awholenewworld Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Monday is "D" day, and I'm having mixed emotions. He wants us to try to get back together. I say, we had time, we did try, it didn't work. I don't want to hurt him, but I also don't want to hurt me either. I'm going to go through with it, obviously. But it just hurts to see him hurting. What can I do?? This really sucks.
Movingforward2 Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 As someone who has been on the other side of it......if he hasn't cheated on you, or physically abused you....the chances are good that once you file, he will change immediately. I know I did. That's why so many folks have such a hard time with the 180. The divorce takes a toll on you emotionally more than anything. If he would agree to counciling, and actually do what the counselor says, I would suggest giving it one more chance. It's not greener on the other side. Especially if you have children.
Author awholenewworld Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 He did change immediately, but not in a good way. He's desperately clinging. I filed one month ago. Monday we go before the judge. It went really fast. If he changes after the divorce, then I just hope that he changes for the best. I feel bad that he is hurting. No cheating involved, only emotional abuse, which I got sick of. I felt I deserved to be treated better than he was treating me, and he wouldn't quit it. We could never measure up to whatever he thought we should be, or expected us to be. We had good times, I think I'm mourning that. 1
Tripz Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 I find myself doing that alot...mourning who it was that she was, not who she is now. She's an adulterer now, who has been lying to me for over 2 years. Saddest thing is, before all of this, I would have defended her loyalty and honesty to death. She's a lot of things, but was always 100% honest and loyal. The sheer level of trust that has been broken has been one of the most difficult things to reconcile for me, in moving on. It's left me truly wondering if I'll ever fully trust another female that comes into my life. I'm a very trusting person, or was and having that part of my personality shattered is pretty awful.
Movingforward2 Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 He did change immediately, but not in a good way. He's desperately clinging. I filed one month ago. Monday we go before the judge. It went really fast. If he changes after the divorce, then I just hope that he changes for the best. I feel bad that he is hurting. No cheating involved, only emotional abuse, which I got sick of. I felt I deserved to be treated better than he was treating me, and he wouldn't quit it. We could never measure up to whatever he thought we should be, or expected us to be. We had good times, I think I'm mourning that. Again, as someone on the other side of it, that person never believes it will get to that point. That is why they go into such shock and clingliness. I miss my kids so bad that I would do almost anything to get back with my XW, however at this point it's been about 2 months since my divorce was final, and I'm still in neutral. There are days that I think it might work out, and there are days it doesn't. We do so many things together and work so hard for the kids now, it's almost like "what if we would have acted this way a year ago"......it's crazy. If you asked her, she is probably in the same situation that you are and feel. Probably emotional abuse caused by constant arguing and not making her feel appreciated. On the man's side, you never notice it until it hits you in the face. XW and I had a lot of good times. All of my old neighbors had a party this weekend, with 4 of my best friends, and I was the one not invited. I'm not going to lie....it hurts. I didn't appreciate that kind of stuff then, but I do now. It's hard to move forward, when your mutual friends do not want to take sides. Not judging you because I don't know your situation, but I know in mine I now know what happened and why. I have researched and read so many posts and information on women on why they do what they do. I totally get it now. But sometimes, I wish a woman would step back and look at the good in the man they have. Not the negative things, the good. Unless your husband was a deadbeat, there was probably a lot of good things about him. There was a reason why you married him, and it is probably really hard for him to let go. It is for me.
dreamcatcher975 Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 For the guys who say "i was emotionally abusive to my wife.." what was your turning point in realizing that you were being emotionally abusive? In that moment do you know what you're doing or do guys just lash out without realizing the damage you're causing?? Do you regret it and have you learned anything from it?? My H has told me that he KNOWS he's being emotionally abusive….. so this confuses me-- You know you're being emotionally abusive to your wife but you continue being emotionally abusive knowing your hurting her?? It doesn't make any sense to me.
Movingforward2 Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 The turning point for me was when I was served with divorce papers. In my opinion some men are not as emotionally attached as women during a relationship, therefore when they aren't "there emotiionally" a woman feels unappreciated and not valued. At the time, I didn't realize what I was doing, which was neglecting and hurting my partner. I did not do it purposely, but the sheer arguing and fighting over what I perceived as small stuff, eventually added up to where my XW somewhat snapped. We had a great life, and a lot of things other folks would be envious of, but the emotional abuse just took it's toll on things. Most men do not realize exactly what they are doing until they get hammered with divorce papers. Due to poor communication between both partners.....things that a wife might think are a big deal, aren't a big deal to the husband and vice-versa. I was more verbally abusive than anything, and didn't realize the significance of it. I was teaching my children a horrible pattern. You really do not appreciate things until they are gone, and sometimes I wish others would step back before ever going through the emotional part of divorce. 1
Tripz Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 So true MovinF! Its so often a breakdown in understanding what your partner is trying to communicate to you. I KNOW that is ALL my and my wife's problem was. Everything else was truly great, but over time, the little things grew into major things. So completely fixable if caught early enough, but we were too immature back then to stop the damage from happening.
familygone Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Does it warrant a divorce? Sounds like it could be worked on.
Scott0310 Posted March 14, 2014 Posted March 14, 2014 The clingy part is normal, just as everyone is staying, its the realization that everything is ending, and he is realizing he messed up to and is losing/lost you and doesnt want to. I was the same way, though my wife and I have yet to file, (and I dont want to) I became pretty clingy when the bomb was first dropped. The wife however, told me I needed to give her space (meaning not clingy) or it was going to push her to end it. Did you try that with him, tell him to give you space/time to think about things, and give him an adequate chance to change? I only stand on his side because I am in the same boat, albeit with out knowing the full size of the boat.
Recommended Posts