Has anyone dated anyone who wouldn't commit?

[Weallwalkthelongroad]

Been there, done that. My gf told people she on "cloud 9" and "life is good" the day after we became official. Two weeks later, it was over and she came up with a bunch of crazy excuses as to why she didn't want to see me anymore. And then she tells me a couple of weeks ago, that me wanting to try and talk about it and see her more pushed her further away. I was even made to feel guilty about inviting her to come to a friends daughter's 4th bday party a couple weeks after we met. I still don't understand it completely.

[Never Again]

I really am impressed with how you are able to mirror you actions and be reflective about it. Especially because I have read what you have been going through. It can only get better than this, hang on man!

 

I'm honestly amazed that my thread in the "Abuse" second has received nearly 34,000 views. It's sort of absurd.

 

Withdrawing, but not wanting to, tears you apart. Depression makes you weak; it castrates you and leaves you morose and lifeless. Fear of intimacy, of hurting the one you love OR being hurt by them, is chilling to the core. I was scared and in pain for 2 months before my breakup because I "felt" it coming. Funnily enough, had I not had this "premonition", perhaps I wouldn't have acted the way I did. Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that.

 

The quote I often post from Neil Gaiman was accurate: When she said, "Maybe we should just be friends," it was a glass sliver being driven straight into my heart. It was a soul hurt.

 

But through conflict comes growth. I had nothing to hide behind anymore once she left me. I had nothing to divert my attention or distract me. I had no one to love, because I certainly didn't love myself back then.

[jphcbpa]

l. Two weeks later, it was over and she came up with a bunch of crazy excuses . I still don't understand it completely.

 

you will never understand it. accept that and know that it is her not you. be lucky you got out sooner. I was in for 16 months of the push/pull.

 

check out "He's Scared, She's Scared" if you want to learn more.

[Weallwalkthelongroad]

you will never understand it. accept that and know that it is her not you. be lucky you got out sooner. I was in for 16 months of the push/pull.

 

check out "He's Scared, She's Scared" if you want to learn more.

 

Any sort of insight will be helpful at this point. I just placed my order on Amazon because I conveniently had a gift card on my end table that was waiting to be used.

[peters85]

I'm trying to recover from a relationship with a commitment phobic girl, which lasted a bit more than a year. However, this seems to be much harder than I figured. And

I've had relationships before, one being 8 years. However, this is something entirely different... Anyone reading this topic on commitment phobia will know how it plays

out. I've read "He's scared, she's scared". Twice. but I'm still struggling to get my life back on track after she's done the "Houdini trick" by disappearing from my life.

First of all I'd like to say that there is NO argument whether or not she was/is commitment phobic. She has literally all the characteristics, and they show up quite frequently. In the first few months together however, I didn't quite realize that most of her behaviour was to be blamed at the phobic reactions. She acknowledged herself she is fearful of stepping into a close relationship and likes to keep things at a distance. But I thought: "hey this girl just needs time and hasn't met "the right thing". However, we kept on having these ridiculous arguments and she acted quite bitchy, pushing me away but then pulling me closer... anywayz... the classic patterns. She even suffered from psychosomatic symptoms (headaches, stomach aches, nauseness..) all which never could be diagnosed by any doctor. The doctors never found anything, and she was clueless to why. It only came to me recently, after the break-up that even those elements were due to that. She started having these symptoms when she was late in her teens: when she started dating.

 

I don't want to bother anyone with the tedious details of her behaviour, and how agonizing it's been for me to go through the relationship. However, she managed to

really "break" me to the point where I went to seek professional help because she had me convinced that the issues in our relationship were partly to blame on me, because

she had never had so many arguments with anyone in her life. Neither did I for that matter. Now I've realized that I was the first person she let THAT close, and

obviously that meant she had a lot more to be anxious and afraid of.Long story short, after a few months I said to myself "this isn't what I want from a relationship, this doesn't feel right". So I broke up. Suddenly she was there with loving notes, saying how much she misses me, begging for another chance. She even proposed to be friends with benefits, just so she could still be around. So I started having doubts because suddenly she was a completely different person, actually quite sweet and caring too. And since we work together we still saw eachother. After a while we gave it another go. A real push forward, she was genuinely different and she said I met her "at the wrong time" (she lost close relatives). She said I never took the time to get to know the real person inside because she was dealing with the loss of relatives and couldn't fall in love like I did. I believed her. It made sense.So in part 2 of our relationship, I became really emotionally invested in this relationship. She acted a lot more committed in the relationship - although it was still way off from what I consider to be "normal" (having had two longterm relationships before). She admitted her fear, and said the origins were due to her youth (having a father who left her & her mom) and I felt compassion. The closer we got the more intense the emotions became, up to the point she literally ran away several times. Only to come back crying, saying she had literally no idea how to make a relationship work. She recognized her own fear and admitted a lot of her faulty reactions are due to that.

