Survivor12 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Happy to help. As you may have guessed, I speak from experience. Yes, a trip would be wonderful for you--IF you make the conscious decision not to take "her" with you (figuratively speaking). Being somewhere that holds no memories of her will be liberating. That is not to say that she won't cross your mind but make a conscious effort to focus on the surroundings, cultural differences and people and remind yourself that your grief will be waiting when you get back home. I want to add that while it is very helpful to change things up a bit, it is wise to put off making any permanent or life-changing decisions or making new commitments of any kind until your brain has regained control over your emotions. Drastic changes have the potential of becoming regrettable. One of the best ways to make yourself happy is by doing for others. It may seem pointless, but I promise you, it works. Start small--open doors for people (not just women!), smile at people, thank a veteran. Regardless of whether or not they appreciate the gesture, feel good about yourself. If you already do these things without thinking, make a point of doing them deliberately and acknowledging that you can make a difference. Fill some of the lonely times by reaching out to others--not for a "shoulder" or an "ear" but to OFFER one. Call or visit your parents "just to say hello". Listen to people for clues about ways you can make someone's day brighter or easier. Volunteer. Helping others not only distracts you from your grief but also makes you feel good about yourself. Understand that with your current perspective, comparing your life, pain, or feelings to hers or assuming that you know what she is thinking or feeling is pointless--and likely inaccurate. When you begin obsessing, remind yourself that even IF you were to be right, it won't change the reality--so IT DOESN'T MATTER...Whether or not she's having the time of her life, is miserable, has a personality disorder, is immature or just plain cruel, the fact remains--it is OVER! Whether you choose to cry into your pillow or laugh at a joke, IT DOESN'T MATTER because it won't change the fact that she isn't there. Think of it this way: the path to moving on is in the other direction opposite of where she is--not past her--and the first step in getting there is to turn around and point yourself in the right direction. Then, when you have regained your balance, you will be ready to move forward toward your future one step at a time. Good luck.
Author anemptycup Posted March 16, 2014 Author Posted March 16, 2014 Thanks again for taking the time out to help. It's funny how hearing those words "It's over!" hurt so much... maybe it's worse since i am so competitive and a fighter... i hate losing... mostly i just miss her so much and am hurt by how cold she treated the break-up... (i know i know.. it doesn't matter - but i'm just venting here) i'm a very emotional and sensitive person - and she was my first long relationship.. i totally fell in love with her and saw myself being married and having a family with her - we talked about it a lot too - envisioned where we'd get married - anyway - i guess she just had enough - and as you said - now it's all over. it's like when you miss your exit on the GPS and it says "re-calculating route" my brain is trying to do that now and envision a new future - envision a new love... a new route... and it's hard - because i know the only things i have left of her are the images in my mind - the memories - and i know letting those things go are what will help me move forward - but, letting them go means letting go of my feelings for her... letting go of what we had... but as you said - i must be more logical - realize that SHE has already made the leap and let go of her feelings for me - and it's pointless for me to stay here... waiting.... it really sucks... i pray and send strength and peace to anyone else out there going through this.... if i could turn back the clocks - i would for sure just go NC from the day of the breakup - it didn't help me at all crying and begging like a little girl in front of her... it didn't help me finding out what she was up to - who she was dating... having said that though - maybe i needed some idea of where she's heading... cutting it off cold turkey is very unhuman... and maybe we're moving towards become like robots... but, we're not there yet! long live humans and our amazing hearts...
monsoon281 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I will tell you this, since she has moved on so quickly, it means she hasn't dealt with the BU unless she lost feelings for you a long time ago. If that is the case (her losing feelings a long time ago) then she is selfish for stringing you along while she healed (using you as a crutch). If she hasn't dealt with it, her day is coming when the flood gates will open. Anyone really think this is the case? A delayed morning stage for dumpers that act impulsively and try to move on quickly.
