Girlfriend left me after almost 8 years

[Logicpro]

Hi,

 

This is my first time here, and I have been looking for some advice or help in what have recently happened. This is my story and maybe someone has been in the same situation and can offer some advice.

 

I was with my girlfriend for almost 8 years, we got engaged to be married as well (3 years ago). We met when we were both at out parents houses and I was over seeing her that much she asked me to move in with her, we wanted to be together all the time so it made sense and we didn't have the cash for our own place just yet. So I lived there with her mum,sister etc for 4 years nearly, it was sometimes hard work but we all got on well. After sometimes we decided to get our own place, our first flat!, everything was exciting and new, we loved it, our own place all to ourselves, life count be better.

 

When buying the property she didn't want her name on anything, so it was me that done all the dealings with bank etc, I was good at that sort of stuff so it didn't concern me at all. We split everything down the middle, 50/50, bills, furnishings etc etc. Life was great, we both had great jobs, loved each other dearly, she had her friends over, family over, we got cats, had family Christmas's together in our place all the time, it was the hub of everyones activities, never a dull day! which was great, she and I finally had the starts of a family with our cats, home etc, then something happened.....

 

I started being really controlling over the flat, she had parties sometimes with her friend till 3/4am sometimes later, she is only 28 so this was pretty normal now and again, but it started being more that just now and again, I didn't want to get involved with girl nights and all that, so I worked on my computer in the spare room when this was going on then headed to bed after it while the girls and some gay friends had a good time, I did say hello, have a small drink then head to bed most times, they were noisy, smoking, etc etc, and I was a bit angry with them for this, and blamed her for it all, every time it happened I would blame her and shout at her asking for her to keep it down, this went on for about a year, she would say sorry sorry I will keep it down, but I really shouldn't have been putting her in that position at all, it was her home to, she would sometimes cry because of my controlling angry behaviour. I started checking out her online accounts to find out where she was sometimes at 4am when she was out, calling, texting her asking when she will be home etc, I brought this all on myself really!, I used to shout at her if the cats would wake us up at 3am saying please keep them quiet or we would have to get rid of them etc etc, I wouldn't really raise my voice when I say shouting, it was like moaning really.

 

 

Anyway I could go on and on with the times this would happen, we loved each other dearly. Other couples would say they wished their relationships were more like ours sometimes and people said we were meant to be, even her family and close friends, but they knew I was a bit grumpy sometimes and a bit weird with my anger issues. She brushed it off for the time it was going on and thought it was just normal until she started a counselling course at university.

 

Something changed her, she would say to me, this cant go on, and I would say I'll change and not be like that again. But it always came back after time.

 

So on December 17th at 2am 2013 she returned home after being on a night out and wanted to talk to me, I had been calling her up and texting her asking if she was having a good time, offered to come pick them up at the bar etc, and she would say on the phone why I was acting all nice and offering all this and why couldn't I have been like this before.

 

So she returned home, I got up and talked to her, and she finished things with me there and then saying she had had enough of it and she couldn't go on anymore. Of course I said I will changed, get help for my issues with a counsellor etc and she accepted that and gave me 3 months to changed or she would be gone for good. We cried and argued, made up, and calmed down but she was clear that it was over just now until I changed.

 

She continued to live at home with me for 2 weeks, I got help from friends and a counsellor about my issues and worked hard on myself to stop it all, after just over 2 weeks she said she was moving out to her mums house for now until I change and fix myself. I was in bits crying and begging, lost in emotions, she took some of her things, clothes, shoes, perfumes etc etc, but left a great chunk of it here, and left her cats with me here to, and she loves these cats!...I even helped her pack some things and helped her move it to her mums, I dont know fi this was right or wrong, we we always done things as a team and boxes of clothes were heavy. She thanked me and I left her at her mums that night.

 

She would then call or text asking about the cats, making sure they were ok if I was ok etc, I wasn't ok, I was going out of my mind, crying, alone etc etc, I met up with her a few times to take her places in the car, she went on this party binge over the festive period, drink most days, drinking the day after, parties etc etc, it was silly season for her I know, but it wasn't her thing doing this. Her family we unhappy to hear out of breakup, but they stood by her saying if it made her happy and is what she wanted there is nothing they can do apart from stand by her decision.

