He just left me there...

[charlzyd]

Something happened over the weekend with my SO and I'm struggling to come to terms with his actions/not sure what to do next.

 

My SO bought me tickets to a musical for my birthday (which was in January) and the opening night happened to be on Valentine's Day. I was so excited to see this show and really looking forward to it. And to make the night even more special, I paid for us to stay at this fancy hotel that night as well. We don't often have fancy nights out together and after an awful week at work I was so looking forward to having a good night together.

 

We went out for a few drinks before the show then went to look for dinner. My SO wasn't hungry but I still wanted to find a bite to eat. I was asking him where we should go (as he knows the city better than I do) but he kept saying he doesn't know. He was glued to his phone as well so I just got really frustrated with him and stormed off to a nearby restaurant. He caught up to me and was obviously angry that I stormed off. He then proceeded to look at his phone throughout dinner and completely ignored me.

 

So easy to say the night didn't start off that well. But then it got worse. We went to the musical and found our seats. I tried to to start a discussion as it was getting really tense between us. I asked him a question about the show and he just gave me a very blunt, one-worded response. So I took that as him not wanting to talk to me.

 

All of a sudden, he got up and left. Minutes before the show was about to start. All he said was 'I'm leaving' and that was it. I was dumbstruck. I thought maybe he'd come back after he had some time to cool down. But nope. I sat there for two hours by myself desperately trying not to burst into tears. I felt absolutely gutted that he just left me there without a word.

 

After the show, I went back to the hotel. I was so devastated by his actions and angry at him I was quite prepared to just pack my things and leave. When I got back to the room, he just looked at me and didn't say a word. Not an apology or anything. Eventually (while we were lying in bed) he tried to talk to me and then proceeded to tell me how he was totally justified for walking off because I'd been 'such a bitch to him earlier'.

 

The next morning he apologised and tried to 'buy me off' to say sorry. I didn't want a bar of it. He had a party that night so stayed in the city and I drove home to the country. We're staying at his parents at the moment (while we wait for settlement on a house he just bought) and when I got home they wanted to know what the show was like, etc. When I told them what happened, they were furious with him and what he'd done.

 

Now I don't know what to do. We've had incidents like this in the past, but normally I forgive him and we move on. But this has just rocked me to my core. He was all 'lovey dovey' all weekend, trying to make amends, but to be quite honest I just didn't want to be anywhere near him. I just feel empty after all of this. I've been thinking of staying with my mum for a few days just to have a break of sorts... have some space... but I really don't know what this means for us. We're meant to be moving in together, going to Europe in June, etc... but I just don't know if I can move past this or not. My friends have been telling me to leave him for the longest time, and we almost did break up late last year... but whenever it's almost come to 'crunch time' I just totally cave in. I still love him and care for him... which makes it all so much harder.

 

Don't know what to do :/

Edited February 17, 2014 by charlzyd

[MrTurk]

Why in the world would you care about a guy that gives his phone more attention than you?????

 

Obviously I need to stop leaving my phone in the car when I go on dates.....and start bringing it with me, so I can look at it instead of the woman I'm with.

 

NO WONDER WOMEN DONT WANT TO DATE ME......IVE BEEN GIVING THEM TOO MUCH ATTENTION!

[newmoon]

i would urge you to reconsider your relationship with this man. his actions show immaturity and the inability to work through a problem in an adult manner. be proud of yourself that you did sit through the performance and not run after him (which is probably what he wanted). a man who cannot 'fight' like an adult is immature and will be problematic in the future. do not look ahead at your plans and what you might 'lose' if you break it off (ie the trip, moving in, etc.); we all lose something in a break-up and that is ok. the biggest thing you'd lose is yourself to this person if you continue. but you actually sound pretty strong and you'll make a good choice. this is a major red flag though and should slow down any plans you have to progress further. i had a man do this as well - left me in another country after we had a fight; he took a flight home 3 days into an 8 day trip. i went back to the hotel and he was gone. i stayed the full length of the trip and we spoke once when i got back - to break it all off officially. you don't stay with guys who can do stuff like this.

