Overweight

[DemetersHarvest]

When I was still OLD, my profile contained current full-body shots, in sometimes lees than flattering garb. I figured once someone gets beyond this, and would still like to meet, the "overweight" threshold would be overcome, and/or it wasn't important to them for some reason. I'm by no means a slug, and have often been called "attractive". However, reflecting on my OLD experiences, and the amount of rejection I had to "endure", I am left thinking that size did indeed matter, even to those who saw me again after the first date. Do you still reject based on size after date #2? Why would you have chosen to meet in the first place, or not call it off after the first meet?

 

On the other hand, neither of those men were slim, athletic, toned, or fit. Au contraire! However, they listed themselves as "average", even when they were grossly overweight and unfit. They never seemed to have the same lack of opportunity meeting women, as I had with men. What gives?

Edited February 15, 2014 by DemetersHarvest

[HappyLove]

It may have nothing to do with your weight. Skinny people get rejected left & right OLDing too!

[kart180]

I always get rejected just for being OLD. I would not mine dating or marrying a nice women with a average weight or a real weight. My limit is 210lbs. That's it. I would love a chubby curvy down to earth women

[mrs rubble]

I think it's just more "acceptable" for men to be overweight than women. Damned Crazy!!

I'm feeling particularly down about my weight today and angry that my partner made a snide remark about it too....I'd never say anything less than complimentry to him and he's waaaaaaaaaaaay more overweight than I am.

N'er mind I started doing my ab. crunches, leg lifts, lunges and planks earlier and I'm going to have a toned torso in no time.

[kart180]

I think it's just more "acceptable" for men to be overweight than women. Damned Crazy!!

I'm feeling particularly down about my weight today and angry that my partner made a snide remark about it too....I'd never say anything less than complimentry to him and he's waaaaaaaaaaaay more overweight than I am.

N'er mind I started doing my ab. crunches, leg lifts, lunges and planks earlier and I'm going to have a toned torso in no time.

 

True, but now both men and women need to be healthy, however it you are little overweight its not a bad thing we all have curves

[GoreSP]

I think everyone's standards are 10 times higher in OLD. I have accepted dates with men I met in real life that I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have responded to in OLD

[JourneyLady]

I'm having pretty much the same experience with OLD as the OP. The guy I went out on six dates with was giving me "I'm done looking" vibes... but was still looking. His profile actually says he's "average" but he is bigger around than I am. Like the OP, I have a full body shot on my profile and when I've mentioned my weight, they say I look smaller than that (although they could be just being complimentary).

 

I feel what's likely happening is either I am just a fill-in for what they really want (and may never get) or they think I'm easy sex because overweight translates to low self-esteem and in their minds (I've had reason to believe that of one past "relationship".)

 

I'm not that discriminatory on weight but I'm waiting for someone who wants to spend time with me and make the effort and then I will respond to that if it appears to be sincere. Because if I don't, it's just going to be like that five years where I was waiting and putting in maximum effort with him where it just wasn't going to happen. He wants a slim woman and most can do so much better than him.

[Weezy1973]

How do you know it's because of your weight? It's rare to make a connection through online dating as you're meeting strangers - no matter how compatible the profile may make them seem.

 

Your belief that they lose interest due to your weight sounds like you projecting your own insecurities. And if being overweight makes you insecure, wouldn't the answer be to lose weight?

[DemetersHarvest]

I assume it's the weight. I get a lot of views on my profile, but very few responses, quality responses, that is. I know it's common, but you also read about women receiving tens and tens of new messages per day. The ones I went out with were exclusively contacted by me.

 

Other than the size issue (which I am working on), I am fairly outgoing, confident, I'm independent, own my own home, have a well-paid job, and no kids at home anymore. The world is my oyster. I'm no dummy, with an advanced degree, and can hold my own in conversations about various topics. I'm not stuck up, pretentious, or date out of my own league. People generally like me, so why don't my dates? At least enough to go further? THAT's why I think it's the size, and it seems that's all that matters. Quite discouraging, IMO. At times, I feel like a man-repellant, and get very discouraged. Then you read posts from men who seek what I have to offer, and again, the reason I get overlooked is my size. No? Yet, those men that reject me are quite overweight themselves, but don't seem to realize that? For them, it's like "I had skinny before, I can get it again". And poof - Houdini!!

 

I'm quite discouraged. And no, this does not show. You're my sounding board, nowhere else.

