Any words and experiences are appreciated.

[STM206]

Hi there,

 

I came across your forum after spending hours on end on the how, what & whys my partner and I of 4 years didn't make it.

 

We had a good relationship with more highs than lows. We traveled, and did everything we could together. We enjoyed each others company. He had a friend when we met that apparently had feelings for him and he had to cut him off after he made threats (I don't know what to believe out of all this since I never had the chance to sit with his friend and hear his side of the story)

 

I was living with my parents at the time, and after dating a while he moved in with us. We all meshed well and respected each others boundaries.

 

He was such a loving and giving person when it came to gifts, thoughts and so forth.

 

However, he always seemed to be grasping for the next thing. He often complained about the money he made 30,000+ a year) which in my mind was a decent income for the job he had. He's lived in different states and has never seemed to settle. The fact that he was able to pack up everything in an hour and stuff it into his car makes me wonder if he ever really settled down.

 

Even a couple weeks before he left, he seemed a little distant but wasn't giving me signs that he was checking out. We started cuddling again, healing, and so forth. He even went out of his way to get me a desktop to pursue my art.

 

My parents advised us to stay rent free for a few years and save up money. Neither of us did. My jobs were sporadic as I worked in adult family homes which lead to one gain and loss after another. I know this affected him.

 

He often went into credit card debt and often was paying things off, he's always been someone who enjoyed material things, he comes from a family that puts a high value on material things.

 

He broke up with me and I felt blindsided, just an hour before he was talking to my mom and said he wasn't going anywhere. He has dealt with anxiety issues for a long time. When he left, he placed the blame on me and wanted to "go figure things out".

 

I waited a few days (I know, I didn't know about the NC rule at the time) and reached out to only be faced with what felt like a complete stranger. This was my first serious relationship and my first love so everything was so new, they really need to hand out manuals for those getting involved. This past month and 1/2 I feel like I've been in hell. I've texted about 5 times (never went completely psychotic/stalker on him) but I kept getting shut down.

 

He basically told me he knows in his heart this is the right thing. A mutual friend told me he's planning on moving out of state.

 

This is killing me. From someone who said they would always be with me to this. I just feel so lost and alone... I really thought I had found my "lobster" for life, someone that was going to grow old with me.

 

The thing is he left but left without really knowing what he wanted. All the reasons he left were easily fixable things. If he had communicated that he wanted to move out, that he wanted me to put aside my art and get full time work, I would've done that. He never vocalized the severity if his feelings. He was the one who more often than not stated how much he enjoyed having a "family" since he's never really had that before. He left on a whim and that was it, moments before everything was fine.

 

I had my flaws and he had his, but aren't flaws what make a relationship stronger? Learning to accept AND work on those flaws... Together?

 

Is this a case of the grass is greener on the other side? I know he's done, and that part hurts so much. We both reacted in pure harsh ways after the break up, but whatever happened to fighting for what you had, for the time you put into your relationship?

 

I've lost so much weight, the mornings my anxiety is through the roof and I can't figure out my next step. I really do love him and am having a hard time seeing myself without him.

 

He hasn't once initiated a call or text just to ask how I was doing, he shut me out and that was it.

 

I feel like I tried so hard, and would have been so willing to make the changes needed to make things work... I feel like I've fought and have sacrificed my pride for this person, only to get kicked in the teeth.

 

I know things are over, but why does it still hurt so much?

Edited February 16, 2014 by STM206

[flightplan]

Your story has a very familiar ring around these parts. A lot of us have experienced a partner who wouldn't fight for what we thought was worth fighting for. But the simple truth is they don't feel like it's worth fighting for. If they did, they would. He's moving on. From someone who has recently been there, take him for his word and do yourself a favor. Start the process of moving on. Don't fight for him because you're fighting alone. Hold your head up, be proud of who you are and let him go. Focus on your well being... not his.

[STM206]

I guess time heals all wounds right?

 

It's so weird how the mornings and afternoons are the worst, then by night I can feel a little more at ease.

 

I'm trying so hard to let to, there's just so many memories that linger of how good we were together.

 

Is it bad that I actually hope he deals with this one day?

