Broke UP Day 1 of NC

[changedlife]

I am here because I really need some support. I am going through a really tough time right now and just having really bad thoughts and pains in my chest.

 

I probably won't get much sympathy from my story but I will be honest about it. I am here for support and I hope nobody bashes me because of it because I really need support and courage right now. I'm putting it down here and I know it is bad...but I want to be honest and hopefully find somebody who has been through something similar.

 

I will try to be short on this story but here it goes.

 

I fell in love with a great girl. I was married before and my ex-wife left me. I was single for a while before meeting this girl. We really hit it off and it was really special. I had never felt a connection to anybody like I did with this girl during our first few months. The "honeymoon" period was more than just a honeymoon period.

 

However.... I cheated on her. I went out of the country for a month and we started fighting and I ended up sleeping with another girl.

I didn't tell her about his right away, and when I got back we eventually got back to where we were.

 

Around Christmas time of 2012 I cheated on her again... I felt bad from it and broke up with her. During this time I saw both her and the girl I cheated on her with.

 

I put her through hell for a few months. All she wanted was me. I eventually came back to her and told her what had happened.

 

We tried to recover for a year.

 

I wasn't perfect and she was hurting a lot but we both made a lot of changes in the year. She started a new hobby and finding new friends and going to therapy.

 

I started reading some books, and giving her more transparency in my life, gps on my phone, passwords to all my accounts, etc.

 

Somewhere along in the process I started putting all of my happiness onto her and making the relationship to work.

 

I've been going to counseling for a while now myself and me and my counselor both figured out why I cheated and why I pulled away from her.

 

My ex always knew of the relationship we had and how good it was and we were trying to get back there. But she broke up with me a month ago today. She told me that she just can't trust me due to what happened and she doesn't think she will ever be able to get over the fact that I was with two other people. She told me that she felt that way in the beginning and was hoping it would go away but the feeling never did.

 

I realize that I don't deserve her. I realize that I put her through hell. But for the the last year of her life I was a really good boyfriend. No it doesn't make up for what I did, but the relationship we had post cheating was really good. She just couldn't turn off the mind movies and move past the betrayal.

 

She's told me that it didn't matter what I did after the fact it is just a complete dealbreaker for her.

 

I'm still in counseling... ultimately I've become a better person from all of this and I know that I would never cheat on somebody again. But knowing that I messed up a really good relationship has me utterly devastated to the point where I am just crying on the floor and wanting to die. I put so much into trying to be sweet and make up for what I did... ive completely lost happiness on my own.

 

I'm going to start anti-depressants tomorrow but I just don't know how I am going to make it through this.

 

I feel like I was earning my forgiveness when I was with her...and now I feel worthless. I feel empty.

 

She has been there as a friend for me for the last month but I've sent her several emails and texts trying to convince her that we could be one of the couples that was stronger from all of this.

 

She's told me that she was hurting and asked me to stop texting her so I am going to try to do NC for at least 30 days.

 

Any advice? Any words of wisdom? Anybody been through something similar like this?

 

Can I be happy by myself? Is there hope for me to find somebody else that I will love as much as I love her now?

How could I screw up my life so badly??

[Phantomu]

Okay Changedlife. Listen and listen well.

 

As you have stated, you cheated on this girl twice who at the time was ready to be with you 100%. Most people lose loves without even having to cheat. There is food for thought there. I will not say that she will never come back or it's impossible to mend something like this....But I will say right now you need to let it go for now otherwise you will be beating a dead horse my friend.

 

Will you ever be happy by yourself? That's a silly question because that is entirely up to you. Yeah, it's hard to look past all the wrongs and emotions you're going through right now but in time you will feel better. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my ex but it isn't going to change the fact that she's not coming back. You can never convince someone once their mind is made up. It takes time for them to recoup those feelings if they ever will. So yes, you CAN be happy by yourself. You just have to focus on other things. It's very tough but if you have any activities or things you like to do I would suggest doing them more than ever now. Be careful drinking if you drink because you might do something foolish like text her drunk. You have to pick up the pieces right now. Your no contact idea is the very first step. Let her miss you and think about things on her own. You can really screw this up if you spend all your time and days trying to speak to her especially about the relationship.