 

As the weeks went on, out contact got more laid-back, sometimes not contacting me days, I was a bit bitter sometimes with her saying 'why didn't have to leave me, we could have worked on this' etc etc, saying she is most likely seeing someone else and that she was evil, and twisted and there was something wrong with her mentally and all these bad things, everything I could have done to push her away even more I done..... She finally said I was a nasty piece of work and asked me to never contact her again and the sooner I was out her life the better.

 

After a few days had gone by we calmed down and spoke again, she said she never wanted to loose contact with me ever! and loved me very much but was no longer in love with me. I accepted this as I had no other choice, either talk with her on her terms of risk losing her forever and be remembered as a bad guy who only had nasty stuff to say. We met for lunch to talk, it was nice and chilled, she said I looked great and after lunch mentioned once she got her own place, we could 'get back on track' with us.... a false promise? was she confused here to say that....

 

Later that week she called for me to come see her at her mums, I went over, we spoke about stuff, she said she missed me and the cats and our home and wanted to come back, we had 3 normals days together until she decided she couldn't do it, I was nothing but nice when she came back, kissed and talked, everything was back to normal but she moved out again for no reason.... weird.

 

We then fell out again over some txts and she said I would never change, and to stop being controlling and stop contacting her, she blocked me from facebook, wouldn't return my calls or txts for days, I knew she was going out etc, I seen her out and friends said they seen her out with other guys in bars etc, I asked her about this and she said it was only friends she was with etc..... Then she pulled away form me even more for being like this and checking up on her. All above was from January 2014 up last week.

 

Fast forward to today and all her stuff is still here, its now nearly the end of February 2014!, her cats are here still to, she still at her mums, and hates it. We are on normal talking terms over txt and phone, she wont come down here anymore however as she said its to hard to see me upset.

 

I chatted with her about us on Monday past, and she made it clear that she 'doesn't want to be with me', that was exact words, no second chances or anything, after nearly 8 years?!?!?!?!. Some of her friends who found out their men were cheating on them worked things out better that we have.....

 

So I was very nice to her on txt, and said everything is safe here, all her stuff, her cats to until she has somewhere to go, she said thanks and I offered her her house keys back and she said she would like that, I offered incase she wants to come home, dont want her to feel shes locked out kind of thing. she thanked me for being so nice and understanding, am I being to nice? her day said she should get nothing, she made her bed and now needs lie in it since she walked away form it all.

 

She mentioned she was going to rent somewhere and would be down to collect all her things in the next week or so, then she spoke with her dad (who calls me most days to talk about this, saying I was the best thing to ever happen to her, and she really listens to him) but it was her dad that put her off the idea or renting as it would be way to expensive and suggested she try and buy somewhere as its a better thing to do for the future. Of course i am left with this property, paying it all myself etc, its tough sometimes, I may need to sell it soon its becoming that hard.

 

Now she does not know what to do and wants to talk about what we will do, does she mean what to do with us or what to do with her getting a place and this place getting sold etc, its as if she in limbo, she cant get credit for a mortgage, she cant rent somewhere as its expensive, cant stay at her mums all the time, its like shes stuck sort of...... She left a future behind and home and good man who loves her and has a great job and prospects in life, we were going to move to a bigger place and start a family once she had finished her university etc, she walked away from it all over night nearly. She now wont give me a second chance and said by being away from me she is the happiest shes ever been.....

 

I have done no contact with her twice, last 3 days then she called me, I refused to contact her as I was reading that was the best thing to do...

 

Yesterday (Valentines day 2014) I woke up and wished her a happy valentines day and she was texting me all day asking how my family was etc we had a laugh on text, asked her if we could go out during the day for a catch up, she said thats not a good idea at all, asked her what she was doing at night time if she had plans, she said she didnt (so no date) or so she says anyway..... Then she was sending love to all my family etc but I could still feel some coldness in her chat.

 

Today I texted her and nothing.................. I know shes out today with one of her friends.

 

Whats best to do here? I have thought long and hard about if I really want her again, and I do, I do love her and want to fight to be with her, but it that wise, should I just stop it all, and move on. Should I go into no contact again? scared she will really just end things forever if I do and i'll be stuck in friends mode for life with her, maybe being friends is what we need to kick start us again. I do have a feeling there is someone else, but her friends and my friends say there most likely isn't! and people cant turn off feeling or love just like that after neatly 8 years. Why is she being so cold with me.... Have i ruined any hope now??