Author anemptycup Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 Anyone really think this is the case? A delayed morning stage for dumpers that act impulsively and try to move on quickly. i have no idea - everything i know about her (this specific case) is that she does care and she was heart broken - but we went through this so many times that she finally had enough.... to answer your question - do i think she's delaying the pain of the BU by moving on so quickly - i have no idea - everyone is different... i think it has a lot to do with how the break-up went down - i.e i begged and cried etc.. and it all ended for me badly - but, for her.. she was the rejector - she was strong, she had a date waiting for her... new job, new place to live.... she told me that she moved on and was "good" a week after our break-up... i dunno... is she 100% over me... at the end of the day - i think moving is less about TIME and more about what you do with your time - 1. accepting it's over and 2. not thinking about your ex - and she has been extremely active - and that has to help her keep her mind off me... and she's been seeing other guys - which might help re-inforce in her mind that it is over... one of my friends said i need to get out there and rebound a few times and i'll get over her - i wish i could.. but i'm just not like that...
Author anemptycup Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 it's been 6 weeks NC - broke up nearly 3 months ago - this was our 6th break-up - 2nd major break-up - but never have we been broken up this long - her birthday is on Saturday... i was planning to go NC for good... and i have been working on myself a lot - been seeing a therapist and doing a lot of things for myself... last night had a long conversation with someone - she had been in two very similar relationships to mine - insecure guys, fear of commitment etc.. they pushed her away and she eventually lost trust and walked away - she said, nothing they could do would change her mind unless they persisted, and persisted (not obsessively - but passionately - respectfully) and if they could really show her they were different people -she said, if they came to her - she would say "no", if they cam again - she'd say "no" again.. and so on - but eventually, if they kept on, she would consider listening. in my case - i know that my EX is totally open to talking and communicating - she made it clear ONLY as friends... but, since my conversation last night... it made me think... i really need to put myself as the priority - and get better - i have learned so much and have become aware of so many thing i never saw before - but putting them into practice is a nother thing.. so, i'm continuing with my therapy work.. but with her birthday just a few days away - i'm feeling.. maybe send her some flowers - without a letter - i know she'll know it was from me - and she might email to say thanks.. and maybe i can take the huge risk of trying to start over as friends... i know the risks are - that in her mind 100% she might be totally over it and won't ever consider getting back.. and i might just waste time and wind up creating more suffering for myself...... it's just right now - we've blocked each oethr's facebooks.. she has NO way of seeing anything i am doing - and vice versa... there's no way to see if either of us are changing.. and what we are doing... i know this sounds extremely lost and pointless... i just feel - maybe i can slowly re-build as friends... and maybe i can re-build trust over time... she has no friends - but she's constantly hanging out with strangers from Meetup.com - she is active extremely - she has been dating - she's slept with guys already... but i know moving forward - all that would have to be erased - i did things that hurt her.. and vice versa - we would need to restart as new people... and start all over... and i do feel like a new person - and i'm curious to meet her again as the person i am... feeling lost...
Itspointless Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 You say you want to be friends, and after that: 'i know the risks are - that in her mind 100% she might be totally over it and won't ever consider getting back.' And: 'i just feel - maybe i can slowly re-build as friends... and maybe i can re-build trust over time...'. Etc. Your arguments conflict. So if you put yourself as a priority the answer will be: no don't do it. It does not sound like you are up to being friends.
