Road bumps

[gettingstronger]

I have read for a while-learned a bunch-this may have been posted before but I really need input-

 

I am 13 months out from Dday- we have good days and bad days. He has been working hard to mend our marriage but I still have this nagging feeling that all of the lies he told during the affair have forever changed how I feel about him as a person. I am in IC and so is he-MC did not seem to work well as we could not find someone that was balanced enough to see both sides-

 

Question- is it fair to either of us to be in a marriage where I do not fully respect him as a person- is it normal to still be hung up on his ability to lie so easily this far out from dday?

 

I will add that the OW still intrudes often, to the point where we have had to get an atty involved. I am unsure if this delays/renews my negative feelings about him-

[whatatangledweb]

I believe it is because the OW keeps intruding. That brings pain and resentment. It's hard to heal when she keeps appearing. It feels like d-day every time.

[gettingstronger]

Thanks and I agree- its like a bruise that won't heal because it keeps getting bumped-my husband tries to understand but he feels like it changes nothing between he and I- I think its because it makes him angry when she intrudes which is helpful in a way to him in that it furthers his resolve that being involved with her was the biggest mistake of his life- for me on the other hand it reminds me of what a liar he was and what kind of person he found value in-

[confusedandhurt2002]

I have a hard time respecting my husband. He lied and was a manipulator. Looking at him makes me sick sometimes. He's been trying so hard in the last seven months but I can't seem to get past the anger and disgust. I look at him and think, "What if he is still that person?"

 

 

He told me last week, when I was asking him questions: "I know you need to ask this stuff and know this stuff, but I hate thinking of who I was at that time. I hate who I was and I never want to be that person again."

 

 

I always hope what he is saying is true and so far it seems so. He's changed A LOT in the last seven months. he's also much happier than he was when he was with her.

 

The OW has stayed out of the picture, other than posting some stuff on her social media. I'm nervous this week because I think she and her husband are splitting, which means she'll be free to try to come after my husband again. But she lives several states away so I doubt she'll make the effort.

[gettingstronger]

EXACTLY- my husband also hates who is was and so do I- it does so bother me that he was ever like that-its just so yuck-as they say, you can't unring the bell and I hope that eventually I will see him only for who he is now and not who he was capable of being-

[yellowmaverick]

I feel much like you do. The respect for my WH is just not there, but TBH, he hasn't earned it. We had the awesome experience of a bunny boiler OW as well. Even if I could forgive him for the affair, I don't think I could ever forgive him for bringing that trashy psycho into our lives.

[katielee]

the road bumps ARE difficult. People aren't perfect. My husband had two affairs. I kept thinking that there should be NOTHING else I have to put up with. But I do, because cluelessness takes a while to cure and look at, if you've done it your entire life.

 

Two years later I see the man emerging that I married. It's SO HARD to incorporate what has happened into the marriage because that person you love did it. So, who is he really? Time going by and seeing him trying has really helped. I may add that I am a former wayward myself and him seeing me work hard at this has helped him.

 

The OW in our case do not intrude but they still live here and yes, when I see them, it's like my wound reopening, it has greatly slowed our healing in my opinion, and its difficult (for me at least) not to blame him when this happens.