[HappyLove]

I assume it's the weight. I get a lot of views on my profile, but very few responses, quality responses, that is. I know it's common, but you also read about women receiving tens and tens of new messages per day. The ones I went out with were exclusively contacted by me.

 

Other than the size issue (which I am working on), I am fairly outgoing, confident, I'm independent, own my own home, have a well-paid job, and no kids at home anymore. The world is my oyster. I'm no dummy, with an advanced degree, and can hold my own in conversations about various topics. I'm not stuck up, pretentious, or date out of my own league. People generally like me, so why don't my dates? At least enough to go further? THAT's why I think it's the size, and it seems that's all that matters. Quite discouraging, IMO. At times, I feel like a man-repellant, and get very discouraged. Then you read posts from men who seek what I have to offer, and again, the reason I get overlooked is my size. No? Yet, those men that reject me are quite overweight themselves, but don't seem to realize that? For them, it's like "I had skinny before, I can get it again". And poof - Houdini!!

 

I'm quite discouraged. And no, this does not show. You're my sounding board, nowhere else.

 

 

Well if you're happy with your weight then they can kick rocks. If your not happy then do something about it.

[Weezy1973]

I assume it's the weight. I get a lot of views on my profile, but very few responses, quality responses, that is. I know it's common, but you also read about women receiving tens and tens of new messages per day.

 

Yes, but why do you assume it's the weight? The issues you're presenting happen to everybody regardless of weight.

 

Other than the size issue (which I am working on), I am fairly outgoing, confident, I'm independent, own my own home, have a well-paid job, and no kids at home anymore. The world is my oyster. I'm no dummy, with an advanced degree, and can hold my own in conversations about various topics. I'm not stuck up, pretentious, or date out of my own league. People generally like me, so why don't my dates?

 

Because most of the things you mention have nothing to do with anything when it comes to dating and relationships. For example, I'm fairly introverted. The fact that you're outgoing probably means we're a bad match. I'm not really attracted to outgoing people. You could be all the things you've mentioned, and still be a terrible relationship partner.

 

How long was you longest relationship?

 

 

 

THAT's why I think it's the size, and it seems that's all that matters.

 

Clearly not the case. All the overweight people I know are in long term relationships / married.

 

Quite discouraging, IMO. At times, I feel like a man-repellant, and get very discouraged. Then you read posts from men who seek what I have to offer, and again, the reason I get overlooked is my size.

 

Do they say it's your size? Have you ever been told "I would date you, but you're too big for me"?

 

Yet, those men that reject me are quite overweight themselves, but don't seem to realize that?

 

If someone's overweight and doesn't realize it, they're probably not too bright. Is that someone you'd want to be with?

 

Just because a guy is overweight, doesn't automatically make him a good match for you. They likely lost interest due to other reasons.

 

For them, it's like "I had skinny before, I can get it again". And poof - Houdini!!

 

Again, is this what most of your dates have told you? I've had skinny before? Seems unlikely, and more likely that you're projecting on them (i.e. making things up due to your own insecurities).

 

OP - your dating woes have nothing to do with your weight. I see a lot of overweight people in relationships. You really have to dig deep and look to see if there are any other underlying issues that may be causing you troubles...

 

For example - being insecure about your weight is way more likely to be a hindrance to dating then will the actual weight. Kind of like the guys who are insecure about their height. Being insecure about their height will have a much greater impact on their dating then will their height itself...

[DemetersHarvest]

Well, let's see....my longest relationship was about 25 years. I was eventually left for a Thai woman, the embodiment of femininity. It stung! I realize that weight, too much of it, may not necessarily be an impediment to a relationship, but in OLD, it's certainly a huge hindrance.

[Tayken]

Lets not pretend, if you are "overweight", the stigma is there are your dating pool is limited to a smaller audience/interested parties. Yes there are people that are interested in bigger women/men, but most of the time you are more likely to see "likes" together.

 

As adults, we have a responsibility to take good care of ourselves, as it transcends into other parts of our lives, like dating, health and mobility.

 

Speaking of being overweight......this might help

 

Keeping weight in check and losing weight is simple.......adopt a lifestyle as opposed to a "diet". Contrary to popular belief, Carbs don't make you gain weight, it's the amount of calories that you put in that makes you gain weigh, especially if you are not burning the Glycogen that was converted from glucose

 

So....depending on your height and weight, you should only really be consuming a certain amount of calories a day (yes count calories) i.e. everything in moderation.

