JourneyLady Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 First I'll give the 2 scenarios... 1) Chatting with a man over several days. We met for coffee. Says hello in chat on POF and exchanged pleasantries. Then he says (in chat) that "we can go out if you'd like to." My reply "Sure!" Over several days, waited for an actual invite... Nothing. Result: I left POF as I was getting discouraged there. 2) Another site (I'm still there so far). Another guy and I having a good conversation. I'm not saying more than he is, but giving some intriguing (I hope) information. He says before logging off he wants to ask me out. I ask when. He says he's got to figure it out. Couple days later (when I haven't contacted him) he says either Monday or Tuesday. I reply that Monday is better for me. He logged on since and wished me a Happy Valentine's day, and I replied the same. Here it is Sunday and no firm date for tomorrow OR Tuesday. I can't figure out why this keeps happening. They ask me out and then don't set a date and time. I'm not waiting around, of course, but it bugs me to anticipate meeting someone new (or seeing them again in the 1st case) and then nothing happens. I'm being responsive and not playing hard to get or playing games, but I'm not chasing either. Both these guys get online practically every day - I see it when I'm checking emails from other people.
HappyLove Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Get used to this with OLD. It's easy for people to talk you up and not follow through. Take it as a sign to how things will be in the future with them. Too many games with OLDing. Basically your serious they aren't.
Keenly Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Get used to this with OLD. It's easy for people to talk you up and not follow through. Take it as a sign to how things will be in the future with them. Too many games with OLDing. Basically your serious they aren't. She has shown evidence of being no more serious than they are. Its 2014. Women can actually initiate a date these days.
Author JourneyLady Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 So why not ask them out? I've answered that question in another thread. But suffice to say they DID ask me out already; just didn't set a date and time. We're just talking about first or second meetings here, not a wedding. I don't want to be chasing a guy down because every time I've done it, it turns out he was not really into me but just killing time between women he wanted to pursue. 1
Author JourneyLady Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 Get used to this with OLD. It's easy for people to talk you up and not follow through. Take it as a sign to how things will be in the future with them. Too many games with OLDing. Basically your serious they aren't. Thanks. I was sort of afraid of that. I don't like playing games, but I did think if they actually asked me to go out, they'd be serious enough to set a date and time. But... what they've done is self-defeating. This is a small town and I have quite a few single women friends as well and we talk. I'll probably go off the second site and wait another couple months, or hide my profile and wait for a bunch of new people. Most of these guys have been on there for at least a year and are constantly on. I think I was just "new girl" and they wanted to chat me up.
Author JourneyLady Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 She has shown evidence of being no more serious than they are. Its 2014. Women can actually initiate a date these days. Keenly, they already INITIATED a date. They just didn't follow up with a time when I responded "sure". I've been accused of being "needy" in the past - you think I should chase them down and get rejected some more? I ASKED the 2nd guy for a place and time. He didn't come up with an answer. No thanks. Besides I've seen your advice in other threads and you have no idea what it is like for a woman in her 50's.
Keenly Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Keenly, they already INITIATED a date. They just didn't follow up with a time when I responded "sure". I've been accused of being "needy" in the past - you think I should chase them down and get rejected some more? No thanks. Besides I've seen your advice in other threads and you have no idea what it is like for a woman in her 50's. You are absolutely right, I don't. But I can tell you that making a move has greater chances than passively awaiting a move. Maybe a clear sign of interested expressed in their direction will help ?
Author JourneyLady Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 Forgot to mention I actually gave the first guy my phone number. He's not called me once in two weeks. No, he wasn't serious. And I think I know why. I'm not the skinny professional they are hoping to find. I'm overweight (but have been losing), and a creative artist/writer on a budget. Nope - these guys think they can do better, but meanwhile wasting my time.
Author JourneyLady Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 You are absolutely right, I don't. But I can tell you that making a move has greater chances than passively awaiting a move. Maybe a clear sign of interested expressed in their direction will help ? Other than 1) giving them my phone number and 2) telling them which day of the two they mentioned is better for me; what do you think I should do.... Research their address and phone number and go knock on their doors or show up at their work? I'm not a stalker, dearie. My making further moves will end up with me being the convenient person like I was with ex-boyfriend who never contributed very much to our relationship of five years. Because he didn't have to - I did it all. Even came up with the trip ideas and outings (and paid for most of those).
Weezy1973 Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Forgot to mention I actually gave the first guy my phone number. He's not called me once in two weeks. No, he wasn't serious. And I think I know why. I'm not the skinny professional they are hoping to find. I'm overweight (but have been losing), and a creative artist/writer on a budget. Nope - these guys think they can do better, but meanwhile wasting my time. If they think they can do better, then they were a bad match to begin with and you're lucky they did not follow through on planning a date. It's hard to understand, but with OLD (actually just dating in general), rejection is a good thing. You have to embrace being rejected, as that person is now letting you pursue someone that is a better match for you. A man who loves your physical appearance and lifestyle will not flake on making plans for the first date.