 

Will you ever find anyone that you love as much as her? There are millions of women in the world and while i'm not telling you to immediately pursue any right now, there will be a time when it's appropriate for you and your life. Don't worry about that stuff right now and just better your life. Your way of thinking, your decision making. Realize that there is nothing you can do now and it is best for you to take time to yourself to get back in touch with YOUR life.

 

Post on here when you are feeling low. These people can help you and someone WILL that I can assure you. But think about what I have told you here and what others may say as well. We don't spend time writing BS on here to people for kicks. We actually have a genuine concern for the well being of others relationships. You are in control of what you do and what you do WILL affect the outcome of this. Relax and realize that all is not lost. Good luck my friend. -Phantomu

[keepontruckin]

Changedlife, you mucked up not once, but twice.

 

Infidelity is really the worst thing that a partner can engage in. It is often worse than abuse, insofar as to the fact that you have essentially stated that you prefer another pussy over your wife's...

 

Now, I know human nature... Got too drunk, made a mistake once, etc... I don't believe this to be the case with you.

 

You will most likely do it again, whether with your current wife, or your next wife.

 

I know it's not what you want to hear, but it is fact. To address this will require you addressing why you do this in the first place? Not once, but twice? Why?

 

Tell us why, and we may be able to direct you towards the proper solutions...

[changedlife]

Changedlife, you mucked up not once, but twice.

 

Infidelity is really the worst thing that a partner can engage in. It is often worse than abuse, insofar as to the fact that you have essentially stated that you prefer another pussy over your wife's...

 

Now, I know human nature... Got too drunk, made a mistake once, etc... I don't believe this to be the case with you.

 

You will most likely do it again, whether with your current wife, or your next wife.

 

I know it's not what you want to hear, but it is fact. To address this will require you addressing why you do this in the first place? Not once, but twice? Why?

 

Tell us why, and we may be able to direct you towards the proper solutions...

 

It took me a while to think and accept that there was a real reason behind cheating other than my boundaries. I grew up in church, volunteered a lot, never really partied. I've only had a few serious girlfriends and never really dated a lot of people. I got married when I was 23. I never cheated on her but I never had a relationship like I have had with my recent EX.

 

My counselor and I have gone over a lot of my feelings that I was experiencing during the times when I cheated.

 

At first I thought it was crazy, but she related a lot of the same feelings I got to some experiences in childhood.

 

My mom suffered from post-partum depression when I was 6 months old. She had to be put in a hospital for a month. Both of my parents were gone during this time. My dad was working and traveling to see her. My grandparents were taking care of me during this time.

 

There were a lot of times in my childhood where that depression would come soaring back for her and I would be unable to communicate with my mom. I was afraid to in a since. I remember there being many times where I would just lay watching her on the sofa for long periods of time. I felt a lot of times where I was alone in my childhood and I didn't know how to communicate those feelings so I just stuffed them down and didn't deal with them.

 

The first night I cheated on my ex, I was out of the country and put in a situation where honestly it was the probably the first real opportunity for me to cheat on somebody in my life. I never put myself in a situation before where it was even a question so I never had to deal with it.

 

My ex and I got in a very small argument while I was away. The argument made me have a lot of the same feelings that I felt when I was young.... and looking back they were completely irrational thoughts and feelings I was having. I felt at the time like I wasn't good enough for her. I felt at the time like the relationship would end, just like my marriage. I felt at the time like I was alone in life... just like I had felt completely alone at times in my childhood.

 

It was an overwhelming feeling in my chest that left me empty, feeling worthless, and also angry.

When I got the attention from the other girl that feeling went away.

 

My counselor believes, and after a long time......I finally agree... that I was coping for that feeling. That I sought superficial attention from somebody else because I was unable to deal with those feelings.

 

I've been reading a book called, "I don't want to talk about it" by Terrence Real where he goes over a lot of events in our lives that we often cope for later in life. I'm beginning another book called, "Healing the Shame that Binds" - John Bradshaw.

 

When I first admitted to the cheating I thought that with just stronger boundaries like I had with my first marriage I would never cheat again. While at the time that may have been true... since I never had a real opportunity with my ex wife to cheat........if I did have an opportunity those boundaries would have went right out the window probably.