[charlzyd]

i would urge you to reconsider your relationship with this man. his actions show immaturity and the inability to work through a problem in an adult manner. be proud of yourself that you did sit through the performance and not run after him (which is probably what he wanted). a man who cannot 'fight' like an adult is immature and will be problematic in the future. do not look ahead at your plans and what you might 'lose' if you break it off (ie the trip, moving in, etc.); we all lose something in a break-up and that is ok. the biggest thing you'd lose is yourself to this person if you continue. but you actually sound pretty strong and you'll make a good choice. this is a major red flag though and should slow down any plans you have to progress further. i had a man do this as well - left me in another country after we had a fight; he took a flight home 3 days into an 8 day trip. i went back to the hotel and he was gone. i stayed the full length of the trip and we spoke once when i got back - to break it all off officially. you don't stay with guys who can do stuff like this.

 

The temptation to run after him was certainly there... But I knew that it wasn't worth it. Nor was crying over it. I just kept telling myself that he wasn't worth my tears.

 

But he always does this when we have an argument. He'll either shut me out and refuse to talk or he'll throw all the blame on me. It's not fair and I'm so sick and tired of it all.

 

It's funny that you say I'm strong. Because I think the opposite. I've known for a long time that the relationship isn't working but I've never been able to go through with actually breaking up with him because I'm just too darn scared.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Dump him.

 

*10 characters*

[charlzyd]

Dump him.

 

*10 characters*

 

 

 

Easy to say, tough to actually do :/

[Silly_Girl]

Easy to say, tough to actually do :/

 

Why is it tough? Talk to us, explain.

 

To me, staying with someone like that (and I did (understatement)) sounds like it's bloody hard work. And seems like a waste of your time.

 

Why, right now, is it easier to stay?

[newmoon]

The temptation to run after him was certainly there... But I knew that it wasn't worth it. Nor was crying over it. I just kept telling myself that he wasn't worth my tears.

 

But he always does this when we have an argument. He'll either shut me out and refuse to talk or he'll throw all the blame on me. It's not fair and I'm so sick and tired of it all.

 

It's funny that you say I'm strong. Because I think the opposite. I've known for a long time that the relationship isn't working but I've never been able to go through with actually breaking up with him because I'm just too darn scared.

 

 

 

you're strong because you're smart enough to actually see what is going on, and you dealt with it really well, from what you said. you confronted him, tried to work it out, etc. all very positive. if he's done it before, it's a pattern of behavior. so, you either continue to accept what he does or you find the strength to just go.

[MrTurk]

 

But he always does this when we have an argument

 

Yet you keep dating him. I guarantee he showed red flags in the beginning of the relationship too.... Yet you ignored those as well and here you are today, nothing has changed.

 

No sympathy for women like you, that overlook the guys that treat you right yet you keep on chasing a holes like this guy.

[charlzyd]

Why is it tough? Talk to us, explain.

 

To me, staying with someone like that (and I did (understatement)) sounds like it's bloody hard work. And seems like a waste of your time.

 

Why, right now, is it easier to stay?

 

A number of reasons...

 

1. I'm terrified of breaking his heart. He's been deeply hurt by other girls in the past - I don't want to add to that list.

2. I still love and care for him. Hard to let go of someone when you still have those feelings. And we've been together for 2.5 years. Hard to throw all that away.

3. I've never really been single. So the thought of being on my own terrifies the crap out of me.

 

It sounds pathetic - but it's easier for me to remain in a relationship that is convenient (even though I'm unhappy) than to break up, rock the boat and face singledom.

[charlzyd]

Yet you keep dating him. I guarantee he showed red flags in the beginning of the relationship too.... Yet you ignored those as well and here you are today, nothing has changed.

 

No sympathy for women like you, that overlook the guys that treat you right yet you keep on chasing a holes like this guy.

 

Harsh comments, but fair enough comments all the same.

