Does physical attraction develop? If so, when and how?

February 15, 2014

There's been several times I've encountered a great guy, but for some reason there wasn't an "x" factor that made me really attracted to him. On the other hand, some of my female friends (and women on here, it seems) have talked about developing physical attraction for someone after getting to know him better.

When is this likely to occur, versus just stay attraction-less? I think I've had this happen to me once with a guy I didn't really find physically attractive, but I never even dated him. He was just a coworker.

I'm currently dating a guy I feel sort-of 50-50 about physical attraction wise, but quite certain about personality/value wise.

February 15, 2014

I think attraction is pretty hard to develop although after dating for months I get slightly more attracted. Chemistry is hard for me to develop we either have it or we don't. I would possibly settle for 50-50 it's better than 0.

February 15, 2014

OP...what the women mean by "developing an attraction after a while" is that you are finally seeing past the initial infatuation or lack thereof, and concentrating on other little things that means a lot in a relationship i.e. substance of importance

February 15, 2014

To me, finding a guy attractive and having chemistry with him do not go hand in hand.

I don't feel intense chemistry with a guy I am repulsed by, either; but I have felt the "x" factor with guys who I did not think were hot or especially attractive.

You can feel this "wow" factor with people who you don't thin are gorgeous looking. You just feel it.

February 16, 2014

To me, finding a guy attractive and having chemistry with him do not go hand in hand.

I don't feel intense chemistry with a guy I am repulsed by, either; but I have felt the "x" factor with guys who I did not think were hot or especially attractive.

You can feel this "wow" factor with people who you don't thin are gorgeous looking. You just feel it.

To me, chemistry and the "x factor" are synonymous. But these concepts are quite subjective and hard to define.

February 16, 2014

OP...what the women mean by "developing an attraction after a while" is that you are finally seeing past the initial infatuation or lack thereof, and concentrating on other little things that means a lot in a relationship i.e. substance of importance

Hmm, this does make sense. I've heard women also say they developed physical/sexual attraction after awhile, not just an attraction for endearing quirks and his personality.

February 16, 2014

To me, chemistry and the "x factor" are synonymous. But these concepts are quite subjective and hard to define.

No kidding, the funniest part is, most women that claim this "chemistry" don't even know what they speak of, they just jump on the bandwagon of people that say it...it's simple really people. Do an inner soul search and see what was missing from your previously relationships, and that is what you want rectified in your next relationship.

Point in case...if your ex was the type that stayed home and played video games all day long while you go out to work, obviously you want to trade up and find a new person that has a job and is hardworking

February 16, 2014

There's been several times I've encountered a great guy, but for some reason there wasn't an "x" factor that made me really attracted to him. On the other hand, some of my female friends (and women on here, it seems) have talked about developing physical attraction for someone after getting to know him better.

When is this likely to occur, versus just stay attraction-less? I think I've had this happen to me once with a guy I didn't really find physically attractive, but I never even dated him. He was just a coworker.

I'm currently dating a guy I feel sort-of 50-50 about physical attraction wise, but quite certain about personality/value wise.

as we age I think we mature enough to realize that amazing partners come in not-so-attractive packages. I am with a guy now that I would say is a 4 or 5 on looks scale compared to my 8 or 9 (he thinks he got a 10, of course). but he is a 10 in personality and I am a 3 or 4, so he is a much better/kinder/nicer person than me. the 'chemistry/lust/physical attraction' was NOT at all there for me, and never has been, but he pursued me for years and wanted me to see what a great match we were in other ways. do I get butterflies when he comes through the door? well... no. but do I feel comfort when he cuddles or hugs me? yes. safety? yes. cared for? 100%. respected? yes. loved? yes. turned on? at times. and I have the knowledge that I can do no wrong; that I am accepted as I am.

he has qualities that I know make a good match and he treats me better than any "10" man on looks/chemistry ever has. he supports me, is proud of me, and gives me anything I ask for.

you cannot put a timeline on when the attraction will grow for you (and it probably won't to be honest), but you can continue to grow and like him as a person. if the initial physical attraction isn't there it won't all of a sudden appear, but the longer you stay with him and appreciate him the more you will see how attractive he is as a person, that is what happens, you fall more in love with the person (not necessarily his looks, those become whatever).

think of how many times you have been in lust/immediate chemistry and where did it end up? those relationships eventually crash and burn when the passion fades, and the relationship often has ups/downs/jealousy because you so into that person.

as long as your guy isn't a troll you can be adult enough to make it work and be very happy and fulfilled with him. but you have to be mature enough to know that chemistry is fleeting, and that love can still be very present even in the absence of amazing looks. you're not sacrificing or giving up anything, you are accepting a greater type of love, one built on true compatibility and the type where you are actually 'in love' because the person represents what you really want. it might not be the passionate love that people strive for it'll be a comfortable one, and those last longer... so don't just leave because he isn't your perfect 10 in looks.

