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Relations with a "strong personality" friend are starting to get strained and I need


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Posted (edited)

help. We're both females in graduate school and she & I became very close over a short amount of time almost a year ago. I also became very close with her best friend of 8 years, so we've become the terrible trio that does everything together in school and out of it.

 

She says she doesn't make friends easily because she generally just doesn't like people, she loves to debate and call people out on their 'incorrect' notions, she's extremely opinionated about everything, and while she does know a lot about many subjects she sometimes takes it too far and assumes mastery/know-it-all-ism over every topic she talks about. I'm generally a passive person/let anger fester, so that's becoming a problem because occasionally my patience will go and I'll let a comment slip. While J is not like that, I think since we're a tight-knit group of 3 she's been usually holding her tongue as well. So over time it's been getting very tense between the two of us.

 

Just some examples... I had randomly bought them both the same gift (a small beauty tool). After a few days of using it, our third friend was saying how much she liked it, and in reply Jay said, "I don't like it as much as the ones I buy for myself." It's fine to have an opinion about it, but it seemed unnecessary/rude to say that to me after I had gotten it for her randomly to make her happy.

 

She'll often interrupt me in the middle of what I'm saying to say, "Actually, that's wrong, according to blah blah blah..," or even sometimes she'll be more blunt, and say "NO. It's THIS." A few times I'll look it up afterwards and find out she was incorrect in the first place, but the possibility of being wrong never seems to cross her mind.

 

She often seems to mistake opinions for "facts": I offered her a taste of a game-meat spaghetti my fiance had made. She tried it, didn't like it, and I jokingly said, "What's wrong with you?" I felt very bad about that, so shortly after I apologized for saying it and said I understood she hated that game-meat. She shrugged and said, "That's fine, I don't care, I already know you don't have taste buds." It seemed really rude to imply that instead of she and I having differing opinions about something it was just that I have no idea what's good and what's not (or that my fiance can't cook...)

 

And yesterday, I found out our third friend hadn't seen a movie trilogy, and after I said I liked it and she should see it, Jay interjected and said directly to our third friend, "They're not good movies at all." The way she was obviously telling our friend to disregard my suggestion instead of just saying "I don't like those movies" got under my skin and I said, "You know we can have different opinions about things, right?" She obviously became a little offended and I instantly felt bad for saying it, but I don't want to be around people who treat my opinions/ideas like they're wrong instead of they're being just opinions.

 

My fiance tells me that's just the way she is and that she's not stewing over things like I am. So I'd really like some ways to improve the friendship, know when to speak up and when to stay quiet, and how to not let it get so under my skin.

Edited by Cherrywheat
Posted

You should be able to speak up whenever you're bothered.

 

The main issue here, I think, is that she's subconsciously (or by lying to her own mind), putting you down constantly to prove to herself that she's up. More or less, an inferiority complex. I'm definitely the "strong personality" in my group of close friends, but I never put them down seriously. We joke around but we all laugh afterwards because we know that we were joking.

 

hopefully your friend's ego can handle you speaking your mind, because otherwise, I fear that "friendship" will slowly suffocate you.

Posted

I'm the same way and posted a similar thread! :)

Posted

OP,

 

I have to agree with your fiance. Your opinionated, flippant, over-self-confident (i.e. arrogant) friend is never going to change. That's her ingrained personality. She's probably that way for a reason, but that's not for you to worry about. That's actually your friend's responsibility.

 

However, I do see one thing that NEEDS to change between you and her though: personal boundaries. There seems to be a complete absence of healthy personal boundaries between her and you.

 

As you probably already know, personal boundaries make or break every single relationship we have with other people; family, friends, coworkers, romantic partners, children, strangers.

 

Boundaries fall into several categories: What Are Personal Boundaries? How Do I Get Some? | Psych Central

 

Good boundaries are meant to protect you from people like your overbearing friend. Setting good boundaries means letting your friend know what you accept as appropriate or not appropriate from her. And the only way to make your friend respect the boundaries that you set, is not to waver after you set them.

 

If you waver, your friend will invade the same boundary and upset you. That's not her fault when she does it either, because she didn't get the clear message "this is MY boundary and if you don't respect it, this is the result." Once she gets that loud and clear message you will notice her behavior change around you, but only if she respects you enough to abide by the boundaries that you've clearly set. If she doesn't respect your personal boundaries, that means she 1) doesn't respect you and 2) will never respect you.

 

Weak boundaries are:

 

1. When you pretend to agree with the other person when you really don't agree with them.

 

2. Hide your true feelings (you say you're "fine" but deep down you're not).

 

3. Ignore your own emotional needs.

 

 

Setting personal boundaries means having to repeat yourself...a lot. For example, one of the boundaries that your friend invades, is when you speak your opinion. She invades your mental boundary by interrupting you. If you want her to stop interrupting you, the personal boundary that you set has to communicate clearly to your friend what will happen (and it must be a negative consequence for her, not you) if she continues to interrupt you.

 

The steps you can take to get your friend to stop interrupting you includes:

 

1. Tell her (never ask) that you need to finish what you're saying because it's important. "I need you to let me finish this because it's important to me. Then after I'm done, I'd like to hear what you think.

 

2. Keep talking. When your friend interrupts you, do not stop talking. Lower your voice a little, keep your tone calm, and finish what you are saying. This may drive your friend crazy b/c her interrupting you hasn't stopped you. If you practice this enough times with her, she'll learn to shut up so she can hear you finish, or she may ask you to repeat yourself. Remember, don't stop talking! That's the main goal for chronic interrupters: they wan't to stop the other person from talking and they will throw a hissy fit if they have to.