 

I've seen through this that I've never had a real deep emotional attachment to anybody... and I've done several things through my life that has helped me cope with it.......both good things and bad things to fill the emptiness in my life... to feel that void of not trusting somebody and feeling alone.

 

Everybody on here might think that this is physchobable. I did at first and it took me several months to accept it. When I did accept the real reason behind me cheating is actually when the relationship ended and my ex told me it was too hard to recover.

 

I know that infidelity is hard to get over. I see that with her now. My ex-wife cheated on me when we were dating. Just like in the past.. I stuffed those feelings down and didn't deal with them and they never bothered me. As we were recovering, slowly by slowly I saw more and more just how hard it was. I read a few books on helping your partner after infidelity like "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. I understood in my head how hard it was but I never got that deep feeling of understanding until I realized I had never really connected.

 

Sadly looking back, my Ex is the only person who I have ever tried to connect with. The only person who has cared about my feelings and worked with me to talk about them.

 

My counselor has told that it was hard for me to connect because I had never done it before. That it was easy for me to cope, and do something to make me feel better. But it was much harder for me to have a real deep meaningful connection.

 

Could I cheat again? I could..........if I didn't face this. If I didn't deal with those feelings when they arose again and sought superficial attention to make myself feel better.

 

All I know is that after what I did......with myself being the only person I ever trusted before, makes me trust people even less now. I've broken my own trust in people just seeing the magnitude of how much hurt I can cause somebody else.

 

I have a lot of feelings of guilt and shame now from hurting her. I've destroyed her trust in people because I was the only person she really trusted before, and she was looking forward to spending her life with me.

 

She didn't want any of this and I destroyed her.... and quite frankly thinking about how much pain I brought her just makes me want to die.

 

Since the relationship ended I've been having dreams about both her, and the relationship with my mom growing up. I realize that my mom couldn't help it. I'm not angry at her. But dealing with the current relationship ending along with that at times seems unbearable.

 

 

Thank you for your time responding. It means a lot to me. Any advice on books I can read or things to give me hope would be much appreciated.

 

I feel like I can either get a lot stronger from this, or spiral down and not face it.

 

It's hard.

[changedlife]

Also, this is off topic. But is there a way to send private messages to other users on here?

[barky2]

Yes after a certain number of posts , you can send a pm.

 

A lot Of the responses you'll receive will be harsh, as some have been left for another so buckle up.

 

For me, I left my ex for someone else.

 

I cheated on her also.

 

I tried everything for a year to get her back, she finally did come back after I finally stopped chasing her.

 

My advice, and you may not like it, but you need to come to terms with it.

 

Let her go. Let her to date, sleep with and very possibly have a relationship with someone else.

 

Let her know that you messed up, you want to try again, and walk away with the bal in her court and begin the healing process for yourself.

 

More than likely she'll rebound with someone , yes she'll more than likely sleep with someone.

 

Sucks don't it?

 

But like both me and you, we did it, so they deserve it and you can't get mad.

 

 

Give her the time and space she wants right now, there's nothing you can do.

 

The more you hound and push , the more you push her away.

 

Trust me.

 

Fall back right now.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[changedlife]

Yes after a certain number of posts , you can send a pm.

 

A lot Of the responses you'll receive will be harsh, as some have been left for another so buckle up.

 

For me, I left my ex for someone else.

 

I cheated on her also.

 

I tried everything for a year to get her back, she finally did come back after I finally stopped chasing her.

 

My advice, and you may not like it, but you need to come to terms with it.

 

Let her go. Let her to date, sleep with and very possibly have a relationship with someone else.

 

Let her know that you messed up, you want to try again, and walk away with the bal in her court and begin the healing process for yourself.

 

More than likely she'll rebound with someone , yes she'll more than likely sleep with someone.

 

Sucks don't it?

 

But like both me and you, we did it, so they deserve it and you can't get mad.

 

 

Give her the time and space she wants right now, there's nothing you can do.

 

The more you hound and push , the more you push her away.

 

Trust me.

 

Fall back right now.

 

 

 

 

Barky

 

Yeah... I realize that i have to do that. I see now where me appologizing and trying to tell her the truth about everything is just pushing her away.