February 16, 2014

From a guy's perspective...I'd say this:

My 'type' has generally been more about a slim woman, but after I met the woman I'm currently dating, who is more of the curvy variety, my taste has changed. I now find her body type/look to be extremely attractive. This is called developing attraction. For people where deeper/personality traits are more important, I suspect it happens frequently.

For those where physical appearance is the more important quality; I question why they would want a relationship at all...

February 16, 2014

Yes, it can do. As long as you really like the guy's personality and his manners, it can develop, especially if you become at all physical at some point and even kiss. If you really don't feel anything and are bored with him, don't even attempt to try anything physical because it's unlikely to develop. There has to be some emotional attraction.

February 16, 2014

Physical attraction is way more than just looks.

I'm attracted to a guy right now who the average woman would not think is a 10. He's got a bit of a tummy and he's not the hot type with a woman on each arm, but there's a charm to him that makes him oh so irresistible! You can line up ten guys with 10/10 looks and bodies like the statue of David, and put this guy at the end and my eyes would be only for him. He's absolutely gorgeous. He's also a total sweetheart, timid, and intellectually brilliant. So he's way above your textbook ripped hot guy.

I've dated guys who are a legit 10. However their arrogance and their holier-than-thou attitude, as if I need to drop to my knees and worship them simply because they asked me out, is a huge turn-off.

There's so much more to a guy than just looks. Charm, wit, personality, it's got to be the whole package. The guys I've liked the longest were the ones I didn't find physically attractive at first. But there was that something they had that drew me to them and after a while I found myself physically attracted to them.

February 16, 2014

as we age I think we mature enough to realize that amazing partners come in not-so-attractive packages. I am with a guy now that I would say is a 4 or 5 on looks scale compared to my 8 or 9 (he thinks he got a 10, of course). but he is a 10 in personality and I am a 3 or 4, so he is a much better/kinder/nicer person than me. the 'chemistry/lust/physical attraction' was NOT at all there for me, and never has been, but he pursued me for years and wanted me to see what a great match we were in other ways. do I get butterflies when he comes through the door? well... no. but do I feel comfort when he cuddles or hugs me? yes. safety? yes. cared for? 100%. respected? yes. loved? yes. turned on? at times. and I have the knowledge that I can do no wrong; that I am accepted as I am.

he has qualities that I know make a good match and he treats me better than any "10" man on looks/chemistry ever has. he supports me, is proud of me, and gives me anything I ask for.

you cannot put a timeline on when the attraction will grow for you (and it probably won't to be honest), but you can continue to grow and like him as a person. if the initial physical attraction isn't there it won't all of a sudden appear, but the longer you stay with him and appreciate him the more you will see how attractive he is as a person, that is what happens, you fall more in love with the person (not necessarily his looks, those become whatever).

think of how many times you have been in lust/immediate chemistry and where did it end up? those relationships eventually crash and burn when the passion fades, and the relationship often has ups/downs/jealousy because you so into that person.

as long as your guy isn't a troll you can be adult enough to make it work and be very happy and fulfilled with him. but you have to be mature enough to know that chemistry is fleeting, and that love can still be very present even in the absence of amazing looks. you're not sacrificing or giving up anything, you are accepting a greater type of love, one built on true compatibility and the type where you are actually 'in love' because the person represents what you really want. it might not be the passionate love that people strive for it'll be a comfortable one, and those last longer... so don't just leave because he isn't your perfect 10 in looks.

You can have passion and compatibility.

You don't have to pick one or the other.

My guy isn't a perfect ten in looks, but I always had chemistry with him from date one. We are also a good match relationship wise.

We are both relationship orientated and we were looking for depth and the potential to have a lasting relationship with someone.

My bf and I are not uncommon; there are many people in long term, life long relationships, where there was chemistry and passion from the start.

