Has anyone dated anyone who wouldn't commit?

[jennifermariecole]

Note from moderation:

 

This topic was a violation of our spamming guidelines and, in order to preserve the topical responses, where normally a spammer's thread is deleted, this note is inserted and members are free to discuss elements of dating a non-committal person. I'll move this to general relationship discussion.

 

Thanks

Edited March 31, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Remove spam post.

[SCJACK]

I've have that situation, one of her excuses was "i don't want to be committed" "i'm not ready for a relationship" "i want to be alone" she left without giving me any answers.. I don't have time to type up my whole story so look at my thread if you have time to read it. Let me know the results that you conclude...

[KatZee]

Of course. I think everyone on this planet has walked into this situation and been involved with someone who didn't want to commit.

[KatZee]

I mean this really isn't an abnormal situation. There are tons of guys out there now who refuse to really commit. The statistics for marriage are garbage, and tons want to keep options open, so they'll do what's known as "future faking." They give just enough to keep the girl interested and hopeful that the "relationship" is going somewhere, and when it starts getting to be too real, they'll pull a fade, or pull back heavily.

 

They'll give just enough to keep the girl around for easy sex, they may date the girl casually, hang out, but if/when the girl comes around saying, "where do we stand" "we should take this to the next level" the guy just disappears completely because that was never anything he was offering in the first place.

[mtnbiker3000]

Of course this is NOT gender specific. Woman will do the same thing. Sometimes for sex. Sometimes in order to get other wants and needs met...

[newmoon]

this is very common, among men and women. both sexes have that fear. maybe your study should be more specific, or you should specify exactly what pattern you are trying to find. like all men in age ___ to ___ bailed, or all men with red hair, etc. way too broad because most of us could claim a partner or 2 who fell into this category. boils down to two people not being ready at the same time doesn't it? because people unwilling to commit to one partner often commit to the next

[flightplan]

Mine bailed because of religion... but eventually it would have been something else. She just used it as a way to avoid commitment. I knew her for almost 15 years before we became an item and it's scary how you think you know someone for that long, but you really don't. I can honestly say after it was all said and done, that it was a classic case of fear of intimacy. She was the perfect girlfriend until she started falling in love... and then.... BAM!, it was over. She even told me she was falling in love the week before the BU and it scared her. Funny how all of a sudden religion became an issue (yeah right) and then she couldn't be with me anymore. Ha! She bailed.

[jennifermariecole]

this is very common, among men and women. both sexes have that fear. maybe your study should be more specific, or you should specify exactly what pattern you are trying to find. like all men in age ___ to ___ bailed, or all men with red hair, etc. way too broad because most of us could claim a partner or 2 who fell into this category. boils down to two people not being ready at the same time doesn't it? because people unwilling to commit to one partner often commit to the next

 

mmm true - perhaps I should be more specific. I'm looking to speak to people whose partners had a history of not committing, who admitted this, and followed the pattern set out by psychologists as a 'fear of intimacy' cycle - coming on really strong, telling you you're the one, and then suddenly bailing. I'm interested in the perceived 'triggers'. Some people I've spoken to have cited valentines day, a birthday or a family event. I'm curious as to what others have experienced.

[rosedl]

If you read my back posts, I have written extensively about my experience with someone who is a true commitment phobic person. I realize now his patterns long transcend this relationship and even though he was married for a long while, he never fully committed to his ex wife.

 

People toss around the word commitment phobic very loosely, true commitment phobia is a whole other animal. It definitely does exist, it is torture on the partner because they tend to bolt when you may getting the closest (it brings on their anxiety). Most break ups are challenging experiences but when you are in the height of closeness, openness, and love and you get the door slammed in your face at that moment....it is a special kind of hell.

 

Two week before the breakup, he was talking forever. He sabotaged the relationship starting last October and it never recovered. It was the second time he did this to me.

 

Also, it is very rare for them to change. The people I have talked to on this board and others all report the same pattern. Commitment phobias have a hard time committing either way and they will swing back and forth to big extremes of closeness and total distance and separation. They often return but it is meaningless because once they start swinging the other way, they leave again. My ex kept his last girlfriend on a string for over five years.

 

If yours come back, don't take him back unless he starts counseling for his issue and admits his problem. This stuff runs deep. Unless you do, you will again be at the mercy of the dynamic. Worse, comforting a commitment phobe and reassuring them around their issues doesn't work because you can't fix it for them. Often, the better a partner you are and the safer you make them feel, the worse the backlash when you inevitably have your own needs and assert them or do anything whatsover that triggers their issues.

 

Nothing you can do. Deep seated stuff.

[Woggle]

Not really but I have never been one to chase after unavailable women. If she didn't want me then next.

[john1682]

Crazy because I feel like my ex broke up with me over commitment issues on my end. A friend of mine pointed out that I never brought her around any of my friends, she met like 1-2 family members & that was by accident. So I was wondering if that's really the reason because I feel like all of that wasn't intentional, that's just how it played out. We were together for 7 months, I met everyone from her end, but it wasn't the same on my end. Idk... But I guess I was committed but then again I wasn't

[Itspointless]

Not really but I have never been one to chase after unavailable women. If she didn't want me then next.

