Is staying the right choice?

[BHsigh]

I'm not sure how you got this impression. She has always been bi-sexual, we have had threesomes together in the past, it has never been hidden from me.

 

You are right thought that I am now considering how I can incorporate her bi-sexuality into our relationship. That is because the threesomes etc have now stopped so unless we come to some agreement of her seeing women she will no longer be able to do so.

 

Not being bi-sexual myself I cannot speak from first hand knowledge but I don't think it's fair that I deny her those experiences. If anything I was the one changing the rules when we stopped the threesomes and moved to just a monogamous relationship.

 

I know that's a very contentious position but that is the way I am feeling right now.

 

 

 

This as I have said previously is one of my biggest concerns. If it wasn't I probably would have already agreed to let her see other women.

 

The choice is though, do I take that risk and hope that she will realise and stop it or put my foot down and say never again and deny her part of who she is? I guess there is a third choice that we could do it together but that got too messy last time.

 

The answer is simple, but that doesn't make it easy to do of course. The answer is a simple question, what are you comfortable with?

 

Stop thinking about her missing something for a moment and think about what you need. You giving up what you need is just as bad as her missing out on being with other women. Giving up what is important to you is no foundation upon which to build a successful relationship.

 

If fidelity, or just being you and her exclusively is important to you, then don't just give up on that, it will only turn into resentment in the long run if you do, and you will never truly be happy.

 

If you insist on no outside relationship and that is your hard boundary and she is set on having other relationships, then you two are truly not meant to be together. Don't ever give up your basic needs just in order to keep someone, be more true to yourself than that.

 

"If you don't know what you want, you'll get a lot that you don't "

 

I only stuck in the direction of you wanting fidelity because you probably wouldn't have posted this otherwise, if I am wrong, then I apologize.

[garfunckles]

I only stuck in the direction of you wanting fidelity because you probably wouldn't have posted this otherwise, if I am wrong, then I apologize.

 

I do want fidelity but I define fidelity as being faithful. If I were to allow her to have a girlfriend and she stayed within whatever boundaries are set then she is still being faithful.

 

Primarily what I want is for us to be together as a family. It may well work out that she decides she wants nothing more either after her IC progresses but I am working on the assumption for the moment that her desires wont change.

 

Us staying together and her having a girlfriend, everyone being open and honest and caring towards each other and their feelings is not a bad thing is it? There is no breaking of any trust, there is no unfaithfulness, there is no infidelity.

 

I just see this as the best option, and when I say that I don't mean the best of a bunch of bad options, it's something that I could truly embrace if I could be assured that emotions were not going to get in the way. I think that would be hard to achieve though and hence my reluctance, I am not sure it's worth the risk.

 

Does that make any sense?

[BHsigh]

I do want fidelity but I define fidelity as being faithful. If I were to allow her to have a girlfriend and she stayed within whatever boundaries are set then she is still being faithful.

 

Primarily what I want is for us to be together as a family. It may well work out that she decides she wants nothing more either after her IC progresses but I am working on the assumption for the moment that her desires wont change.

 

Us staying together and her having a girlfriend, everyone being open and honest and caring towards each other and their feelings is not a bad thing is it? There is no breaking of any trust, there is no unfaithfulness, there is no infidelity.

 

I just see this as the best option, and when I say that I don't mean the best of a bunch of bad options, it's something that I could truly embrace if I could be assured that emotions were not going to get in the way. I think that would be hard to achieve though and hence my reluctance, I am not sure it's worth the risk.

 

Does that make any sense?

 

It makes perfect sense.

 

I only used fidelity as meaning just you two and no others, I realize that was an incorrect word to use, because your definition is correct, open, honest and only acting within boundaries is fidelity.

 

Just be sure that this is what you want, that is what really matters.

 

My only concern would be you catching her having a fmf threesome.

[garfunckles]

My only concern would be you catching her having a fmf threesome.

 

Well that was not nice to see as I'm sure you can imagine.

 

I think it's time to draw a line in the sand and say the past is the past, neither of us have been great partners but let's move forward without looking back from now.

 

The only hold up to that is her desire to keep seeing women (or at least a woman). Most guys would jump at that chance and say lets have a threeway relationship and my gf is certainly up for that but past experiences with jealousy have left a bitter taste. It's not something I want to revisit.

 

So it comes down to whether we decide that she can or can't see women alone. I guess it's pretty obvious I have already made up my mind although I am wary about it. I guess it's worth a trial period though?

[bigman1]

G, You are correct, I misread the known bisexuality. I took it as you learned about it later. My bad.

While not a lifestyle that I would ever engage in or advocate, you sound like you need to look into polyamory (possible spelling error). That seems to factor in what you are talking about. They seem to navigate the journey that you are talking about. Good luck with that. I don't think you can build a lifetime on that, but what do I know? Get some folks with real world experience and long term history, like middle age to older people who have been together for decades. 15 years or more. IMHO.

[Friskyone4u]

Since you previously were involved in some sort of swinging or non monogamy you should already know that these boundaries that you will set are the problem. If she dates enough women, she is bound to find one who has a boyfriend or husband that is attractive to her. When that happens either your boundaries may go out the window or you may never know.

The problem with these type relationships is that someone always eventually wants more and a want becomes a need . I am sure you saw some of that with people you knew in that lifestyle.