NC for 4 plus months, now she is contacting me like crazy. what do i do?

[lifeboy]

ok so i have been doing NC for over 4 months. i have not broken it at all....have ignored all of her phone calls, texts, i have taken her off my buddy list and blocked her, blah blah blah. feel free to refer to my very very in depth history of this relationship. in short it was 3 plus years, she dumped me this summer since i was the only dude she was ever with. for a long time she like would not contact me and i wouldnt contact her, but she always breaks and eventually will like call or leave a messsage, which i never respond to.

 

ok so bottom line is in the past 2-3 weeks she has intensely picked up her texts and calls to me. like often multiple times a day. it's absurd and like she texts me stuff like "miss you" to "please i need to hear your voice" to "im so down i need to talk to you" to "why dont you just call me? i just miss talking to you about music, and just everthing" (in a very like downtrodden tone). she is also on this other online message board that i post on and she has like said crap like "i think i will always love my ex bf of almost 4 years. sometimes i just sit thinking tomyself 'what was i thinking when i dumped him. i just really miss my best friend"

 

she also mentions songs that she just cant listen to (all related to me) anymore because they just mess with her heart too much. bottom line is it's like this intense increase in her feelings and crap, but i NEVER respond

 

i really miss her, but just have this vibe that she just wants what she cant have, or just wants me as her friend. she is always like in her messages "i just want to talk to you for five minutes. i havent talked to you in forever"

 

i mean what the hell does she honestly think we will talk about in 5 freakin min??? i just dont want to talk to her because it hurts too much and i only want to be with her as boyfriend and gal, not as anything less.

 

fyi, im 23 and she is 20.

 

any insight into a woman's mind or what the hell i should do?? thanks everyone

[ttjames]

Of course there are two things to do. Contact her or maintain NC.

 

 

The easy option is NC. You have 4 months of NC and it sounds like you have the strength to keep it that way.

 

However, to be able to talk to her would require even more strength.

 

It sounds like she may just need someone to talk to. In that case you would have to be able to act and hold back your feelings of being with her, and just be friends. That's the hard option.

 

Can you live with just being friends? If not, then no contact is probably the best option for you.

 

If you can, then it may grow into something else. Maybe a close friendship, maybe into a better relationship than before. You never know.

 

But we all know that NC will guarantee only one thing.

[mixwell]

you should talk to her though if you want to be with her and let her know that you ONLY wana be a boyfriend. But just kinda see how things go before telling her. if you want to be with her then work at it you know ? dont just jump into it though take it slow.. but if you dont then just keep up with NC.

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Lifeboy,

 

good to hear from you, and even better to hear that you are doing good. Wow, am impressed that you stuck to NC for 4 months even though she kept contacting you.

 

Unfortunately I can't look into her heart and head, but to me it sounds a lot like she really misses you and wants you back in her life.

 

I understand very well that you want to know what she ultimately wants and that you'd rather not reply, in case she only wants to know if you still care for her. Because as soon as she knows, she might leave again.

 

Only you really know her. Is she a very proud person, who finds it hard to actually say the words: "I love you, I made a mistake. Please give me another chance!"? If not, then she could really just be fishing, and does not want to commit to something, so you can't say later: "Hey, yoy said you wanted to get back together!" This way, she can always say she only wanted to be friends.

 

Now can you handle that? Would that make your life better, or would you rather continue NC? That is a question you have to answer.

 

I am in a very similar situation. My ex has started to contact me much more again, lately. Not multiple times per day, but per week if I would reply. I never know if I should or not. So I only reply to those messages in which he asks me a specific question. When I dont reply, he complains and asks me what happened.

 

Am not too happy with the current situation, as I dont know what he ultimately wants, but I guess I still love him enough, so I am going to take the risk of getting hurt again. He already smashed my heart once, how bad can it get?

 

If you still love this girl, I would say send her a note asking what she wants? Maybe in a joking ways as in:" Have you finally reached the point where you cant live without me anymore and are ready to worship the ground I walk on ?"