[OzHeartache]

I feel for you STM

 

 

Im in a similar boat but I was only with my Girl for about 4 months, I got the "im just not feeling it" speech but Im pretty sure she is scared of commitment and is too independent to ever actually let go of that to commit to someone

 

 

 

The hardest part I find is going from the them being part of your life everyday (in person or even just a text at night to see how your day was) to absolutely NOTHING............. Its so cold and hard but as many will say, its the only way to heal and move on... NC

 

 

Im trying to keep busy, thinking positive but its like a merry go round.... ups and downs, you just have to roll with them but as Flightplan says.... Just have to let them go as you cant make people change their feelings for you....it sucks but its life and its tough...... Your not alone though, there are many here that are going through the same thing just gotta "keep going" day by day

[STM206]

I feel for you STM

 

 

Im in a similar boat but I was only with my Girl for about 4 months, I got the "im just not feeling it" speech but Im pretty sure she is scared of commitment and is too independent to ever actually let go of that to commit to someone

 

 

 

The hardest part I find is going from the them being part of your life everyday (in person or even just a text at night to see how your day was) to absolutely NOTHING............. Its so cold and hard but as many will say, its the only way to heal and move on... NC

 

 

Im trying to keep busy, thinking positive but its like a merry go round.... ups and downs, you just have to roll with them but as Flightplan says.... Just have to let them go as you cant make people change their feelings for you....it sucks but its life and its tough...... Your not alone though, there are many here that are going through the same thing just gotta "keep going" day by day

 

Day by day is all you can do!

 

If you feel like breaking down and crying, don't hold back. Letting it out helps so much, there will come a day where you might be crying and you'll stop and say "enough!" You do not define my life, I deserve so much better than this... You didn't stick around, and you didn't have the decency to check on me... The. You realize... It's not me, it really IS them. They run off, not knowing what they want. Yet you were so secure in yourself and with them. That is a character trait that people could only wish to have. Never lose that!

[OzHeartache]

yeah I have cried many times STM the last week and half since it happened, I can just be sitting there an bang, it hits......Im partly angry at myself though for letting her become my life... I know that's something I need to work on and am trying to fix that.....not really sure how but been trying to keep busy and going out and doing things and running pretty much everyday...even though I don't feel like it because I miss her and her being part of my life....it just feels like a waste but I cant do anything about it, its her choice, she doesn't want to be with me because "she just isn't feeling it"..... I try not to take that personally.....but how can you not!

 

 

I just want to be happy again, I wish it was with her but I know that's now in my past, I need to look forward so that I can become happy and that she is now just part of my memories

 

 

Prob is my confidence is so shot I don't know If I can ever be with someone again, I know (hope!) that fades with time because I know im an awesome boyfriend and the last 2 that dumped me said so, It's just I wasn't for them and that hurts no matter how you look at it

 

 

 

Anyway I feel stupid as my relationship only lasted 4 months, yours was 4 years!......How are YOU holding up STM ??

 

 

 

 

Day by day is all you can do!

 

If you feel like breaking down and crying, don't hold back. Letting it out helps so much, there will come a day where you might be crying and you'll stop and say "enough!" You do not define my life, I deserve so much better than this... You didn't stick around, and you didn't have the decency to check on me... The. You realize... It's not me, it really IS them. They run off, not knowing what they want. Yet you were so secure in yourself and with them. That is a character trait that people could only wish to have. Never lose that!

[lakerman34]

He seems very volatile. Like he could never guarantee that he wouldn't wake up and feel differently about the two of you.

 

Honestly, he sounds INCREDIBLY immature. He doesn't seem like he was ready for a committed relationship. Inability to stay grounded is a sign of committal issues. But, at the same time, I can't really blame him -- I, too, have plans of moving all around the States until I find somewhere that I want to settle.

 

I don't have any relationship stories that are similar to yours, but my younger brother does. He and his girlfriend were dating for about 2-2.5 years. She became part of the family. My mom would yell at me because I never had a conversation with her that lasted more than 5 words (I was never really interested in talking to her because, well, I'm a VERY intuitive guy and felt like she wasn't the girl my little brother would settle down with -- partially because of his youth and immaturity).

 

They went to Greece together -- my mom, my dad, my little brother, and his girlfriend. Everything seemed alright. Then, my little brother and my dad opened up a restaurant together, and about 2 or 3 months in, my little brother started "playing" with one of the waitresses and dumped his girlfriend for this waitress (who never turned into anything serious).

 

Now, my parents aren't as aware of things as I am (that intuition again), but I know that a BIG reason why my little brother dropped the girl was because he's only 21 and it was WAY too serious. Her parents treated him like a son, and my parents treated his girlfriend like a daughter. My mom CRIED when she learned that she wasn't going to see her again -- she even TEXTED HER to tell her that she is willing to talk to her if she needs it (which I thought was ridiculous of my mother, but anyway).

 

Point is, being "all growed up" and having to deal with the reality that "damn, I might have to settle down with THIS girl" scares A LOT of people. I'm currently getting over a girl (on my 2nd day of NC) who I didn't even DATE but CHASED for 14 months. We never dated, and she claims that we didn't have any chemistry, but I think she sort of "blocked" any chemistry from happening because I know FOR A FACT that she NEVER met a guy, not even guys she dated, that gave her what I did (she spilled secrets out to me and we had moments that I know NO OTHER GUY got the privilege of seeing). Still, I think the "no chemistry" thing is the same reason why your guy left. It's a fear of commitment with someone who just may be the person you end up with for life. At such a young age, that scares A LOT of people. It takes a lot of maturity and a lot of faith to take that leap.