 

Fast forward another few months, the arguments and stress are spinning out of control and the more I'm trying to plan things together, the more things fall apart. The emotional rollercoaster gets to a high and we crash again several times. This time it's permanent. We decide to call it quits after having hurt eachother too many times. I actually pull the final plug, because I was walking around miserably and depressed a lot. She suddenly says she "loves me". Wow. She says "I didn't want kids, but you're the first person I figured having kids with. Shellshocked. She says "I thought we would live together soon", after having for months denied the possibility of moving together. MIND****ED. She wanted to stay friends, and I let her. For two weeks after the break-up that worked fine although she started playing sexual mindgames again. Nothing happened.

 

Two weeks after the break-up I write her an e-mail, having realized that I appreciated our time together and apologizing for the arguments we had, hoping we can both reflect on the relationship as "it wasn't meant to be". By that time I've read the book "He's scared she's scared" which made it all sink in really. I write her I feel really bad for her phobia and that if she ever wants to talk about things, I'm still there as a friend. I completely remove all the guilt of her because I'm literally saying "I know you couldn't do anything to help your behaviour, it's unconscious and stronger than yourself". I'm writing only positive things. Maybe they were too confronting but I was not agressive at all, forgiving is the better word, even taking part of the blame on me for not taking it slow enough.

 

Next thing I know she's blocked any means of communication with me. She told me to never speak to her again and that she needs to be left alone. MIND****ED again. Suddenly I feel shellshocked, in a lot of heartache (I started to miss her), and she's nowhere to be reached. I made one attempt to speak with her in person, and she ridiculed and belittled me in the cruelst way possible. After that we never spoke again, which is a ago now. I've tried my very best not to get in contact with her and it's a miracle I've survived, it's been really harsh. However, she is working with me in the same hospital. She ignores me completely, if we walk by she looks the other way. She is out there, enjoying life, laughing with colleagues and joking about her future plans. I've heard that she's dating this guy who she met while we were still together and was already seeing "on a friendly basis".

 

I feel utterly wrecked on the inside, I lost a big part of myself in this relationship. Although I'm the one who pulled the plugs, it's like one big revenge tour of hers to make me feel as worse as possible. My self-esteem has plunged along the ride too and I'm working hard on myself, but it's so hard to cope with the fact she's acting like I never existed in the first place. She said no one ever came as close as I did. How on earth can she let someone else get close now this soon? I'm devastated as obviously I still love her. It would be easier if I could hate her, but I know that deep down she's just one terribly frightened scary unsecure little girl and her behaviour is probably all about protection and building walls.

 

I've tried blocking her out of my life, but like I said she works in the same building. I can't quit my job over this. How is it possible she can bury and block everything that's happened between us? At the same time she suddenly deblocked me from social networks and I can see she's put up new profile pictures...pictures that I took of her. What kind of cruel mind**** is this?!

[thegreatesthumphrey]

This is the perfect thread for me!

 

l have a THlCK fearful/avoident attachment disorder (aka commitment phobic). lt also bleeds into actual commitments in life rather than people. l have spent years studying myself and am well versed in it. lt has been an attempt to heal myself. (to no avail) l can pretty much answer any question you have on the topic.

 

Additionally, l just broke up with a person that had a dismissive/avoidant personality, and did research on that as well.

 

l will write a paper up for you and post it, just dont have time right now.

[peters85]

I apparently can't send you a PM.

Would be great if you could send some answers to the 'victims' who dated people with commitment phobia. Because I really feel I'm denied closure and she ripped out my organs by throwing such a final 'coup'. How can you bury the emotions of a relationship so easily and move on like nothing happened? Doesn't it come back later to haunt you? How can you ignore a person you supposedly loved enormously only to pretend like they don't exist just weeks later?

 

This is the perfect thread for me!

 

l have a THlCK fearful/avoident attachment disorder (aka commitment phobic). lt also bleeds into actual commitments in life rather than people. l have spent years studying myself and am well versed in it. lt has been an attempt to heal myself. (to no avail) l can pretty much answer any question you have on the topic.

 

Additionally, l just broke up with a person that had a dismissive/avoidant personality, and did research on that as well.

 

l will write a paper up for you and post it, just dont have time right now.

[Itspointless]

I apparently can't send you a PM.

Would be great if you could send some answers to the 'victims' who dated people with commitment phobia. Because I really feel I'm denied closure and she ripped out my organs by throwing such a final 'coup'. How can you bury the emotions of a relationship so easily and move on like nothing happened? Doesn't it come back later to haunt you? How can you ignore a person you supposedly loved enormously only to pretend like they don't exist just weeks later?

You need 50 posts to pm. I am sorry to hear about your story. I guess I was lucky to only be a few months with an avoidantly attached woman. It was clear that she is attached like this when she got into severe stress due to personal circumstances. And the fact that I did not want to leave her because she had a hard time: she said in the beginning that she was afraid of being left. These people are I guess masters in suppression and look down - as I have read in research - on emotions as they make us appear weak. They learned other ways to cope with life, not a healthy way but another way.