Author JourneyLady Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 If they think they can do better, then they were a bad match to begin with and you're lucky they did not follow through on planning a date. It's hard to understand, but with OLD (actually just dating in general), rejection is a good thing. You have to embrace being rejected, as that person is now letting you pursue someone that is a better match for you. A man who loves your physical appearance and lifestyle will not flake on making plans for the first date. Thanks. I'm doing my best to think of it that way. It's just hard for me to understand why someone would pretend they were going to ask me out and then stop negotiations in the beginning or middle of them. FWIW (everyone) I just messaged a different guy, said I liked his profile and if he is interested in meeting up, please message me back. We'll see how far "being forward" right out of the box gets me. (eh Keenly?)
Eivuwan Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Could it just be that you're on the wrong dating sites? POF is for people looking for hookups. I think you're better off with something like eharmony. 1
newmoon Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 First I'll give the 2 scenarios... 1) Chatting with a man over several days. We met for coffee. Says hello in chat on POF and exchanged pleasantries. Then he says (in chat) that "we can go out if you'd like to." My reply "Sure!" Over several days, waited for an actual invite... Nothing. Result: I left POF as I was getting discouraged there. 2) Another site (I'm still there so far). Another guy and I having a good conversation. I'm not saying more than he is, but giving some intriguing (I hope) information. He says before logging off he wants to ask me out. I ask when. He says he's got to figure it out. Couple days later (when I haven't contacted him) he says either Monday or Tuesday. I reply that Monday is better for me. He logged on since and wished me a Happy Valentine's day, and I replied the same. Here it is Sunday and no firm date for tomorrow OR Tuesday. I can't figure out why this keeps happening. They ask me out and then don't set a date and time. I'm not waiting around, of course, but it bugs me to anticipate meeting someone new (or seeing them again in the 1st case) and then nothing happens. I'm being responsive and not playing hard to get or playing games, but I'm not chasing either. Both these guys get online practically every day - I see it when I'm checking emails from other people. very common, it's not you. many many chats and emails for me have gone this way. they just don't follow through. don't worry over them and move on to the next. if they ask in the first chat/email to meet it's usually a bad sign ime. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Happens all of the time. For every great date you go out on as a female you've probably experienced 10 flakers, either who ask you out then don't make a date, or people who just drop off the face of the planet (which is fine). It's much, much harder for guys, too! Just ignore. I learnt not to put too much stock into dates etc. until they actually happened. If a guy asked me out and I said yes I'd make sure we spoke on the phone before the evening to confirm. And I was always quite dubious they'd show up until I actually saw them. Never got stood up though, but had my share of 'we should go on a date' 'okay, when?' 'I'll let you know' NOTHING. And sometimes I'd get back in touch and say 'so this week is shaping up pretty busy, if you still want to go out let me know so we can arrange something before I run out of days!' and still nothing. It's good, shows you someone's character before you've even wasted a night meeting them. 3
HappyLove Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 First rule in OLDing, you can't take things personally. OLDing has a multitude of flaws and fake people and misrepresentations. God only knows why people do the things they do with OLDing. You should be doing the dance of joy right now because you got these two out the way with no attachment. Talk to some of the women around here who've dated these guys for up to 3 months or even 6 months only to have them drop off the face of the Earth with no explanation. Needless to say I don't OLD anymore, too many games. I'll take my chances in the real world. 1
deathandtaxes Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 It might be the caliber of some of the guys that use online dating. They're just too passive in life and can't close the deal. Shame on them. 2
Author JourneyLady Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 Thank you all. The 1st scenario was indeed POF and I left there. The second was OKC, as my last relationship (ended 1.5 years ago) was with someone from there (in a different city). I am also on Evow, Zoosk and Tinder (Tinder because it's a yes/no site and I was hoping to get less "chatters". I think I may be on Match as well... need to check. And just a hint to the guys... IF you use the same name on all sites, it is easier to find you if you happen to message one of us who is not a paying member. :-D Though I do think paying for membership shows more seriousness; I just can't afford the high rates they charge (if you compare to email and online storage services vs service, the rates for online dating services are ridiculous considering it's all automated!!!) In a way, I feel sorry for the ones passing me up. You see, I was a horrible wife for over 25 years and learned and grew up after the divorce. So with my next relationship I learned to be a real giver; gave long massages, had as much sex as he was interested in having, helped him out with stuff, etc. etc. Unfortunately, he was like I had been when I was a wife. So I eventually had to dump him. I was physically affectionate in both cases (but that doesn't help if you're too selfish, I know now). So when they pass me by because of weight issues (which I am losing over the past year), I know darn well the one they go for is unlikely to have learned that lesson the hard way. So when they end up with someone who doesn't make love enough or massage enough, it's on them... :-D I'm in the long haul for the guy who can show me that he is as well... <3
HappyLove Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 "So when they pass me by because of weight issues (which I am losing over the past year), I know darn well the one they go for is unlikely to have learned that lesson the hard way. So when they end up with someone who doesn't make love enough or massage enough, it's on them... :-D" Again, you're taking things too personally. You have no idea why they aren't following through. Like everyone says OLDing is a numbers game. I'd advise not to mention your past relationships or weight issues. You probably aren't, just my two cents. Good luck! 2
Author JourneyLady Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 "So when they pass me by because of weight issues (which I am losing over the past year), I know darn well the one they go for is unlikely to have learned that lesson the hard way. So when they end up with someone who doesn't make love enough or massage enough, it's on them... :-D" Again, you're taking things too personally. You have no idea why they aren't following through. Like everyone says OLDing is a numbers game. I'd advise not to mention your past relationships or weight issues. You probably aren't, just my two cents. Good luck! Thanks. I suppose I'm a bit sensitive because my Jacka** of an ex-bf would remind me about my weight every time we had issues, even though he weighed exactly the same as me (and had one of those "pregnant" kind of tummies). I pretty much don't discriminate on weight btw, and am actually attracted to the guys between 180-215/220 more than others it seems like.