 

3. Ask other people to interrupt the interrupter (your friend). When you are with your friend and your third mutual friend, ask the third mutual friend to jump in with her opinion. Or if you two are in the same class in your grad program and are in a small group, ask the small group to give their opinion which means interrupting your motor-mouth friend.

 

4. Tell your friend point blank that her interrupting you bothers you and tell her why. Do NOT let her hijack the conversation either by interrupting you. Keep talking as soon as she interrupts until she has to shut up to hear what you've said.

 

The only way to deal with your friend is to be more assertive with your needs and wants, make statements to her that communicate to her what you will and will not put up with from her, and include the consequences so she knows what to expect from you. That's the only way you will be able to function in this friendship with your friend.

 

"I don't like it when you interrupt me constantly because it makes me feel like you don't care about what I have to say."

 

"I notice that you tend to present your opinion as fact. Several times when you've done this, I went to check and found that you were wrong. When you do that, I tune out because I..."

 

"I'd like you to stop interrupting me when I speak because when you do that it makes my conversations with you uncomfortable, and I don't want to talk to you if you are going to continue to do that."

 

Figure out what you need to say to your friend and start practicing being assertive with her. Either she'll start to respect the boundaries (the requests) you make, and the friendship will improve, or she won't change because she's not invested enough in the friendship to care about how her behavior effects you.

  • Like 2
Posted

I had a friend like this for more then 12 years. The things you say about your friend match mine exactly. I suspected narcissistic personality. Although it really looks like he had that, i'm not qualified to give a diagnose.

 

What I did know was: this person will not change. I tried a lot, and nothing worked. If you have to give yourself up for a friendship, its not worth it.

Posted (edited)

^^^Agree with you 100% Blombox. But there are methods you can use with narcissists that are proven to work as behavior modification.

 

If you don't set strong personal boundaries with the people in your life, then you'll never get your needs met or feel valued. I'm not saying every narcissist is teachable, but many are.

 

If you really want that person in your life, all you can do it try to make it clear to them what you'll put up with and what you won't. We can't control how other people respond to our requests.

 

All we can do is put our requests out there, and hope the right people will respond with respect. The wrong people won't like it, and will try to manipulate you to change so that they can have their needs met, without any reciprocation.

 

Dump those types. They aren't worth the trouble.

Edited by writergal
Posted
^^^Agree with you 100% Blombox. But there are methods you can use with narcissists that are proven to work as behavior modification.

 

If you don't set strong personal boundaries with the people in your life, then you'll never get your needs met or feel valued. I'm not saying every narcissist is teachable, but many are.

 

If you really want that person in your life, all you can do it try to make it clear to them what you'll put up with and what you won't. We can't control how other people respond to our requests.

 

All we can do is put our requests out there, and hope the right people will respond with respect. The wrong people won't like it, and will try to manipulate you to change so that they can have their needs met, without any reciprocation.

 

Dump those types. They aren't worth the trouble.

 

I know many are, but its not what you want. Do you really want to manipulate a person just to have a 'normal' friendship? Furthermore, a narcissist does not care about you! At all! The person only cares about his/her own ego. Your only use for them is that you confirm that ego.

 

So no, those friendships are not for me.

Posted (edited)
I know many are, but its not what you want. Do you really want to manipulate a person just to have a 'normal' friendship? Furthermore, a narcissist does not care about you! At all! The person only cares about his/her own ego. Your only use for them is that you confirm that ego.

 

So no, those friendships are not for me.

 

I did not tell the OP to manipulate her friend. I wrote about setting stronger personal boundaries as a way for the OP to protect herself and her emotional needs from her friend. My behavior modification comment was meant to say that with the right tools, you can successfully interact with people who have narcissistic tendencies like the OP's friend. Then I suggest that if she tries everything and her friend still doesn't respect her needs, that the OP should dump this friendship because it's only dragging her down.

 

While I agree with you that narcissists are emotional vampires with self-serving tendencies, there are ways to have successful relationships with them, as long as you use the right psychological tools.

 

To suggest that no one ever has a friendship etc with a narcissist is to suggest the impossible. Narcissists are everywhere. They cannot be completely avoided. At some point, you need to interact with them, whether you're in school together, a coworker, a relative, a friend, or a loved one.

 

And I'm not suggesting that the OP be manipulative in the same sense that you are. Setting personal boundaries with expectations is not manipulative. It's quite necessary to do if you want to protect yourself from *being* manipulated by another person. So in that sense, it's actually quite a normal thing to do.

 

If the OP lowers her expectations about her friend, and strategizes her needs that's not the same kind of manipulation that you're talking about.

 

All the OP needs to do is keep her expectations about her friend realistic. She can like some things about her friend (if that friendship is important to her). Yet the OP needs to see that her friend isn't someone she should go to for advice about anything personal because it's pretty clear her friend is limited to being overbearing, a chronic interruptor who doesn't care about the OP's feelings or opinions.

 

And by setting stronger personal boundaries with her friend, the OP won't make her self-worth dependent on this person. It's impossible to please a narcissist and they are the worst kind of people to confide in with personal problems, because they don't care. As long as the OP maintains an emotional distance, she's better off.

Edited by writergal
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