I completely remove all the guilt of her because I'm literally saying "I know you couldn't do anything to help your behaviour, it's unconscious and stronger than yourself". I'm writing only positive things. Maybe they were too confronting but I was not agressive at all, forgiving is the better word, even taking part of the blame on me for not taking it slow enough.

You did two things. You tried to speak about feelings - which means coming closer - while she finally felt she had some safe distance away from you. After that you basically said she is mentally ill forcing her to look to herself in ways that are too confronting and probably also offensive to her.

 

My ex started messaging me to just say hello. So I decided to wrote her my perspective on the things that had happened (not mentioning all this), no begging, not emotional, just how her decisions had an effect on me. I already expected the outcome: she distanced herself again with a writing that could have been a memo. I am at that point that I had enough of it.

Edited April 1, 2014 by Itspointless

[peters85]

These people are I guess masters in suppression and look down - as I have read in research - on emotions as they make us appear weak. They learned other ways to cope with life, not a healthy way but another way.

Would you recommend any other literature? I've read a lot on the internet and obviously the book He's scared she's scared but still having trouble finding closure. Probably because I keep running into her at work (although I'm being ignored, everything there reminds me of her). I've found it helpful to come to terms with what has happened after reading up on the subject. You're right, they learned a different way: how they survive is what makes them who they are. It's far from healthy imo but it's like no one can really make them realize the need for change. It's as if they are quite happy to reside in the fact. At one point she even confessed that a lot of guys had bumped into her walls and left with heartbreak. She said I wasn't the first, neither the last, but that she couldn't do anything about it. It's like she's unable and unwilling to accept any of the blame, because her disorder is all due to her attachment disorder which she developed as a child. Which makes it even harder for me to be mad at her for treating me poorly, as I wholeheartedly feel sorry for the pain she's been through.

 

You did two things. You tried to speak about feelings - which means coming closer - while she finally felt she had some safe distance away from you. After that you basically said she is mentally ill forcing her to look to herself in ways that are too confronting and probably also somewhat offensive to her.

 

The thing is, there were moments of exceptional clarity where she could admit and be straightforward about her actions & feelings. She completely recognized her behaviour and said "I can't help being like this, I don't feel the need to change, maybe I'll always be looking, searching, drifting..." at which point I was about to throw in the towel. She even said to my face once how unusual it was for her to think about someone else too in a relationship, instead of just her own needs. She would be the kind of girl that says "my way or the highway".

 

I really tried to be anything but offensive. Basically I even put the blame on me in part for not giving her enough space and not being patiently enough (although all my friends said they would've given up long long ago...). My writing was really honest polite, being thankful for the moments we shared... it's incredible how much of a boomerang bounced back in my face, completely did not see that one coming. She has always been hot & cold and pushing & pulling, but never at one point did she consider not talking to me. In fact, at times when I was that hurt or pissed at her, she could never not speak to me for longer than a few hours... It's like this person is completely gone, eradicated from existence.

 

My ex started messaging me to just say hello. So I decided to wrote her my perspective on the things that had happened (not mentioning all this), no begging, not emotional, just how her decisions had an effect on me. I already expected the outcome: she distanced herself again with a writing that could have been a memo. I am at that point that I had enough of it.

 

How long after the break-up did she send you a message? Did you have NO contact for a long time? How can these people look at theirselves in the mirror without feeling at least a bit of guilt or sorry?

Edited April 1, 2014 by peters85

[Itspointless]

Would you recommend any other literature? […] I've found it helpful to come to terms with what has happened after reading up on the subject. You're right, they learned a different way: how they survive is what makes them who they are. […] It's like she's unable and unwilling to accept any of the blame, because her disorder is all due to her attachment disorder which she developed as a child. Which makes it even harder for me to be mad at her for treating me poorly, as I wholeheartedly feel sorry for the pain she's been through.

Yes it is helpful to read those things. I would say read the book ‘Attached’ This website is also great: Attachment theory - Psychlopedia - psych-it.com.au Next to that articles of dr. Robert T. Muller and Stan Tatkin, PsyD have been really insightful for me personally. Yes it is hard to be mad as I also saw that she really suffered from the situation she was/is in. I still find that hard to know.

She completely recognized her behaviour […]How can these people look at theirselves in the mirror without feeling at least a bit of guilt or sorry?

Yeah, I recognize this especially in hindsight or when she delivered me the news she said ‘I know myself’. Following this she said she did this or otherwise I would be hurt.

I really tried to be anything but offensive.

Of-course you didn’t, unfortunately that is what people will read when they read your honest message.

How long after the break-up did she send you a message? Did you have NO contact for a long time? […] It's like this person is completely gone, eradicated from existence.

Well I never have been entirely in no contact due to her situation, but since half December I did not start contact myself any-more. Since then she has sent me a line every month. The repetition of the fact that she seems to be entirely gone is my closure.