 

Yes there were red flags, but no relationship is perfect. And despite the red flags, my SO has some beautiful qualities and is a good person. Just a troubled person who hasn't dealt with demons from his past.

[Silly_Girl]

A number of reasons...

 

1. I'm terrified of breaking his heart. He's been deeply hurt by other girls in the past - I don't want to add to that list.

2. I still love and care for him. Hard to let go of someone when you still have those feelings. And we've been together for 2.5 years. Hard to throw all that away.

3. I've never really been single. So the thought of being on my own terrifies the crap out of me.

 

It sounds pathetic - but it's easier for me to remain in a relationship that is convenient (even though I'm unhappy) than to break up, rock the boat and face singledom.

 

It's not pathetic. I promise you. But it's important you understand why you hang around.

 

Regarding his broken heart... Seems as though you're giving him a lot more consideration than he's giving you? Relationships are two-way, not a charity. You stay because you are getting sufficient from it. And when you're not, to reevaluate. Maybe people left him because he was mean and uncaring to them, too....

 

I understand you still love and care for him. Lots of times a relationship becomes untenable, despite those feelings being present. Thing is, 2.5 years can - in the flash of an eye - become 5 years. Or much more. And by and large, the more years you invest, the harder it is to pull away. To accept your investment of X time did not pay off. You want it to pay off, so you stay longer.

 

Not being single before seems like such a big deal. Until you do it. It can be empowering and fulfilling and wonderful. It seems so big from where you are now, it really isn't.

 

Do you have a plan at all? To improve things? Or a deadline at which point you will give up? Or something else?

[aussietigerwolf]

all those "evil" girls that broke his heart soooo much I bet did so because he treated them the same or worse.

[Els]

I haven't read any of your other posts, but... IMO, storming off halfway through a date for no other reason than your SO paying too much attention to his phone, was a pretty immature thing to do. I get that it was frustrating, but perhaps you could have addressed it in a more direct manner (eg. "Could you please put your phone away if it isn't urgent? I'd like us to enjoy our date together") rather than storming off. That was the catalyst that set the whole evening off, I think. I'm not saying that he's blameless, I'm just saying that both of you played a part in the date being horrible.

 

Now, that aside, how do you feel about this R in general? Are you happy in it most of the time? Is he?

[Emilia]

A number of reasons...

 

1. I'm terrified of breaking his heart. He's been deeply hurt by other girls in the past - I don't want to add to that list.

You are the reason why men like him exist. You let him off without making him take responsibility for his actions.

2. I still love and care for him. Hard to let go of someone when you still have those feelings. And we've been together for 2.5 years. Hard to throw all that away.

It doesn't seem to be that hard for him.

3. I've never really been single. So the thought of being on my own terrifies the crap out of me.

 

It sounds pathetic - but it's easier for me to remain in a relationship that is convenient (even though I'm unhappy) than to break up, rock the boat and face singledom.

So now we have got to the crux of the matter. Yes it does sound pathetic I'm sorry to say. As long as you are dependent on men, you will come across as weak and will be treated as a nuisance. Time to toughen up a bit. You won't break his heart, don't worry. He isn't some weakling in need of a mother. He is a grown man.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I fail to see that what he did was so wrong in comparison to you storming off to the restaurant earlier in the evening?

 

If I was looking at my phone too much (which is irritating, yes, and impolite) I'd expect a partner to say 'you're on your phone a lot tonight, is everything okay?' and if I continued or it wasn't for a valid reason, 'I'd really like to enjoy spending time together tonight, how about we switch our phones off?' or something of that ilk. I wouldn't be doing that in the first place but if my bf just stormed off I'd be thinking 'what an immature person' and not really want to spend much time with them.

 

Doesn't make it right that he left you at the show, either, but I can see his point. He probably couldn't bear to be around you. Or maybe he was passive aggressively trying to hurt you by making sure you couldn't enjoy your birthday gift. Either way, it sounds like you're very mismatched with a whole load of drama and don't really want the best for one another. The kinds of relationships that are secure, healthy and stable involve arguments, of course! But all of this passive aggressiveness, trying purposefully to hurt one another, storming off instead of talking, those are things that happen when two people aren't compatible on a deep level, imo anyway.