Author anemptycup Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 You say you want to be friends, and after that: 'i know the risks are - that in her mind 100% she might be totally over it and won't ever consider getting back.' And: 'i just feel - maybe i can slowly re-build as friends... and maybe i can re-build trust over time...'. Etc. Your arguments conflict. So if you put yourself as a priority the answer will be: no don't do it. It does not sound like you are up to being friends. conflicted is how i feel - i just don't know what to do - send her flowers - keep some kind of channel of communication available in case she wants to contact me - thing is.. she has always said, "you can email me as friends" she's said that several times - i just cut it off and never responded... thing is - how will she ever know i how much i have changed etc... and how will i ever be able to re-earn her trust, if i'm invisible to her - and she may well be withholding from contacting me out of respect for me - coz she knows it's what i need to move on... i know i sound conflicted - i am conflicted... she doesn't play silly NC games... she's assuming I am doing NC to move on... to be 100% honest - I am doing it partly to move on... but also partly to give her space... and yes, i won't lie.. there's 10% hope that giving her space and time... might help nurture even if it's 1% chance of talking again... i was insecure with her - i broke up with her several times... but i understand why i was the way i was.... i was insecure because i felt i was inadequate - she always needed to be around peopl e- out and about... and it made me feel i couldnt satisfy her... i never put two and two together ythat she's heavily extroverted - and needs to be around people to energize - knowing that.. i don't feel insecure... i know that she needs it to feel good... anyway - the list is longer than that.. but that's one of many realizations i've had... i dont know if i should send flowers for her birthday this saturday... or just forget all this and keep doing what i am... she'll be turning 30 - and i know she's been stressing over that - just wanted to give her some encouragement and also open a channel - in acse she wanted to communicate. uuuugh - hate this ****.
Survivor12 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 conflicted is how i feel - i just don't know what to do - send her flowers - keep some kind of channel of communication available in case she wants to contact me - thing is.. she has always said, "you can email me as friends" she's said that several times - i just cut it off and never responded... --Do not send flowers. She already knows that you want her back. --She said "as friends" ...She didn't say, "If you want to give our relationship another try" [/quote/]thing is - how will she ever know i how much i have changed etc... and how will i ever be able to re-earn her trust, if i'm invisible to her - and she may well be withholding from contacting me out of respect for me - coz she knows it's what i need to move on... --it's been 3 months since the BU, exactly how have you changed??? C'mon. Fundamental, sustained change takes time...and conscious effort. Sure, someone can "change" how they "act" in an instant, but it doesn't last and isn't inherent. --Your logic is skewed. You choose to believe that she is holding herself back out of respect although she knows that you want her back. So, think about it--if she's giving you space to deal with the breakup, it means that she knows that you are hurting from the BU. If she really loved you enough to want you back, why wouldn't she just tell you and put an end to your suffering? Why would she "give you what you need to move on?" i know i sound conflicted - i am conflicted... she doesn't play silly NC games... she's assuming I am doing NC to move on... to be 100% honest - I am doing it partly to move on... but also partly to give her space... and yes, i won't lie.. there's 10% hope that giving her space and time... might help nurture even if it's 1% chance of talking again... i was insecure with her - i broke up with her several times... but i understand why i was the way i was.... i was insecure because i felt i was inadequate - she always needed to be around peopl e- out and about... and it made me feel i couldnt satisfy her... i never put two and two together ythat she's heavily extroverted - and needs to be around people to energize - knowing that.. i don't feel insecure... i know that she needs it to feel good... --This paragraph proves that you haven't changed; nor has anything else. You are still insecure (sorry, but it's obvious) & she's still an extrovert. anyway - the list is longer than that.. but that's one of many realizations i've had... i dont know if i should send flowers for her birthday this saturday... or just forget all this and keep doing what i am... she'll be turning 30 - and i know she's been stressing over that - just wanted to give her some encouragement and also open a channel - in acse she wanted to communicate. uuuugh - hate this ****. --Again, do NOT send her flowers. She doesn't need "encouragement" to communicate. She's an extrovert, remember? She also knows that you want her and that if she wanted you, all she has to do is give you an opening and you'd come running. One more thing--it is very possible that at some point, she may reach out. If she does, BEWARE! When the chips are down, she's feeling lonely or her dating life is in a lull, it's not unusual to gravitate toward things--and people--for comfort. However, once she's feeling better, she will be gone again. Know this--if she wanted to be with you, she would be. Stop torturing yourself with "what ifs" and the belief that you can change how she feels. Stop trying to look for excuses and justifications for why she isn't with you. It's a waste of time and emotional energy and will get you nowhere. Instead, you will be much better off if you allow yourself to accept and grieve, because eventually you will recover.
