ZombieEye Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 "I guess I get the opportunity to try something else." That was my WH's text to me last week. It was about a new project with his work, but wow, it hit me really bad because my mind connected it with his infidelities. I don't know why I'm obsessing over that still. It pops in my head. I keep thinking, I guess you did get to try something else. Lucky you. I get the opportunity to be hurt beyond belief. It's been about a year, and he's been phenomenal in his efforts toward R, in IC and MC, and things on so many levels are better, but is the price too high? Because here I am, triggered by an innocent text! Angry all over again. Just venting. Would discuss it with him, but I get the usual hugging, and reassurances, etc, (which he'd better do and he does, don't get me wrong) but I am so tired of talking about it and dealing with it I just want these surprise reminders to stop. Aaaagggh.
No Limit Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 If that's your way of thinking, the triggers will never end. And there are spouses who never stop having these triggers without anger or sorrow in response. Good luck.
Fluttershy Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Have you tried cognitive behaviour therapy? For instance when you get something this innocent that gets you dwelling and in a dark place you mentally place a stop sign infront of your eyes or snap a rubber band. (i did both). It took be a few month of consistently doing this but did help me. I also got busy when I could if i was dwelling and torturing myself. It worked wonders for me but I kept stopping and giving in tot he thoughts at first. So it won't help overnight. Because reconcileing or not, brooding can be quite harmful to your mental health. 1
John-Dough Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Apply yourself to some incredibly hard task that requires all your focus and attention or you will fail. Of course something totally unrelated to the issues with the betrayal. Something you never thought you could do, even on your best day.
Author ZombieEye Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 I appreciate the suggestions - I have tried the stop sign for other things A related. Sometimes I try to really concentrate on the present in great detail. Or if I try doing the hard task - usually I go out and dig in the garden or move those large rocks around. I haven't tried the rubber band though. I know I'd be using it a lot when watching TV or movies and then my wrist would be injured. For some reason that text just hit me harder than any trigger in a long time. I dont' want to keep brooding or dwelling on these things either. I hate feeling like a whiny baby. We're not in that place anymore. I don't want to keep going back to that place.
Fluttershy Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 I appreciate the suggestions - I have tried the stop sign for other things A related. Sometimes I try to really concentrate on the present in great detail. Or if I try doing the hard task - usually I go out and dig in the garden or move those large rocks around. I haven't tried the rubber band though. I know I'd be using it a lot when watching TV or movies and then my wrist would be injured. For some reason that text just hit me harder than any trigger in a long time. I dont' want to keep brooding or dwelling on these things either. I hate feeling like a whiny baby. We're not in that place anymore. I don't want to keep going back to that place. You don't do it for a trigger... You do it when you realize your mind is fixating on the trigger. Triggers happen and do decrease in frequency. But dwelling on them is why you put a physical action to it.
Author ZombieEye Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 Fluttershy: Oh, that makes more sense. Here I was thinking that the original trigger was something I should snap the rubber band over. Guess I should look into that more carefully! Save my wrists!
Fluttershy Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Fluttershy: Oh, that makes more sense. Here I was thinking that the original trigger was something I should snap the rubber band over. Guess I should look into that more carefully! Save my wrists! Some might suggest that. But they don't understand what triggers really are and that they are totally uncontrolable directly. But how you handle them does help feal with them as well as personal growth, good memories replacin the bad, and good ol' time passing. It as been over 5 years since my DDay and I still have an occasional trigger. Very rare. And when they do happen it doesn't rock me to the core. It is more like a slight jolt that I acknowledge and then replace with something not affair related. But this didn't haplen overnight. What you need to learn is when you need to process a thought or trigger and when it is time to not dwell. That to can take time. Realzing your brain is just going in circles and your emotions are dropping is a good indicator your thoughts need to be taken charge of. I hope Things get better for you.
