Made it thru Valentines Day...then BAMM

[longjourney]

I made it thru, spent my energies and thoughts on my children. We had a good day. WH did send me roses and a card, but not a big deal and a trigger because throughout his entire LTA he still sent me the same exact thing EVERY year, so doesn't really mean much to me. So yes am keeping my distance and trying to hold on to my sanity.

 

 

I went to my IC again on Wednesday, and was telling her all about the messages/texts I have been reading from during the LTA. She is kind of on the fence about me reading them, but she is also of the thought that I should realize what if anything I am dealing with if I even possibly am considering R. So she did not tell me to hide from the truth of his feelings and actions toward/for her, but to process them.

 

 

That being said, there is one message standing out to me at the moment that I thought I would share. It took place right after DDay. After they were caught there was somewhat of an immediate break in communication between them, but it obviously didn't last because of the second cell phone my WH got that I found after DDay. So the email journal went something like this.

 

 

They were trying to give each other a final goodbye because my WH was on the side of trying to make it work to keep his family together. Which translates to doing his best to stay with his kids. The OW wrote that she was very upset by this. To which my WH told her that he didn't know how he was going to do it either, but he said his plan was that whenever he found himself missing her, he would think of his kids and that he was doing this for them. She said she couldn't imagine being without him, and he said the same to her, but he said he had to try for his kids. Well we all know how long that lasted, about ONE MONTH until he got his second phone.

 

 

STUPID me, yet again confirmed this with the OW, her BH and my WH. All three agree that this conversation did indeed happen. The only problem I have now is how does someone process this? He could have given me 12 dozen roses yesterday and I still wouldn't have been able to process this email.

 

 

He is here with me, he is trying to win me over, he is being honest, though I do know he does not offer any information, mostly he says he forgets and he also says he doesn't want to hurt me. I do not let him see me cry and I am pulling the 180 on him, but to hear the truth in their words, to know the feelings behind those eyes. Love cannot be forced, and honestly my gut tells me EVERY day that he loves her and I believe he is TRYING harder then I am to make our M real, but am I wrong to think a real love will just be? Happy Valentines Day to me.

[tired girl]

Is that good enough for you? Do you want to be married to someone that wants to be with you, and not just your kids? What do you want out of all of this? That is what is important right now. What do you want?

[eleanorrigby]

If he is suffering because he is in love with another woman, let him suffer.

If he is trying to fall back in love with you, let him try.

Let him work.

 

I spent a lot of time upset thinking that my husband was/is in love with his OW and sacrificing his happiness to stay with me and the kids.

I try not to get upset about it anymore because it's his stupid decision (if that is what he decided) to torment himself, pine, and carry a torch for someone else when he could leave.

 

If his gut aches and he cries in his sleep over a person he could have had, that's his problem. I'm going to sleep.

[longjourney]

If he is suffering because he is in love with another woman, let him suffer.

If he is trying to fall back in love with you, let him try.

Let him work.

 

I spent a lot of time upset thinking that my husband was/is in love with his OW and sacrificing his happiness to stay with me and the kids.

I try not to get upset about it anymore because it's his stupid decision (if that is what he decided) to torment himself, pine, and carry a torch for someone else when he could leave.

 

If his gut aches and he cries in his sleep over a person he could have had, that's his problem. I'm going to sleep.

 

But the problem is that he CANNOT have the OW now because she chose to stay with her BH. My WH had NO choice in the matter. It was either stay with me and "try" or leave his kids on a full time Dad Basis. That is what I struggle with the most, me "winning" him by default. And yes the OW , her BH AND my WH all back up that wonderful fact.as well. :-(

[Fluttershy]

Di you want to stay for the kids? Because since the burner phone incident I have believed your marriage is over. He made his choice clear. Your pain did not snap him out. It just drove him underground. I think you need to focus on you and yor kids and be polite to hin for their sake. Do activities, take up a hobby. Take charge of yir life.

 

I am a fan of second chances. If a slip up happens early on when the "fog" is still there I am okay with people giving a third. Or if it is hust a matter of the WS getting their sht together and making mistakes in the process (not mentioning something right away or losing patience... Reconnecting with the AP is on a different level) but, continual lying, cheating, blame shifting, "forgetting" (and i even understand some things eing forgot but other things? Umm no). In general not having any signs of true remorse over ruining the marriage (not just remorse over losing their cake). Well that person is out.

