RaidDolEm78 Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 I started a profile on an online dating site. I really thought I would be ready. I have been thinking about dating again, and even though I have my doubts, I thought I would try it out and at the very least, maybe get a friend out of it. Its been exactly 12 hours that my profile has been up. I've gotten some messages and started talking to everyone. A couple have pushed to exchange numbers. This ok is where I'm freezing up. All this is showing me is I'm not ready. And I'm angry again. ...almost 9 months and I can't bring myself to talk to another man leading in to dating, because it doesn't feel right. I shouldn't be dating again because it wasn't supposed to be this way. Im too old to be starting over. I honestly feel this way. I don't have the energy to go through any more drama and head games and bs. And yet, I get excited when I think about finding someone who actually gets me. And the tears have returned. ...its been a good solid 3 or 4 months of no crying. I think I'm just going to delete the profile if its causing me this much stress.
SadNLonley Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Boy do I know how you feel. Im really starting to feel lonely. I had posted on another thread that I snoop around OLD sites just to see whats out there, but my stomach starts getting all upset. Not sure Im ready to start the whole dating process over. Just like you said, who wants to deal with the drams and bs. Although, I have to say that Valentines day really made me mad. I figured if her were ever going to contact me again, that would have been the day. Well the day came and went without a word so last night I started a profile on OKC. Im a little afraid to see if I have messages or anything. It seems like when I did it before I just felt worse because I dont get responses like a lot of women say they do. Its bad for my ego. Im not saying Im gorgeous, but Im not butt ugly either. Maybe I dont know how to write a profile or maybe the guys in my area just want young, skinny, hot things. I'll give it a week or two and if things dont go well I guess I'll remove it. If you're getting responses, just chat until you are ready to meet in person. Im sure it will get easier for you.
Author RaidDolEm78 Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 Boy do I know how you feel. Im really starting to feel lonely. I had posted on another thread that I snoop around OLD sites just to see whats out there, but my stomach starts getting all upset. Not sure Im ready to start the whole dating process over. Just like you said, who wants to deal with the drams and bs. Although, I have to say that Valentines day really made me mad. I figured if her were ever going to contact me again, that would have been the day. Well the day came and went without a word so last night I started a profile on OKC. Im a little afraid to see if I have messages or anything. It seems like when I did it before I just felt worse because I dont get responses like a lot of women say they do. Its bad for my ego. Im not saying Im gorgeous, but Im not butt ugly either. Maybe I dont know how to write a profile or maybe the guys in my area just want young, skinny, hot things. I'll give it a week or two and if things dont go well I guess I'll remove it. If you're getting responses, just chat until you are ready to meet in person. Im sure it will get easier for you. I'm sorry you're having just as hard of a time as I am. It really does suck. But whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger I guess. I started my profile last night on okcupid too! That's funny. Its not all its cracked up to be. Theres been a couple guys right off the bat telling me how cute/gorgeous I am. I wont answer them. Sorry but I'm more than my looks and if that's the first thing you're going to say to me, then that says a lot about you...do you know what I mean? I've never been one to do the online dating thing. I don't know what I was thinking.
True Gent Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Be gentle with yourself. Maybe you need to just look at it a little differently? Look upon the dating as just going for a drink or a meal with no expectations. Just a fun chat and a little practice on interacting with the opposite sex. Go easy no rush, you can be single as long as you want or need to be. My 9 year r ship ended at the end of 2013. I've been on a total of 4 dates with 3 women. Did it feel strange? Hell yes! Did it do me any harm? No, just insight into what I need. I have decided I'm not ready to date or pursue a r ship right now. But my dates were a good experience for my development. I think if you take a relaxed attitude you may just have a good experience. Knowing you can still attract people to you does you good.