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, good to hear that you are holding up so well.

[moon]

It sounds to me like the girl really misses you in her life. You have made that clear that you know this, too.

 

So what do you want to do? Do you really want to date her again? Maybe contact her and ask her what she wants. Tell her you are not playing any games with her (girls like to hear men actually volunteer this) this time and why does she keep calling? If she just sort of carelessly goes on about wanting to chit chat with you about some munane thing, then tell her you're busy and get back to the NC. If she IS READY to make some strides back towards a relationship it seems that she would somehow lay that out to you. I don't mean lay it all out, but maybe tell you that she misses you and wants to spend time with you again. I say go for it. It doesn't sound like you two had a bad relationship.

 

But above all, do what you think you should do. Do what feels right to you.

[theone44]

Originally posted by lifeboy

ok so i have been doing NC for over 4 months. i have not broken it at all....have ignored all of her phone calls, texts, i have taken her off my buddy list and blocked her, blah blah blah. feel free to refer to my very very in depth history of this relationship. in short it was 3 plus years, she dumped me this summer since i was the only dude she was ever with. for a long time she like would not contact me and i wouldnt contact her, but she always breaks and eventually will like call or leave a messsage, which i never respond to.

 

ok so bottom line is in the past 2-3 weeks she has intensely picked up her texts and calls to me. like often multiple times a day. it's absurd and like she texts me stuff like "miss you" to "please i need to hear your voice" to "im so down i need to talk to you" to "why dont you just call me? i just miss talking to you about music, and just everthing" (in a very like downtrodden tone). she is also on this other online message board that i post on and she has like said crap like "i think i will always love my ex bf of almost 4 years. sometimes i just sit thinking tomyself 'what was i thinking when i dumped him. i just really miss my best friend"

 

she also mentions songs that she just cant listen to (all related to me) anymore because they just mess with her heart too much. bottom line is it's like this intense increase in her feelings and crap, but i NEVER respond

 

i really miss her, but just have this vibe that she just wants what she cant have, or just wants me as her friend. she is always like in her messages "i just want to talk to you for five minutes. i havent talked to you in forever"

 

i mean what the hell does she honestly think we will talk about in 5 freakin min??? i just dont want to talk to her because it hurts too much and i only want to be with her as boyfriend and gal, not as anything less.

 

fyi, im 23 and she is 20.

 

any insight into a woman's mind or what the hell i should do?? thanks everyone

 

 

 

Don't it just piss you off when some women try to play these games with our heart and mind. "a friend is a friend,and a boyfriend or girlfriend is just that" nothing less will not be excepted

[Universe]

First of all, Lifeboy, after 4 months of not hearing a word from you, she has NO IDEA what you want anymore. For all she knows, you're happily getting serious with someone new. She's been calling you like crazy. She wouldn't call like that unless she really cared about you. I would even wager that she wants you back. All the signs are there and more. I really don't know what you're so worried about. Yes, it's possible that she will break your heart again. But if there's one thing that you should learn from having your heart broken is that it can happen at any time no matter who you are with. You will never be safe from getting your heart broken unless you choose to break it yourself by choosing a life of solitude. And that seems to work for some people, but it's pretty rare. Monks are the only people that seem to handle it with any grace.

My point is this: with all this evidence pointed towards her wanting you back, how can you not muster up the strength to give her another chance? If you really love her and want her back, then continuing NC at this point would only prove that you were too weak to actually give it a chance.

On specifics: She only asks to talk for five minutes because she doesn't want you to feel pressured into a big long talk. Right now you give her zero minutes. So she's asking for five because it's better than zero.

 

I say call her. Don't make any demands. None of this You're either totally with me or nothing. Give it a chance. Don't tell her how you feel unless she asks. Just play it cool and find out what it is that she's after. It won't take too long for you to figure it out. Just be confident and comfortable in your own skin. Don't show all your cards. Get back in touch with her and let it ride for a couple weeks without pressuring her. If you can't handle being friends for at least a little while, then you don't love her and you have nothing to lose. If you do love her, then you still have nothing to lose by getting back in touch and feeling things out. Just don't dive in head first. Take it slow. And don't let her take you for granted.