[sidney2718]

Di you want to stay for the kids? Because since the burner phone incident I have believed your marriage is over. He made his choice clear. Your pain did not snap him out. It just drove him underground. I think you need to focus on you and yor kids and be polite to hin for their sake. Do activities, take up a hobby. Take charge of yir life.

 

I am a fan of second chances. If a slip up happens early on when the "fog" is still there I am okay with people giving a third. Or if it is hust a matter of the WS getting their sht together and making mistakes in the process (not mentioning something right away or losing patience... Reconnecting with the AP is on a different level) but, continual lying, cheating, blame shifting, "forgetting" (and i even understand some things eing forgot but other things? Umm no). In general not having any signs of true remorse over ruining the marriage (not just remorse over losing their cake). Well that person is out.

 

I agree with this. But truthfulness seems to be an additional problem. I think you have to try to convince your WH that no matter how much the truth will hurt you it is best to get it out now because without it there can be no reconciliation.

 

In other words, he MAY lose you if he tells you the truth, but he WILL lose you if he doesn't. His choice. And tell him he's got to come clean now, not in October.

[jwi71]

I made it thru, spent my energies and thoughts on my children. We had a good day. WH did send me roses and a card, but not a big deal and a trigger because throughout his entire LTA he still sent me the same exact thing EVERY year, so doesn't really mean much to me. So yes am keeping my distance and trying to hold on to my sanity.

 

I don't know your story but triggers can be a bitch.

It takes YEARS (5-7 "they" say...and I am inclined to believe them) to get past them. Rest assured...no matter the outcome with your M...the triggers WILL go away. So, try to weather the storm now.

 

 

I went to my IC again on Wednesday, and was telling her all about the messages/texts I have been reading from during the LTA. She is kind of on the fence about me reading them, but she is also of the thought that I should realize what if anything I am dealing with if I even possibly am considering R. So she did not tell me to hide from the truth of his feelings and actions toward/for her, but to process them.

 

Stop reading them here and now...destroy them. If you have electronic copies, irretrievably delete them. Print outs...burn 'em. They.Will.Do.You.No.Good.

 

Look, its an A. And a LTA at that. Guess what...you imagine it...he said it. They ****ed liked rabbits - a virtuoso porn performance for the ages. Poetry not seen since Shakespeare. Feel better reading that? Of course not. Hence why you destroy the above. We can't change the past...nor forget it...but we can begin to stop RE-living it.

 

Wow...jw...you're just full of good cheer. But there is a point here. This A existed as a bubble...a world outside of you (for him anyway). And in this world...she reigned. But now the bubble is burst. And who exactly did he run back to. Yup...you. You are now thinking "hey moron, did you miss the part about him staying for the kids and not me". No...I didn't. And, painfully, I'm sure he meant it. THEN. Then as in past tense. Because, I'm sure you are aware...an A is the pinnacle of opiates. It's very much like someone with an addiction. They don't get better over night. They have relapses even (witness the 2nd phone). But in time...this fog (yeah, I went there) dissipates. The euphoric high of forbidden "love" wanes. Reality can be a bitch. Ask him.

 

This is NOT unusual. Seen it before...will see it again (referring to my reading this online). Happened to me as well. Been there, done that. Got the crappy t-shirt to boot.

 

In reality, it doesn't matter. I don't have any expectation that will mean anything to you. That doesn't make it any less true. Think, logically on it, what changed? Does knowing the intimate details of word or deed do anything positive? Furthermore...can you ever HOPE to know them all? Lets face it, they lie to minimize the pain YOU feel (and to further assuage their own guilt). You can never really trust it when they have all the reason to lie. Really, can't blame him for that - every human does it.

 

So...if you can...let it go. Its an unnecessary burden you carry. I also realize, you may not be able to now. Do what you can.

 

STUPID me, yet again confirmed this with the OW, her BH and my WH. All three agree that this conversation did indeed happen. The only problem I have now is how does someone process this? He could have given me 12 dozen roses yesterday and I still wouldn't have been able to process this email.