 

Any advice would be great guys! thank you for listening to my story, and sorry if its a bit long! (I have tried to shorten it a bit)

[funnywoman]

Though at times you may have felt like you were a controlling ass, in my opinion, you weren't. You reacted as anyone would. You were basically a normal couple, living together, sharing life, then she changed and turned into a party girl, doing whatever she wanted til all hours of the night. I think you have a right to be angry, that is not how people in relationships act. You possibly did go overboard on the texting, and calling, trying to figure out what was going on while she was out. That is totally normal. It wouldn't be normal if she went out with her friends once a week or so if you bombarded her with calls while she was gone. But your reactions to her behavior is normal. Her behavior isn't.

 

You laid most of the fault on yourself. Don't you see??? You are not the one at fault, you are not the one that needs to change. You want a normal relationship, and normal relationships don't involve being out with others til all hours of the morning. That is how you act if you are single.

 

I could go on and on. I'm sorry you are in this situation. From my objective point of view, you want a steady, secure relationship, and she has decided she is not ready for that. Let her go. You don't need this in your life, it is turning you into a man you are not, one who feels too much anger.

 

Btw...you didn't ruin this relationship, she did.

[Annie767]

I agree with the above. I was in a similar situation , my man of 4 years acted deplorably in the last 2 month of the relationship but I was being needy by asking that he'd spend 1 night a week with me.

 

It not all on yourself . I'd personally get rid of the things in your flat, you're being held back from your healing process in my opinion.

Hope all goes well

[funnywoman]

Annie767 is right! You need to give her her stuff, move on with your life, and if in the future she starts acting as though she wants to get back together, don't do it unless you know that she has changed her ways. You don't need to change yours! Stop blaming yourself for getting angry, anyone would in this situation. I feel for you, I really do, but I hope you can turn your back on her and find something meaningful with someone else that wants something meaningful. Don't give her the option of coming back anymore. That's not the kind of relationship you want, one where she can come and go as she pleases, your house (and it IS your house) one day, back to the parents the next! She chose to mess up and then leave a good life with you!

 

I know you are hurting right now, and I'm really sorry for that. I hope you can look at this objectively, maybe try to envision this sort of thing going on with one of your guy friends. Imagine a friend of yours in a great relationship and suddenly the girl starts acting this way, after your friend has invested years, money, and thought he would be with her forever? What would you say to him? You know what you would say. You would say to him ' man, you deserve better!" And so do you.

[iPhone]

I'm gonna tell you like it is.

 

It's gonna hurt.

 

When a woman breaks up with you, I'd wager a good 95% of the time it's for another guy. This situation falls in the 95%. Sorry, mate.

 

I feel your pain though -- my ex fiance broke up with me 2 weeks ago for a guy we met mutually about 5 weeks back lol.

 

It's hard as hell every single morning, mostly because of the dreams, but as the day goes on sanity kicks in and you realize those types are trash and you're better off.

[carl777]

I'm gonna tell you like it is.

 

It's gonna hurt.

 

When a woman breaks up with you, I'd wager a good 95% of the time it's for another guy. This situation falls in the 95%. Sorry, mate.

 

I feel your pain though -- my ex fiance broke up with me 2 weeks ago for a guy we met mutually about 5 weeks back lol.

 

It's hard as hell every single morning, mostly because of the dreams, but as the day goes on sanity kicks in and you realize those types are trash and you're better off.

 

Sad but true. My ex dumped me for another guy twice ('cause I was dumb enough to take her back after the 1st time).

[Annie767]

Exactly , you haven't ruined the hope she has.

 

This woman clearly doesn't know what she wants and she's cruel to text you and act concerned, then not even bother to reply. She's throwing you crumbs and you're falling for it.....and taking hope from it.....I've had it myself.

 

these people can't work themselves out never mind whether they want.

 

she broke up with you, you need to take that as final to move on with your life. She said there was no hope of reconciliation. Take them words and believe them, grieve your loss. This is the only way. If she wanted to work things out like an adult she'd of made the effort but she hasn't. I've been there and it sucks I know but could you trust she wouldn't do this again?

 

You can't put your life on hold because it suits her. You are her fallback and she knows it.

 

Personally I'd get the message to her that she needs to collect her things or you'll get rid of it yourself. They soon come running trust me. Go through with it. Either way it needs to be out of your sight.

[Logicpro]

Well guys, thank you very much for getting back to me on this, its amazing there is somewhere to talk to people who know what I am going through, I don't really have anyone to talk to about like I do here, sure I have family and friends but I can't go into great detail with my friends, I have done with some of the girls I know and they find it weird whats happened and hope we get back together as 'we are meant to be' in their words as she knows them all so I kind of regret talking about it all to them as I know someway or another it will get back to her, and things get snowballed and twisted to her etc. But hey I had to vent it to someone.

