important is it for you to marry sooner rather than later? Does the importance stem from personal belief or external pressure? Kudos on your happy R from 18 years of age to the current day, by the way. IMO, you have a pretty precious thing going on, that many would love to have. Don't throw it away on a whim, is my advice. 1
Eivuwan Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 (edited) What about your career? Are you making enough money? Edit: You know that there are no guarantees in life right? Anything can happen. If this is your true love, then enjoy the time that you have with him. If you're worried about money, try to improve the finances on your end. He is making enough money to live off of and his bosses like him. That is already very good in this world that we live in. Edited February 17, 2014 by Eivuwan 3
Els Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 What about your career? Are you making enough money? Edit: You know that there are no guarantees in life right? Anything can happen. If this is your true love, then enjoy the time that you have with him. If you're worried about money, try to improve the finances on your end. He is making enough money to live off of and his bosses like him. That is already very good in this world that we live in. I very much agree with all this, but I do want to point out that the OP and her bf are probably Asian, based on her post about living in a large Asian city. It is typical for the men in those cultures to want to be capable of providing for their family prior to marriage, regardless of what their wife earns, so her earnings would be unlikely to make a difference. It is a bit of a catch-22, indeed.
Eivuwan Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I very much agree with all this, but I do want to point out that the OP and her bf are probably Asian, based on her post about living in a large Asian city. It is typical for the men in those cultures to want to be capable of providing for their family prior to marriage, regardless of what their wife earns, so her earnings would be unlikely to make a difference. It is a bit of a catch-22, indeed. I'm Asian as well and I understand this mentality. I just don't agree with it. 3
Els Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I'm Asian as well and I understand this mentality. I just don't agree with it. Yeah, fair enough. There are pros and cons to it IMO, but we'll leave that for the OP to answer...
Eivuwan Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Yeah, fair enough. There are pros and cons to it IMO, but we'll leave that for the OP to answer... I'm curious. What do you think the pros are?
Els Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I'm curious. What do you think the pros are? Don't you think a discussion of such would derail the OP's thread far too much? I am happy to answer if she desires, but otherwise I'd prefer to keep it about her. Don't want to scare a first-time poster away with a debate.
Eivuwan Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Don't you think a discussion of such would derail the OP's thread far too much? I am happy to answer if she desires, but otherwise I'd prefer to keep it about her. Don't want to scare a first-time poster away with a debate. Fine fine. I just know that in my family, the more independent women fare better than the ones who have the mentality of wanting the husband to be the provider. My dad, who in this instance have nontraditional beliefs, always tells me that women should never rely on men for money. You never know what can happen in life. 3
Els Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Fine fine. I just know that in my family, the more independent women fare better than the ones who have the mentality of wanting the husband to be the provider. My dad, who in this instance have nontraditional beliefs, always tells me that women should never rely on men for money. You never know what can happen in life. Yes, this is correct, and good advice. However, it does not change the fact that the OP's boyfriend himself presumably wants to save up a certain amount of money before he feels ready to marry, and nothing you or I can say here will change that.
Eivuwan Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Yes, this is correct, and good advice. However, it does not change the fact that the OP's boyfriend himself presumably wants to save up a certain amount of money before he feels ready to marry, and nothing you or I can say here will change that. Well yes, but it also seems to be the case that the OP does not feel secure about marrying him if he can't get a promotion. I wonder if the boyfriend said what he said because he wants to assuage his girlfriend's fears, but then this just delays the next step in the relationship. I wonder if he would be okay with getting married right now if she is able to accept his current financial status.
Els Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Well yes, but it also seems to be the case that the OP does not feel secure about marrying him if he can't get a promotion. I wonder if the boyfriend said what he said because he wants to assuage his girlfriend's fears, but then this just delays the next step in the relationship. I wonder if he would be okay with getting married right now if she is able to accept his current financial status. Yep, that's why I asked her that. To be fair to her, the savings thing is a huge issue for many Asian men, and many are legitimately concerned and not just saying it for the purpose of 'delaying' things. So I wouldn't necessarily jump to conclusions that her bf is doing that. He might just be, well, traditional, like many of his peers. Honestly, both the 'male provider' and 'marrying within X time frame' are equally and heavily linked to social convention, so I see no reason to denigrate one while encouraging the other. The OP just has to weigh both for herself and think about what she really wants and why.
Eivuwan Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Yep, that's why I asked her that. To be fair to her, the savings thing is a huge issue for many Asian men, and many are legitimately concerned and not just saying it for the purpose of 'delaying' things. So I wouldn't necessarily jump to conclusions that her bf is doing that. He might just be, well, traditional, like many of his peers. Honestly, both the 'male provider' and 'marrying within X time frame' are equally and heavily linked to social convention, so I see no reason to denigrate one while encouraging the other. The OP just has to weigh both for herself and think about what she really wants and why. You misunderstood what I meant. I am saying that if they really see each other as "the one," then waiting for a promotion that may never come for the purposes of saving up for marriage just results in an unnecessary delay. Yes, she has to weight both for herself and think about which is more important, greater financial security or her relationship. I understand the rational for cultural sensitivity and all that, but what it sometimes leads to is this feeling that what I am wanting must be important because this is how I was brought up. I am simply giving her arguments from another point of view that I believe is based more on reality. Anything can happen in life and there are no guarantees. So what is the balance between preparing for the future and living for the present? That is something the OP should think about. In my opinion traditional Asians often tend to focus too much on planning for/predicting the future and too little on enjoying the present and recognizing that you can't control everything in life.