 

Process it by realizing that, while in this A, your H was replaced by some space alien. More to the point, your H acted like someone wooing a woman. And everything one does in courtship was said and done. In a bubble. A fog. Fantasy. Because there was, it seems, never intent to follow through. Your H even says so..."stay for the kids". Hey, look...a positive spin. Proof that the A was NOT REAL...an escape from the ordinary...no intent to leave. Can you begin to see behind the words? You read it as "OMG, he loved her hates me its all over". I see more proof that all said and done had no real basis in reality - he NEVER planned on leaving...aka foggy thinking. She didn't win. You didn't lose because those words and deeds have no place in reality. There was NEVER a "real" choice for him. He wasn't leaving (10 to one that's his thought process).

 

I'm NOT saying they didn't happen - they did. I'm saying the emotion you think he felt...existed in a bubble. One that is popped I might add.

 

 

He is here with me, he is trying to win me over, he is being honest, though I do know he does not offer any information, mostly he says he forgets and he also says he doesn't want to hurt me.

 

I believe him. If you can imagine...he said it, they did it. Changes nothing really (the details that is).

 

I do not let him see me cry and I am pulling the 180 on him

 

Stop that immature bullshyt game. 180 is crap. Be YOU. You can't win him back by being someone else (aka the 180). "Oh, see what you are missing"...hogwash. HE already KNOWS - your words, not mine (he is trying is what I refer to).

 

, but to hear the truth in their words, to know the feelings behind those eyes. Love cannot be forced, and honestly my gut tells me EVERY day that he loves her and I believe he is TRYING harder then I am to make our M real, but am I wrong to think a real love will just be?

 

Love takes WORK. And 180 is a game. Stop playing and start WORKING. And that means the mother-of-all-unfairness: trust him. Sucks don't it?

It means more talking, more IC and MC...it means more TRUST (sooner or later, you HAVE to). Its a process. A long one. Think years.

 

Everything you voice is known and felt by all here. We ALL know it.

 

Quick Q: do you want to be M to your H? Yes or No? What was your first thought. If so...destroy all the evidence, back to IC, back to MC (or start) and get busy building. If no... File for D and he can go be with her.

 

Honestly, that's the ONLY choice. I hope your M finds the resolution YOU want. Kids will be fine. You will be fine. Everyone will be fine. I speak from experience. I D my cheating xW, a few years back...now remarried with another daughter and a wonderful life. I don't even hate my xW...I have no real feelings for her now - no more triggers...no more drama...its just the past and events that happened.

 

Please don't dwell on the details. Please don't get hung up on his words and deeds. Focus on the here and now. On what you want. On what you can do. Don't trust your gut for now...its all confused and in knots.

 

So...what do you want...to be M or not?

[ZombieEye]

If you don't feel comfortable burning or shredding them, put them in a sealed envelope and give them to your IC to hold until you need them for court or for him or her to destroy them. That's what I did. Because each time I read them over it sent me reeling back to the beginning of finding out and any progress I made was practically deleted.

 

And I like have the security of knowing that they still exist but I dont' feel compelled to look at them anymore.

[thinkingofhim]

You know you don't have to forgive him and R. You can leave him with 0 women and see how that feels...

 

Seems to be what he deserves

[No Limit]

I hate it when the words "for the kids" are mentioned. Staying together and living a sham is not in the kids best interest, especially with a mother who's distracted by the actions of a stupid WH.

 

I believe it's time to take the reins. ALL of them, the OW, BH and your WH seem to be taking you for granted, but it doesn't have to be like that if only you finally make a step out of this.

[xAkulax]

Everyone's is giving your great advice here mine there is life after divorce you don't haft to stay if you don't trust his intentions for staying.

[Fluttershy]

I don't know your story but triggers can be a bitch.

It takes YEARS (5-7 "they" say...and I am inclined to believe them) to get past them. Rest assured...no matter the outcome with your M...the triggers WILL go away. So, try to weather the storm now.

 

 

 

 

Stop reading them here and now...destroy them. If you have electronic copies, irretrievably delete them. Print outs...burn 'em. They.Will.Do.You.No.Good.