 

Did you even apologise for storming off to the restaurant? Or try and find out why he was on his phone? What if he had some kind of emergency going on with a friend or a family member, or was anxious to receive an e-mail about a job offer or something?

[charlzyd]

I haven't read any of your other posts, but... IMO, storming off halfway through a date for no other reason than your SO paying too much attention to his phone, was a pretty immature thing to do. I get that it was frustrating, but perhaps you could have addressed it in a more direct manner (eg. "Could you please put your phone away if it isn't urgent? I'd like us to enjoy our date together") rather than storming off. That was the catalyst that set the whole evening off, I think. I'm not saying that he's blameless, I'm just saying that both of you played a part in the date being horrible.

 

Now, that aside, how do you feel about this R in general? Are you happy in it most of the time? Is he?

 

 

I am happy to admit that storming off like that wasn't my finest moment. I still don't think it's a good excuse for him to do what he did, however.

 

 

Yes, I did ask him to put his phone away. And he didn't.

 

 

And no, I'm not happy. And I haven't been in a very long time.

[charlzyd]

I fail to see that what he did was so wrong in comparison to you storming off to the restaurant earlier in the evening?

 

If I was looking at my phone too much (which is irritating, yes, and impolite) I'd expect a partner to say 'you're on your phone a lot tonight, is everything okay?' and if I continued or it wasn't for a valid reason, 'I'd really like to enjoy spending time together tonight, how about we switch our phones off?' or something of that ilk. I wouldn't be doing that in the first place but if my bf just stormed off I'd be thinking 'what an immature person' and not really want to spend much time with them.

 

Doesn't make it right that he left you at the show, either, but I can see his point. He probably couldn't bear to be around you. Or maybe he was passive aggressively trying to hurt you by making sure you couldn't enjoy your birthday gift. Either way, it sounds like you're very mismatched with a whole load of drama and don't really want the best for one another. The kinds of relationships that are secure, healthy and stable involve arguments, of course! But all of this passive aggressiveness, trying purposefully to hurt one another, storming off instead of talking, those are things that happen when two people aren't compatible on a deep level, imo anyway.

 

Did you even apologise for storming off to the restaurant? Or try and find out why he was on his phone? What if he had some kind of emergency going on with a friend or a family member, or was anxious to receive an e-mail about a job offer or something?

 

 

 

 

 

Of course I apologised. And yes, I did ask him who he was chatting to and he refused to answer and kept going about it.

 

 

Again, I know it was immature for me to storm off. But I fail to see how me storming off to a restaurant that was 10 metres away can be compared to him leaving me at a show that he bought me tickets to for two hours?

 

 

But anyway, that's not the point. The point is I'm stuck in a ****ty relationship and I am too gutless to walk away from it.

[TAV]

Dear charlzyd, at least let him know what your boundaries are and don't let him get past those. Otherwise your selfrespect will be non-existent at one point.

[MissBee]

I fail to see that what he did was so wrong in comparison to you storming off to the restaurant earlier in the evening?

 

If I was looking at my phone too much (which is irritating, yes, and impolite) I'd expect a partner to say 'you're on your phone a lot tonight, is everything okay?' and if I continued or it wasn't for a valid reason, 'I'd really like to enjoy spending time together tonight, how about we switch our phones off?' or something of that ilk. I wouldn't be doing that in the first place but if my bf just stormed off I'd be thinking 'what an immature person' and not really want to spend much time with them.

 

Doesn't make it right that he left you at the show, either, but I can see his point. He probably couldn't bear to be around you. Or maybe he was passive aggressively trying to hurt you by making sure you couldn't enjoy your birthday gift. Either way, it sounds like you're very mismatched with a whole load of drama and don't really want the best for one another. The kinds of relationships that are secure, healthy and stable involve arguments, of course! But all of this passive aggressiveness, trying purposefully to hurt one another, storming off instead of talking, those are things that happen when two people aren't compatible on a deep level, imo anyway.