I think if it would have been this clear from the start most of us - me included - would not have fallen for such a partner.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

mmm true - perhaps I should be more specific. I'm looking to speak to people whose partners had a history of not committing, who admitted this, and followed the pattern set out by psychologists as a 'fear of intimacy' cycle - coming on really strong, telling you you're the one, and then suddenly bailing. I'm interested in the perceived 'triggers'. Some people I've spoken to have cited valentines day, a birthday or a family event. I'm curious as to what others have experienced.

 

A lot of people assume it's commitment phobia, when really it's just that they aren't interested in you. They keep you on the back burner for an ego boost and sex. That is completely different, but people toss around the word commitment to cool the burn. But in those rarer cases...it's bluntly in your face and it's the most awful painful thing to go through, for both people involved.

 

Even though I just posted a thread about commitment phobia not too long ago, it was based on what I was feeling at the time. One of the many conversations my ex and I have had that made me feel compelled to be against this so called Mr. Unavailable term. He had told me it wasn't that he was scared of commitment, it was just that I wasn't the one. It intrigued me, because for 3 years I strongly believed it was more than that. And in which in many other conversations we had, he always told me he was scared, that he kept coming back because he didn't want to lose me, and now it's because I just was never the one?!

 

My ex and I have been at it for over 3 years. I've sort of stopped talking about as much on LS because a lot of people were against me and the relationship. I had a ton of support, don't get me wrong, but no one REALLY understood why I kept going back. Or why he kept coming back...It began to get annoying.

 

Even last night, my ex and I had a conversation about our relationship as it was something we defined as "****ed up, insecure and jealous". It was more than that also, we have been through thick and thin. Have you ever heard of the song by Missy Higgins, "Where I Stood", this was exactly how my ex explained how he feels. He knows the right thing to do would be to let me move on, but he can't. And I'm not ready to either.

 

My ex has been the one to say it's not commitment phobia, it's just that he isn't interested in me and then the next day he says how he is confused, how he loves me, how this all must mean something...

 

I could go on and on about this subject, but I must clock in for work now. You can ask me anything...

[Itspointless]

Wel this is a bit the problem with the question asked; commitment issues/choices and attachment issues can all be very different things when looked at from a scientific standpoint.

[jphcbpa]

Have you read "He's Scared, She's Scared".

 

I am willing to share my story with you.

[Never Again]

I've got severe attachment issues. I've always had an avoidant attachment style, but it's gotten worse due to crappy relationship experiences.

 

Fear CAN and WILL interfere with "love" in any form. However, more often than not, it's used as a convenient excuse when people's feelings have faded or they were just never that into you in the first place.

 

I had some horrible, horrible fears during my last relationship and pulled away. I've got a thread in the "Abuse" section listing why, but basically, I was afraid of hurting her and getting hurt, so I avoided time with her and TRUE intimacy. I acted differently because I was scared of her.

 

It's stupid, but people pull that crap.

[jphcbpa]

You are denying yourself happiness.

[Never Again]

You are denying yourself happiness.

 

Well, yes.

 

You're right.

 

I didn't feel like I deserved it at the time, though.

 

Which is why I lost her too.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Well, yes.

 

You're right.

 

I didn't feel like I deserved it at the time, though.

 

Which is why I lost her too.

 

 

I think they are aware subconsciously that they are missing out and denying themselves love.

 

It's not about that.

 

It's more...it's psychological. It's fear.

[Never Again]

I think they are aware subconsciously that they are missing out and denying themselves love.

 

It's not about that.

 

It's more...it's psychological. It's fear.

 

Pretty much.

 

I KNEW I was doing something wrong by pulling away.

 

So I'd overcompensate and would treat her super well and super gently to "make up for it", but all I was doing was putting her on a pedestal.

 

Then I'd realize I was acting "unmanly" and would try to rewind on that, and would try to be assertive about something dumb and push her away.

 

It was a nasty pattern. The more I valued her, the less I felt I deserved her, and the more I'd bounce all over the place.

[jphcbpa]

Pretty much.

 

I KNEW I was doing something wrong by pulling away.

 

So I'd overcompensate and would treat her super well and super gently to "make up for it", but all I was doing was putting her on a pedestal.

 

Then I'd realize I was acting "unmanly" and would try to rewind on that, and would try to be assertive about something dumb and push her away.

 

It was a nasty pattern. The more I valued her, the less I felt I deserved her, and the more I'd bounce all over the place.

 

Thank you for sharing this. It helps me know that it was not me, there was nothing I could do, nothing I can fix, not my problem/journey/issue, even though she told me as much..it is hard not to take it personal and want to "fix" the problem. it is hard to to internalize and thing could have/would have/should have.

 

I did the best I could. I did not do anything wrong. I was available and vulnerable. She was not and could not be, but tried in her own way.

[Never Again]

Thank you for sharing this. It helps me know that it was not me, there was nothing I could do, nothing I can fix, not my problem/journey/issue, even though she told me as much..it is hard not to take it personal and want to "fix" the problem. it is hard to to internalize and thing could have/would have/should have.

