funnywoman Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 I would like input on how to be less available to my boyfriend. Lately, he just takes it for granted that he can call whenever he feels like it, and I will be right there to go to dinner, hang out, whatever. Also, the very fact that I'm available seems to bother him sometimes. I do have outside interest, but I also do change my plans to accommodate him, have done this many times. He, on the other hand, does not do this for me and additionally, he will be late to do things we had planned because he decided to go to gym, stay on the boat, whatever. I think he takes my being available for granted. So, I have decided to find other things to do. My question is do I tell him what I am going to be doing, or do I just not saying anything til he calls and then tell him I'm busy. In the past he has acted annoyed when I asked what he had been up to all day, so I'm inclined to just go do what I want, tell him I'm busy and what I'm doing when he calls.
amaysngrace Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Don't break plans if you're doing something when he calls. Also if you're busy doing something shut off your phone. Let him leave you a voicemail and call him back when you're not busy anymore. It may seem awkward to do that at first but you will soon get use to it. It's liberating in a way. You'll see... 1
todreaminblue Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Making yourself less available seems more like game play....but in saying that...arrange your life according to you, see your friends , spend time doing the things you love and if he calls ....answer the phone......if you have plans tell him so...if you dont have plans, hang out with him....that though is how i run my love life.....and i dont have a problem with feeling like he thinks i am too available, he loves spending time with me because he tells me so....calls me every day when i dont see him and he looks forward to our plans......as i do...i love planning interludes......and offering suggestions as does he, on what we could do.......seems natural to me.....to have frequent contact even short phoen calls whcih they never are for some reason.......and because i answer the phones or say yes excites him and doesnt make him feel i am desperate nor should it with any relationship...my guy gets disappointed when i say no........if he truly cares he wont feel that you are centering your life around him but more you make him a part of your life and you share you and your life because you want to not because you have no other choices...............i wish you well....deb
Author funnywoman Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 I appreciate your input so far...For the record, once again, just now, he is late because he decided to go to the gym. We have reservations for a class that starts at 7:00 and we will be late. It bothers me to be late to time-specific events, but not him, nor is he concerned that I have been wondering where he was for the past hour. This is what I mean by feeling like he takes my availablility for granted. It is like, 'oh, I'll do everything i want to do and then go see my gf'. I consider this quite rude behavior! It's like I'm not a priority with him, he can act however. This is not acceptable to me. Anyway, he is on his way here now, I will go to the event, but any advice would be appreciated.
Gaeta Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 You should stop rescheduling your plans to accommodate him. If he calls last minute to do something and you already have plans on the agenda tell him you are busy tonight but Thursday or Saturday is ok and get him to commit to another night. Also tell him you'd like he advice you a couple of days ahead when he's available, you have other things going on. As for him being late all the time, I got a brother like that, and his wife solved the problem by telling him dinner is at 6h when it's actually at 7h She also keep reminding him through the day she expects him in the doorway at 6h. Apparently it solved that problem.
Eivuwan Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 You should stop rescheduling your plans to accommodate him. If he calls last minute to do something and you already have plans on the agenda tell him you are busy tonight but Thursday or Saturday is ok and get him to commit to another night. Also tell him you'd like he advice you a couple of days ahead when he's available, you have other things going on. As for him being late all the time, I got a brother like that, and his wife solved the problem by telling him dinner is at 6h when it's actually at 7h She also keep reminding him through the day she expects him in the doorway at 6h. Apparently it solved that problem. I don't know how people put up with such unreliability. To me these things are signs of selfishness and immaturity. Red flags
Gaeta Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Eivuman, these are not red flags, they are character flaws, you accept them or you move on to someone else. As for my brother example, they have been married 22 years, have 3 teenagers, he has a successful career, does municipal politics on top of that, He has so much to do and so much in his head that he gets side tracked. She knows he's like this so she adapted a solution that works for her. Beats being frustrated all the time. 1
Eivuwan Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Eivuman, these are not red flags, they are character flaws, you accept them or you move on to someone else. As for my brother example, they have been married 22 years, have 3 teenagers, he has a successful career, does municipal politics on top of that, He has so much to do and so much in his head that he gets side tracked. She knows he's like this so she adapted a solution that works for her. Beats being frustrated all the time. It depends on the person then. In the OP's case, it sounds like selfish behavior.
spiderowl Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Best not to change your plans if you are doing something else. Let him make plans with you in advance, more than a day, and if he doesn't keep the plan go without him. Just mention that you didn't want to be late and assumed he'd turn up later. It does sound like he's taking you for granted and the balance has swung too much towards his needs. It needs to swing back now with you refusing to be at his beck and call and being a bit more unpredictable. There is also an amazing word called 'no'. Since I've started using this word more, I've been amazed at the results. People respect you a lot more that if you are compliant. I don't say it for the fun of it, only when it matters to me. I also won't play the 'apply for this and that' game that seems to be so prevalent in today's society. I have been offered things I never dreamt of since I started refusing to bother.