Author anemptycup Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Thanks for taking time out to reply to me. I've been grieving - and despite my emotional outbursts on here - i have been moving on and moving forward - this board has been very useful place to vent and be heard - can't really talk to anyone else - my ex is not only an Extrovert, she has ADHD and has been through enough difficulties her whole life to have learned to be positive and move on - she's a true survivor and doesn't dwell on the past - i'm sure that she moved on long ago - and if she knew what i was going through, she'd probably laugh and/or be in shock... she's been dating and been getting on with her life. I know her very well - and i know that she wouldn't contact me for several reasons - 1)not to give me any kind of hope that she's interested 2) she's moved on and isn't thinking of me and/or doesn't want to think about me 3)she is self admitedly selfish and i know she'd love to talk and be friends - but i think she's trying to respect my need to do NC to get over her (as we have been through this before - i broke up with her in November and I told her i needed NC to move on and she broke it and we got back together - this was back in December) to answer your question on how i've changed - i have just realized things i never saw before - but, you're right putting those realizations into practice is a different matter - my insecurities stemmed from her always needing to be around crowds of people and being constantly active - i loved her energy, but i always felt i wasn't enough for her - now i know that she just needs to be around people - it's not that i'm not enough - and knowing that helps a lot - while we were together - i had constant financial stress - and family issues but above all teh financial stress was terrible - it made it impossible for me to enjoy spending time with her - because i had no time and no money to ever do anything - it sucks now, because so much has changed in my life since we broke up - i started getting money in finally - i no longer have financial stress as I have a steady stream of income.. i have so much time now... i don't regret this break-up - it has taught me SO Much - and i want to be back with her knowing all the things i know now... I understand the difference between true love (loving yourself first) and addictive love (where you need someone else to make you happy) Self love is the most important love - otherwise you'll never truly be able to love another... I started seeing a great therapist - Dr Friedman Schuab - who deals with where the roots of your issues stem from - he deals with teh sub conscious and why we think the way we do... everything is about our thoughts and beliefs... i know i haven't changed yet - but i am on that road to self healing and self love... I just know in her mind - the reason for why we split - is extremely incomplete - and i wish she knew what i know.. and she knew the true reasons why it wasn't working out - she stayed with me for 3 years - and i know she really wanted us to work.. as did i - anyway.. i'm rambling now don't want to make it difficult /impossible for her to contact me - but i guess you are right - if she really wants to.. she can... i just don't see her wanting to go backwards - her mom is sick of all the break-ups.. she is too.. her friends are.. all our families and friends are.. so, it's just... kinda embarrassing at this point from her perspective... finally i just wanted to say that... the week of our final break-up - i was knocked out in Sparring (i train MMA) and that entire week - hell that entire month, i was in a blurry daze - i broke up with her... and as thinks started to clear up - i realized what had happened... seriously - getting knocked out is no joke - but she didn't really understand how serious it was.. and i never fully expressed that as being a major reason for our split up... but it really did fuel everything more... on top of that... it was just a week before our final split - that i realized she had adult ADHD - i think she always knew it in the back of her mind - but maybe didnt take it seriously - or maybe avoided talking about it - but after 3 years... to be hit with that... we both bought the books - and i had started being proactive trying to do things to help - like start working on a schedule for our week (helps them be more organized) and i just felt i was doing more work than she was on this... a few days later she had planned to go on a planting seeds event - which she invited me to.. but i couldnt make coz it was too early - i was really upset that she was going anyway, and to top it off with one of her guy friends... i let my insecurities get the better of me.. but as i said.. it was a bad time for me anyway... having been knocked out.. and learning about her ADHD, and trying to help... i just got grumpy - and we wound up fighting and i broke up... the next day was my birthday - i apologized and begged - but she said no - and i am sure it's because she had some options ready (on our previous break-up she had met some people on OKcupid and i knew she was talking to one guy in particular) so, i think that helped her transition... anyway - i know non of this is useful now.. but it helps venting it all out... i wish i could tell her all the things i've learned about us.. about her, about me... there are things i've realized about her that i don't think she knows... when i met her.. she was in terrible health - out of shape... terrible skin, everything - she didnt know how to dress.. had no friends... had a very toxic lifestyle... i can't tell you what she looks like now after our split - i helped her with her diet - exercise.. she's absolutely gorgeous now and i always knew when she'd realize her inner potential, i would lose her... thoughts are very powerful.. and we manifest them into reality. I pray that anyone out there with problems read this and work on themselves to save their relationships. thanks if you have stuck through and read this far.