Els Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 You misunderstood what I meant. I am saying that if they really see each other as "the one," then waiting for a promotion that may never come for the purposes of saving up for marriage just results in an unnecessary delay. Yes, she has to weight both for herself and think about which is more important, greater financial security or her relationship. But why is 'her relationship' synonymous with 'marriage'? Even if they were to choose to marry later after obtaining the desired savings, how does that invalidate their relationship?
Eivuwan Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 But why is 'her relationship' synonymous with 'marriage'? Even if they were to choose to marry later after obtaining the desired savings, how does that invalidate their relationship? It doesn't if they are comfortable with that decision. But right now, it seems like she has doubts because of the financial security stuff. It seems that getting married is very important to her, but so is financial security. The financial security is not guaranteed, so at some point she would have to make a decision of whether she wants to move on or get married, but with less money. Hopefully, her boyfriend gets a promotion asap and then there will be no conflict.
Els Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 It doesn't if they are comfortable with that decision. But right now, it seems like she has doubts because of the financial security stuff. It seems that getting married is very important to her, but so is financial security. The financial security is not guaranteed, so at some point she would have to make a decision of whether she wants to move on or get married, but with less money. Hopefully, her boyfriend gets a promotion asap and then there will be no conflict. Ah, okay, I see what you mean now. I get the feeling that even if she were to be okay with getting married earlier, her bf himself would want to wait for the financial security, so the real decision is whether or not she is okay waiting for as long as he needs. Hence my urging her to make her decision based on what she really wants, not what society is telling her to want (both in respect to the finances as well as the marriage timeline). But, I think we have to wait for her replies before giving further advice, so I'll slip out here. 1
Author xxmusical Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 Ah, okay, I see what you mean now. I get the feeling that even if she were to be okay with getting married earlier, her bf himself would want to wait for the financial security, so the real decision is whether or not she is okay waiting for as long as he needs. Hence my urging her to make her decision based on what she really wants, not what society is telling her to want (both in respect to the finances as well as the marriage timeline). But, I think we have to wait for her replies before giving further advice, so I'll slip out here. Hello to you two! First off, thank you for the replies and the *debate* haha. To be honest, you both have your points. Anyway, yes, my bf would actually prefer to have enough savings first, then get married, because only then would he feel that he could "take care" of me. I understand that. I am absolutely baffled with the whole Asian thing--I hate it. And it's tough for me because I actually grew up in the US but now lives in Asia (yes, bf and I are both Asian btw). Anyway, off topic here. Yes, I'm trying to enjoy the present with him and just let life flow. I try not to think and look at the future in a dark gloomy way (). This whole thing is probably just my problem, me being paranoid and pessimistic, but I can't get this issue out of my head! Well yes, but it also seems to be the case that the OP does not feel secure about marrying him if he can't get a promotion. I wonder if the boyfriend said what he said because he wants to assuage his girlfriend's fears, but then this just delays the next step in the relationship. I wonder if he would be okay with getting married right now if she is able to accept his current financial status. No, my bf isn't trying to "delay" things (heck, we both want to move in together if circumstances are right, but no, this city is too expensive to live in sadly!). Like I said before, bf wants to make sure he earns enough so that he could secure our future financially; that's why he wants 1-2 years' time. So... I guess my problem is, whether I want to wait that long?! I already know that he's worth it, but I just don't know how to make myself feel better...? I'm not making much sense here, but thank you to both of you! 1
Els Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 (edited) Welcome back, OP! Glad we didn't scare you off! I am absolutely baffled with the whole Asian thing--I hate it. And it's tough for me because I actually grew up in the US but now lives in Asia (yes, bf and I are both Asian btw). Yes, it is tough, and really a bit of a Catch-22. Because women in Asian society are intensely pressured to marry early, but men are intensely pressured to have sufficient savings before they marry. So with education taking longer and cost of living rising in cities, what happens? The pressure pushes both in different directions, and is honestly annoying and unnecessary. So... I guess my problem is, whether I want to wait that long?! I already know that he's worth it, but I just don't know how to make myself feel better...? I'm not making much sense here, but thank you to both of you! Oh, it makes perfect sense. I'm in a similar situation, to be honest. We're about the same age, and my long-term partner is also waiting for a 'promotion', among other things (paying back student loans, savings, house, etc). It drives me a little batty, because I don't honestly bloody care where he resides on the career ladder, but he cares, so... I accept it. Because I feel that it is important that he feel ready and happy with where he is in life before we make a lifetime commitment to each other. What works for me, is to remind myself that the need to marry early is solely a societal construct, not my own desire. Because just as I don't care what his job position is, I don't really care either whether we get married in 1 year or 5, if it weren't for the noise of society. And really, the noise doesn't stop, even if you get married - then they'll start butting their noses in about kids... If this is the case for you as well, then that might help. Edited February 17, 2014 by Elswyth 1
Eivuwan Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Like I said before. I am not saying that he is trying to delay things intentionally. Does your boyfriend understand your point of view and know about the insecurities you have? Maybe there can be a compromise of some sort. Living in Asia while growing up with American values must be hard. At the end of the day what really matters is the depth of the bond between you and your boyfriend. 1
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