 

funny woman your right in what you say, no normal girl would do this in she is in a relationship, this is a single girls lifestyle, fair enough sometimes is ok, but not till 6am or ever the following night, she did have a normal going out lifestyle with me but always wanted to party after clubs. I would only drop her a text to see how it was going and if she needed a lift home etc and that was it when she was out with her friends, so didn't bombard her with txts or calls or anything. I may have had some trust issues when she was going out for 24hours at a time and waking up on a Sunday with her not at home and wondering where she is..... but really that is normal right!?.This had happened a good few times over the years. I am really not a man (only 32) who wants to be angry at someone or not trust them, but she is what she is, and its really up to her to make her mind up if its time to think about the future with me or continue her party lifestyle, which is effecting her health now and has before. She had been warned not to drink heavily from the hospital years ago, but she obviously didn't listen. I learned that she has calmed down after this festive season now and is spending time with her sister and mum these days, and learned she not has a kidney infection to, maybe her own fault to be honest. I do blame myself your right, and I shouldn't!, I think she broke up with me and gave me a story to cover whey she really broke up with me, possible for someone else i suspect now. I have asked her about this but of course I got the 'There is no one else' and 'I was 100% faithful to you all the time we were together' but something might have caught her eye, something better, but thats her decision to make really. I don't want to be some old couple living the married lifestyle, we are young and those married days will come but just not yet and we still have some living to do before that, she didm mention kids and getting married before and wanted to do it within the next 2 years, so maybe she is scared about all of this and went on a grass is greener on the other side bender until she finds out its not really any greener at all and only gets greener if you work at it with someone you love and live with. You second post mentions I deserve better, and your right, I do really, but she wasn't always like this really, it was a slow decline into it, but I do deserve someone better your right, if she wants me she can change her ways and then we can talk. I am prepared to do that, I do still care and love her, she knows that which is most likely the way she wants it.

 

Right after the break up I did go over the top with begging your right, I can see that and wish i didn't do it, saying I will change and things can be ok again, until she say this had to stop, then it did. I didn't beg again. I got a bit drunk one night and said lets work stuff out, but no answer. I stopped this now anyway, I am nice when she calls or texts not talk or getting back toothier or anything, I am nice as pie to her and straight to the point.

 

We have spoken about her stuff thats still at home, there is a lot of it, some of it could well be moved to her mums place easily, but she won't move it, she can't get a rented place, now is trying to buy somewhere, she has really bad credit history so I can't see that happening anytime soon, so I can only see this being a long drawn out process of taking her stuff and her cats, I really don't mind keeping it here, I said that to her when I changed the locks on the door (god knows who had keys for this house, there were 4 sets of keys I think, I have 1 set so I changed them plus it was her dads idea for me to change the locks...), she says she will move it within a week, then it was I will get it all tomorrow, then some other story and more stories, yesterday I get a txt saying we should talk about what to do and she has no plans in place on where to put it with kisses on her txt...... I really want to be the bigger person here like I have been though out this process, I will keep it for her until she is ready to take it or to talk seriously with me about what we do next. I did say to her, if there is someone else or if your dating, I can't be keeping your stuff while your away living the single life, baby sitting your animals and basically living the home life while she's away playing single with other men, I am not a storage facility. She said i have now made it harder for her by locking her out of her home, I said she left and i had no choice but to change the locks, I could come home one day to find everything gone, she might give keys to her new man if there is one and he could come in, god knows what could happen, I may be going over the top on this but its my house and i need to live here, I don't have anywhere i can run to like she does, she's the one who ran away right!.

 

 

iPhone, I sort of agree with you, I may have had the wool pulled over my eyes about this, I did catch her one day with her contacts open on her phone and there was a guys number with the name of the bar she had been at the night of the breakup after his name... So she took someone number that night... weird but all the parts fall into place now. One other night i heard her and a gay friend of hers making some calls looking for a party at 3am, I opened the door and asked where they were off to, I heard it was a guy on the phone before I went in, i am not silly, soon as I opened the door she hung up and I asked who was on the phone, she said it was one of her girl friends and they were going to her house, so obvious lies there to, they were going to a guys house where there was a party, I know exactly where it was and who it was on the phone, she told me weeks after she lied to me only because I would go crazy at her for going to party with her other guy friends, pretty lame isn't it!, she and her gay friend then showed me the phone once he deleted the last caller to prove it was her girl friend, so both hiding something from me on that night. So your right, there could well be someone else even though she says there is not!. I think the gay friend of hers is also drumming stuff into her head about me and not needing me etc, I think she's under pressure to keep to the breakup from them. Pretty weird relations ship they have to be honest, he is not good for her, he is a huge party guys, drugs, drink etc, he has no care in the world and they are best friends, scary!