Author anemptycup Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 taking some tips from people here and will journal my daily feelings and thoughts. 42 days of NC - Over 2 months since our final Break-up. It's her birthday tomorrow - my friend on Skype kinda let it slip she has been posting birthday celebration pics on her FB - i told him i didn't want to know.. but too late... it set me back - i started thinking who she's been hanging out with on her birthday - started thinking of last year and what we did on her birthday... trying to stop those thoughts and move forward - it's very hard - i have found that it's easier to not have the thoughts in the first place - than to try to battle them once they begin... NC has helped me a lot - i would be way behind without it - i woke up this morning feeling the emptiness - Weekends and mornings are the most difficult... i think because i know she makes the most of her time and has fun Fridays and weekends - she's very active - plans trips all the time etc... so, my mind wonders... during the week think she's at work and i dont feel so bad... i have my first session with Dr Friedmann on Monday - he deals with Thoughts and The Subconscious - and helps you to understand why we think the way we do and how we can re-condition our thinking... looking forward to talking with him... I feel the negative hole in my chest.. but it's not as bad as it was a week ago - or a month ago... I was in a really bad place - i still feel like things are happening in Waves... and i'm very sensitive around people... so, trying to keep around positive things and positive people... going out on Hikes, been going to the gym - being outdoors helps A LOT... staying at home makes it worse... that's all for today.
Itspointless Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 don't want to make it difficult /impossible for her to contact me - but i guess you are right - if she really wants to.. she can... Yeah that's a hard one. I know that feeling, still. The times she reached out confused me even more than her silence (although my story had its own difficulties). But just as with you so knew that I did not want to lose her. Never heard her say I want you back with me. I do not know if she still has her feelings suppressed, is to proud or just does not care as she was happy alone too as she told me a few times. Like you say, go out and enjoy nature!
Author anemptycup Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 Today is her birthday - it's been 2 1/2 months since our break-up - 1 1/2 months of no contact. went out last night in my first real public/party setting... had to force myself to enjoy it - and i don't regret going - it's good to be seen alone and helps my identify as a single man re-emerge and i hope help me move from the WE to the ME. Went to be earlier than normal last night... had dreams about her all night... very disturbing dreams - i dreamt that she was in a village far away, and i ventured out to it - only to find, she was lonely, and had become the village Whore - she was sleeping with everyone... and she was pretty much known for being a slut... it broke my heart and breaks my heart writing it now... i guess part of my difficulties with the break-up are feeling like i failed her and abandoned her.. and also knowing that she's very likely slept with several guys already in the last 2 1/2 months, it seals the deal that there is NO going back for me... and it's just hard accepting that it ended in such a horrible and ugly way... with so much unsaid, so much un resolved... going from someone i was talking about our ideal wedding and home and children with... to completely cold, vacant... someone sleeping around with people just to move on... i decided to sleep in today... didn't get up until 11:30ish... felt like crap... depressed... but, feel better now... it's weird, but being in good shape (thank god) from all my training makes me feel better - looking in the mirror... seeing someone healthy... it's been one of the few things helping me keep motivated... i have my first session with Dri Friedemann on Monday - he's great - it's a Skype session... 2 1/2 hours - and i'm looking forward to working with him - i've been meditating everyday for the last 3 weeks - that's helped as well - and NC has been very helpful too - of course i still secretly wish she's email me... and my fantasy is that she'll say that she realizes her faults and has been working on them too, that she misses me and wants to be with me... but i know having those thoughts when what is more than likely she isn't even THINKING of me... will only hurt me and waste my time... so, i must try to move on and each day continue to abandon more hope.. after my session on Monday i will be planning a trip to Thailand - and hopefully that will help me a lot more... being away from everything... not sure if being sociable and going out and partying last night helped me - i don't know how it helps certain people.. but i don't feel i'm one of them.. maybe i'm just not doing it enough... i did re-connect with myself for teh first time in years... the old confident, single person i was before i met my ex emerged more... COnfident, outgoing, positive, funny, friendly, talkative person... but i can't tell if it's an act - or if it's really who i am... when all ir eally wanted to do was run to her, and hold her in my arms and tell her why we are meant to be... and apologize for being such a fool. UUUGH.