Xemyd Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 I tried the online dating thing a few weeks ago. I was talking to this one guy, things were going ok, but then he started pressuring me into meeting him, which I knew I wasn't ready for so I kept telling him not yet. We actually had some mutual friends, and then I found out he actually knows my ex so that kind of turned me off more. After a while of telling him I'm not ready he started telling me I'm living my life wrong because I'm an introvert. I should get out and try new things, and that I should just meet him and forget about how I feel. It got to a point where I genuinely wanted to punch him in the face. I definitely just want to stay away from guys for a while. I also feel like I just never want to date again, I'm tired of the process. I had my guy that I wanted to marry, and I know it's not going to happen now, but I don't want to go through this again. 1
Author RaidDolEm78 Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 Be gentle with yourself. Maybe you need to just look at it a little differently? Look upon the dating as just going for a drink or a meal with no expectations. Just a fun chat and a little practice on interacting with the opposite sex. Go easy no rush, you can be single as long as you want or need to be. My 9 year r ship ended at the end of 2013. I've been on a total of 4 dates with 3 women. Did it feel strange? Hell yes! Did it do me any harm? No, just insight into what I need. I have decided I'm not ready to date or pursue a r ship right now. But my dates were a good experience for my development. I think if you take a relaxed attitude you may just have a good experience. Knowing you can still attract people to you does you good. I agree that I put too much pressure on myself unnecessarily. I've always done that to myself. For example, i dont want to be known as the one who couldnt get over her ex...when there is clearly more to why its taken me so long to even consider dating again. A more relaxed attitude would certainly help in this situation.
Author RaidDolEm78 Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 I tried the online dating thing a few weeks ago. I was talking to this one guy, things were going ok, but then he started pressuring me into meeting him, which I knew I wasn't ready for so I kept telling him not yet. We actually had some mutual friends, and then I found out he actually knows my ex so that kind of turned me off more. After a while of telling him I'm not ready he started telling me I'm living my life wrong because I'm an introvert. I should get out and try new things, and that I should just meet him and forget about how I feel. It got to a point where I genuinely wanted to punch him in the face. I definitely just want to stay away from guys for a while. I also feel like I just never want to date again, I'm tired of the process. I had my guy that I wanted to marry, and I know it's not going to happen now, but I don't want to go through this again. Oh, that would make my blood boil! Who is he to judge you and the way you live your life? But I guess you can say you tried. Its things like that I'm afraid of happening. I just want someone to prove to me that they really are different, not just because they say they are.
Tripz Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 You guys are starting to scare me a little bit! Some of you have been single 9 months or more and are finding you still aren't ready. I'm only 2 months into my nightmare, but am already fantasizing/hoping that I'll get my act together sooner than later and be able to start dating. I know , in reality, that might be awhile, because right now, no matter who I'm talking to (friends/family) I somehow manage to end up discussing my ex, our divorce and the hell I've been going through. I even try to NOT talk about, but it just happens. Just last night, I was out with a buddy shooting pool at a local pub. We met some new folks and spent the evening chatting and playing with them. Really nice couple, but they now know I'm getting divorced. So weird, for a guy like me, that normally keeps private information to myself, to always seem to spill the beans to anyone that will listen. Pathetic! There's no way any sane gal is going to find that attractive! So, until that time where my conversations never once mention any of this, I'm not going to even look for someone else. One thought does keep entering my mind...that since all of us here are mostly all on the same wavelength, that going out with some of you folks would be fun and therapeutic. Too bad there isn't a way to put an online dating/friends profile on here. Just seems like if I met one of you guys IRL, a lot of the initial connection BS wouldn't exist. Wishful thinking, perhaps, but I'll bet more than a few true love connections could be found just within the walls of this community.