 

Annie767 I will not put my life on hold anymore waiting on her, she's been gone for 2 months now, I get on with living and working and meet with friends at the weekend, go to the gym, do stuff. I won't be lead on by her anymore, she's giving me glimmers of hope in order to keep things sweet back here so I don't chuck her stuff out and give her cats away to new owners and if her single life don't work out, she's sweet to come back here... Thats what I think. There is no reconciliation with her, not even after all this time no second chance, nothing, there was at first, then there wasn't, then there was then no its a defo NO reconciliation and she does not want to be with me like that and wants me in her life as a really good friend, to watch her with some other man no doubt!. She has real issues with privacy! saying she things I have access to her iPhone and emails etc, I was shocked by this, we used to use find my friends thats was on iPhone (her idea) to see where each other were etc but she stopped this after she decided it was creepy, I agree it was but she really thinks I have access to her phone and stuff, crazy isn't it!

 

So thank you for all your posts, really opened my eyes to stuff here, whats the best thing to do now?

 

I tell her to collect her stuff?

do I wait till Tuesday till she comes over to talk about what to do next? I fear if I tell her to move everything out she just will and that will be it for ever, not chance as I basically chucked her out. She says half of this place is hers and half over thing in it is hers, she really did pay half of everything and paid half of everything anyway, but she choose to leave it all behind right?

 

Do I give her no contact now since she didn't reply to my last txt, I think I should just leave her to contact me now (again!, she last like 2 days on this no contact thing).

 

I take it when a girls says no reconciliation is possible she means it? or is she still angry? every after 8 years together? really no reconciliation? I find that hard to believe that someone doesn't have the heart to even try again.

 

Am I right in saying is he really wanted to move out and get rid of me she would have moved all her things out by now? If she clinging to some hope as this house and me as a fall back if things don't work out for her? OR is she really unsure about if this is what she really wants, no being with me or living here.

 

I mentioned to her if we got back together again we could move to another place and start again, this opened her eyes a bit and she liked the idea, so....

 

I am over the worst of it all, but I am sort of on hold now to see what happens, in the meantime getting on with my life.

 

Thanks guys and sorry for another long post, I tried to answer everyone who has posted!

[melell]

I was with someone for nearly 8 years. In the same housing situation as you etc. I was the dumpee but the tables turned rather quickly.

 

I realized that time spent together makes little difference in how the breakup pans out. If anything, for me, it made me less open to reconciliation with my ex. So much time had passed, I knew them through and through, and knew what I didn't want. I really do feel that sometimes the more years spent together the less chance to reconcile once someone has made the decision to walk away.

 

All those things like house payments, possessions, pets etc. are really only small aspects in terms of the breakup up (though big things in their own right). It just takes a little adjustment. People find new houses, move belongings, organize pets etc all the time. She will construct a new life for better or worst regardless of what she has left behind.

 

It really isn't easy after a lot of years, there are lots of little attachments that are still there. The only thing that will help is time alone to adjust. And you will adjust, everybody does eventually.

 

I personally feel that the best thing you could do for yourself is embrace the concept of being alone, get use to it, it is really empowering and will do you the world of good. At the very least it will give you some relief, and a chance to re balance.

I think it is best to avoid any contact re her stuff, and only reply when she asks to collect. Give yourself the time and space.

 

When I read your story it sounded like you have put your own needs aside a lot to cater to her. Or like she has convinced you that you are the unreasonable one.

 

Things will play out one way or another, but regardless, engaging any further in this situation isn't helpful to you. Put yourself first.

 

If it is of any help after a bit over 7 years living with someone I was completely over it 6 months later. Not a shred of emotion tied up in my ex. At first I was shocked, broken etc. but it does go away. Now it just feels like it happened years ago, or it was a movie I watched. Things will work out.

[Logicpro]

I was with someone for nearly 8 years. In the same housing situation as you etc. I was the dumpee but the tables turned rather quickly.