Author anemptycup Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 broke no contact. it's been exactly 6 weeks of NC - and 2 1/2 months since our break-up we had several major break-ups in the 3 years we knew each other. it was her birthday yesterday - a few days ago i had thought about sending her flowers or something... after talking to several of my my friends (3 of them girls) who said i should - i decided against the idea... and i was pretty mind set on doing nothing and not contacting her at all... last night as i sit down at the end of the night - i see a message on my computer - it's one of the girl's who was giving me advice - she asked if i sent anything - i said no, and that i decided against it - and she started really pushing me and saying that i should at least send her a happy birthday text... etc etc.. i got very confused and didn't know what to do - i tried contacting a bunch of friends - some guys some girls - again all the girls said go ahead and keep it simple and send her "happy birthday" and don't have ANY expectations - just do it out of kindness and love as they felt it would make her happy on her day (30th birthday which i know she was stressing about)... so, at 10:30 pm i sent here this: "hey J Happy 10th anniversary of your twenties Hope you have a great one! M:) and she replied an hour later with "Hey you, thank you! It has been hard because of the reminder to get things done. Time is ticking." i was going to leave it at that - all my friends were asleep - except for one who said i should write back something short and leave it at that - i wish i hadn't replied.. but it's fine - i just sent her this: "you'll do great - the world is yours for the taking go get it and good luck!" at around 1am and it's 10:37am on Sunday (next day) and i haven't heard anything back - i'm sure she will write something - she's very sweet and loves attention. I'm going to stop replying and if she does reply - quickly try to wind the conversation down. I know she's just being friendly and nothing more... she needs to get on with her life asap too. I'm not expecting anything - and am moving on - will be booking my tickets to Thailand soon. Had the craziest dreams last night... just wanted to keep anyone who has been following my story posted.
Author anemptycup Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 Just an update since Breaking NC: I've been trying to keep my heart open but also not let my hopes rise up.. it's a hard thing to do - but trying to focus on myself and healing... This is why breaking NC is not a good idea - because you can say or hear something that will hurt - but so far we've been keeping it brief. I am torn between investing any hope in her possibly considering re-kindling something and risk being hurt again if that's not even on her radar - and just ending this with something brief like a "thanks, you too and take care" Her most recent email to me as at the top (i have not replied yet): Awesome! Well I would love for us to continue touching bases every now and again since it's still hard for me, which I'm sure it is for you too. So don't worry when I say that...I'm not expecting we chat everyday But as always, I'm here for you if you need an ear or anything else even if u r in Thailand or anywhere else in the world. Follow your heart and your dreams to reach your soul's calling everyday. Take care khoshdeep! my previous message: at least a month, but open to staying longer - there's a lot i want to do and see over there - so, we'll see! she said: So how long r u staying in Thailand? i said: i'm glad:) good luck khoskeleh - can't wait to hear your success stories. go get 'em! she said: Thanks khoshdeep for the motivation Thanks for writing to me. It was good hearing from you, especially on my bday i said: thanks khoskeleh, you too go make those dreams real!! she said: Wow, awesome! JEALOUS, but so excited for you. Have fun!!! i said: i'm alright a lot been going on - heading to Thailand soon! so excited for that. will keep an eye out for that doc she said: Thanks How have u been?