 

Look, its an A. And a LTA at that. Guess what...you imagine it...he said it. They ****ed liked rabbits - a virtuoso porn performance for the ages. Poetry not seen since Shakespeare. Feel better reading that? Of course not. Hence why you destroy the above. We can't change the past...nor forget it...but we can begin to stop RE-living it.

 

Wow...jw...you're just full of good cheer. But there is a point here. This A existed as a bubble...a world outside of you (for him anyway). And in this world...she reigned. But now the bubble is burst. And who exactly did he run back to. Yup...you. You are now thinking "hey moron, did you miss the part about him staying for the kids and not me". No...I didn't. And, painfully, I'm sure he meant it. THEN. Then as in past tense. Because, I'm sure you are aware...an A is the pinnacle of opiates. It's very much like someone with an addiction. They don't get better over night. They have relapses even (witness the 2nd phone). But in time...this fog (yeah, I went there) dissipates. The euphoric high of forbidden "love" wanes. Reality can be a bitch. Ask him.

 

This is NOT unusual. Seen it before...will see it again (referring to my reading this online). Happened to me as well. Been there, done that. Got the crappy t-shirt to boot.

 

In reality, it doesn't matter. I don't have any expectation that will mean anything to you. That doesn't make it any less true. Think, logically on it, what changed? Does knowing the intimate details of word or deed do anything positive? Furthermore...can you ever HOPE to know them all? Lets face it, they lie to minimize the pain YOU feel (and to further assuage their own guilt). You can never really trust it when they have all the reason to lie. Really, can't blame him for that - every human does it.

 

So...if you can...let it go. Its an unnecessary burden you carry. I also realize, you may not be able to now. Do what you can.

 

 

 

Process it by realizing that, while in this A, your H was replaced by some space alien. More to the point, your H acted like someone wooing a woman. And everything one does in courtship was said and done. In a bubble. A fog. Fantasy. Because there was, it seems, never intent to follow through. Your H even says so..."stay for the kids". Hey, look...a positive spin. Proof that the A was NOT REAL...an escape from the ordinary...no intent to leave. Can you begin to see behind the words? You read it as "OMG, he loved her hates me its all over". I see more proof that all said and done had no real basis in reality - he NEVER planned on leaving...aka foggy thinking. She didn't win. You didn't lose because those words and deeds have no place in reality. There was NEVER a "real" choice for him. He wasn't leaving (10 to one that's his thought process).

 

I'm NOT saying they didn't happen - they did. I'm saying the emotion you think he felt...existed in a bubble. One that is popped I might add.

 

 

 

 

I believe him. If you can imagine...he said it, they did it. Changes nothing really (the details that is).

 

 

 

Stop that immature bullshyt game. 180 is crap. Be YOU. You can't win him back by being someone else (aka the 180). "Oh, see what you are missing"...hogwash. HE already KNOWS - your words, not mine (he is trying is what I refer to).

 

 

 

Love takes WORK. And 180 is a game. Stop playing and start WORKING. And that means the mother-of-all-unfairness: trust him. Sucks don't it?

It means more talking, more IC and MC...it means more TRUST (sooner or later, you HAVE to). Its a process. A long one. Think years.

 

Everything you voice is known and felt by all here. We ALL know it.

 

Quick Q: do you want to be M to your H? Yes or No? What was your first thought. If so...destroy all the evidence, back to IC, back to MC (or start) and get busy building. If no... File for D and he can go be with her.

 

Honestly, that's the ONLY choice. I hope your M finds the resolution YOU want. Kids will be fine. You will be fine. Everyone will be fine. I speak from experience. I D my cheating xW, a few years back...now remarried with another daughter and a wonderful life. I don't even hate my xW...I have no real feelings for her now - no more triggers...no more drama...its just the past and events that happened.

 

Please don't dwell on the details. Please don't get hung up on his words and deeds. Focus on the here and now. On what you want. On what you can do. Don't trust your gut for now...its all confused and in knots.

 

So...what do you want...to be M or not?