 

My advice? Assume it's over. NC. Don't talk to him. Ever. Only entertain the thought if HE comes to YOU and asks to talk. Even then, play unavailable. "I'm busy, but I have thirty minutes Wednesday night." If he says something worth listening to, you can extend the time WHEN YOU'RE DRINKING COFFEE or whatever, but if he's full of BS and isn't really saying anything, just excuse yourself after 30 minutes. Also, make sure HE steers the conversation. You just LISTEN and nod in approval.

 

Otherwise, NC. Fall in love again with a passion. Fall in love with yourself. Meditate. Take up yoga. Go to the gym an extra day a week. Get into a hobby you were always interested in. Try out that Thai restaurant you always wanted to try out but didn't because Thai food doesn't settle well with him. Fall in love WITH YOU.

[STM206]

He seems very volatile. Like he could never guarantee that he wouldn't wake up and feel differently about the two of you.

 

Honestly, he sounds INCREDIBLY immature. He doesn't seem like he was ready for a committed relationship. Inability to stay grounded is a sign of committal issues. But, at the same time, I can't really blame him -- I, too, have plans of moving all around the States until I find somewhere that I want to settle.

 

I don't have any relationship stories that are similar to yours, but my younger brother does. He and his girlfriend were dating for about 2-2.5 years. She became part of the family. My mom would yell at me because I never had a conversation with her that lasted more than 5 words (I was never really interested in talking to her because, well, I'm a VERY intuitive guy and felt like she wasn't the girl my little brother would settle down with -- partially because of his youth and immaturity).

 

They went to Greece together -- my mom, my dad, my little brother, and his girlfriend. Everything seemed alright. Then, my little brother and my dad opened up a restaurant together, and about 2 or 3 months in, my little brother started "playing" with one of the waitresses and dumped his girlfriend for this waitress (who never turned into anything serious).

 

Now, my parents aren't as aware of things as I am (that intuition again), but I know that a BIG reason why my little brother dropped the girl was because he's only 21 and it was WAY too serious. Her parents treated him like a son, and my parents treated his girlfriend like a daughter. My mom CRIED when she learned that she wasn't going to see her again -- she even TEXTED HER to tell her that she is willing to talk to her if she needs it (which I thought was ridiculous of my mother, but anyway).

 

Point is, being "all growed up" and having to deal with the reality that "damn, I might have to settle down with THIS girl" scares A LOT of people. I'm currently getting over a girl (on my 2nd day of NC) who I didn't even DATE but CHASED for 14 months. We never dated, and she claims that we didn't have any chemistry, but I think she sort of "blocked" any chemistry from happening because I know FOR A FACT that she NEVER met a guy, not even guys she dated, that gave her what I did (she spilled secrets out to me and we had moments that I know NO OTHER GUY got the privilege of seeing). Still, I think the "no chemistry" thing is the same reason why your guy left. It's a fear of commitment with someone who just may be the person you end up with for life. At such a young age, that scares A LOT of people. It takes a lot of maturity and a lot of faith to take that leap.

 

My advice? Assume it's over. NC. Don't talk to him. Ever. Only entertain the thought if HE comes to YOU and asks to talk. Even then, play unavailable. "I'm busy, but I have thirty minutes Wednesday night." If he says something worth listening to, you can extend the time WHEN YOU'RE DRINKING COFFEE or whatever, but if he's full of BS and isn't really saying anything, just excuse yourself after 30 minutes. Also, make sure HE steers the conversation. You just LISTEN and nod in approval.

 

Otherwise, NC. Fall in love again with a passion. Fall in love with yourself. Meditate. Take up yoga. Go to the gym an extra day a week. Get into a hobby you were always interested in. Try out that Thai restaurant you always wanted to try out but didn't because Thai food doesn't settle well with him. Fall in love WITH YOU.

 

Well said. I won't have to worry about him contacting me for coffee unless he expects to fly up from California to do so. I know in my heart I'll hear from him again, and I hope at that point in time I'll get the notification and maybe even ignore it. Like I really want to get to the stage where he isn't even a factor in my life anymore just like he made me feel. Awe poor thing, you've hit rock bottom and you're looking for sympathy? Go find it elsewhere.

 

That's my next step, well the step I'm working towards, loving myself again, I never had the best self esteem so I have to do it for me.

 

You have some of the best advice, seriously!