 

Personally, my calorie count is 2,516 calories/ day and most of the time I don't even max it out. You also have to include Cardio workout 2-3 /week.

 

Threadmill....most people don't realize that to burn fat, you have to be on the machine for at least 45-60mins. This is the point where fat burning takes place. If you only get off after minimum 30mins, all you've done is work on your VO2

 

A high protein, low calorie, low fat diet with lots of veggies, eggs (low in calorie), fruits (careful with the ones that contain a lot of sugar) and herbal caffeine free tea.

[kart180]

Lets not pretend, if you are "overweight", the stigma is there are your dating pool is limited to a smaller audience/interested parties. Yes there are people that are interested in bigger women/men, but most of the time you are more likely to see "likes" together.

 

As adults, we have a responsibility to take good care of ourselves, as it transcends into other parts of our lives, like dating, health and mobility.

 

Speaking of being overweight......this might help

 

Keeping weight in check and losing weight is simple.......adopt a lifestyle as opposed to a "diet". Contrary to popular belief, Carbs don't make you gain weight, it's the amount of calories that you put in that makes you gain weigh, especially if you are not burning the Glycogen that was converted from glucose

 

So....depending on your height and weight, you should only really be consuming a certain amount of calories a day (yes count calories) i.e. everything in moderation.

 

Personally, my calorie count is 2,516 calories/ day and most of the time I don't even max it out. You also have to include Cardio workout 2-3 /week.

 

Threadmill....most people don't realize that to burn fat, you have to be on the machine for at least 45-60mins. This is the point where fat burning takes place. If you only get off after minimum 30mins, all you've done is work on your VO2

 

A high protein, low calorie, low fat diet with lots of veggies, eggs (low in calorie), fruits (careful with the ones that contain a lot of sugar) and herbal caffeine free tea.

 

Great advice, personally I do sit ups, crunches and weight training. I also try not to eat fast food but it's hard especially with the tasty Taco Bell $1 items.

[JourneyLady]

It still takes lots of time to lose weight if it's anything significant. Lets face it, even if it's two pounds a week that's about 8 lbs per month = ten months to lose eighty pounds. And that's assuming no setbacks, no weight gains for muscle, no holidays.

 

Who wants to delay looking to date that long?

Most of us actually *losing* weight are looking at the same time, but there's no way seeing from our photos how serious we are while being in the process. As for thinking it's an issue, one only has to see the remarks on forums like this from guys who won't date anyone "not healthy", or worse, go on craigslist and see the remarks in rants and raves in some areas putting down anyone overweight. Not to mention the remarks about "Walmart shoppers" or "trailer trash" almost anywhere. Or look at "Secrets" and the things people say on there.

 

I was actually told once by someone that I was discounted as a potential partner because of my weight. This, from a guy who had somewhat of a paunch himself and smoked. Went hiking with him one time and he wasn't nearly as healthy as I was in that high altitude hike. As well, he seemed to have more health problems than I did. (He's still not with anyone - mostly because he can't go more than 30 minutes without a smoke break.)

 

No, it's definitely an issue that cuts down the number of people who will consider you. As if that wasn't enough, I have also read remarks from people who will not consider anyone who has actually LOST a lot of weight, because of the wrinkles. I'm losing the weight because I want to live longer - but quite honestly I look in the mirror and wonder if I am going to be less attractive at the perfect weight because I will likely look older. And I won't be able to afford a facelift like some.

 

I do what I can. I use lots of lotion and try to keep drinking a healthy amount of water. But it is really discouraging that if you have gained weight, you can't really "win" if you don't start losing until you are over 40.

 

Few really look at the inside unless they have the same problem.

[Tayken]

I do what I can. I use lots of lotion and try to keep drinking a healthy amount of water. But it is really discouraging that if you have gained weight, you can't really "win" if you don't start losing until you are over 40.

 

 

I hate to start bring out the cliche's, but am sure you will agree that Rome wasn't built in a day, there is no time like the present, don't delay what you can do now until later?

 

I think it's wrong when people adopt the wrong attitude ...."am trying but it's hard, so am just going to continue stuffing my face". A good starting point is to dump all the junk like pop, fizzy drinks etc and just stick to plain water with some lemon in it.

