RLoner Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Last year I divorced by then wife, who was really my junior high SH after finding out about her multiple affairs. It was really horrible and I haven't recovered completely yet. I'm now 23 years old (no kids yet) and haven't gotten into a relationship. Another thing to add: I've always been a kind of reserved, shy man (still can be at times) and don't feel comfortable being in loud places. It was really her that once started talking to me during math class (she needed help on a math problem) and I got comfortable and it went on from there; our parents used to get along with each other too. We were 14 at the time and got married at the age of 20. Fastforward: Now I feel kind of lost and since that's the only woman I ever had and unfortunately it ended badly, I'm getting used to what's it like being single, not a single woman approaching me and I'm doing all the pursuing and some of them are taken or not available. It feels like talking to strangers and it either getting no where and what the type I'm looking for or I can't even connect to them. It's so hard the single world. Sometimes this makes me feel frustrated. I know everything about how to act in a relationship and all the aspects of it but hardly anything about the single world and starting from zero. Basically, I only started pursing women before till after my divorce and I'm currently not doing so well for now. I don't want casual hook-ups, just want a relationship and not get burn this time. Will I get a chance again?? I'm seeing some of my friends who get out of relationships (1 got divorced too) get into another one and they aren't struggling. How do they do that? Sometimes I feel like an inexperienced man again.
what_a_blonde Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Could it be that as you are searching for a new girlfriend, you're trying to find someone with similar qualities as your ex (prior to her infidelity) and since none of them fit the bill, you kick em to the curb? Not sure I can help you with what exactly the problem is, but I can definitely say you need to be very open minded, with some boundaries in place still of course. I know many girlfriends who have struggled with your same issue... they've been single for years (with an occasional casual hook up here and there that obviously never turns serious), and they complain about it. I'm not trying to brag at all, but I've dated a couple different guys in the past few years, all in the time they have never been able to find one steady boyfriend. I contribute that to the fact that they are SO picky. They have this set of standards that the guy MUST meet, and they are not flexible. I really think that if they would bend a little in certain areas (i.e.... does he REALLY need to have a master's degree? does he REALLY need to have a degree at all? What if he started college, never finished, but has a GREAT career path...). Also, based on your post, it definitely sounds like you are still very hurt from your ex. I'm really sorry this happened to you, but know the only way you will ever find someone else is if you move on completely from this. Have you tried online dating? I know of quite a few successful couples who have met and married their now spouses via match and plenty of fish.
Author RLoner Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 (edited) I've tried online dating and nothing. After a while it gets tired of talking to randoms and it getting no where. It feels like a telemarketer where you're only lucky if you can manage to get one client after going through so many No's. It's not the same as when it's someone you already know and can tell where it's leading. It's definitely not the same as already being in the relationship. Maybe it's true I'm looking for those same qualities my ex wife had before she ruined it all; pretty, kind and most important smart (she was career-minded). Edited February 16, 2014 by RLoner
MrTurk Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 It's not the same as when it's someone you already know and can tell where it's leading. It's definitely not the same as already being in the relationship. You can spend hours and hours trying to get to know a woman from an online dating site, the conversation flows great, she acts as if shes really enjoying talking to you.... and as soon as you ask for her number, or ask her to meet.....she responds with " I'm just looking right now". As a guy, I want to get hit the ground running! I DO NOT want to waste weeks on a woman that ends up being wishy washy about meeting.....but MOST women in my experience, are scared off if I try to meet them too quick. Ive said it over and over.....guys are damned if they do and damned if they dont. Its a no win situation. We are forced into walking a tight rope, while juggling the ups and downs of emotion from each individual woman. Online dating advice 101 -email woman, and she replies -email back and forth a few messages, ask for her number within 2 days -call her and be ready with date plans if all goes well THATS what I try to do each time.....but in my years of online dating.....Ive had less than 5 women agree to talk and meet during the same week. -MANY women use online dating as a way to garner attention. -Many use it as a form of entertainment(they like to show their friends the messages they get, laughing at men with stupid profiles and pics) -SOME women do want to meet, and they will make plans to meet you, and then they get cold feet an hour before and either disappear on you, or they will make up an excuse, usually some family emergency, assuming you wont question anything. There ARE some good people on dating sites.....but they are a rare minority. It just depends on how much energy you have to weed through them. 1
Author RLoner Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 I know MrTurk and that really sucks. I only got lucky with my then wife that I didn't have to do none of that and our parents playing an influence on getting us closer too. Now I know how hard it's being a pursuer. I think I'm going to take a break from the dating world for the meantime.
JourneyLady Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 You can spend hours and hours trying to get to know a woman from an online dating site, the conversation flows great, she acts as if shes really enjoying talking to you.... and as soon as you ask for her number, or ask her to meet.....she responds with " I'm just looking right now". As a guy, I want to get hit the ground running! I DO NOT want to waste weeks on a woman that ends up being wishy washy about meeting.....but MOST women in my experience, are scared off if I try to meet them too quick. Ive said it over and over.....guys are damned if they do and damned if they dont. Its a no win situation. We are forced into walking a tight rope, while juggling the ups and downs of emotion from each individual woman. Online dating advice 101 -email woman, and she replies -email back and forth a few messages, ask for her number within 2 days -call her and be ready with date plans if all goes well THATS what I try to do each time.....but in my years of online dating.....Ive had less than 5 women agree to talk and meet during the same week. -MANY women use online dating as a way to garner attention. -Many use it as a form of entertainment(they like to show their friends the messages they get, laughing at men with stupid profiles and pics) -SOME women do want to meet, and they will make plans to meet you, and then they get cold feet an hour before and either disappear on you, or they will make up an excuse, usually some family emergency, assuming you wont question anything. There ARE some good people on dating sites.....but they are a rare minority. It just depends on how much energy you have to weed through them. Well at least you and I are on the same page. (See my last initiated thread). But I like your advice to the guys - particularly "-call her and be ready with date plans if all goes well". :-D 1
MrTurk Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Well at least you and I are on the same page. (See my last initiated thread). But I like your advice to the guys - particularly "-call her and be ready with date plans if all goes well". :-D Thanks. Thats the easy part. Knowing how to present myself as a mature, respectful guy isnt hard at all. The hard part is getting a woman to give me the chance to show her.
Tayken Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 @OP..... 23 and already divorced? There are some that will say you were barely out of diapers, let alone mature enough to be getting married. By that age, most people are just coming off college and starting to carve out a career in life and lay foundation for the future Hopefully you have learned from this, know what you are looking for going forwards and have your red flags. "they" usually say it takes minimum 2yrs after a divorce before you are ready again to dip your toes...I'll say take a break and don't go be tying the knot with anyone again so soon. Just date and have fun Good luck
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