 

She probably just needed time to do some soul searching. Sometimes it's hard when you've only been with one person and you're so young. It's very natural for her to need to separate for a while. Don't hold it against her. Just move forward with or without her. But give her a chance to win you back.

 

But we all know that NC will guarantee only one thing.

[lifeboy]

everyone

 

thanks for your comments. universe; i see what you mean. good perspective.

 

i guess i just need to speak my mind a little more. if you refer to some old thread of mine back a few months, you will see that at one time she like pleaded for me back and i happily obliged. well that lasted all of two weeks and it turned out she just was using me since she didnt know anyone at the school she jsut transferred to, so she "needed" me. well as soon as she started making friends, it became pretty evident that she was not into me and she was just acting weird. so she basically admitted that she didnt want to get back into the relationship so quick blah blah blah...so i just left that night and havent seen or talked to her since. my parting words were "from here on out, you are the boy who cried wolf because how am i to believe you if you ever want to get back again? i mean you can act all desperate and crap, but then just call it off more or less. basically i have lost trust in you."

 

she responded (while sobbing) "i promise next time it wont be this way". so basically like she hasnt admitted to me she wants me back. i feel like she needs to just in some way, shape, or form write me an email, leave a text or voicemail and declare that she made a huge mistake or whatever, she regrets ever leaving me and wants me back. she hasnt done that yet. i feel like she knows it must be a concrete move. until that ever happens, i just dont feel comfortable talking to her. it hurts too much to be her friend.

 

i mean it's not fair....ultimately she just wants me as a friend and im giving her what she wants, meanwhile i am suffering and not getting what i want (just to make her happy). i resent the way she dumped me at the most horrible time in life for me, and how she proceeded to bang some dude less that three weeks after, how she used me when she had no friends, etc. i just dont feel like i owe her any more favors. i feel like i am owed apologies and admittances of fault/regret on her part. until then i just dont feel like getting burned again.

 

i dont konw i feel stupid and weak, but it's just me. i have been strong enough to just drop off the face of the earth, i dont want my progress to be shattered now. plus i am in the middle of busy season for accounting and the last thing i need is to get all upset while working my butt off. i just wish she'd say what she wants. for the time being, i just feel like she wants to be just friends because she hasnt said otherwise.

[magda]

I don't know if you have anything to lose by sending her a short email saying you don't feel comfortable talking to her because you are still hurt by the way she treated you before. That would be her cue to apologize to you, or to stop pursuing your friendship, and it would be your choice from that point.

[Universe]

Ok - so I read your earlier thread. Understand that I had not read it when I posted before.

 

So basically, she never gave a valid reason for dumping you. That's pretty f*cked up that right there. And then all that about her getting back with you and then dumping you again. And then her nailing some guy a couple weeks later.

Yeah, I'd say she owes you an apology or at least some sort of explanation. That really sucks. You're situation is very similar to mine, except I know that I was definitely more to blame for demise of our relationship. Plus I've gotten both an explanation and an apology. I think you're right to want that from her.

 

I don't know if you have anything to lose by sending her a short email saying you don't feel comfortable talking to her because you are still hurt by the way she treated you before. That would be her cue to apologize to you, or to stop pursuing your friendship, and it would be your choice from that point.

YES. Email is a good way to do this. Do as magda says. But I would add: Don't be angry in your email. So what you mean clearly. Don't use flowery language. Be direct and concise. Express as little emotion as possible. None will be necessary and can increase the chances that you will be misunderstood.

Don't call her. Email her.

[ziggue]

Be careful she may have just been dumped, used by another guy and is just trying to seek comfort in you.

 

Getting into a relationship with someone that doesn't know what they want messes with your mind. You don't need that.

 

I agree with the Email idea. Write to her but don't talk to her untill she gives you a written explanation on why she is doing this now.