Xemyd Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 You guys are starting to scare me a little bit! Some of you have been single 9 months or more and are finding you still aren't ready. I'm only 2 months into my nightmare, but am already fantasizing/hoping that I'll get my act together sooner than later and be able to start dating. I know , in reality, that might be awhile, because right now, no matter who I'm talking to (friends/family) I somehow manage to end up discussing my ex, our divorce and the hell I've been going through. I even try to NOT talk about, but it just happens. Just last night, I was out with a buddy shooting pool at a local pub. We met some new folks and spent the evening chatting and playing with them. Really nice couple, but they now know I'm getting divorced. So weird, for a guy like me, that normally keeps private information to myself, to always seem to spill the beans to anyone that will listen. Pathetic! There's no way any sane gal is going to find that attractive! So, until that time where my conversations never once mention any of this, I'm not going to even look for someone else. One thought does keep entering my mind...that since all of us here are mostly all on the same wavelength, that going out with some of you folks would be fun and therapeutic. Too bad there isn't a way to put an online dating/friends profile on here. Just seems like if I met one of you guys IRL, a lot of the initial connection BS wouldn't exist. Wishful thinking, perhaps, but I'll bet more than a few true love connections could be found just within the walls of this community. Just remember, everyone is different. I'm at 6 months and I'm not ready, but you have to judge for yourself. I'm also like you though, my friends all have boyfriends, and I can't help but mention my ex when we talk. A lot of the time I find myself saying "this one time Ex did this, or we did that". I want to move on, I'm done "waiting" for him, but he's still going to be on my mind, I just have to learn to change my thoughts when he comes up. Easier said than done. 1
flightplan Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 I started a profile on an online dating site. I really thought I would be ready. I have been thinking about dating again, and even though I have my doubts, I thought I would try it out and at the very least, maybe get a friend out of it. Its been exactly 12 hours that my profile has been up. I've gotten some messages and started talking to everyone. A couple have pushed to exchange numbers. This ok is where I'm freezing up. All this is showing me is I'm not ready. And I'm angry again. ...almost 9 months and I can't bring myself to talk to another man leading in to dating, because it doesn't feel right. I shouldn't be dating again because it wasn't supposed to be this way. Im too old to be starting over. I honestly feel this way. I don't have the energy to go through any more drama and head games and bs. And yet, I get excited when I think about finding someone who actually gets me. And the tears have returned. ...its been a good solid 3 or 4 months of no crying. I think I'm just going to delete the profile if its causing me this much stress. This is just the process of getting back in the pool. It doesn't sound like you are ready but thats ok. The fact that you opened an account should tell you the direction you're heading. If it doesn't feel right, then put it on hold. Go at your own pace. Listen, it's just a tool to meet people. Thats all it is. Go slowly, and eventually you might find it kind of exciting and you may slowly open up. In the meantime, try to enjoy some of the attention, go slow, lurk for however long you need and someday, someone may spark an interest, your heart may pound a little and it might just be enough to say.. what the hell, go for it. Live again. 1
Author RaidDolEm78 Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 You guys are starting to scare me a little bit! Some of you have been single 9 months or more and are finding you still aren't ready. I'm only 2 months into my nightmare, but am already fantasizing/hoping that I'll get my act together sooner than later and be able to start dating. I know , in reality, that might be awhile, because right now, no matter who I'm talking to (friends/family) I somehow manage to end up discussing my ex, our divorce and the hell I've been going through. I even try to NOT talk about, but it just happens. Just last night, I was out with a buddy shooting pool at a local pub. We met some new folks and spent the evening chatting and playing with them. Really nice couple, but they now know I'm getting divorced. So weird, for a guy like me, that normally keeps private information to myself, to always seem to spill the beans to anyone that will listen. Pathetic! There's no way any sane gal is going to find that attractive! So, until that time where my conversations never once mention any of this, I'm not going to even look for someone else. One thought does keep entering my mind...that since all of us here are mostly all on the same wavelength, that going out with some of you folks would be fun and therapeutic. Too bad there isn't a way to put an online dating/friends profile on here. Just seems like if I met one of you guys IRL, a lot of the initial connection BS wouldn't exist. Wishful thinking, perhaps, but I'll bet more than a few true love connections could be found just within the walls of this community. I can only speak for myself here, as pretty much all of us have been hurt, but I feel hurt myself more in this relationship/breakup because I had him up on such a high pedestal and cared more about his happiness thanmine. That is why it has taken me so long to even dip my toe in the dating pool again as I have been trying to learn how to love myself again. Its a slow process but at least ill be doing things right next time, if there is a next time.