 

Again...it's all calorie deficit that helps with weight loss i.e. less intake and more exercise (45mins 1hr ) each day

 

Great advice, personally I do sit ups, crunches and weight training. I also try not to eat fast food but it's hard especially with the tasty Taco Bell $1 items.

 

Situp and crunches are only good for the core once you have dropped weight. You can't spot reduce weight...you have to engage your whole body through some form of Cardio to drop the weight. Running outside or hard on a threadmill, elliptical machine going hard, dumbells, mountain climber

[organizedchaos]

It still takes lots of time to lose weight if it's anything significant. Lets face it, even if it's two pounds a week that's about 8 lbs per month = ten months to lose eighty pounds. And that's assuming no setbacks, no weight gains for muscle, no holidays.

 

Who wants to delay looking to date that long?

Most of us actually *losing* weight are looking at the same time, but there's no way seeing from our photos how serious we are while being in the process. As for thinking it's an issue, one only has to see the remarks on forums like this from guys who won't date anyone "not healthy", or worse, go on craigslist and see the remarks in rants and raves in some areas putting down anyone overweight. Not to mention the remarks about "Walmart shoppers" or "trailer trash" almost anywhere. Or look at "Secrets" and the things people say on there.

 

I was actually told once by someone that I was discounted as a potential partner because of my weight. This, from a guy who had somewhat of a paunch himself and smoked. Went hiking with him one time and he wasn't nearly as healthy as I was in that high altitude hike. As well, he seemed to have more health problems than I did. (He's still not with anyone - mostly because he can't go more than 30 minutes without a smoke break.)

 

No, it's definitely an issue that cuts down the number of people who will consider you. As if that wasn't enough, I have also read remarks from people who will not consider anyone who has actually LOST a lot of weight, because of the wrinkles. I'm losing the weight because I want to live longer - but quite honestly I look in the mirror and wonder if I am going to be less attractive at the perfect weight because I will likely look older. And I won't be able to afford a facelift like some.

 

I do what I can. I use lots of lotion and try to keep drinking a healthy amount of water. But it is really discouraging that if you have gained weight, you can't really "win" if you don't start losing until you are over 40.

 

Few really look at the inside unless they have the same problem.

 

If you don't start now, nothing will ever change. That 8 months gets farther and farther out the longer you wait. If you started now, imagine how your life would be different by October, just in time for the holidays. But you wait, and that means January 2015, wait longer and now it's March 2015, etc, etc. If you don't start now, nothing will EVER change.

 

I'm 5'11" and at my heaviest, was pushing 220lbs. I made an effort to get in shape and drop the weight. Dropped 35lbs but with putting muscle on at the same time, totally transformed my body in to more athletic looking/lean. What it will do for your confidence and reactions from the opposite sex will make it all worthwhile.

 

You won't look older if you lose the weight, quite the opposite! I'm 42 and looking back at older pics I look much younger now!

[JDPT]

I hate to think I'm shallow but I fundamentally believe that both man and woman in the relationship should be equally attractive. Yes life happens and yes at times it's substantially difficult to find time to take care of ourselves but we owe it to ourselves to live a healthy life style in addition to benefiting form the perk of looking "good". I can't subscribe to this ubiquitous fallacy of "oh it's ok for men to be overweight while the woman looks stunning" and of course this phrase always comes from women (raises white flag). It's interesting how men/women let themselves go while in a relationship. We reach a comfort level and believe that our SO will be there for us no matter what when that's sadly not always the case. I personally believe that while in a relationship is when an individual should be diligent about their appearance as the SO could easily wonder off due to either redundancy or monotony.

[Tayken]

I can't subscribe to this ubiquitous fallacy of "oh it's ok for men to be overweight while the woman looks stunning" and of course this phrase always comes from women (raises white flag). It's interesting how men/women let themselves go while in a relationship.

 

As a man.....I personally do not belong to that school of thought, on the contrary. Women should adopt the same attitude they had when they were trying to get into their wedding dress....or is that asking too much, and like you said...because they are married now, they no longer have to take care of themselves? Same goes for me....some slimmed down to get into that Tuxedo, and even cut out drinking and junk food, why go back to the old ways?

I personally believe that while in a relationship is when an individual should be diligent about their appearance as the SO could easily wonder off due to either redundancy or monotony.

