garfunckles Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Well I don’t know where to start. I don’t want to ask family or friends because they will all have biases so I’d really appreciate some independent advice from the community. I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years. We got together young and stupidly, accidently had a child. That sort of drew us closer together so we tried for a second a couple of years later and hit the “jackpot”, triplets. Things have never been perfect, I have cheated more than once, she has as well as revenge. We’ve struggled with money but we’ve always been there for each other. We thought we’d get adventurous and tried threesomes and other stuff like that. That was a big mistake. I guess we were the perfect Jerry Springer couple. That was all in the first 6 years then things just seemed to click. The last 2 years have been the best years of my life. Not only do I love my gf I am in love with her again. I found an awesome job, we bought a house, it’s getting easier as the kids get older. Everything’s working out. She says she feels the same way about me. Our communication has improved out of sight. We still have the odd fight but the yelling and screaming and throwing things matches we had are way behind us. I asked her to marry me, she said yes. It was all coming up roses. And then I open the front door one day and she’s on the couch with a guy and girl. I’ll admit I lost it for a while, I kicked them out still naked, I raised my hand to hit my gf which scared the crap out of me (I never have and never will hit a woman). I was so disappointed in her, I thought we were passed all that sort of crap. She’s all apologetic now, it was only once, never again, so sorry. I’ve heard all the excuses because I once made them myself. But I grew up, I thought she had too. The thing is I can’t leave her, I want her in my life, I love her, I can just never trust her now. So what do I do? How do I know if she really has learned a lesson here and it wont happen again? If I leave it’s so messy, house, kids, custody, what a mess. I had 99% made my mind up to give it another shot when she said something that really kicked me in the guts. She said that she would be OK if I cheated as well as revenge because that was what she did to me years ago. She doesn’t understand, I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE ELSE. That hurt as much as the cheating because it says to me that she doesn’t understand. I don’t want her to be OK if I cheated. My friends will all say get rid of her but I don’t think they understand my true feelings for her. I was hoping people who have been through similar might be more understanding. I’m sure there are people who have stayed together after being cheated on. How did you do it? How did you learn to trust again? Is it possible? My parents will tell us we must stay together and work through it, that’s just the way they are. Her parents hate me because I got their 15yo daughter pregnant. The only good independent advice I can get is hopefully here.
Bryanp Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 This is a sad story. 1. You both need to get tested for STD's. 2. You have no idea if it was just one time or that this was the time she caught caught by you. You have no idea how long she has been cheating on you. 3. She cheated on you with these people in your HOME behind your back. This is as low as you can go. 4. The chances are pretty good that if you had not caught her she would have continued to cheat in your home behind your back. Where were the children? This is so messed up. Does she work? 1
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Go to counseling together, make rules and gain boundaries that NO ONE else is in the marriage (common law) but the two of you now. You two have 4 kids now and need to be a family unit as one. No more going outside of the marriage, make it clear to her that is in the past.
lolablue17 Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Maybe you should consider swinging or open marriage. Because frankly, I dont see her stop cheating and I'm sure she did that many times you unaware of. So if you love her and want to stay, you should be able to accept and contain these kind of events from time to time. If you cant, if you insist for 100% monogamy, i'm afraid you cant have it with her.
Author garfunckles Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 This is a sad story. You have no idea if it was just one time or that this was the time she caught caught by you. You have no idea how long she has been cheating on you. This is unfortunately true. I trusted her and believed that but I guess now that the trust is broken that could be a lie. 4. The chances are pretty good that if you had not caught her she would have continued to cheat in your home behind your back. Again, probably true, but I'm trying not to work on what if's. Where were the children? This is so messed up. Does she work? The kids were with me, I had picked them up from kinder and childcare. They saw it all obviously. Yes, she does work but does a lot of shift work so was on nights that week.
Author garfunckles Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 Go to counseling together Not a big fan of counseling. I think people should be able to sort things out themselves. We managed to sort things out ourselves the first times. make rules and gain boundaries that NO ONE else is in the marriage I thought we had already done that. Obviously I need to make it blatantly clear what I expect from her if we are to move forward.
Author garfunckles Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 Maybe you should consider swinging or open marriage. No. It's not as good as it sounds. We were there, we tried this sort of stuff, it's nothing but trouble. if you insist for 100% monogamy, i'm afraid you cant have it with her. That is what I am afraid of but I will fight to try and have it. I don't want to give up on her, on us.
Author garfunckles Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 She clearly doesn't love you. I appreciate your honesty but I don't think that is true. I have probably done more wrong by her than her by me. But I can honestly say I love her. You have zero reason to stay with this woman. I have 4 kids and 8 years of history with her, there are plenty of reasons. If she was truly sorry and never intended to do it again she would never ever tell you it is ok for you to cheat. Mmm, good point. I will bring that up with her.