February 16, 2014

There's been several times I've encountered a great guy, but for some reason there wasn't an "x" factor that made me really attracted to him. On the other hand, some of my female friends (and women on here, it seems) have talked about developing physical attraction for someone after getting to know him better.

When is this likely to occur, versus just stay attraction-less? I think I've had this happen to me once with a guy I didn't really find physically attractive, but I never even dated him. He was just a coworker.

I'm currently dating a guy I feel sort-of 50-50 about physical attraction wise, but quite certain about personality/value wise.

I am sure it is possible but for me, I've never "developed" an attraction in a more contrived situation like something that was romantic from the get-go.

For me, it's been more like having a male friend/acquaintance that may not initially fit what I would usually go after/be receptive to but after getting to know him, his qualities shined through and I began to look at him differently.

Whenever it has started off romantically, if I wasn't into the person from the beginning, that never changed. Case in point, I spent Valentine's day with a guy I knew from NY who is now also in LA. We met SIX YEARS AGO. I was like 20 when we first met and dated out of boredom so it didn't bother me that I wasn't that into him. I kissed him once in the like 4 times we went out as I was spanking his monkey one time because LOL I get a kick out of being freaky in public places and give a mean hand job LOL. I guess he didn't want to be alone on v-day so he invited me out last night. We kissed for a bit but didn't do anything else despite me sleeping over on his bed. He's a gentlemen so he has never forced himself on me. Anyway, "it" still wasn't there.

February 17, 2014

Physical attraction is way more than just looks.

I'm attracted to a guy right now who the average woman would not think is a 10. He's got a bit of a tummy and he's not the hot type with a woman on each arm, but there's a charm to him that makes him oh so irresistible! You can line up ten guys with 10/10 looks and bodies like the statue of David, and put this guy at the end and my eyes would be only for him. He's absolutely gorgeous. He's also a total sweetheart, timid, and intellectually brilliant. So he's way above your textbook ripped hot guy.

I've dated guys who are a legit 10. However their arrogance and their holier-than-thou attitude, as if I need to drop to my knees and worship them simply because they asked me out, is a huge turn-off.

There's so much more to a guy than just looks. Charm, wit, personality, it's got to be the whole package. The guys I've liked the longest were the ones I didn't find physically attractive at first. But there was that something they had that drew me to them and after a while I found myself physically attracted to them.

So you're arguing that physical attraction (at least for you) comes from everything else in addition to physical appearance? For me they seem to be two separate things, at least normally. I'd like to see it your way though.

The first bolded part definitely describes the guy I've gone on a few dates with. At least from what I know of him thus far. He's definitely intelligent/intellectual (we both hate superficial people), has a witty/sarcastic sense of humor, and is a complete gentleman. It's starting slow and there's no pressure, so he isn't douche-y or arrogant. I too am turned off by the stereotypical "player". There has to be something else. I can't tell how I feel physically right now, though. I'm definitely not repulsed, but I'm also not wanting to rip his pants of (if I had to quantify my physical attraction right now, it'd be 6.5/10).

February 17, 2014

So you're arguing that physical attraction (at least for you) comes from everything else in addition to physical appearance? For me they seem to be two separate things, at least normally. I'd like to see it your way though.

The first bolded part definitely describes the guy I've gone on a few dates with. At least from what I know of him thus far. He's definitely intelligent/intellectual (we both hate superficial people), has a witty/sarcastic sense of humor, and is a complete gentleman. It's starting slow and there's no pressure, so he isn't douche-y or arrogant. I too am turned off by the stereotypical "player". There has to be something else. I can't tell how I feel physically right now, though. I'm definitely not repulsed, but I'm also not wanting to rip his pants of (if I had to quantify my physical attraction right now, it'd be 6.5/10).

Really? Dang. I don't know if I can explain then! I definitely want to rip the pants off my guy. He definitely has all the qualities of your guy. I found that with my guy, it took a bit of time before I felt physically attracted to him. I found that I began to feel that way after I discovered all those qualities about his personality that I liked.

What I suggest is, keep seeing your man. Physical attraction can take time to develop. I personally usually feel some sort of initial physical attraction towards hot players, but realistically nothing can develop from interactions with someone who only pursues a woman for sex.