Tripz Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Raid, I totally understand where you are coming from. I did the same with my ex, but always felt I struggled meeting her expectations. I suppose, at some point, I gave up, became selfish and ignored the signs that we were in trouble. We've been together 25 years and I cannot honestly say when the point of no return happened. This is one of realizations that I struggle most with. How in the hell did I allow it to get that broken? Its quite remarkable, frankly. I do know this, however...I was not designed to be alone. 1
Don_llama Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 First off, good for you for doing something pro-active! I think all of us know here it's extremely hard to break out of a slump. Like others have said OLD is a tool for meeting people and nothing else. If something more were to come of it, then that's Great! The feelings you have are only natural. I personally believe one truly has to be a little uncomfortable and move themselves out of their comfort zone in order to advance some times(You'll know when you're ready). Only that way will you recognize your own true strength and gather more confidence in your own ability to change. It seems like the Ex on a pedestal is the Norm' here. Take solace in the fact that you were able to love somebody to that extent. Someday you'll find somebody who will feel the same about you and you'll be sitting nice and high on somebody else's pedestal like the one you've built for them!
Lifegoezon Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Nope - nobody likes being back in this position. I think True Gent and Flightplan talk sense here - start slow and remember you are safely at arms length, you don't have to respond to anyone at all if you're not ready. Gradually the attention will start to make you feel more confident and the browsing/chatting takes your mind of the ex if nothing else. Like Tripz I'm hoping to be ready soon - but I'm only 5 weeks in. In fact today I took a little look on the OLD site where I met my ex only to find him there already with a lovely photo I TOOK for his profile. Wished I hadn't gone there now of course. So not ready quite yet.
Author RaidDolEm78 Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 First off, good for you for doing something pro-active! I think all of us know here it's extremely hard to break out of a slump. Like others have said OLD is a tool for meeting people and nothing else. If something more were to come of it, then that's Great! The feelings you have are only natural. I personally believe one truly has to be a little uncomfortable and move themselves out of their comfort zone in order to advance some times(You'll know when you're ready). Only that way will you recognize your own true strength and gather more confidence in your own ability to change. It seems like the Ex on a pedestal is the Norm' here. Take solace in the fact that you were able to love somebody to that extent. Someday you'll find somebody who will feel the same about you and you'll be sitting nice and high on somebody else's pedestal like the one you've built for them! First of all, thank you. You are exactly right, it is out of my comfort zone. The last two months I have been doing a lot of that (doing things out of my comfort zone) getting a new job, meeting new friends at the job, etc so maybe this was too much in such a short amount of time for me. The ex on the pedestal thing, well our relationship started with him having me on such a high pedestal or so he says, and then as he was slowly taking me off of it, I was building him up. I never took him down, even when I knew he didn't deserve to be up there that high. You're right, it is the norm and I'm in no way trying to make my situation seem different or special.
Omei Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 (edited) I know how you feel, I am just now reaching the year mark ive made two online profiles which after each attempt I quickly deleted and met up with a few guys, even been asked out to be exclusive twice I just cannot bring myself too say yes, I dont feel a connection with anyone ive come across at all, its hard. And I too feel excited at the thought of finding someone new I do wanna fall in love again I haven't been able to meet any guys that interest me. Edited February 17, 2014 by Omei 1
BC1980 Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 It's hard to start dating again because it's another big step that makes it real. I started talking to a guy through a mutual friend and freaked when he wanted to meet up. It literally paralyzed me, so I stopped and assesses why I felt that way. It was more that I was scared of lettin go than anything. I think you need to take some time to work through why to feel this way before making a decision to stop or keep going with the dating. It's a balance. You need to make sure you are emotionally ready but also don't cling to the past for too long. 1
Author RaidDolEm78 Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 Thank you for the replies everyone. I deleted my profile this morning. I'm just not ready.