 

I did the best I could. I did not do anything wrong. I was available and vulnerable. She was not and could not be, but tried in her own way.

 

You're welcome.

 

I tried in my own way as well. My ex did too.

 

I didn't value myself as a person anymore. It's not that I put herself of a pedestal...I dug myself into a rut. I was struggling but didn't want her to know. The problem was, when you're acting out of fear, anxiety and depression...you're just acting weird.

 

I didn't mean to elevate her above me, but I did I guess, and she just drifted off.

 

I knew what the problems were and wanted to fix them, but in her heart there was nothing to fix...her romantic feelings were just GONE.

 

Fear breaks up loads of relationships, we just don't always realize that fear is the ultimate cause.

[Itspointless]

I think they are aware subconsciously that they are missing out and denying themselves love.

 

It's not about that.

 

It's more...it's psychological. It's fear.

In my case It had everything to do with fear and reacting on old impulses. The trigger was that she was faced with a really hard reality. At the time it came out of the blue though.

Pretty much.

 

I KNEW I was doing something wrong by pulling away.

 

So I'd overcompensate and would treat her super well and super gently to "make up for it", but all I was doing was putting her on a pedestal.

 

Then I'd realize I was acting "unmanly" and would try to rewind on that, and would try to be assertive about something dumb and push her away.

 

It was a nasty pattern. The more I valued her, the less I felt I deserved her, and the more I'd bounce all over the place.

I really am impressed with how you are able to mirror you actions and be reflective about it. Especially because I have read what you have been going through. It can only get better than this, hang on man!

[tlegend]

I have tendencies of a commitment phobe.

 

It stems from a family that was broken by a few events that lead to affecting my ability to trust the people I love in my life.

 

In fact, it affected by ability to even say the words "I love you" to people who I really do love.

 

Where did it start? I would remark around high school, although diving deeper into my life and REALLY thinking about it, I feel as if it stems from events that happened in my life prior to that. (I was the product of one parent grabbing us in the middle of a fight and moving 2000+ miles away. The other parent....decided not to fight for us...(us being me and my brother).

 

I'm trying to relay this story and give you a personal experience without diving into facts, please bear with me as I navigate the politically correct way of recollecting these experiences.

 

Before my college years, an event occurred which resulted in my father suddenly being unable to be a part of our lives for 10 years. This changed my whole dynamic of life...at a young age. I had to learn how to survive.... and I didn't exactly have the lessons of successful parents to model (at that time).

 

Shortly after all this happened, I met the woman of my dreams. I'm still very much in love with her, albeit I will never act on that love due to the sheer amount of pain and hurt I suffered from the transgressions of our relationship. This relationship was my first true effort at opening my heart, again, to someone very close to me. After learning of some of the transgressions that occured, I vividly remembering feeling the fear and it was very real. I remember the exact time it happened. We were in the car driving to a park when I was told the events that happened (regarding the transgressions in our relationship on her part.) At this point, I had her pull over the car as I threw up out of the passenger side of the car. I remember, very very vividly, feeling like the world just crashed down on me and that I was betrayed, once again, by someone I loved so very very much. I cried, I yelled, and right then and there, I closed my heart. I knew I did. It wasn't an audible sound or a verbal affirmation. It was a silent agreement to myself to never allow someone like that near me again, and to never feel the hurt that I felt that day. Ever.

 

This all happened probably 8 years ago. To this day, I have problems allowing anyone in my life within an arms reach, girlfriends included. I've dated since then, but each relationship ended with very similar results... I never fully committed to my partner, and the attraction that was originally the foundation of our relationship wavered in each relationship.

 

I also never admitted to myself that I loved that woman (8 years ago, that relationship), and that I was deeply hurt by her actions. She, to this day on the rare occurrences that we communicate, denies the transgressions that she herself, and her friend later on, admitted to me.

 

I've never been through therapy per se, but the Lord knows I've done plenty of online research and A LOT of thinking / advice to arrive to where I am today. I do believe I could probably use some help from therapy, however my financial obligations have not made that avenue readily accessible, hence my avid research by myself through various books / forums / self reflection.

 

Wow...that ended up a lot longer that I thought it would. I've also included some personal experiences that really shook the foundation of who I was. I hope that helps with your research as an opinion from someone who hasn't been treated through therapy...but arrived at his own inner peace through trial & error and a lot of alone-thinking time. (I tend to become a shut-in when I can't handle my emotions, and I'm an extrovert. Go figure!)

Edited February 27, 2014 by tlegend

[Itspointless]

... an event occurred which resulted in my father suddenly being unable to be a part of our lives for 10 years. This changed my whole dynamic of life...at a young age. I had to learn how to survive.... and I didn't exactly have the lessons of successful parents to model (at that time).

That is pretty much my problem too. I too had my parents unavailable in certain periods of my childhood due to circumstantial and personal stress - stress was always in the background as long as I can remember - and finally the illness and death of one of my parents. When I look back I can see that it made me for the most part anxious, but I also recognize that I sometimes have been a bit avoidant to relating. I also can relate to what you say about a successful model. Sometimes I don't have a clue of what is supposed to be normal. I guess that will be a lifelong challenge.