 

 

The 180 is not crap unless it is a GAME. Te purpose of the 180 is not suppose to be to keep the person. It is to become strong and independant without needing the offending partner. To be able to stand on your own. If the person makes changes in teir life and you are in a ealthy place were you can chose to stay or go out of what you want not fear then you can choose to recommit. People use t as a manipulation but f those are your expectations you will be disappointed because your bluffing and not really doin it. It is just a tactic then to keep the WS. What it should e is to make yorself a stronger individual. How far you carry it or how you carry it out can depend on who you are and the situation. I don't believe in hard or fast rules. The 180 can e an internal think or it can be a handing the divorce papers and kicking them out the door ASAP. Everyone does different.

 

What you came against and blathered on about it not a true 180 because that is still emotional investment dependant on a certain outcome.

[longjourney]

The 180 is not crap unless it is a GAME. Te purpose of the 180 is not suppose to be to keep the person. It is to become strong and independant without needing the offending partner. To be able to stand on your own. If the person makes changes in teir life and you are in a ealthy place were you can chose to stay or go out of what you want not fear then you can choose to recommit. People use t as a manipulation but f those are your expectations you will be disappointed because your bluffing and not really doin it. It is just a tactic then to keep the WS. What it should e is to make yorself a stronger individual. How far you carry it or how you carry it out can depend on who you are and the situation. I don't believe in hard or fast rules. The 180 can e an internal think or it can be a handing the divorce papers and kicking them out the door ASAP. Everyone does different.

 

What you came against and blathered on about it not a true 180 because that is still emotional investment dependant on a certain outcome.

 

 

Thank you for all the replies everyone. Let me see what I can answer:

 

 

My first instinct about staying M or D is to stay M...BUT I am still early out from DDay so forgive me, because I am getting stronger by the day and I am still trying to figure out WHO I would be staying M'd to. The man I THOUGHT I M'd is not who I thought he was. Yes my WH IS trying to "win" me back, but my BIGGEST problem is that he is trying due to the OW staying in her M. That is NOT something my WH EVER throws in my face, but it is STILL a fact, and that is a hurdle still before me.

 

 

As far as the messages/emails/texts I have from the OW from during their LTA, I will not just throw them away. I want to know what went on. I have read that every BS is different, some need to know, some don't. HOWEVER, I am also doing this for a reason. I will have something to gage my WH's honesty against. I have spoken to the OW's BH and asked him if he has read them all. He said no, not all of them since they are in R, but he understands that it IS different for him. His W CHOSE to stay with him and try to R their M, my WH never made that choice, it was made for him. I do believe my WH loves me, he has helped me in the past with my sicknesses, more then most H's would, but if you took me out of the equation and inserted the OW, he would have been there for her too. That is who he is. He is VERY good at taking care of people, I have always known that. He has been going to IC as well, and I have asked him about the OW. He has told me that he wanted to leave me for her and he was trying to find a way that he could be with his kids and her. That is the family he was looking to be with. He did not say that out of spite, that was the honest truth and where he was at. Do I believe it is easier for him to stay with me now because of her choice. YES. Can it get easier for him as time goes by? I'm sure it "could", but WHAT IF??? What if the OW changes her mind and leaves her H? I know that she will call him, and I DON'T know what my WH would do. If enough time goes by would he stay with our family? I honestly don't know.

 

 

Right now I am working on strengthening myself. I have to be okay with or without him and that I am learning, is a long journey.

[jwi71]

The 180 is not crap unless it is a GAME.

 

Of course its crap.

I have found proponents of it to sorely miss that...one is encouraged to "180" as a response to an A. Not before D-day. Or some random Tuesday. Oh, your spouse cheated...180. Um, why? The timing, and some of the very behaviors themselves are VERY suspicious.

 

Would yo recommend the 180 to a happy couple? Of course not. Because those behaviors are the antithesis of a healthy R.

 

Egro...a game. A form of mental/emotional gamesmanship to "get the upper hand". Almost a form of revenge. Which is just what any couple needs. Absolutely HORRIBLE advice. I went back and read on it's advice...so...you think gift giving is bad. Yikes. No frequent calls? No discussion of the future?

 

Really? This is GOOD?

 

smh.