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Thanks. I suppose I'm a bit sensitive because my Jacka** of an ex-bf would remind me about my weight every time we had issues, even though he weighed exactly the same as me (and had one of those "pregnant" kind of tummies). I pretty much don't discriminate on weight btw, and am actually attracted to the guys between 180-215/220 more than others it seems like. OP I'm 140lbs at 5ft 9 and a US side 6-8 and it happened to me frequently too. Trust me, it's the nature of OLD, it's probably nothing to do with you. You could be anybody. These men and women are flaky whoever they're speaking to usually, until they meet that one person they want to change for (whether they manage to change or not is a different matter). 1
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 First I'll give the 2 scenarios... 1) Chatting with a man over several days. We met for coffee. Says hello in chat on POF and exchanged pleasantries. Then he says (in chat) that "we can go out if you'd like to." My reply "Sure!" Over several days, waited for an actual invite... Nothing. Result: I left POF as I was getting discouraged there. 2) Another site (I'm still there so far). Another guy and I having a good conversation. I'm not saying more than he is, but giving some intriguing (I hope) information. He says before logging off he wants to ask me out. I ask when. He says he's got to figure it out. Couple days later (when I haven't contacted him) he says either Monday or Tuesday. I reply that Monday is better for me. He logged on since and wished me a Happy Valentine's day, and I replied the same. Here it is Sunday and no firm date for tomorrow OR Tuesday. I can't figure out why this keeps happening. They ask me out and then don't set a date and time. I'm not waiting around, of course, but it bugs me to anticipate meeting someone new (or seeing them again in the 1st case) and then nothing happens. I'm being responsive and not playing hard to get or playing games, but I'm not chasing either. Both these guys get online practically every day - I see it when I'm checking emails from other people. I don't know I get the opposite problem. Women either never respond to my messages or as soon as I ask them out (after a back and forth of about 3-5 messages) they disappear. OLD is just a terrible platform. And yet I continue to use it. For reasons beyond my understanding... 1
Author JourneyLady Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 I don't know I get the opposite problem. Women either never respond to my messages or as soon as I ask them out (after a back and forth of about 3-5 messages) they disappear. OLD is just a terrible platform. And yet I continue to use it. For reasons beyond my understanding... Probably like me -- because it *promises* to be a quicker and easier way to meet people and actually find someone compatible. In practice, however, it attracts (apparently) a lot who don't really want a relationship all that much but are bored with themselves and just want to chat. I imagine that has to do with unsatisfactory chat sites. When I was getting over my five year relationship, I tried going on half a dozen of those just to have people to talk to since I didn't have people I could just call up and talk to, like now. Most of THOSE guys just wanted to sex cam. ;-p Which I wasn't into and was actually repelled by. So you have the sex fiends going on chat sites, the chatters going on dating sites, and the actual "wanting to find a relationship" types having a hit or miss experience. I've said before - someone should start a site where you only get local people, have a "yes or no" to meeting and only be able to assign dates and places to meeting up. That would take a lot of the bull**** out of this whole mess. (If there WERE a dating site like that, (and it was cheaper - say $5 per month) would you join?) :-) I know I would in a heartbeat!
Sunfire73 Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 You will have less flakers on a paid site. They are more serious. Been in pof and okc, but found my bf on Match. There are more guys there who are looking for a relationship. And don't just wait for guys to message you. Try to look and drop a hint or message them. Met my bf that way. I somehow made the first move. 1
Author JourneyLady Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 One of those "Ha ha, wouldn't you know it!" updates... #2 scenario (I really like this guy...) contacted me this evening and said we need to finish making plans to meet up - which we did. And a very nice LONG chat after plans were made. Exchanged phone numbers, email addresses and off site profiles... The one *I* contacted thinking the above would not happen contacted me back with phone number, and I had replied I would call tomorrow and set something up. Why do I have the feeling I am going to hit it off with the first one? :-D
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