readynow Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 . We have reservations for a class that starts at 7:00 and we will be late. When you have reservations for things like this, you go - be there at 7 and don't miss it for him. When he calls at the last minute for something, tell him you're sorry but you didn't know he'd want to go out tonight and you're now just chilling at home and don't really feel like going out - can we plan it for later in the week? If he's coming to yours with no notice, tell him the same thing or you planned to tidy your underwear drawer - can you let me know on time next time so I can give my undivided attention? I'm only advising to use these hints because he's already annoyed you're too available so there's no point sitting him down and spelling it out to him. 3
melell Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Honestly, I wouldn't take this very well..not because I am unable to accommodate, or because I expect things a certain way, or because I need undivided attention... but because it is as if the person isn't as interested. Like he isn't as excited about seeing you are you are about seeing him?. I don't mean to say that he doesn't like you, but maybe the enthusiasm isn't quite there. I can say in all of my serious long term relationships this was never an issue. Spending time together was always the number one thing that we both looked forward to and it couldn't come soon enough. With one particular ex the enthusiasm lasted for 5+ years. I was with someone who was as you have described, and although I know he really cared about me, everything was really one sided and according to him. He was an only child, I don't know if that counts for anything, and he really did take things for granted, selfish mentality. I broke up with him, because I wasn't feeling that mutual togetherness with him. Just didn't feel right. 1
Emilia Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 I appreciate your input so far...For the record, once again, just now, he is late because he decided to go to the gym. We have reservations for a class that starts at 7:00 and we will be late. It bothers me to be late to time-specific events, but not him, This would really bother me and I wouldn't tolerate it to be honest. I absolutely hate flakiness because I think it's a combination of lack of respect towards the other person and the inability to manage his own time. Both are , he is an adult, non? How about making him accountable? I don't know what class that is but I would go on my own. If it was something that I was interested in, I wouldn't wait for anyone else. Sounds like you need to be more independent OP. nor is he concerned that I have been wondering where he was for the past hour. This is what I mean by feeling like he takes my availablility for granted. It is like, 'oh, I'll do everything i want to do and then go see my gf'. I consider this quite rude behavior! It's like I'm not a priority with him, he can act however. This is not acceptable to me. Anyway, he is on his way here now, I will go to the event, but any advice would be appreciated. I would explain to him how his behviour feels and would make a decision based on his response. I know tardy people who run 10-15 minutes late habitually. They don't go to the extent like your boyfriend does though, they don't arrange other things and take people for granted. He needs to grow up. Or find another girlfriend. The only person I made any sort of allowance for was my army ex because he would get last minute leave sometimes and I would rearrange stuff with my friends so I could see him. He had a pretty legitimate excuse though. Anyone else? No.
melell Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 I agree with above. it really does irk me. I have a particular family member that has dealt with the same type of thing for 3 years, and she just accepts it because she loves him, and it is never anything drastic She is very much 'i know, i know, i know, but I love him'. To her it is now the norm, but to everyone observing it is insanely mean. He does nothing really bad, but just continual taken for granted in little ways that signal lack of respect/care-much like you described. You'll soon know if this will be an ongoing thing. If so, move on, or accept it for the foreseeable future. 1
Poppygoodwill Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Follow the good advice above - make your own plans and follow through with them, regardless of wehther he gets there on time or not. Over time he will either get his act together to follow along, or you'll spend less and less time together when you're not going to as much trouble. That will tell you what his true mind is aout spending time with you. And don't tell him you're doing this. It will ruin the effect. You might be tempted to tell him just to get a reaction or to get him talking, but it won't work if it's gone this far. Just get on with it. Live your life. Let him show you he knows how valuable you and your time are.
Emilia Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Follow the good advice above - make your own plans and follow through with them, regardless of wehther he gets there on time or not. Over time he will either get his act together to follow along, or you'll spend less and less time together when you're not going to as much trouble. That will tell you what his true mind is aout spending time with you. And don't tell him you're doing this. It will ruin the effect. You might be tempted to tell him just to get a reaction or to get him talking, but it won't work if it's gone this far. Just get on with it. Live your life. Let him show you he knows how valuable you and your time are. I don't think playing games is the way forward, I think having the issue out in the open - and being prepared to walk away from it - is the way forward. Otherwise it just turns into passive-aggressive push-pull game playing.
regine_phalange Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Making yourself less available is not agameplaying but an exercise for putting on limits. A limit is when you dont want to be bothered during exercise or eating time, when you want to go shopping by yourself, when you want to drink a coffee with your friend every sunday morning. It s more about keeping a balance among the different small fragments of your life, than making a man respect and value you. I apply this rule; first things first. If my friend asks me to go out before my bf does, she has the priority and vice versa. If every monday afternoon I do yoga, this is the priority for monday afternoon, we can hang out tuesday afternoon. If Im about to fall asleep, my mobile will be on silent mode and not going to hear it if it rings past bedtime. No one will love you less if you have your limits. Its human. 1
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