 

Te purpose of the 180 is not suppose to be to keep the person. It is to become strong and independant without needing the offending partner. To be able to stand on your own.

I agree that the betrayed needs strength and support. But so does the WS. And the M in general - it's clearly in a state of crisis and trauma. I'm not sure one can recover the M, the frail bonds that now exist, by one shutting out the other. By this token, MC is verboten - which, imo, would ENCOURAGE most of what the 180 forbids.

 

So yeah, its crap.

 

If the person makes changes in teir life and you are in a ealthy place were you can chose to stay or go out of what you want not fear then you can choose to recommit. People use t as a manipulation but f those are your expectations you will be disappointed because your bluffing and not really doin it. It is just a tactic then to keep the WS.

Perhaps you misunderstood the point of the 180. The 180 is designed SPECIFICALLY to keep the WS. To turn the tables so to speak...so the WS now, realizing the one forsaken, comes crawling back. That's it in a nutshell. Read the damn thing...its nuts. Jut read all the unhealthy behavior it touts as GOOD. Holy crap...its awful advice. How can two people come together when one, per the 180, is not supposed to, basically, talk to the WS? Semaphore? Communication is bi-directional. Else its just a monologue.

 

What it should e is to make yorself a stronger individual. How far you carry it or how you carry it out can depend on who you are and the situation. I don't believe in hard or fast rules. The 180 can e an internal think or it can be a handing the divorce papers and kicking them out the door ASAP.

I agree...becoming a stronger individual is desirable. But not at the expense of the M. There are FAR better ways to work on oneself AND the M than the 180 - which I find HARMFUL to reconciliation.

 

 

What you came against and blathered on about it not a true 180 because that is still emotional investment dependant on a certain outcome.

 

Do tell. What is a TRUE 180?

How can anyone NOT be emotional vested in a certain desired outcome? Seems contradictory by definition.

[jwi71]

My first instinct about staying M or D is to stay M...BUT I am still early out from DDay so forgive me, because I am getting stronger by the day and I am still trying to figure out WHO I would be staying M'd to. The man I THOUGHT I M'd is not who I thought he was.

 

Actually, he is the same man. Again, I no you won't accept this for now. Maybe never. But I believe that your H now and the one then are the same.

And being early out from D-day...quite the emotional hurricane. Its a crappy roller coaster for sure.

 

Yes my WH IS trying to "win" me back, but my BIGGEST problem is that he is trying due to the OW staying in her M. That is NOT something my WH EVER throws in my face, but it is STILL a fact, and that is a hurdle still before me.

 

Wait...your H TOLD YOU this? Hw specifically said the only reason I stay is because <OW> won't leave? Because he has also said that he ONLY stays for the kids. He is just as lost and confused as you. All perfectly normal.

 

Try...TRY...to place little faith on the first year after D-day. It really doesn't mean much - because its a huge swirling mass of confusing, contradictory emotions based upon the logical reasoning of 9 year-olds. Point being, sanity is gone and won't be back anytime soon. Again, perfectly normal. Try your level best to weather it.

 

As far as the messages/emails/texts I have from the OW from during their LTA, I will not just throw them away. I want to know what went on. I have read that every BS is different, some need to know, some don't.

 

No worries. I was the same. Needed all the dates, times, money spent, words said, positions...all that jazz. Made PERFECT sense at the time to me. IT was something I needed. Now, with many years hindsight...it didn't matter. Just me trying to create order out of chaos in my own way. I can also see my want (not need) for all the details abutted against her need to forget...and caused additional hardship. Just MY view, MY experience.

 

The biggest thing is learning to communicate and to lay the foundations for trust. Focus your energy there, not on the past (or the details). Yeah, it sucks. Wish I had better news/words for you.

 

HOWEVER, I am also doing this for a reason. I will have something to gage my WH's honesty against.

 

Haha...did that TOO. Not a good idea. Because, frankly, he has every incentive to lie and each lie he tells sets YOU back. Sets recovery back. And, he has more lies to tell. I can only hope the lies are aimed at sparing you both. I would say that is likely the case. What I'm saying is his honesty, in respect to the A, will ALWAYS be suspect. But it doesn't mean the end.