February 17, 2014

I've dated objectively beautiful girls and objectively not so beautiful girls. The girls I had the most chemistry with turned out to be really beautiful to me even though they were objectively not so much. The girls whom the relationship was dry grew unattractive to me, even though the average person may have thought otherwise.

Yes attraction can grow if chemistry builds. And it works the other way around too btw. So don't be shallow, rather focus on how well you get along. Everyone becomes (objectively) ugly as they age anyway.

February 17, 2014

I've dated objectively beautiful girls and objectively not so beautiful girls. The girls I had the most chemistry with turned out to be really beautiful to me even though they were objectively not so much. The girls whom the relationship was dry grew unattractive to me, even though the average person may have thought otherwise.

Yes attraction can grow if chemistry builds. And it works the other way around too btw. So don't be shallow, rather focus on how well you get along. Everyone becomes (objectively) ugly as they age anyway.

HOW does this happen? Or maybe I should ask, how did it happen for you in your experience(s)? What made you realize you were becoming attracted to a not-so (objectively) attractive person? I don't think I've had this happen, but I don't have a ton of experience either. I could potentially see this happen with the guy I'm dating now, but I don't want to waste his/my time either.

Edited February 17, 2014 by paigej91

February 17, 2014

but for some reason there wasn't an "x" factor that made me really attracted to him

"X Factor" = good looks, money, alpha male behavior, etc. Things women are conditioned by evolutionary forces to respond to. There's no mystery about it.

I've met a girl here and there, not thought anything of her, then spent some time together and wound up being really attracted to her. It wasn't so much about not finding her attractive at first, though, as just not really noticing her, then later I did. I don't know that I've ever found someone, specifically NOT been attracted to her, and then changed my mind at a later date.

Your naughty parts know what they want. Your heart and mind have very little to do with it.

February 18, 2014

For me its always been immediate. I've lost interest in girls that I found extremely attractive before. And I have grown to care for girls I didn't find as attractive, but it never turned into that "feeling".

Interestingly enough, the few women that I have loved all share one thing. In the morning, no perfume, her neck will smell absolutely delicious to me. I know it has to do with pheromones, and for me it is very powerful.

February 18, 2014

I think for some people, and I suspect especially for the ones that are successful with relationships, attraction does not get separated into different components (eg. physical attraction, emotional attraction, mental attraction etc.).

They see the partner as a whole and their attraction to them can grow based on many different factors. They might first meet someone and feel kind of 'meh', but as they get to know their personality, over time their attraction grows. This is because they see that person as a complete whole, and not just broken down into their constituent parts.

Others however, and probably more people who struggle with relationships fit into this category, separate physical qualities from other more meaningful qualities when it comes to attraction. If you're one of those people, I'm not actually sure if you can change. You just have to hope that someone that turns your crank physically also possess all the other qualities you want, because the other qualities aren't going affect your attraction.

Which sucks for you, because it also means that you are just as likely to be physically attracted to someone that is bad for you as someone that would be good for you...

February 18, 2014

HOW does this happen? Or maybe I should ask, how did it happen for you in your experience(s)? What made you realize you were becoming attracted to a not-so (objectively) attractive person? I don't think I've had this happen, but I don't have a ton of experience either. I could potentially see this happen with the guy I'm dating now, but I don't want to waste his/my time either.

Can't really explain it besides the fact that when I first met them, I never thought "she's cute I want to get to know her". But then I find out she's cool so I get to know her anyway with no intentions besides to be friends. All of a sudden one day I realize I want to spend more and more time with her. And even more fascinating, her negative physical qualities aren't so bad anymore, and I'm finding things about her attractive that I didn't before. It's like magic.

If I were you, stop thinking about whether or not you will be attracted to him. Just follow your heart. If you find yourself enjoying his company, then keep going, if not then don't. Don't force it either. If you don't feel the excitement, butterflies, anything, then he's not for you. Stop being shallow, you'll be unhappy.

February 18, 2014

Guy here. Let me chime in a little and give some of my opinions/stories/examples:

First off...I would categorize myself as "reasonably" cute/handsome. The only physical flaws I have that women are not attracted to from the get go would be:

1. My height (I am 5'5"...not short by any means...but still short enough for most women)

2. My grill/teeth. (Bad Genes...DAMN you mom/dad). My teeth are pretty crooked. I am going to fix them when I have the money. Once I do this...I believe I will move up at least 1 level on the 10 scale factor.