 

I realized that time spent together makes little difference in how the breakup pans out. If anything, for me, it made me less open to reconciliation with my ex. So much time had passed, I knew them through and through, and knew what I didn't want. I really do feel that sometimes the more years spent together the less chance to reconcile once someone has made the decision to walk away.

 

All those things like house payments, possessions, pets etc. are really only small aspects in terms of the breakup up (though big things in their own right). It just takes a little adjustment. People find new houses, move belongings, organize pets etc all the time. She will construct a new life for better or worst regardless of what she has left behind.

 

It really isn't easy after a lot of years, there are lots of little attachments that are still there. The only thing that will help is time alone to adjust. And you will adjust, everybody does eventually.

 

I personally feel that the best thing you could do for yourself is embrace the concept of being alone, get use to it, it is really empowering and will do you the world of good. At the very least it will give you some relief, and a chance to re balance.

I think it is best to avoid any contact re her stuff, and only reply when she asks to collect. Give yourself the time and space.

 

When I read your story it sounded like you have put your own needs aside a lot to cater to her. Or like she has convinced you that you are the unreasonable one.

 

Things will play out one way or another, but regardless, engaging any further in this situation isn't helpful to you. Put yourself first.

 

If it is of any help after a bit over 7 years living with someone I was completely over it 6 months later. Not a shred of emotion tied up in my ex. At first I was shocked, broken etc. but it does go away. Now it just feels like it happened years ago, or it was a movie I watched. Things will work out.

 

Thank you for your info, really helps as well, I see what you mean about the longer we were together the less chance there is, but on the other hand that can work the other way to, I know she feels like its not really a good thing to waste all the time, she even told me this herself, she feels like she wants to come back but her heart says otherwise because of all the years, money,effort, house just for the sake of falling out etc, its not as if i done anything really bad, no cheating etc but hey its her choice right, she choose to leave, she blamed me for something that most likely wasn't my problem and most likely lied about it to cover what was really going on.

 

I spoke with her yesterday dinner time about he University stuff and counselling work etc, she was chatty and then I replied to a text and then boom, cold as ice nothing until like 20mins ago she replied, so I am not getting back to her, will leave it for a while before I do, to busy getting on with things right now. I made my intention with her clear, I will be here getting with things if she wants to talk about it then she is welcome to do so, I have blew her off already about talking etc saying I'm to busy and to come another time, early next she is coming to either talking about her stuff, where to put it or where we go from here if there is anything to salvage from out relationship.I am over the hard parts, feeling down, depressed, lonely, etc etc but I would still like to make things up with her and have her back but only if she changes her ways and there is some sort of commitment and trust again, basically starting again with a clean slate. I truly feel she is lost, mixed up etc and does not know what she wants, I am sure she feels under pressure from her friends to stay broken up from me, she had a huge amount of pride and is very stubborn. She knows we were onto a good thing, offered to put stuff into her name, the house etc, so it was joint, but she put it off for years, if she had only listened she would have some sort of future instead of starting again from scratch with nothing.

 

If things work out, then they do, if not then they don't and I will move on, I have started to already, not with other girls but with me and my life, looking after myself more, working out, improving myself etc etc, things I should have been doing anyway. I even went to see a counsellor as she suggested I see one about my issues (even though they were small things)

 

I do also blame something on me, I am a web designer and choose to work weekends to make some extra cash and not go out all the time, I said no to her offers to go out but choose to lock myself away in front of a computer, she didn't like that, but she could have properly spoke with me about it instead of

 

Can I ask what you mean when you say but the tables turned rather quickly.

 

Thanks

[Annie767]

So you've had another conversation with her and your tone has changed

You need to get off the merry-go round. She has it made, the single life and a warm home and a loyal man who will take her back with a good son story anytime! You need to be selfish sometimes. You can't blame yourself for working weekends and not spending time together, these issues can be easily resolved like you said with approaching it like adults.

 

Stop torturing yourself , she isn't clambering to sort her head out and make another go of it.

 

I know this because I wrestled with someone who didn't know what they wanted (after 4 years) only for them to get with another ex- I was the only one who got hurt.

[Logicpro]

So you've had another conversation with her and your tone has changed

You need to get off the merry-go round. She has it made, the single life and a warm home and a loyal man who will take her back with a good son story anytime! You need to be selfish sometimes. You can't blame yourself for working weekends and not spending time together, these issues can be easily resolved like you said with approaching it like adults.

 

Stop torturing yourself , she isn't clambering to sort her head out and make another go of it.