 

Did you even apologise for storming off to the restaurant? Or try and find out why he was on his phone? What if he had some kind of emergency going on with a friend or a family member, or was anxious to receive an e-mail about a job offer or something?

 

I'm sorry but how isn't it common courtesy to not be on your phone all night and if someone is ASKING you to help them find a restaurant to grab some food you not respond and pull away from your precious phone for 20 seconds??? I'm sorry but I absolutely find it unfathomable that if I am on a date and the entire night the person is glued to the phone, even when I'm saying "Hey where should we eat?" That I should stand there and say "Hey, why are you on your phone? You're on the phone a lot tonight is everything ok?" I mean why??? This is nuts to me. They are RUDE and why would you ask a rude person to explain their rude behavior when the explanation is that it is RUDE?!

 

It's not like she stormed off and left him somewhere, it seems like they were both walking down the street and she asks where they should eat, he barely responds and is stuck to his phone and so she just walks into a nearby restaurant ahead of him, which isn't an overreaction IMO. He had his chance to not be rude. I mean how many chances do you give a rude person to stop being rude?

 

As for what if it was an emergency etc...this makes no sense to me. What normal, non-rude person wouldn't say so??? Esp when the other person CLEARLY feels annoyed and ignored??? Who would have an emergency while on a date and not at all say "Sorry about that hon, I'm going to be looking at my phone a bit more than usual because of xyz" why is it the onus on the other party to figure that out?

 

Nope. They do that nowhere. I get trying to see his side and I am all for seeing all sides but in this case, I feel like he's inexcusably rude and all of that could have been diffused if he hadn't been so rude. Based on her posts she says he has done these kinds of things before and clearly all her friends don't like them together for a reason and she isn't even happy but admits being single is scarier to her than happiness and it isn't that this guy is some misunderstood wonderful guy whose bitchy gf overreacted to him being glued to his phone.

[CaliGypsy]

The drinking probably didn't help that particular situation either as far as both parties storming off.

 

The bigger picture is that you say this kind of behavior and treatment of you is normal. If you keep making allowances he's going to keep doing it. He's not likely to change and only you can decide if this is the kind of relationship you want. I understand you're scared. But what kind of a life do you have now? You aren't happy. Only YOU can make your life happen

[mukkrakker]

Easy to say, tough to actually do :/

 

Why, he sounds like an ass, what's so wonderful about him?

[Els]

 

 

And no, I'm not happy. And I haven't been in a very long time.

 

Well, then this is what matters most.

 

You need to leave. What is preventing you?

[chrisftw]

I girl i'm talking to while she works out things with her breakup sounds like she was in the same boat as you.

 

i posted a thread about a girl breaking off her engagement for me, but not just for me though she wasn't really into the relationship. She was never single like you but would rather have something subpar and just settle rather than have somebody she truly wants and is excited to be with. like you as well.

 

i came along and showed her that she was making a mistake by getting married as young as she is. and as soon as i gave her the magnifying glass to look deep at her relationship that she had she realized she was not satisfied in the slightest. so she broke up with him. and now me and her are talking and its a great feeling of being around somebody you can just click with.

 

of course now she's labeled a cheater a slut and a bunch of other derogatory words and i get the talks that she'll do the same to me and so and so on.

 

if that is truly the case than anybody who breaks up with anybody the same will happen to you in retrospect.

 

the point of me telling you this though is you'll find somebody better, there's nothing wrong with being single. you need to work on yourself or at least find somebody you can connect with you on a deeper level. otherwise you're doomed to a life of miserable existence just floating around day to day. wishing, wondering, dreaming of better times that will NEVER come.

[FitChick]

The point is I'm stuck in a ****ty relationship and I am too gutless to walk away from it.

No, you aren't stuck. You choose to stay. Only have yourself to blame so don't go looking for sympathy.