Author anemptycup Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 can feel the emptiness returning again slowly... bracing myself and ready to keep my thoughts positive.. ready to look forward... ready to do all the things i know will help me through this...
mutualove Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Start nc over everyone makes that mistake at some point but the sooner you vanish from her life the sooner you'll start feeling better.Just know unfortunately it's not a short ride. And learn your lesson by never taking RS advice from women (no offence ladies!) 1
Author anemptycup Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 Start nc over everyone makes that mistake at some point but the sooner you vanish from her life the sooner you'll start feeling better.Just know unfortunately it's not a short ride. And learn your lesson by never taking RS advice from women (no offence ladies!) will do. thnks
Author anemptycup Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 starting to get used to dreaming of her all night... not getting as depressed waking up knowing it's over... i wake up and try to think of positive things... and get out of bed - i feel more drive to get on with my work than i did a month ago... giving up hope has been the hardest thing so far - i just can't do it - i love her - and i know she loves me - our problems were not based on our love - we were just incompatible and incapable of communicating... but our passion and love was always strong from day 1... i miss her so much and would give anything to hold her in my arms... but, i know thoughts like that won't help me in anyway - they won't help me move forward... they won't bring her back... when we last exchanged emails - i get the sense she wanted me to say i was finding it hard too... she seemed down and even said it's still been hard for her... but i responded more detached and colder... maybe trying to get her back for how she left me 3 months ago when i was begging and she was cold as ice... i tried to be loving and kind, yet keep my boundaries... because i just can't risk opening up to her, like i did before... i feel like, she ought to know where i am, that i would totally be ready to talk about being together... i sometimes doubt if she knows that - since our last exchange of emails, i was being strong and behaving like i was over it - and she was acting more wounded... all i know is - it's starting to get hard again... and i just can't stop wondering that... IF she was interested in getting back together... would she find a way to bring that up? or would she expect me to come after her... i also can't help thinking that she might think i have moved on... and that i am not interested... she's a very strong independent woman... so for her to reveal to me that it's still hard for her.. and that she wants to be in touch... i can't tell what her agenda is behind that - like... is she trying to get into a conversation about how much we miss each other so that we can keep talking and get closer... or, is she just trying to find out if i'm still there waiting for her... in case she needs me as a back up.. man.. i know these are thoughts i shouldn't be wasting my time with... and i am spending MUCH less time and energy on thesse thoughts - but, they remain UNRESOLVED in the back of my mind... each day.
BC1980 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Until you go NC and don't look back, you will be in a holding pattern and unable to move forward. You can't stay in contact with her and move forward. It doesn't work like that. 1
Author anemptycup Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 Until you go NC and don't look back, you will be in a holding pattern and unable to move forward. You can't stay in contact with her and move forward. It doesn't work like that. i know. it's like a drug addiction - except with this addiction not only must we cut out the contact - but also the hope.. and the thoughts as they can also keep the addiction alive. i have no choice but to go NC. Gotta let go of hope as well.. that's my biggest problem. Once i abandon hope - i can start taking the next steps.