 

I know this because I wrestled with someone who didn't know what they wanted (after 4 years) only for them to get with another ex- I was the only one who got hurt.

 

Yeah my tone has changed, I am more positive about everything now, not like a few weeks ago where i was a mess, I think it opened her eyes to what I am doing, moving on because its the only way to go right now.

 

I had some issues at work recently, and risked losing my job there, not my fault, some company changes, but I am sure it will be ok and work itself out. She txts me yesterday saying she is coming round to see me to find out how it went, so we will see how it goes, I will keep it light with her, no relationship talk at all, I recon is she can see me changing then she might change as well.

 

I hope she does starting sorting herself out, as you say these things are easily fixed but is she willing to, if not then fine, I will continue to move on with my life, if she is willing to then we can talk and work it out, like adults, then if there is a second chance for us in life then some ground rules will have to be put in place and a some trust gained before we can fully be together again.

 

I had been selfish before to her, she didn't like it, i basically made out that I was to busy to see her after the breakup and didn't answer her calls for 3 days, she called me after 3 days asking 'How are the cats' so I am sure she is still interested in me, even though she says she loves me but isn't in love with me and maybe be waiting on the day I change to come back and try again, fair enough what I was doing wasn't what she was looking for, but hey stuff happens in life, people get busy, it wasn't as if I didn't talking to her at all, or done normal stuff. Its all a big excuse I am starting to think!

 

I will update later on with what she says tonight when she comes over and what she says, would be great to get back with her if we could talk about it but if she doesn't want it then it is what it is right.

 

What does it really mean when a girl says 'I love you but I am not in love with you anymore'

Edited February 17, 2014 by Logicpro
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[Annie767]

Well if you really think she has and she is genuine. Just trust what your gut says. Good luck .

[melell]

This really will be an ongoing rollercoaster for you if you let the conversation continue.

 

At this point it seems like what happens in your life rests upon whether or not she chooses to come back. I can understand you allowing some time where you keep the door open, because she may well make up her mind- but just incase she never does, make sure you don't stay in this loop for too long. It can become self torture.

 

In my experience, and everything I have read on these boards, fickleness from the dumper is not a recipe for reconciliation, certainly not for long term.

 

I feel for you, when you have been with someone that long your life is kinda built around them. Physically, mentally, and emotionally it is a shock to the system (nueroscience says so!). It takes awhile for things to come right.

 

If you are still in the same position a month or so from now posters will tell you to move on-do your best to be prepared for any outcome.

 

**what I meant by the tables turned was that although I was dumped I was already at that point myself, and ready to walk away. He changed his mind quite quickly but I had mad my mind up. That is what I mean- once you get an idea in your head about leaving, and once you act on it, it is very easy to stick to that perspective, the hard part is over. For me, nothing he could say or do would change my mind because I had already lived that life, I knew exactly what it was, nothing he could say would convince me- I already had first hand experience. That is why I really do think the longer together the easy it is to follow through once you are out.

 

Unfortunately it seems to me that your ex had already weighed things up and decided that leaving you was worth the risk of losing everything you both built together. Already made the choice... that speaks volumes. Even if she comes back you will still know that she was willing to throw it all away so she could act however she wanted without considering anyone else. Imo that is just very selfinvolved thinking.

[Sugarkane]

You shouldve dumped her when she was texting others, in the middle if the night. Then cut this flaky women off for good.

[Sugarkane]

And I wouldn't bother thinking about second chances. She is a user and treated you like shyte.

[Logicpro]

Thank you melell and Sugarkane for your posts.

 

I understand that she has made her choice now, she choose to leave it all and walk away, leave the property, belongings etc, me, she must have made the choice over a period of time, its not something you wake up one day and say i leaving, something sparked it, most likely someone else which she say is not the case.

 

I should have questioned the texting/facebook/snapchat/instagram etc of others, in fact I did but got a earful for it sort of thing.

 

So why is she hanging around? why is her stuff still at home?, why is she still contacting me and coming to see me, she must still be interested in me? no?.... She now asked for her keys back to, (I had changed the locks)....

 

Her friend just got back her her BF after he cheated on her so maybe this has opened her eyes to this not being the big deal she made it out to be. Everyone is different, she has her reasons and as i said before, its up to her now, my door is only open for a short time, I am willing to deal with things with her now since we have both calmed down emotionally and I have sorted the issues with myself she mentioned broke us up, if she willing then great lets do it, if she's not then I will have to close the door on her, cant keep stringing it out with her, it will go on and on and on, she's either willing to work it out or she is not willing to work it out.