In Like Flynn Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Not a big fan of counseling. I think people should be able to sort things out themselves. We managed to sort things out ourselves the first times. I have to ask....So how did not using counseling work for you guys after the first time dealing with infidelity??? 1
Author garfunckles Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 I have to ask....So how did not using counseling work for you guys after the first time dealing with infidelity??? I see what you're trying to do there but it's not correct. We sorted our issues out and we moved on. Yes, things have taken a turn for the worse but after reading a number of threads in the last few hours that seems to be a possibility with or without a counselor. Why then would I waste my money to have someone tell me what to do with no more of a guarantee of success than having a long good hard look at myself and my situation? Each to their own though, if they work for you then by all means use them. They are not for us though.
Fluttershy Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 MC and IC for her is a must. And be very selective of your counsellors. Their are a lot of quacks in the world. What you need is a marriage counsellor who is experienced in infidelty and has a high success rate for reconciled couples. The Ic Should be mature and basically a mentor figure who will be there to help your wife figure out what is broken inside of her. Not everyone is strong enough to get there on their own. U maybe but she isn't. And be wary of thomkins advice as he has zero personal experience in infidelity. Click on his name and read the posts started by him. Not everythin e said is wrong but he doesn't know your wife or situation. And therefore cannot know if your wife loves you. As for why she said you could cheat... Could be because she wants to keep up the dysfunction. Could be to ease her own conscience (usually the case from reading experiences) I do find it alarming that she did this when she obviously knew you'd be home. That makes the whole thing weird. You say yor kids saw? Get over your perception of counselling and get your kids in to family counsellor ASAP!!!!!
Fluttershy Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I see what you're trying to do there but it's not correct. We sorted our issues out and we moved on. Yes, things have taken a turn for the worse but after reading a number of threads in the last few hours that seems to be a possibility with or without a counselor. Why then would I waste my money to have someone tell me what to do with no more of a guarantee of success than having a long good hard look at myself and my situation? Each to their own though, if they work for you then by all means use them. They are not for us though. U don't know this U haven't tried. Get over you arrogence. Obvioudly the issues that lead to destructive ehaviour was not dealt with. The people who have relapses in infidelity are almost always the people whose affairs have been rugswept. Where the cheater dis not get introspective. Yes people can do it on there own... But a counsellor provides accountability. The good thing about ancounsellor is 100% confidientalty. If your wife has a mature stable female friend who is preferabbly older you can also go that route. As far as marriage counselling some services offer it free or very low cost. It places a disinterested third party in the mix while you talk through things. Lots of times stuff comes out that was never said between teo people.
cocahouts Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 counselling was something I never believed in. Who's business is it anyway. I found one when I was trying to save my marriage and then found out about the Affair. The counselor turned into my own and I found that she was a totally outside opinion. Family-----blood is thicker than water crap...good luck getting their advice. Church----Not a fan, I just never believed in the religion thing. Friends----The good ones are there for you and just want you to be good/happy/safe, they're on you're side. The good friends will try to be unbiased but is still your friend. The counselor doesn't care either way and gets a paycheck, they will tell you what they see even if you don't like it. At first mine was more on my wife's side even after we knew my wife was cheating on me....I wanted to drop her. But my wife liked her, wonder why and we continued to talk and she's had us go though many different ways of looking at things. I hate to say it's helped even though I never believed in that crap. Dude....you got a helluva sex life....and old habits die hard so it just might be the norm for her. Sounds like it was for you at a time. Tell her the truth about what you want? Ask her what she wants and expects. The tit for tat method in the past was normal, that might be why she's offering it up. Ask what she wanted out of her threesome when you caught her. If she sounds honest and believable give her a shot, it sounds like you love her in your own way...who the hell on this site has any right to tell you what to do. If you know her just talk to her....good luck. Hey this is a off topic question....did you both enjoy the threesomes when you were involved? Maybe she just misses the excitement/enjoyment of that.
cocahouts Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Forgot about the kids..... Don't let then see mom and dad beating on each other....that's not cool.
Author garfunckles Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 I do find it alarming that she did this when she obviously knew you'd be home. That makes the whole thing weird. I should clear that up. I finished work early and picked the kids up early on my way home because it's a fair way out of our way. They weren't due to finish for another couple of hours and I wasn't due home until after that.
Author garfunckles Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 As far as marriage counselling some services offer it free or very low cost. I'm just not sure I can open up to a stranger. We are talking martial problems, these are private problems.
Author garfunckles Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 Forgot about the kids..... Don't let then see mom and dad beating on each other....that's not cool. No, I never beat her, please believe that. I have never laid a finger on any woman, I raised my fist, I was angry, but it never got to a stage where I would have thrown a punch. If that ever happened I would commit myself, I respect women more than that.