 

So true because if you want to keep that "spark" going, you got to "stay sexy San Diego"

[DemetersHarvest]

I guess why this weight business hits me so hard is that after almost a quarter of a century, my ex left me, despite being a good wife, mother, friend, loyal, warm, caring and kind (his words). He just wanted someone slim and trim, and left me for a Thai woman (who happens to be jealous and controlling). Size was all that mattered. I can't help but wonder, now that I had a brush up with OLD, that many men are just like that.

[Tayken]

Size was all that mattered. I can't help but wonder, now that I had a brush up with OLD, that many men are just like that.

 

Many women will tell exactly just that too...funny enough. Just saying

[Socks At Play]

But it is really discouraging that if you have gained weight, you can't really "win" if you don't start losing until you are over 40.

 

I started losing weight in my late 20s and I settled around 120lbs lost after seven years or so. According to the body mass index, I remain ~15lbs overweight, but I think I look good and my doctor is happy.

 

I found it was mostly diet related. Exercise is good for the mind, but a brisk hour long walk will only burn 200 calories or so. Beyond putting 45 minutes of exercise into my daily life, it required some other permanent lifestyle changes. First, I stopped drinking soda. Then I had to work on getting portions under control (look at the packaging) and cutting down on the carbs. For my body, I found the type of calories really matter. I was better off eating a slab of red meat instead of a bowl of pasta. I cut fast food down from 3-4 times per week to once per week max. The weight came off 1-2lbs a month. I have no stretch marks and my skin is tight.

 

It doesn't make online dating any easier. (I do not mention that I lost a person's-worth of weight.) I do get more smiles and options in life though, which is really pleasant.

[Rabbitface]

Hmmm. Why would you put bad pictures up? Being fat is not the same as being unattractive and it's not a hurdle to be overcome. I'm a fatty, but I love my body and I wear clothes that look good on me. A big part of that came with dating a guy that really, truly appreciated my body. After that, I started looking at myself differently. I've noticed the most attractive parts of my body and I accept the parts I don't like, because they're all me.

 

It's hard to get past, because there's so much fat-shaming out there. But never you mind. Forget it exists and allow yourself to look, feel and BE sexy. If you're comfortable putting your best foot forward, many more men will find you attractive. We all have **** to deal with, but even if a guy loves your body he won't love the self-hatred that comes with it. I say all of this out of love, because you DESERVE to feel sexy. That's not a perk for skinny people.

 

Anyway, I don't know if this even remotely answered your question or was in any way helpful, but I needed to say it. My heart bleeds for lonely fatties, because I've been one for many many years. Not lonely anymore - still fabulously fat, though

[JourneyLady]

I hate to start bring out the cliche's, but am sure you will agree that Rome wasn't built in a day, there is no time like the present, don't delay what you can do now until later?

 

I think it's wrong when people adopt the wrong attitude ...."am trying but it's hard, so am just going to continue stuffing my face". A good starting point is to dump all the junk like pop, fizzy drinks etc and just stick to plain water with some lemon in it.

 

You've got it all wrong. I'm hiking, I'm NOT drinking ANY soda unless there isn't anything else on the menu like alcohol. And you haven't paid attention to my post that I am using myfitnesspal.com to keep track of what's eaten either.

 

My point was that it's still going to take time if you lose at a healthy rate of 2-3 pounds per week. Seems like you may be just looking for something to argue about.

 

Again...it's all calorie deficit that helps with weight loss i.e. less intake and more exercise (45mins 1hr ) each day

 

Situp and crunches are only good for the core once you have dropped weight. You can't spot reduce weight...you have to engage your whole body through some form of Cardio to drop the weight. Running outside or hard on a threadmill, elliptical machine going hard, dumbells, mountain climber

 

 

Duh. I bought a jumprope. And will be getting a trampoline soon.

 

I hope I'm not going to have to repeat facts about everything I AM doing in every single thread that involves weight loss... I hope no one else will have to do that either.

[JourneyLady]

The issue at hand is NOT whether one should continually work at losing weight. We've all agreed on that. The issue being discussed was whether one should STOP DATING just because the weight isn't all gone yet.

 

To which I disagree... AS it's being lost, you are more likely to find someone who will love you regardless of your weight - WHILE you are working on weight loss and fitness.. Case in point; one guy I'm dating now also needs to lose. If it works out, we can certainly help each other since we both have to deal with it and like myself, he is working to change habits. :-) It's going to be more fun to do weight loss with a partner.

 

You do have to deal with the jerks who are nasty about it though.