 

I will give her time to make that choice, I have made myself not available to her anymore, she does not get the time or emotions that come with a BF anymore, she left that behind.

 

Lets see what tonight brings, Any tips on what to say to her about sorting things out with us?, will I just wing it or do I need a plan of action, one way or another it has to be talk over, if its not tonight then it will have to be done sometime.

 

Thanks again for your posts guys, really helpful since i have not done this before at all.

[Logicpro]

And I wouldn't bother thinking about second chances. She is a user and treated you like shyte.

 

I am willing to give her that chance though, I wont be walked over again thats for sure, if life has a future for us then so be it but there will be real changes before it can happen again. I understand what you say though.

[Sugarkane]

You should tell her to pick up her stuff. Or it's going to the OP shop.

[Sugarkane]

I am willing to give her that chance though, I wont be walked over again thats for sure, if life has a future for us then so be it but there will be real changes before it can happen again. I understand what you say though.

 

I guess I just wish all the cheaters would date cheaters, sociopaths date other sociopaths and good people date other good people.

[Logicpro]

Wish it was like that! cheaters with cheaters etc.

 

Any other suggestions to what I should say tonight?, if she still turns up...

 

I know if it goes down the road of she is never wanting to ever come back, then she will have to move out 100%, everything.

 

If it goes into talks about us, and trying to sort things out then her stuff can wait for a sort while until that discussion goes further.

 

Or I could just show I am getting on with it and be super positive about everything that I am doing as I have shown in the past week or so. She will most likely go on again about buying her place etc, not really interested to be honest, she will find it hard being along paying for everything thats for sure! the party girls days will have to be out on hold while life takes a hold of her.

[Trep]

"loved me very much but was no longer in love with me"

 

If everyone on this forum had a nickel for every time this was posted only for the OP to then discover their partner was cheating on them, we'd all be living like Kings.

[melell]

I have said that the partners before without cheating on them, or having someone else lined up. Stupid thing to say though, should but 'I am accustomed to having you around, but don't like you at all anymore'.

 

Op- as long as you don't leave the door open too long you will be fine.

[Logicpro]

So she came over tonight after exchanging a few txts. She was run down and just home from work, called while I was on the way home to ask where I was..

 

Anyway we got in the house, she picked up mail, spend 2 mins with the cats, looked around the house and said she had to go as she was so unwell (infection she has), No 'us' talk or anything at all, picked up her house keys and said thank you for letting her have them back and said I would be available to talk on tuesday when her dad and her wanted to come down to discuss 'what to do next'. Mentioned her furniture again, and said she had no where to out it, mentioned her new place she wants to buy, I said thats great, really positive.

 

Unsure why she needs her dad here, unsure why she wants to talk about moving stuff when she clearly said she has no where to out it, anyway, I looked my best, shirt on toned up, slight tan glow and she noticed that I was looking good, when I pulled up in the car she was sitting in her car, I was going a little fast with loud music on, she smiled at me and laughed in a good way, she knew I was ok and no tears, she mentioned that to, she purposely didn't come to see me for a week or so before cause i was so upset weeks after she left, I would break in to tears when she left, not anymore though.

 

I cuddled her at the door, I said 'comeeee'er' and she hugged me good bye.

 

she was out in the street and I was at the door saying goodbye etc and she said can I borrow DVD and came back to look for it. Then she left again mentioned her dad to me on her way out and said 'he really likes you you know' and her dad usually likes no guys that are with her daughter at all. So that was nice to hear, she really respects her dad and what he has to say.

 

So unsure what to make of all that really. I dropped her a txt saying hope you got back to your mums ok, she said thank you she was just in, and heading for a shower then bed.

 

What next? her move now? no contact now? or continue with contact because things are looking positive now, I have a gut feeling she might want to 'talk' soon, if she changes her suborn ways.

 

What do you suggest here?

Edited February 17, 2014 by Logicpro

[HappyLove]

"So why is she hanging around? why is her stuff still at home?, why is she still contacting me and coming to see me, she must still be interested in me? no?.... She now asked for her keys back to, (I had changed the locks)...."

 

Because you are a doormat. Some people need to learn the hard way. I wouldn't come get my stuff if I had a fool pining away for me. Actually I would because I'm not that cruel. But why does she do every ridiculous thing she does? Because you allow her to. Why are you afraid to go out there and find a woman who deserves your love?