Author garfunckles Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 Tell her the truth about what you want? Ask her what she wants and expects. The tit for tat method in the past was normal, that might be why she's offering it up. Ask what she wanted out of her threesome when you caught her. If she sounds honest and believable give her a shot, it sounds like you love her in your own way...who the hell on this site has any right to tell you what to do. If you know her just talk to her....good luck. That sounds like good advice. Hey this is a off topic question....did you both enjoy the threesomes when you were involved? Maybe she just misses the excitement/enjoyment of that. We wouldn't have done it if it wasn't enjoyable but then emotions and jealousy take over. I had mine under control, I knew it was sex and nothing else but she became increasingly jealous seeing me with other people so we stopped. Then a year or so later she wanted to try again so we did, this time she fell for another person so we stopped again. We have discussed it again since (and yes it was raised by her) but decided that we are happy with what we have (at least that is what I thought we decided).
Bryanp Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I do hope both of you have been tested for STD's. Did you tell her how horrible and disrespecting it was to have sex in your home with other people. Your home is the very one place that should always be safe. The fact that she was doing this in your home is highly symbolic on multiple levels. She was symbolically defecating on your marriage and relationship by having sex with othersin your home behind your back. She knew exactly what she was doing and clearly did not care. Having illicit sex in your home is a deal breaker for most people.
AjisenHi Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Just a thought, You said everything was going great and you guys were working it out and growing up. OK. Sometimes when things are going great after tremendously hard times, you just can't quite believe it you know? It's like it's going too good. It actually creates it's own pressure, like how long will it keep going? When will it crash down on me? Sometimes, in that situation, people engage in self destructive behavior like what your wife did, just to be able to say " See, I knew it wouldn't last." JMO and I am sorry you and your kids are in this situation.
cocahouts Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Hey garfunckles......... Opening up to a stranger is hard at first....I never believed in that therapy **** either. I have a few friends that tried to help and then I blabbed all my dirt to some coworkers too while I was out of my mind. All of their advice was because of their friend ship with me, on my side. It's awesome for the support but some of the advice wasn't the best and backfired on my horribly. I've been a cold blooded person my whole life. After this mess I am going through I hit rock bottom and couldn't focus on anything, I lost 70lbs just because I FORGOT to eat. I really hurt myself physically. After a few questions with a therapist I broke down like a baby. The Therapist talked me though a lot of painful things. They are someone I will never hang out with or drink a beer with. They kinda don't care either way but opening up to someone about EVERYTHING felt really good. It took a few sessions before I let it all out and now it does feel a lot better. I don’t get judged either way so it actually felt good. It sucks because it’s costly but you have to openly give it a try before you quit on it. I feel better going, but everyone is different. That’s wonderful about the abuse, lack of that is. I almost went that way myself and it sounds like we’re a little alike. My wife’s always played with the idea of threesomes with another woman, but it sounds to emotional involved to be worth it. Catch ya later
dragon_fly_7 Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 What's the point of a relationship if both of you cheated on each other? The OP also cheated so he shouldn't be held to high grounds. And please, both of you get tested for STD's if for some reason you want to contine this toxic relationship. 1
Author garfunckles Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 Well after reading all the replies I swallowed my pride and we did go to a marriage counselor. I didn't expect miracles, in fact I was rather skeptical but I had nothing to lose. I wanted to save my relationship and I wasn't going to be able to do it alone. A month later and about a dozen sessions and I have learnt so much about myself, about what is required to make a marriage work, and most importantly she has opened up about what happened and why. The threesome was a once off but she had been seeing the woman for a fair while (the guy was the other woman's husband). She says she still wants to see women, or have a girlfriend. Not sure yet how I feel about that but at least we are talking about it. What I thought was communicating before is nothing to what I know now, we are so much better at being open and honest with each other and even out of the counseling sessions we are able to discuss and work through where we both are in life. The one thing that we both realise is that we want to be together and that it's worth the fight. We have a stumbling block in her desire to be with women and I'm not sure how that will play out. But apart from that we are closer than ever. I am glad I was pushed in the direction of a counselor. 5
bosunmate Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I'm just not sure I can open up to a stranger. We are talking martial problems, these are private problems. Your talking to strangers now, I believe that without professional help you two are down a path that will eventually end your marriage. If you truly love your wife and want to make it work you will seek help. I wish you luck because you two really need some help. There are little children who will suffer. Please rethink about seeking help..
Bryanp Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 She still says she wants to see other women or have a girlfriend. WHAT? What if you said you still want to see other women and have a girlfriend as well? This is ridiculous. CHEATING IS CHEATING. Your girlfriend has told you quite clearly that she does not wish to be monogamous. Is this how you want to bring your children up? She wants to be together with you and have sex with other women. Is this what you want?
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