hpjunke Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I have a question for you women.. If you have a bad past with a guy meaning he was abusive and degrading to you and you stayed in it for a while does it damage you in the next relationship do you compare your past with the present? The reason why i ask a girl i was dating told me about her past and at the time she didn't say how bad it was but she ended up doing a strange act and basically ran from me which broke my heart .. we are talking now somewhat again and she revealed that to me this time saying he ruined the way she thinks about relationships which makes me think she did that to me because of her past . I honestly had a girl cheat on me and i caught her but as for me a guy , i don't take it that every girl cheats because its not fair to her.
Gaeta Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 She has issues and she needs to look into them with therapy. Yes I was 15 years in an abusive relationship but I was single for a few years after that and I did a great deal of work on myself. My past does not dictate my present and I rarely think about my past. You are not a shrink, pass on this one. 2
Omei Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I was abused for 5 years when I got away I dated someone too soon and after the honeymoon period I got pretty selfish and uncaring and ultimately our relationship ended it wasn't that I was cruel I was just not a happy person and it effected us yes. Now years and years later I've worked on so much of myself and am perfectly able to have a trusting meaningful relationships without my past following me. The answer is it just takes time to heal the hardest part of my journey was letting go of all the hate and anger I wanted revenge for how I was treated so badly I remember obessing about it, its gone now.
h3braica Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 You can't fix her. Don't try. had an ex with the painful past with his ex gf. i sacrifice a lot to straighten his life. gave him my full support and unconditional love. until he gives up his vices and start a new life with me with new plans. we share a 10 yr relationship. one day he proposed a marriage and ended the relationship 6 mos before the wedding and return to his ex and now we're back to strangers again. so dont try to fix them or help them in some ways they will gives u bs in the end.
Omei Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I agree there's nothing you can do no amount of love will fix someone, they have to find their peace with their past and heal themself. Its a bad idea to go into a relationship and have all that pressure to be the one to change their view of relationships like you're gonna be their savior that's a lot to handle.
h3braica Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 it's been a year since the BU. i still feel the pain. I don't do rebound relationship I don't want to use someone just to overcome the pain. I am trying my best to heal myself. I am enduring the pain, torturing myself. still crying at night asking questions over and over again. But I know one day all the pain will end and I will smile again and be happy as I used to be.
Author hpjunke Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 I was abused for 5 years when I got away I dated someone too soon and after the honeymoon period I got pretty selfish and uncaring and ultimately our relationship ended it wasn't that I was cruel I was just not a happy person and it effected us yes. Now years and years later I've worked on so much of myself and am perfectly able to have a trusting meaningful relationships without my past following me. The answer is it just takes time to heal the hardest part of my journey was letting go of all the hate and anger I wanted revenge for how I was treated so badly I remember obsessing about it, its gone now. This quote has hit me right in the heart .... she finally said that her ex of 3 years basically damaged her and i got the effects of it while we seen each other . i have a lot of anger and obess about it at times because i don't feel i deserve it because i have never acted or behaved this way ..
Author hpjunke Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 good ones - wont cheat women with bad pasts are to be avoided at all costs if you are looking for a "relationship" one bad relationship can ruin a woman ... whether it be with her parents, a boyfriend, a family member, etc I agree 100%
oolong Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 women with bad pasts are to be avoided at all costs if you are looking for a "relationship" one bad relationship can ruin a woman ... whether it be with her parents, a boyfriend, a family member, etc I disagree. A bad past does not necessarily "ruin" someone--male or female--for relationships. People have the power to overcome their past horrors and move on with their lives. Sure, there may always be scars, but people can be strong and manage these problems. Having a bad past is not a "relationship death sentence." I was sexually abused for 7 years growing up. I was in a really rough spot for a number of years as I was recovering, and my relationships with people were shaky...but now I can honestly say my bonds with family and friends are the strongest they've ever been, and I am in a committed, solid relationship with my boyfriend. I am not speaking for OP's situation; I am speaking in general. For the girl OP is talking about, it seems she still has some issues to deal with before she is ready to pursue romantic relationships.
Author hpjunke Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 I disagree. A bad past does not necessarily "ruin" someone--male or female--for relationships. People have the power to overcome their past horrors and move on with their lives. Sure, there may always be scars, but people can be strong and manage these problems. Having a bad past is not a "relationship death sentence." I was sexually abused for 7 years growing up. I was in a really rough spot for a number of years as I was recovering, and my relationships with people were shaky...but now I can honestly say my bonds with family and friends are the strongest they've ever been, and I am in a committed, solid relationship with my boyfriend. I am not speaking for OP's situation; I am speaking in general. For the girl OP is talking about, it seems she still has some issues to deal with before she is ready to pursue romantic relationships. i agree with you on this ... we have a small "history" and i became a victim of her past which i did know but didn't know to the extent how it was. So she meets me , someone who is the opposite of her bad relationship and she cant deal with a guy like me however we keep going back to each other sort of speak. She is going to loose her mother to cancer soon and she called on me because i have had the exact same thing happen to me . I said id be there which i am for her but on that same token im gonna have to let her know how i feel about her and in general to "guard" myself . Agreed?
todreaminblue Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 (edited) abusive pasts take time to heal approximately as long as you were in them i feel, therapy helps, talking about it saying the abuse aloud, distances it from your heart.....puts it out there like bad fog...eventually fog fades........journaling thoughts writing......saying....all doing words that you have control over...... the abuse you didnt, what you do now you do.your gf doesnt have to remain silent and suffer....silence to me equals suffering.........i have a theory that the abuser maintains a hold while silence is kept, therefore that hold allows the abuser, an affect on relationships and people who come into your gfs life after abuse..he is there with you..until of course you gf go mental and acts out to release suffering your gf needs some doing(therapy writing talking) to undo....a lot of people feel unjustly, they should have to keep their dirty laundry hidden and under wraps......this is what can cause mental illness(depression paranoia even schizophrenia......personality disorders) and or repeating strange acts that are not acceptable socially or privately for that matter.....too often abuse goes unmentioned and hidden because of saving face.......i say show it,,tell it shout it out if necessary, help others (by sharign the difficult stuff no one wants to talk about or hear or think happens)and help yourself at the same time......praying helps me also....another doing thing.........best wishes to you and your gf...deb Edited February 17, 2014 by todreaminblue
Author hpjunke Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 abusive pasts take time to heal approximately as long as you were in them i feel, therapy helps, talking about it saying the abuse aloud, distances it from your heart.....puts it out there like bad fog...eventually fog fades........journaling thoughts writing......saying....all doing words that you have control over...... the abuse you didnt, what you do now you do.your gf doesnt have to remain silent and suffer....silence to me equals suffering.........i have a theory that the abuser maintains a hold while silence is kept, therefore that hold allows the abuser, an affect on relationships and people who come into your gfs life after abuse..he is there with you..until of course you gf go mental and acts out to release suffering your gf needs some doing(therapy writing talking) to undo....a lot of people feel unjustly, they should have to keep their dirty laundry hidden and under wraps......this is what can cause mental illness(depression paranoia even schizophrenia......personality disorders) and or repeating strange acts that are not acceptable socially or privately for that matter.....too often abuse goes unmentioned and hidden because of saving face.......i say show it,,tell it shout it out if necessary, help others (by sharign the difficult stuff no one wants to talk about or hear or think happens)and help yourself at the same time......praying helps me also....another doing thing.........best wishes to you and your gf...deb This is true i talk a lot about it she has her mom going on and im in the middle of it because i gave my word that id be there for here but i have some unfinished business that i need to take care of with her i feel, BTW i pray all the time and just hope it turns out
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