 

I have spoken to the OW's BH and asked him if he has read them all. He said no, not all of them since they are in R, but he understands that it IS different for him. His W CHOSE to stay with him and try to R their M, my WH never made that choice, it was made for him

.

 

WRONG.

Dead freakin' wrong. Let me kill this thought process here and now.

Your H...can, at any time, file for D and tell you "eff off, I'm outta here" and serve you right there and then. Nothing is stopping HIM from filing for D.

He hasn't done that has he. I wonder why?

 

Answer: He doesn't WANT to.

 

I do believe my WH loves me, he has helped me in the past with my sicknesses, more then most H's would, but if you took me out of the equation and inserted the OW, he would have been there for her too. That is who he is. He is VERY good at taking care of people, I have always known that. He has been going to IC as well, and I have asked him about the OW. He has told me that he wanted to leave me for her and he was trying to find a way that he could be with his kids and her. That is the family he was looking to be with. He did not say that out of spite, that was the honest truth and where he was at.

 

Agreed. At that point in time...you were a troll and she walked on air and shat rainbows out her azz. It was a "competition" you had ZERO chance of winning. The BS is at a HUGE disadvantage - the OW is stolen moments of perfection. The BS is dirty diapers and trimming the bushes and really unflattering granny panties. What...missionary again. Sheesh.

 

Give HIM time. Let him process too. He, per your posts, is exhibiting some disjointed head up his azz thinking. You wouldn't mind the words of a staggeringly drunk idiot (or local politician)...same with the H now. Try, try as hard as it is to place little faith in them.

 

Do I believe it is easier for him to stay with me now because of her choice. YES.

 

I don't think so. Remember when he said he couldn't leave for the kids?

Very hard to reconcile "I cant leave for the kids" and "I would leave if she did"...mutually exclusive. Instead of seeing them as verbatim statements...see them as insights to a mind just a lost and hurt and scared and confused as your own.

 

Can it get easier for him as time goes by? I'm sure it "could", but WHAT IF???

What if the OW changes her mind and leaves her H? I know that she will call him, and I DON'T know what my WH would do. If enough time goes by would he stay with our family? I honestly don't know.

 

BTDT. What-ifs are a bitch. Even if one considers them outside the current context. Not helpful. Nothing anyone can do or say to get you to stop them. Its raw fear percolating to the forefront of your consciousness. Again, in time, they fade. Try and breathe. Focus. Let them come...and let them go just as easily.

 

Your H hasn't filed. In fact, he is working on himself in IC. Another positive. He has been open and forthcoming...that's a plus. He still lives at home...another plus. From the outside looking in...I see some good signs.

 

Right now I am working on strengthening myself. I have to be okay with or without him and that I am learning, is a long journey.

 

Agreed. And we all should be there - be in any R out of want...not need. And right now, as you know, he doesn't NEED to be in the M. He wants to be. That is your mantra. Hold on to it.

 

Find your inner strength in IC. Exercise. Crochet or whatever the hell helps you. Lean on friends and family. Be open and honest. No retreating. Finding YOUR strength CAN'T come at the expense of recovery - or it will. And you inadvertently end up D. Create new bonds and repair the broken ones. Find time for you...and for HIM. You cant heal the M alone...its done TOGETHER...in MC...I hope you are in...if not, start right freaking now. Allow all IC/MC to communicate.

 

Hang in there OP...

[cozycottagelg]

Answer me this.

 

OW's husband decides to divorce tomorrow. She calls up your husband. Is he telling her to maintain NC, or is he running back to her?

[longjourney]

Answer me this.

 

OW's husband decides to divorce tomorrow. She calls up your husband. Is he telling her to maintain NC, or is he running back to her?

 

 

CozyCottage,

 

 

That is just it. I believe in my gut that he would be with her. He loved her even BEFORE we were together. I have seen messages between them where he says he doesn't regret his M to me because it brought him our child, and he said he was thankful for that.

 

 

I believe he "thinks" he is working on our M, but that is because the biggest obstacle to us (the OW) is out of the picture, due to her choosing to R her M. If that temptation was brought back, I don't think he would be strong enough to stay away from her.