 

I do realize that she might start dating somebody else and sleep with them and yeah that does suck.

 

Right now she isn't dating anybody. Which isn't normal for her I guess. She said that shes so broken on mistrust that she doesn't trust anybody so she would rather be alone.

 

Honestly I feel like my chances of ever recovering with her are slim to none due to the betrayal and how it has hurt her to her very core.

 

She's doing the mature thing and seeking to heal herself before jumping into another relationship that her heart isn't into. In this process she is completely eliminating me from her life, even though she has said she has missed me.

 

Ultimately I have to live with the mistakes I made, learn from them and do my best to not repeat them.

 

I've told my counselor that above all... even if the relationship fails. I don't want to be sitting on her couch 5 years down the road from now in the same situation.

 

Somewhere in the process I've destroyed my own trust. I've taught myself that people can be real sh*tty. Because I have been that person.

 

Living with the guilt and shame of hurting somebody is rough. Losing somebody because you were broken is rough too.

 

I'm learning to let her go and I'm trying my hardest to surround myself with support, friends, whatever.

 

Just knowing that I have destroyed the person I really consider to be my best friend is devastating.

 

Whether we get back together or not, I hope she can fully forgive me one day... and I hope I can forgive myself.

 

Thanks for your story and the time you took to reply. I really appreciate it.

[changedlife]

I'm sorry you're hurting, but it's really good that you're already in counseling. Your therapist should be able to help you work through the emotions you're feeling, and it sounds like he/she is already doing that.

 

As for the relationship, you should definitely give her the space she's seeking. She feels betrayed, and it is not easy to rebuild trust. There may be no way to fix what's broken, but start by honoring her wishes. And if she moves on, then you will have to move on, as well. Give your heart time to heal...keep going to counseling...and lean on your friends and family. Break-ups are really hard, especially when you feel like your the one at fault, but it does get better!

 

Thanks Longhorn Fan. I'm trying. She posts on a different forum online.. and her posts make me want to reach out to her because I can see she is hurting form it all. It makes me want to explain and tell her I am sorry. Reading what she writes and knowing how much it is hurting her just kills me.

 

It's hard... but I'm trying. If I can make it through one week I'll feel like I accomplished something.

 

Just one day at a time I guess.

[barky2]

Yeah... I realize that i have to do that. I see now where me appologizing and trying to tell her the truth about everything is just pushing her away.

 

I do realize that she might start dating somebody else and sleep with them and yeah that does suck.

 

Right now she isn't dating anybody. Which isn't normal for her I guess. She said that shes so broken on mistrust that she doesn't trust anybody so she would rather be alone.

 

Honestly I feel like my chances of ever recovering with her are slim to none due to the betrayal and how it has hurt her to her very core.

 

She's doing the mature thing and seeking to heal herself before jumping into another relationship that her heart isn't into. In this process she is completely eliminating me from her life, even though she has said she has missed me.

 

Ultimately I have to live with the mistakes I made, learn from them and do my best to not repeat them.

 

I've told my counselor that above all... even if the relationship fails. I don't want to be sitting on her couch 5 years down the road from now in the same situation.

 

Somewhere in the process I've destroyed my own trust. I've taught myself that people can be real sh*tty. Because I have been that person.

 

Living with the guilt and shame of hurting somebody is rough. Losing somebody because you were broken is rough too.

 

I'm learning to let her go and I'm trying my hardest to surround myself with support, friends, whatever.

 

Just knowing that I have destroyed the person I really consider to be my best friend is devastating.

 

Whether we get back together or not, I hope she can fully forgive me one day... and I hope I can forgive myself.

 

Thanks for your story and the time you took to reply. I really appreciate it.

 

 

 

 

She was my best friend too.

 

I thought she was going to heal on her own and she didn't.

 

 

Keep hindsight 20/20 dude, not saying she's going to find comfort in another, but more than likely she will.

 

Her self esteem is way down, I'm sure guys are hitting on her and she has her gfs in her ear.

 

Just keep focusing on you.

 

Very shortly you'll see the bigger picture.

 

But I'll tell ya dude, it's only just beginning.

 

The best thing you can do is focus on moving on, and if she comes back deal with it then, but put it in your head she's never coming back.

 

 

 

 

Barky