yogagirl75 Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Hi Everyone, I'm new to this forum but am hoping that I can get some advice on how to cope with an emotional affair that recently and abruptly ended. In 2001, I began dating this man but our courtship but abruptly halted when 9/11 happened (we both worked for the airlines which is how we met). A few months later I met and dated another man for several year and lost contact with original guy until 2006 when the relationship ended. At the time we were both going through breakups and became friends, supporting each other through our losses and encouraging one another. I met my now husband in 2008 who I love and adore and continued my friendship with this other man. Last October I went through a medical scare where there was a possibility of me dying, at which time this other man decided to come forward to admit to loving me all of the years. Though I tried to deny it myself, I had felt the same and so the 'emotional affair' began. We texted, emailed, Facebooked, even chatted on the phone a few times and plotted how we were going to leave our relationships to be together. I had an extremely difficult time imagining leaving my husband I he is the best man I know and it literally made me sick to my stomach even thinking about it, yet I could not get away from the intense feelings I had/have for this other man. A few weeks ago his live-in girlfriend found our communications via Facebook and our Emotional Affair abruptly ended. At first I was extremely relieved as it meant not leaving my husband but now all I can feel is total heartbreak. I HATE feeling this way as I WANT to love my husband! We since broken all communication but his girlfriend has tried contacting me. I never meant to cheat and until I looked it up on the web, I didn't even know it had a name: Emotional Affair. Any advice on how to move on is greatly appreciated!
solostandconfused14 Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Hey, I feel exactly as you do. I had been having an emotional affair for the last year and half. It recently ended. Not my choice, his, because he felt were too attached to each other. Like you, my husband is great and I don't want to hurt him, but cant get my other man out my heart. It's been 3 weeks and it still hurts. My advice, take it day by day, acknowledge the hurt and pain and realize everything happens for a reason. I cant tell you when its going to get better or easier, because I'm still in pain. But know that it will get better with time. It heals everything. At least that's what I hope.
sweet_pea Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Tell your husband before his girlfriend does. 2
Popsicle Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Forget it ever happened. Seriously. No excuses. Just forget about it. It was all a dream. 1
Waverly Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Though I tried to deny it myself, I had felt the same and so the 'emotional affair' began. We texted, emailed, Facebooked, even chatted on the phone a few times and plotted how we were going to leave our relationships to be together. I had an extremely difficult time imagining leaving my husband I he is the best man I know and it literally made me sick to my stomach even thinking about it, yet I could not get away from the intense feelings I had/have for this other man. Hi, yogagirl. I'm sorry you're going through this. I could have basically written that above paragraph myself. My husband is (was?) my best friend, but I cheated on him with a friend who I'd always had feelings for. We, too, had that "confession" followed almost immediately by the "how will we make this work?" conversations. I never hated my husband, I never in a million years would have considered leaving him in any other scenario... and part of me wondered if I'd really have it in me to do it for this one. Anyway, long story short, my xAP and I didn't get busted, but it did end. And yes, there's a part of me, too, that feels relieved to not have to leave my marriage and my family, but it's still really hard to put away these other feelings that I'd ignored for so many years. I haven't confessed to my husband yet, and I don't know if you should or not. A lot of people here, of course, advocate strongly for it, and I certainly understand the reasoning. I don't know that there's one right answer to the question of whether to tell or not, so I'm going to stay out of the fray on that one. But I do know, first-hand, how hard it is to be in your situation. I'm still in the thick of it, and not always the best at following my own advice (I'm trying), but I know that giving yourself the time and space to recover from this is really the only answer. I think you're doing the right thing by not talking, and would encourage you to keep it that way. That said....I also think you should use this time to really think about what you want. Is it your husband? If you're anything like me, you may not even totally know the answer to that. But I would definitely give yourself the time to really think about what has happened, and why, and where you go from here. 1
herself Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 How is everyone's recovery? Low to no contact.here. Healing, very good days, some sad low days. Nc after 13 yrs. seemed daunting and no good forever...it was 50 days of solid NC or more. Tough. I wish we could address the fight & final breakdown. Would be even easier to turn page but I dont know if we can discuss. It was aweful & hurt us both badly. But discussing would involve too much emotion so we talk around it. Just venting. Just like to hear how u guys are recovering?
Waverly Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 How is everyone's recovery? Low to no contact.here. Healing, very good days, some sad low days. Nc after 13 yrs. seemed daunting and no good forever...it was 50 days of solid NC or more. Tough. I wish we could address the fight & final breakdown. Would be even easier to turn page but I dont know if we can discuss. It was aweful & hurt us both badly. But discussing would involve too much emotion so we talk around it. Just venting. Just like to hear how u guys are recovering? I'm glad you're still here. I know you're struggling with not having been able to have that final conversation, and I totally get it. If it's any comfort though, it might not necessarily give you the answers you're looking for. My A both ended suddenly, and also was drawn out for ages. There was an obvious breaking point, where we reached that point of realizing it couldn't actually go any further, so needed to stop. Neither of us were in it for the A, we both wanted it to become permanent, and when it couldn't, it had to end. But we kept talking. And talking. And talking. We went around in circles for months - longer than the length of the actual affair - just talking about everything. It helped and it didn't, at the same time. On the one hand, I knew really clearly how he was feeling, and that the A didn't end because he had a sudden change of heart or anything like that. But it still ended, you know? And while I did everything I possibly could to hold onto part of him for as long as I possibly could, I also partially feel like if maybe I had just let it go when it first ended, I'd be farther along with my own healing by now. As it stands, I feel as close to it as I did on day one of it ending. I know that's not at all what you've been doing (please don't misunderstand!), but that part of me that knows how he's feeling is making it even harder for me to let go.
herself Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I try not to post here (it hurts me, the replies, though folks mean well) but was reading older threads last night & this one resonated with me. I believe there will come a time when we will have to say goodbye. I know what you went through,what we all are going through is soul torture. I have felt spme healing & the slow trickle goodbye is less hurtful for ME, but overall a cold turkey clean break is better indeed. A good friend told me i will be done with him when I have taken all my lessons from it (and also felt enough pain)! I feel like everything is gonna be alright in the longrun. Missing someone is the worst grieving feeling, but its gotten easier and we can still land on our feet. 1
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