jwi71 Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 "I guess I get the opportunity to try something else." That was my WH's text to me last week. It was about a new project with his work, but wow, it hit me really bad because my mind connected it with his infidelities. I don't know why I'm obsessing over that still. It pops in my head. I keep thinking, I guess you did get to try something else. Lucky you. I get the opportunity to be hurt beyond belief. It's been about a year, and he's been phenomenal in his efforts toward R, in IC and MC, and things on so many levels are better, but is the price too high? Because here I am, triggered by an innocent text! Angry all over again. Just venting. Would discuss it with him, but I get the usual hugging, and reassurances, etc, (which he'd better do and he does, don't get me wrong) but I am so tired of talking about it and dealing with it I just want these surprise reminders to stop. Aaaagggh. They will. It takes time. And considerable effort on both of your parts. He, by your post, appears to be doing so. Good. Now you get the oh-so-lovely part of....controlling your reactions. And, fortunately, its as easy as can be...after all, YOU control YOU. Next time a trigger comes, and I bet you know this, dissect WHY you reacted as you did. Then dissect WHAT specifically caused the trigger. Plan is to control it by cutting it up into tiny little easy to digest pieces. You will find the pattern and will get in front of it. Yes, discuss with your H. Let me ask...in retrospect...have the triggers diminished in frequency and intensity?
rumbleseat Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I appreciate the suggestions - I have tried the stop sign for other things A related. Sometimes I try to really concentrate on the present in great detail. Or if I try doing the hard task - usually I go out and dig in the garden or move those large rocks around. I haven't tried the rubber band though. I know I'd be using it a lot when watching TV or movies and then my wrist would be injured. For some reason that text just hit me harder than any trigger in a long time. I dont' want to keep brooding or dwelling on these things either. I hate feeling like a whiny baby. We're not in that place anymore. I don't want to keep going back to that place. It could actually be a sign that there is some issue you haven't addressed as of yet.
kalimata Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Sorry to hear that you are triggering. Share this with your husband. Tell him that you need him to hug you and tell him that he cares about you. The trigger will subside. It is important that you share this with him without demonizing him, or bringing up the A in a negative way. Keep moving forward.
Author ZombieEye Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 I do appreciate all the responses. I only have one person IRL who knows whats going on and I hesitate to share much with her since she hasnt gone through anything like this and sort of hates my husband now (even without knowing the whole story) and cant really understand why Im working on the marriage, but she's trying hard not to judge and just be supportive. Our MC is good, but we can't afford to see her more than once or twice a month. And Fluttershy, I've learned that I am a dweller. It's a hard thing to come to grips with since I watched older family members bear grudges and dwell on things for decades. I am not going to be like that. jwi71: When you say that I control myself - I guess I need to hear that. I say it all the time in my line of work to students. They say indignantly, "He made me...." and I respond - "Did he grab your hand and hit himself with it?" (These are small children, don't be alarmed!). I add - "you control your reaction. You are in charge of you." So, darn it, what do you mean, this applies to me too? Crap. I hate having to practice what I preach. Seriously. This sucks. And the triggers have diminished both in frequency and intensity. It's not like the searing pain that they were at first. It's more like (a minor curse word here), I wasn't thinking of that but now it's in my head again. Which brings me to rumbleseat! What this might be about. What it is about. rumbleseat: Oh, I'm sure there are things I haven't addressed (processed) yet. I haven't posted my story here, but sometimes I think - if only this were simply a "regular" affair, and Not Just Friends applied. In no way am I saying that's easier. I mean, at first i thought that since I was in shock, but learning more about all this - nothing is easy. So no hate mail on that thinking. So...we're working on this in IC and MC. I did share a bit of my story on another site and -whoa, bad responses there. If only life were simple and "leave the jerk" applied so easily even with what he did. kalimata: I did just bring it up with him. He was shocked that I interpreted it that way. And I knew that he didn't mean it that way. But I had to get it out so that it loses its power, and I appreciate your encouragement. 1
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