Other than that...I have a fairly fit body, cute face shape, handsome facial features, clean style, clean hair/hygiene and I believe my body type to be proportional with a good leg/torso ratio.

I think my personality/character WAY OUTSHINES my looks. So when I am pursuing women...I "HOPE" they will be attracted to my personality most and try to look past my looks. I am very outgoing, fun to hang out with, very adventurous, have many hobbies, sociable and extroverted. I also know how to treat women with respect, integrity and trust.

My dating/women experiences:

1. Dated a HOT stripper that was 2 inches taller than me. I was totally attracted to her looks from the get go. BUT...I also fell in love with her personality when I got to know her because we liked the same things and had similar interests. IMO...she was attracted to my personality/character most. I could tell that she did not like my height...but she said my personality definitely made up for it.

2. Dated a Peruvian girl about my height. Her looks were average but I was attracted to her physically when I first met her. When I got to know her...our personalities and interests did not match and there was no "X" factor for me so we ended the relationship.

3. There was this girl I met a while back that I could tell "REALLY" wanted to date me. Her looks were average but I was not physically attracted to her. Her personality was great though. We hung out a bit...but in the end there was no "X" factor so I stopped seeing her.

4. Just recently dated a Japanese girl who was above average in looks and had a good personality. I was mostly attracted to her looks. Her interests and mines were not similar though and there was no "X" factor. Never saw her again.

I think physical attraction is different for a lot of people. I also believe that your personalities and interests definitely need to match. Also you both need to be willing to see past the physical appearances and figure out who the other person really is like and if there is anything that can hold you two together without it being mostly the physical.

I also believe there is a maturity/time factor. Older people tend to look past physical and look for personality.

In the end...I believe the best relationships are the ones where you have the "X" factor (butterflies), some physical attraction, same personalities/interests and be willing to grow into the other persons shortcomings. Also...you need to listen and follow your heart.

Thanks.

Edited February 18, 2014 by Stay_Gold

February 18, 2014

It never has for me, and I'm a woman. For me, I know inside of two or three conversations if I find him attractive, and once a guy isn't attractive to me, he is never gone back.

I think if you aren't feeling physical attraction after a certain amount of time, it is okay to end things. You should strive to find someone who you are very into. More importantly, the guy you're with deserves to find someone who is 100% totally attracted to him. Life is too short for anything else.

That said, you'll need to determine the amount of time for yourself. I think giving the guy a month or two is a pretty fair barometer.

February 20, 2014

I think for some people, and I suspect especially for the ones that are successful with relationships, attraction does not get separated into different components (eg. physical attraction, emotional attraction, mental attraction etc.).

They see the partner as a whole and their attraction to them can grow based on many different factors. They might first meet someone and feel kind of 'meh', but as they get to know their personality, over time their attraction grows. This is because they see that person as a complete whole, and not just broken down into their constituent parts.

Others however, and probably more people who struggle with relationships fit into this category, separate physical qualities from other more meaningful qualities when it comes to attraction. If you're one of those people, I'm not actually sure if you can change. You just have to hope that someone that turns your crank physically also possess all the other qualities you want, because the other qualities aren't going affect your attraction.

Which sucks for you, because it also means that you are just as likely to be physically attracted to someone that is bad for you as someone that would be good for you...

Your comment made me think enough that I took a lot of time to reflect on it. I came to the conclusion that I don't know if I originally view one's attractiveness in concrete "sub-categories". The reason I end up seeing it this way is because I analyze. (If you asked anyone who knows me in-person, they would say I have a huge tendency to overanalyze everything in my life). I probably do this for multiple reason, but one reason when it comes to relationships is I'm looking for the best I can possible find, so I analyze different aspects. trying to meet each "criteria" for happiness.

When I think about this guy I've gone on a few dates with, my (general) attraction has grown each date, so there's no reason to stop seeing him. I think I just need to approach this with a non-analytical mindset and just "go with it" (for the lack of a better phrase). It's hard for me to "think with my feelings", but it seems like if I do that my general (including physical) attraction for this guy could grow.

Edited February 20, 2014 by paigej91

February 24, 2014

Yes, it can. I've dated women with little chemistry in the first date that turned into amazing physical chemistry. Physical attraction has a lot more to do than looks.

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Does physical attraction develop? If so, when and how?

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