mutualove Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Hope is not a switch you can turn off over night.Give it time baje? 1
Author anemptycup Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 Dreamt about her all night again - but the emptiness in the mornings is not as intense as it was - i guess i'm getting used to it now - it's been nearly 3 months since our break. I can't stop thinking about whether if i should be taking some action or not... here are my reasons: when we broke up in November - looking back - i realize she did a lot of things to "get" me back - she showed one day at the supermarket i get my smoothie from dressed super gorgeous - she'd lost weight - she looked incredible and was on the way to a job interview - so she had her high heels on - we were in touch ever day during that break-up (in december - a month before our final break up) - until i realized she started dating - then i did NC and 3 days later she emailed me saying "PLEASE READ IMPORTANT" and she was asking if i had her grand mother's album - i replied with "pretty sure i don't" and she then sparked a conversation off which i was pretty short answered to. 2 days later was Christmas - and she emailed saying she had gifts for me and my mom and that she would leave it at the door for us (she lives an hour away) i asked if she had any plans - she said no, her mom was out of the country - it was christmas and she was lonely (probably why she was all over me) my mom convinced me we should invite her over - cut a long story short - we got back together a few days later... and i learned that she has ADHD... we bought the books.. started reading - things were great again.. i then got knocked out at the gym... and despite that was making an effort trying to do things she needed for her ADHD - she seemed like she didnt really care about my knock out - anyway... we broke up a week later... why i'm confused about whether i should take or not is - i know how her mind works... in December - when she wanted me back - she did all the right things - kept in touch, showed me that she had changed (lost a lot of weight, was making efforts with certain things - and i really did sense a major change when we started seeing each other) but with our last break up - i went strict NC - blocked twittter, facebook.. you name it... i dont have a cell phone.. the only way we can communicate is by email - and i just feel her mentallity with NC is she feels it's a sign that i'm over her and not interested... and i know NC should not be used to try to "get" people back... but it's hard to move on when i do want her back... and i just feel the block of communication doesn't work with her - as she probably wants to see if I have made changes - and there's no way for her to know... she probably wants to know how seriously i have been taking all this - and there's no way to know... it's just total darkness - after 3 years - sure i think eventually it will be an affective way to get over her - although never 100% - there's always be that deep scar somewhere in there... but i think if anyone is hoping to use it as a means to get through to an ex - i think it's a very risky game to play - which will most likely not yeild the resulst folks might be hoping for... i think it protects the dumpee more than anything from furthur pain... but in my case - i just don't know if i am the dumpee or not - i mean.. i broke up with her - and the next day wanted to go back and she refused... probably because she had some other guys ready... but i think they didnt work out... and now she not in a good place.. as she said in her last email to me "still hard for her" maybe it's the Hope messing with me... but i don't want to mess this up... i don't meet people easily... i'm super picky - she's the first person i ever felt i could be so intimate and close with for such a long time (3 years)... it took me so long to meet someone who could make me laugh - who i enjoyed sharing my time with so much - and who i learned so much from being with.. and vice versa... i just don't think she will make any moves - because it will put her in a position of weakness i don't think she's willing to do after all we've been through... feel like i need an expert to go through all the details with to give me some real guidance
KaliLove Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Yes, the right time to try to get back together with someone is absolutely when they're 'not in a good place'. That'll be a relationship that lasts... All I see in that post is justification. But you've clearly got your mind made up. So what are you waiting for? If you feel like you need professional help then why aren't you in therapy? And for the record, it's not easy for ANYONE to meet someone.
Author anemptycup Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 Yes, the right time to try to get back together with someone is absolutely when they're 'not in a good place'. That'll be a relationship that lasts... All I see in that post is justification. But you've clearly got your mind made up. So what are you waiting for? If you feel like you need professional help then why aren't you in therapy? And for the record, it's not easy for ANYONE to meet someone. i am in therapy - been seeing someone for over a month now... when i said professional help - i meant - advice with my situation... someone to help guide me based on all the information and everything that has happened to help tell me if there is any hope - or if i should forget it - most people don't have all the info (my friends included) and are quick to just say, move on and let it go... just feel quiet understandably don't give a ****
KaliLove Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 i am in therapy - been seeing someone for over a month now... when i said professional help - i meant - advice with my situation... someone to help guide me based on all the information and everything that has happened to help tell me if there is any hope - or if i should forget it - most people don't have all the info (my friends included) and are quick to just say, move on and let it go... just feel quiet understandably don't give a **** So basically you want someone to tell you what you want to hear... Sorry bud..life doesn't work like that. If EVERYONE in your life, strangers on the internet AND the people who know you intimately are all telling you to move on..you should probably move on. That's my professional opinion. 1
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