Raena Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I did exactly the same thing... set up a profile, started talking to a couple guys and then freaked out. It was just too much at once. I'm only at 4 months myself and I know darn well I need to get out there and start meeting people again. The thought of it scares the daylights out of me though. I have all these negative self-talk thoughts in my head. My ex really did a number on me and continues to do so. According to him, I'm ugly, I'm a terrible mother, I'm a terrible person, it's all my fault he cheated, it's all my fault he is with her now because I couldn't just leave it alone and let him hide his lie. The worst for me is the comments about how I look. I'm 43, I had a child late in life. No, I'm not as pretty as I was 11 years ago when he and I met. My body is full of scars from the pregnancy and the inevitable weight gain that occurred afterwards. There isn't anything I can do about the effects that being pregnant had on me. I can lose weight, sure, and I have... I'm almost back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but that doesn't change the other problem areas. I look in the mirror and all I see is every bad thing that he pointed out. I can't imagine becoming intimate with anyone ever again because of it. So if I can't do that, then why bother dating?
Omei Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I did exactly the same thing... set up a profile, started talking to a couple guys and then freaked out. It was just too much at once. I'm only at 4 months myself and I know darn well I need to get out there and start meeting people again. The thought of it scares the daylights out of me though. I have all these negative self-talk thoughts in my head. My ex really did a number on me and continues to do so. According to him, I'm ugly, I'm a terrible mother, I'm a terrible person, it's all my fault he cheated, it's all my fault he is with her now because I couldn't just leave it alone and let him hide his lie. The worst for me is the comments about how I look. I'm 43, I had a child late in life. No, I'm not as pretty as I was 11 years ago when he and I met. My body is full of scars from the pregnancy and the inevitable weight gain that occurred afterwards. There isn't anything I can do about the effects that being pregnant had on me. I can lose weight, sure, and I have... I'm almost back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but that doesn't change the other problem areas. I look in the mirror and all I see is every bad thing that he pointed out. I can't imagine becoming intimate with anyone ever again because of it. So if I can't do that, then why bother dating? Oh ignore all that bs he's a jerk You know what I have scars all over my body and men who have never even been with someone who's given birth still tell me im beautiful naked, and I have tonnnnns so forget that ass, there are guys out there that will love you. 1
SadNLonley Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Boy do I know how you feel. Im really starting to feel lonely. I had posted on another thread that I snoop around OLD sites just to see whats out there, but my stomach starts getting all upset. Not sure Im ready to start the whole dating process over. Just like you said, who wants to deal with the drams and bs. Although, I have to say that Valentines day really made me mad. I figured if her were ever going to contact me again, that would have been the day. Well the day came and went without a word so last night I started a profile on OKC. Im a little afraid to see if I have messages or anything. It seems like when I did it before I just felt worse because I dont get responses like a lot of women say they do. Its bad for my ego. Im not saying Im gorgeous, but Im not butt ugly either. Maybe I dont know how to write a profile or maybe the guys in my area just want young, skinny, hot things. I'll give it a week or two and if things dont go well I guess I'll remove it. If you're getting responses, just chat until you are ready to meet in person. Im sure it will get easier for you. UPDATE: ok, so I've had a profile up 24 hrs. I reached out to 3 people. Each one of them looked at my profile and said nothing. I had 50 people look at my profile and only 2 people messaged me. See....This is why its bad for the ego. I dont think Im butt ugly, but something is off. No one seems to either like the way I look or think I have enough personality to contact me. Oh how do you move on when you're already low and just feeling crappier with this stupid sh*t. I hope you guys do better. Seems to me women get all kinds of messages. I am not one of them. 1
Raena Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 UPDATE: ok, so I've had a profile up 24 hrs. I reached out to 3 people. Each one of them looked at my profile and said nothing. I had 50 people look at my profile and only 2 people messaged me. See....This is why its bad for the ego. I dont think Im butt ugly, but something is off. No one seems to either like the way I look or think I have enough personality to contact me. Oh how do you move on when you're already low and just feeling crappier with this stupid sh*t. I hope you guys do better. Seems to me women get all kinds of messages. I am not one of them. I am not one of them either. It does make you feel worse. It just sounds like it is the wrong time for you to try.
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